I must first begin by saying thank you again for all of your prayers during this past week’s time of trial. We are a Pro-Life people, at least in this corner of the blogosphere, and God is glorified in that.
We decided right away to name our baby Thomas. Of course we can’t know if this little one was a boy or not, and in fact we joke that one day—please, God—when we are all reunited in Heaven, there will be a cadre of children there to greet us.
An outgoing little boy will be the first to speak up. “Hello!” he’ll say. “I am ‘Baby Rose!’”
He is holding hands with a beaming, brown-eyed little girl. “And I am ‘Baby Francis!’”
Next in the line-up is a shy little boy. “I am ‘Baby Lucy,’ he smiles. “Hello, everybody!”
By this time I’m beet-red, of course. “I’m so sorry,” I stammer. “I didn’t know!”
“That’s okay!” the children chorus. “No hard feelings in Heaven!”
Joking keeps us grounded, as you may have guessed by now. Joking helps us cope.
On Monday, after we received the bad news via ultrasound, my husband left work early. He picked up an ice cream cake and we celebrated this little life—longed for, prayed for, and cut short by a plan we do not yet understand. Four miscarriages in a row? This does not make sense to us, but we know better than to second-guess the wisdom of our God. (But just between you and me, sometimes…late at night…I do question Him. Like a child, I ask Him “Why?” I haven’t gotten my answer yet, but I know—one day—I will.)
Our faith is put to the greatest of tests when suffering is involved. The temptation is to think that God mustn’t love us to have sent us this or that burden: a child’s death, a mother’s cancer, an accident that seemed that so senseless.
We try to have the faith of Abraham, or (as hard as this would be) of Mother Mary at the cross.
We try, and more often than not, we fail. That’s okay. God understands our failings.
Now then. I hope that you don’t mind if I extend my gratitude to a few, sweet souls by name:
First, to Padre Steve of Da Mihi Animas, who offered a Mass for our family though we have never even met. That is so cool! Thank you for your kindness, Father. Please be assured that you are in our prayers.
Second, to Monica, who sent me a series of helpful links and who herself has lost four babies. Thanks be to God—she has four beautiful girls at home and is expecting number five! Please keep them in your prayers.
Here are some of the links that Monica shared:
- Monica told me about The Church of the Holy Innocents in New York. They will record your baby’s name in their book of life and pray for your baby. They will also email you a Certificate of Life.
- Monica also sent me a link to The Elizabeth Ministry. I have written about them before. This group is a wonderful resource for a family who has lost a child. Their website offers many items that make one’s miscarriage more bearable, including the tiniest of caskets and accompanying prayers at this time of grief.
- The last link that Monica sent me was to the memorial website of a dear friend of hers, a woman who has lost two children to miscarriage. Sherry makes Certificates of Life for families after a loss. “We put the parents’ first & last names, baby’s first & last name & a month & year for the loss (or a specific date if known),” Sherry told me. “I would love to send you these for all four of your babies in Heaven, only if you would like me to.” What a beautiful apostolate! Thank you, Sherry!
Sweet Jane of Building the Ark wrote to tell me that her parish is having its annual Memorial Mass of Angels. I sent her the names of our children, (see above), and they will now be remembered in this very special Mass.
Finally, I would like to thank in a special way (and pray that I don’t embarrass them) my friends-of-the-heart, Jamie and Karen. Jamie recently sent me a box of Caribou coffee (How did she know? Who am I kidding?) with the beautiful inscription: “This won’t take away the pain, but please know you are thought of daily! May God pour His graces upon you!”
She is wrong in a way. Her gesture does take away part of the pain, because it is in reaching out to our friends who are struggling that we become their Simon. We walk alongside them when their path has gotten rocky; we are with them to the end.
Karen’s family sent us roses—“a lasting keepsake,” Karen wrote, “of this short but eternally precious life.” Karen has such a beautiful way with words, as I’m sure many of you know. She, too, has carried the cross of miscarriage, four times over like myself, and she understands this struggle.
Again, thank you, you two, for these boxes on my stoop. They made my day and bolstered my heart, and I thank God for your kindness.
I do hope that none of the above people mind being thanked by name. There are many, many more of you who have written and/or phoned to say that you’re praying, and I am certain that these prayers are seeing us through. Thank you…thank you…thank you.
May we continue to be each other’s Simon…in times of need, and in times of pain.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Margaret: what a beautiful and loving tribute. Those of us have been down the same road are given hope by these words…to be greeted by our lost children in heaven…
God bless you and your beautiful family!
God bless, Margaret!
Friends are a gift. Jamie is just like you wrote…one of those gals who just gives and gives. She is a blessing.
You are too, Margaret!
Margaret,
Thank you for this beautiful example of graciousness under duress. I feel honored to count among my dearest friends.
Thank YOU, Margaret, for your kind words. They encourage me as well!
God Bless,
Jane
Margaret, your post brought many tears and joy at the same time. Joy of the picture you described of our babies greeting us. I, too, named our lost baby Gabriel, thinking (feeling) he is a boy, but we really don’t know, maybe her name is really Gabriella?
I know on the exterior you are strong and must be, for your children and well, just to cope. But, I also know you are dying inside. I pray for that part. My only answer I get to the “Why?” question of miscarriage and any loss of a child, is because you were open to life in the first place, you have helped God to fill heaven with TOTALLY pure, innocent souls, who do far more good than we could possibly imagine, just in loving God and being with Him.
I honestly gave the gift from my heart only for you. I wish it could have been more and I wish it could have come with me to give you a hug along with it! You give so much daily to enrich all of our lives. (your readers) I am always better off after being here. Continued prayers for a safe delivery of that sweet little baby and for you too.
Dearest Margaret,
I hope that you and John and the children are feeling each other’s love and the love you have coming from heaven.
“Everything is a grace… Everything is the direct effect of our Father’s love, difficulties, contradictions, humiliations, all the soul’s miseries, her burdens, her needs. Everything, because through them, she learns humility, she realizes her weakness. Everything is a grace, because everything is God’s gift. Whatever be the character of life or its unexpected events — to the heart that loves, all is well.”
–The Spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux
This post is a beautiful testament to so many things. First, to the fact that there are so many loving, pro-life mommies out there. Praise God for that! It has also shown the selflessness and beauty of so many people-many whom you have probably never met in ‘real’ life. Thirdly, it shows how wonderful YOU are, Margaret. Look at all of the people who have shown you and your family all of this love and support. You are a special Minnesota Mom!!
I’m so sorry to hear about this loss Margaret. You’re a very wise woman so I’m sure you already know this but sometimes it’s just good to hear someone else say it again anyway –
it’s okay to be sad (I don’t think we do a very good job at grief in our culture anyway)
and it’s okay to take a little extra care of yourself now too.
May God grant you peace and healing.
Margaret,
You & your family remain in our prayers. Our little ones are probably running, laughing & playing in the fields of Heaven, singing praises to their Heavenly Father, who loves them even more than we can!!!
You get yourself some extra rest, drink plenty of fluids, eat to keep your energy up & soak up all this love that we are sending your way. If we could come & hug you & cry with you we all would, especially me, We southern gals know how to have a good cry!
You deserve time to grieve now for this much wanted child, you can take the time now or it will catch up to you later.
There is so much to say & none of it really helps, just know that our family is very sorry for your loss of Thomas.
Praying for you,
Sherry
J+M+J
PS Thank you for listing our babies memorial site, we work daily, through The Apostolate of The Holy Family, to keep their memory alive, to Glorify God & to recognize that EVERY Life is important to God.
Margaret, I’ve said it all privately, and so will just leave another hug for you here, sweetie. 🙂 {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mags}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
The Mass was my pleasure! Let’s continue to pray for one another! God bless you and your family! Padre Steve, SDB
I just stumbled across your blog and it is beautiful. I, too, have suffered several miscarriages in a row and can relate to your thoughts and feelings. I had to laugh about the boys possibly having girl names and vice versa. We’ve named our angels gender specific names as well and I have the same vision of meeting them in Heaven as you do and having them all mixed up.
May God pour out His richest blessings on you and your family.