The Story of My Conversion
Part I (In the Beginning) ;
Part II (The Age of Reason) ;
Part III (Ages 11-14);
Part IV (“Hitting Bottom” Prologue);
Part IV (“Hitting Bottom”)
Part V (Free at Last))
Part VI: On Seeking Balance and Seeing Benjamin Button (Twice)
Warning: The following post contains a multitude of quotes from the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. (They are the words that are centered and italicized throughout.) If you are the type to not want to know anything about a movie before seeing it—including its philosophy—then perhaps you’ll want to skip this post.
but we’re all going the same way.
I needed to see a movie like Benjamin Button. I needed to be reminded, yet again, of who I am and where I’m going…and I needed the reminder that I am loved.
I am loved despite the mistakes I’ve made. I am loved despite the suffering.
(And believe me, I know suffering. : )
Thankfully, the prayers and counsel of a dear friend saw me through. By Saturday, the sun was back out. (Er, that is to say that the sun came out figuratively, not literally. This is, after all, winter in Minnesota.)
Many of you already know that I struggle with some depression; I have written about it here. It almost always turns up during my pregnancies, which is rather weird but predictable. I don’t suffer from post-partum depression but rather, pre-partum!
In addition to the anxiety and tears, depression always brings with it a series of questions: “Is this because I’m far from God?” I wonder. “Or is it because I’m getting closer, and this is part of the process?”
“Is this because I ran out of my thyroid medication and haven’t gotten to the pharmacy to pick up the refill yet?” (Woops.)
“Is this a lack of Vitamin D?”
“Or is this—gulp—full-fledged clinical depression?”
Trust me. I am not one to want to wallow in these feelings of worthlessness and doubt. We are emphatically not made for that—we are made in the image and likeness of our Creator. We are loved and called to love.
Depression, in short, is not God’s plan for us.
Often, it is an event outside my control that triggers the anxiety. Michael Dubruiel’s death hit me hard—very hard—and I did not even know him. You are no doubt nodding your head to this. It’s the thought of losing one’s husband at such a very early age that just rocks us to the core.
We know that death is inevitable. We know this is not our final home. Knowing this and accepting this, however, are two very different things.
In any case, I am going to talk to my doctor on Thursday and see what she thinks. What else? Well, I am praying more, far more…and I am listening. What is God trying to say to me? Can I quiet my heart long enough to hear Him?
Of course I can’t help but acknowledge that Lent is just around the bend. What does God want me to do to be better? What should I give up? What should I decidedly not give up? Sometimes it’s that second question that really needs discernment. I have to be careful to not set the bar too high for my Lenten observance…
…because when I fail to scale the heights I envision, I often grow quite despondent.
I think that it is symptomatic of both great pride and a melancholic temperament to not let go of one’s mistakes. That’s me. Doing things well is one way that I try to “earn” God’s love, (we are, after all, exhorted to be “perfect”), and when I screw up I grow dejected.
And feel rejected.
For example, I tried to revisit my conversion story on Friday and it was very painful. In fact, I needed to pull the post with all the photos, that’s how painful it was! (It’s hard for me to look at old photos. I don’t like that young lady very much.)
Here’s where the grace of a good therapist comes in . In part, these fears that I have of being rejected have to do with those actions in my past that were, well, rejectable. The sins of one’s past can be haunting and it isn’t until we accept—truly accept—and believe in God’s love and mercy that we can move on.
You can curse the fates. But when it comes to the end, you have to let go.
I will continue to try to tell my conversion story (as hard as it is) because it is who I am and who I was. I will also continue to blog honestly about the struggles I have now—struggles that come and eventually go. Thanks be to God, these struggles do not kill me and therefore (it stands to reason) they are making me stronger.
Finally, I think perhaps that mine are the struggles of many a stay-at-home mom—the impatience that leads to anger, (both with oneself and others), the overeating that leads to weight gain, the melancholy that leads to depression, and the lack of trust that leads to despair.
It’s my fervent hope that you can relate to some of these angsty posts I’m sharing.
‘Cause if you can’t…well, I don’t know that they’re worth sharing!
Live a life you’re proud of.
All for the Greater Glory of God,
Touched, as always, by your honesty and wisdom. I always learn a lot from you ~ and appreciate your sharing these struggles. The company is good. &:o) Blessings, Margaret!
I figured something was wrong when you pulled that post. It’s hard to look over my old pics of my ex’s and the mistakes I knowingly made – I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this or that and I felt sharp pricks in my conscience constantly – and yet I rebelled. MY way, God, not Your Way! Uff dah (there’s a semi-MN word for you), I was a mess! But, I also know that I would not feel anything if it weren’t for Him allowing it – and I have been blessed in always seeing Him do wonders in and with my life for His Glory, which makes me very joyful.
God bless you, on this journey. Thank you for your very candid self. You are in good company!
I, too, was wondering about your silence the past couple days. While there are moments of regret for most everyone, they make us who we are today. I know that sounds cliche, but when I looked at the young picture of you, I see all that is you today. In my case, those instances of regret help me be compassionate and maybe they help me to forgive quicker (??) when those around me struggle.
Thanks for sharing this…I too suffer from depression, and at its worst have many of the same thoughts…it’s good to hear someone voice them…thank you!
I definitely relate to this. I have had depression once or twice in my life, but I didn’t *know* what it was then.
I was ambivalent about this movie, but now I think I have to see it.
Thanks Margaret for sharing about depression during pregnancy, and all your struggles … I think we were separated at birth! 🙂 FINALLY someone admits to depression in pregnancy! I have ALWAYS deliberately not talked about this b/c in my experience a lot of pro-lifers think it’s somehow not pro-life to be depressed in pregnancy! It surely has to be hormonal … in truth, I’ve never even told my OB b/c I’m afraid they’ll put me on medication or turn me in (to whom, I don’t know). Anyhow, I’m rambling, but just wanted to say thanks for talking about this. I, too, have a similar past, so maybe it’s the same personality that led us to make those mistakes, and contributes to depression? I will say a prayer for you as we go through this (I’m 21 weeks, around the same as you I believe). Thanks for writing — your writing is a gift to others.
I’m learning a lot about trusting God right now – or at least trying to – I’m a slow learner I think. (Funny how all those years in school my teachers made me believe I was brilliant – yeah, I’m good at facts and figures etc – but when it comes to life, I just seem to take forever to learn anything!) It seems like I’ll briefly grasp the concept of trusting God’s goodness and the next day I no longer understand it. I live too much by my emotions — what is it Fr. Corapi says, “If you live by your feelings – your life is a yo-yo and Satan’s holdin’ the string,” – something like that. It’s hard for me to believe the light exists when everything is dark… but the Truth doesn’t change… I just have to realize that. 🙂 Sometimes I think that I’m not really getting anywhere – but every day is a new one, and my boys are slowly teaching me that God is good – all the time — and that’s all that matters. 🙂
May His Peace Be With You,
~Jenny
I have been quite worried about you. I understand depression in pregnancy too.
Maybe you shouldn’t share your conversion story at this time.
Don’t force it. Wait until you are ready.
I know lots of people who suffer depression on Fridays, especially on First Fridays. Our Lord is asking others to share in the loneliness and feelings of abandonment He had during His Passion. If you remember that when you are suffering on Fridays, it will bring you much consolation to be able to share in the depths of Christ’s inner pain.
I hadn’t considered that, Anonymous. Certainly it makes a lot of sense, though I would love advice on how to draw close to Our Lord in times of loneliness and trial.
I’m so sorry you have been so down. It’s hard to put ourselves back in sinful times. It’s easier to talk about it than actually write it. When it’s written, there is more details, more time taken to remember.
My prayers are with you Margaret. My love to you!
I thought your silence was you writing the much anticipated post!
Oh I missed you too and I will be praying for you. Winters are hard, whether they are in our souls or in our backyard. Clinging to your faith is by far the best thing you can do. These days pass just like the good ones do. Remember, God can only be with you in the present moment. He doesn’t mess with the past or the future so why go dwelling on those places all alone? Stay with him in the present. Blessings on you.
Fear not, you are loved.
“I sought the LORD, who answered me, delivered me from all my fears.
Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame.” Psalm 34:5-6
Prayers! 🙂
God bless you, Margaret. I am praying for you right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this. How about a trip to (mostly) sunny San Diego to beat those winter blues? 🙂 🙂 🙂 I hope that you can receive the help that you need, whatever that turns out to be, and that is best for you and the baby at this time. Love you!
I think Erica has the best advice of all. Let’s leave on Thursday.(Don’t I wish!) Tell that handsome dh that it is absolutely essential to your well-being and his own.
I’m praying for you, Sweetheart. You are loved. So very much.
I was getting quite worried about you, especially after I didn’t see you at Mass, even with the kids singing. Then someone told me they thought the petitions for the sick included you. Yikes!
I know what it is like to battle depression, having just come through a major bout myself. I will keep you in my prayers, and I’m here if you need to talk.
Margaret, I have been so worried about you this week during your silence. I never had problems with “depression” until discovered to be hypothyroid. It messes with your head and I hate it! It is even worse now that I am perimenopausal. The hormone fluctations make we wonder if I am not losing my mind. It makes me afraid to speak out loud what thoughts run through my head, the fear, the anxiety, the feelings of unworthiness, the tears which come at the least provocation. Sorry for the long post but please know that you are not alone. Forget the conversion story. Concentrate on your well being which is critical to the well being of your precious baby. Take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
you pretty much just blogged about much of my experience with faith and sadness. thank you.
Thank you for your honesty. Prayers for you.
I was hoping you’d be back; I missed you!
Thanks for posting again. I was getting the DT’s…we’ve had this conversation before, but I agree with another poster that the hypothyroidism lends GREATLY to depression. Throw in pregnancy hormones watch out!
Thank you for being so willing to share.
I understand if you feel you need to curtail blogging for a while (or forever). I will miss it though…
Hi Margaret, I’m usually a bit of a lurker and don’t leave comments. I too, have lost two friends (both around my age — 40) since November — one to cancer and one of a sudden heart attack. Another friend who’s my age had a stroke at Thanksgiving and, while (thanks to God) she will recover, we have been caring for her 9 year old son in the afternoons. Add to this care for my own children and my 83 year old mother-in-law, and I just feel overwhelmed. I realized recently that I wasn’t enjoying things I usually enjoy, which is, I think, understandable given the circumstances. I sometimes get that feeling — “if one more person needs something from me . . . ” Deep down, I do know, though, that I am the lucky one. Today, I have my health and my family. Some day, these times will be past and I will never regret them, even though some days are just darn difficult.
Umm. Sorry. Forgot to add the last part. That even though I don’t know you, I look forward to reading your blog and enjoy your writing very much. I shared my story above because I want you to know you’re not alone in your feelings. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I wish you strength and patience and good health.
Michael Dubriel’s death hit me pretty hard as well. I’ve been struggling with full-fledged anxiety over losing my husband… my kids… wondering when God’s going to strike me with some disaster, etc…
I have burst into tears many times over this past week because of it, and even convinced myself that because dh came home early one day to spend time with the kids, that that meant it was his last night here with us, and he was going to die the next day.
Unbelievable. My brain can be so truly messed up at times.
I have to keep coming back to this: Widowhood/loss of child is not my cross to bear at this moment.
My cross–at this moment–is to turn to Him in spite of all my fear and anxiety and trust Him. NOT easy for someone with my temperment to do.
God bless you as you struggle with depression and anxiety!
Big prayers, Margaret (and big hugs). I’ve been struggling so much lately as well. I’m trying so hard not to fall into deep despair. Each time I feel myself doing so, I will pray for you.
God bless!
Glad you posted today. I will keep you in prayer as you go through these stuggles. Thanks so much for sharing. You are not alone. CK-mn
Thank you so much for your honesty, Margaret. I also seem to suffer from something like “pre-partum” depression. Though I’m not sure it’s as severe as what you experience, it has certainly brought me to some really dark moments.
Anyway, it’s posts like this that remind me why I read blogs — for the chance to get to know the real people behind them, and to see that their hopes and joys and struggles are often the same as ours. Thanks for your honesty, and for a beautiful post.
What a beautiful moving post – thank you so much for sharing this journey
Some other time I will explain why – but your quote: “We are emphatically not made for that—we are made in the image and likeness of our Creator. We are loved and called to love.” has been life altering for me…
Listened to Fr. Groschel this morning speak about Mother Theresa (sp) and her dark nights of the soul (is that right?) – anyway, said to read the biography about her. Also – my sister reminded me, God showed her the realization, of Jesus being in AGONY in the Garden. He didn’t curl up (as I do) or lash out (as I do – ::sigh::) but clung (is that to a word?) to God’s promises and prayed and prayed (alone!)
God Bless you!!
Eii (elizabeth in iowa ;-))
Thankyou for such open honesty! I struggle with post partem anxiety and I can feel it rearing its ugly head sometimes when I’m not postpartem. Your right, depression/anxiety none of it is God’s design! I’m praying for you and I am learning from you..thanks again for sharing your heart and story!
Man another cloudy day here in MN. I am ready to get out all the yellow construction paper I can find and make a zillion suns and hang them around the house.
Thinking of you!
Dear Margaret,
I’ll be praying for you. Don’t forget to ask those dear little babies in heaven to pray for you. Their prayers are powerful.
Get back on that thyroid med and I agree it is a good idea to talk to your doctor. Maybe your level is out of whack and that is contributing.
Sending a hug your way!
Janet
ps I loved the 80s hairdo!
Margaret in Minnesota said…
“I hadn’t considered that, Anonymous. Certainly it makes a lot of sense, though I would love advice on how to draw close to Our Lord in times of loneliness and trial.”
Well, you just think about how HE was lonely and suffered abandonments and trials, and then you feel a lot of compassion for Him (since you can understand a little of how He felt). Feeling compassion for another who is suffering more than us makes us see that our own life isn’t so bad, and then we are grateful, and gratitude lifts one’s heart.
I was just stopping by to ask how you were doing as your posting has dropped off and I was concerned.
Peri-partum depression is very real and not uncommon, just not as publicized as Postpartum depression. Kudos to you for asking for help spiritual and temporal.
(((HUGS))
This mom takes antidepressants and has struggled with the implications (and side effects) but what it comes down to is I am much better wife, mother, friend etc…with them then without.
I’m not recommending you start taking any mediacation, I am not your doctor, nor know you very well. I just want you to not feel alone if you end up going that route.
Also, anti-depressants are NOT happy pills. Don’t let anyone make you feel you are taking the easy way out. I liken antidepressants to throwing a rope to a man in a pit. He still has to work to climb out but now he has the tools he needs to do it.
Praying for you!
Margaret, I hope that you can start to love the girl that you were. Because she is you. She’s not a separate entity … God has used everything you *were* to make you everything you *are.* He loved you then, and He loves you now. His love has been steadfast, no matter what our actions have been. And He can use the knowledge you gained from the time when you were “that girl” to help you love “those girls” today … to be a loving light for other beloved souls who are stumbling, as you stumbled. I think that when we can accept and yes, even love, the girls we were twenty years ago, we can start to live in a more whole and emphatic way, if that makes sense.
All that said, the physical stuff, and the depression and the pregnancy related moods are very real, so, yes, seek all the help that God offers in the form of good doctors, et al.
With love,
Karen
Margaret, I don’t often leave a message but I do love to read your blog EVERY day. Soooo on the second day that you hadn’t updated I, too, became concerned. The prayers started immediately (even though I didn’t know exactly what your situation was) and will continue!!! You are one of my favorites! I’m old enough to be your mom but I so very much enjoy reading your posts and can identify with much that you share. Keep up the good work!
~Betty
Margaret, I am so blessed to know you…even if only through blogging. You speak to my heart. So much of what you’ve said here could be me! I am thankful for your willingness to share….even the hard parts of your life. We are encouraging each other and I know God takes great delight in that. None of us are perfect and I’m just glad that we are all in this together!
I have struggled with depression all of my life…and in the last several years…anxiety. Part of it is chemical and hormonal, yet, some of it is self inflicted. Sometimes I allow the despair and wallow in it! You are right…depression is NOT God’s plan for us.
Thank you again for sharing this…and your conversion story.
I appreciate you and keep in my prayers…
I can relate to so many of your struggles. Thank you so much for posting just what I needed to read today!
Margaret, I just saw this, I have had a busy, horrendous week. I was wondering what was up with you. I have been where you are. It's important that you be gentle with yourself. Put that conversion story to the side for a while. It isn't necessary that you work on it now. It's important to keep yourself healthy both emotionally and physically for that baby of yours. And, for Pete's sake, don't run out of your thyroid meds again! I'm not scolding, just gently reminding you. I'm on them too. If I miss a day, OH BOY< don't come near me!!!!
I LOVE Benjamin Button! What a great movie! 🙂