The Story of My Conversion
Part III: Ages 11 to 14
“I turn to consider the boy I once was in order, finally, to describe the man I am now. I remember what was so grievously lost to define what was necessarily gained.”
Richard Rodriguez in his autobiography Hunger of Memory
This is the post that may peg me as a prude and an idealist. It’s true—I am every bit of those and more, much more! Read on and you’ll see why.
Growing up, I was very much molded by the pop culture of the 70’s, with my primary role models coming from the TV, the radio, and Tigerbeat magazine. In fact, one of the main reasons we are homeschooling today is that I want my children to have a better education—and as such, spiritual formation—than I did.
Mine was by no means a classical education.
Instead, I availed myself in great big gulps of the media that was accessible. I watched television as much as possible—Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Three’s Company, Mork & Mindy—and during the summer break, All My Children. I turned on the TV when I got home from school and watched until my father got home from work. How I resented it when he asked me to turn the channel to the nightly news! After supper, I was back again. From 7:00 to 9:00 p.m., I’d watch. Not every night, but most.
When I wasn’t watching TV I was listening to pop music. I was very fond of pop music, and by the time I was in 8th grade, I was familiar with every band on the radio. If it was pop or rock, it was worth a listen. My best friend and I would play a game where, for five minutes, we would furiously list every pop singer and rock band we could think of. (My list was always in the 100’s.) My knowledge was a source of pride for me, and such music became the soundtrack of my days.
My friend’s older brother increased my knowledge by introducing me to such diverse groups as Boston, The B-52’s and Cheap Trick (whom I adored, really adored). He used to drive us to school and I remember how, on those frosty North Dakota mornings, he would use one of his cassette tapes to scrape the windshield. He would then pop the tape into the stereo and like that my education continued—a far more interesting field of study than that of history or science.
Now, keep in mind that I am not denouncing all rock music. To this day I have my favorites, (as do my kids), and I am fairly quick to upload new music onto my iPod. I do believe that when rock music is all you know, though, that that’s a problem. Growing up, my soul was in a state of constant agitation, with little to no balance and nothing edifying to speak of—no Vivaldi, no Bach, no Mozart, no chant.
I also think that the television—when limited—can have a healthy place in our homes. We do watch far more DVDs than we do public broadcasting, because—I know you understand this—I find the advertisements so offensive. It’s a whole lot safer renting than watching the stuff that they give us “free of charge.”
Okay. I am now going to speak about my choice of reading as a girl. Here is where this little tale gets really sad—at least, in my opinion—because the books that I devoured were of two basic genres: Judy Blume and bodice-rippers.
A 6th grader reading Love’s Tender Fury? That’s just wrong.
I read my first Judy Blume book when I was 10 or so, and instantly I was hooked. She had a highly engaging style of writing, and I went on to read every book she’d written—every book. Her philosophy about what was normal and natural and healthy and fun included self-abuse (Deenie) and high school intimacy (Forever); certainly the television I was watching and the radio that I was listening to backed up her theory.
These books did incredible damage to my moral formation and unfortunately I became acquainted with them at the exact same time I noticed boys. Once again, my education (and would-be spirituality) took a nose-dive.
Our purity is a gift from God—the pearl of great price, an inner light (as in the book The Princess and the Kiss). The books I read throughout my early adolescence treated sexual activity as something commonplace and even funny, like getting a great big pimple or tripping in front of that hot guy in homeroom. Sex happens. It should happen. It’s life.
Or so I thought.
Unlike an embarrassing stumble, we do not pick ourselves up all that easily from past impurities. The sins of my past came with me to my marriage, and it has taken me many, many years to overcome my sense of guilt over God’s great gift of sexuality.
In short, the books, the music, and the TV took the mystery out of life for me. They robbed me of what could have been a beautiful youth.
Near the end of this period, when I was 13, my father became a deacon of the Catholic Church. His vocation went hand-in-hand with my mother’s strong reversion. She started attending weekly prayer meetings and became involved with Cursillo; she kept the radio dial set to a Christian station (“Jesus radio,” I called it); she quite smoking.
Above all, her faith changed in a profound and lasting way. Hers was a deep reversion and I saw that but sadly, her return to God came too late to shift the wayward path of my adolescence.
By my freshman year of high school, my interests had expanded to include not only boys but also alcohol and drug use. I wanted peace but was not finding it. I looked to the world but the world just laughed. “Are you kidding?” it seemed to say to me. “You’re on your own here, kid.”
I started out this post by joking about my prudishness and idealism. To tell you the truth, there is quite a bit of fear in me, mostly in relation to my children. I worry that they will make the same awful mistakes that I did—that they will undervalue themselves and their sexuality, and that they will look to the world for their fulfillment rather than God. Our society’s not helping me out here! The very same rotten influences are still on the television, the radio and in the books at Barnes & Noble—indeed, they’ve gotten worse (as you well know). It is my great hope and mission as a mother that when my children do encounter these less-than-noble themes, which they will, they will have been well enough steeped in the good stuff—the Shakespeare, the Anne Shirley, the C.S. Lewis, the Vivaldi—to dismiss the bad stuff for what it is…
…just bad.
Next up: Hitting Bottom (My late teens/early 20s)
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Margaret, Thanks so much for writing your “O Holy Fault” series. It’s helping me get over my own shame at my sinful life before my conversion.
Et Tu Jen? & I are both consecrating ourselves to our Blessed Mother this Monday. We are both a little shakey on the whole “to Jesus through Mary” subject. Will you pray for us?
I’m right there with you Margaret. I have the same fears you do for your kids, for our lives lead very, very similar paths. The TV, the culture, the sexuality, etc. All of it. That’s why what happened to me happened, and it too went into my marriage and still it’s effects linger sometimes. I think, though, in all of this, is where God can bring good out of evil. As my old friend Dr. John Bruchalski said to me once, “We’ve been there, in the dirt, the mud, the flith. We’ve swam in it, soaked in it, until it was in our blood. Only God pulled us out. We’ve seen what it’s like on the other side, and we need to make sure we spend the rest of our lives thanking God for pulling us out, pulling others out, and making sure no one else falls in.” Through our sins and weakness, God’s glory, God’s power shines forth in your conversion. Your witness today is proof of His love and mercy. I love you!
Another Cursillo kid! Even though I was a little younger when my parents went (8?) I remember being surprised that I hadn’t just absorbed the things she learned. I still had to have my own adult re-conversion. Hopefully in spite of worrying about my kids I will also prepare them to seek that adult recognition of God.
Thank you for writing this, I know it’s probably difficult. Hey, I was just wondering, as the mother of a 9 year old girl, and getting to be avid reader, do you have a list of good books for kids to read? I try to be very careful, but sometimes it boils down to her not reading.
Thanks
Cor
Margaret,thank you so much for sharing. I felt like I could have walked along with you in your story. It is also great to know of God’s awesome forgiveness.
Blessings to Abigail and et Tu jen on making the consecration Totus Tuus. My husband and I will also be renewing our family consecration to Jesus through Mary in union with Saint Joseph this Monday.
Margaret, thanks also for your conversion story! I just wanted to pop in and tell you that my own parents had a history much like you– in fact my mother was pregnant with my oldest sister when they married. They were open to us about their past but NEVER let us use that as an excuse for our behavior. They expected great things of us since we were given the grace of the Church. As a result myself and all of my four siblings preserved our virginity before marriage, and are raising our children in the faith. Praise God! “Oh happy fault…” Your children will not be perfect- but you can redeem your past and help them create something beautiful for God.
Abigail (and Et Tu Jen?): I’ll pray for you, because I begin my prayer series for the third year in consecration soon and I know how exciting it is.
Corrine: check out Maureen Whitman, because she just put out a paperback on books for kids of all ages.
It’s called For The Love of Literature.
M-Mom: Loving your sharing! You are very brave to bare all and I admire that! God loves you!
Margaret,
Thanks for sharing yourself with us. I too am a Cursillo child. I went towards a similiar path as you, although not as young. One thing we need to remember is to give all our guilt to Jesus. He will take it from us. All’s we need to do is ask. I’m still trying to rid myself of the last of my “baggage”. God Bless you.
Wow, the TV/media sounds so much like my growing up! I was not into drinking or drugs though thankfully.
Thank you for sharing so much. We all have the same fears for our children. The hard truth is we cannot save them from everything bad, what will make them strong? But I keep telling myself, “I’m going to try to make them strong to handle anything that does come their way and maybe those bad things won’t be so bad!”
You know, it’s strange that all those things were completely normal to me- all of it. As long as I didn’t get caught, I was fine. (Or so I thought). There have been many a time that I remember yet another shameful thing, ugh! So dear, you’re definately not alone-it’s a long, crowded road.
How often I wish I had more guidance from my parents on appropriate music and books…although they were pretty good about screening what we watched (TV and movies). I wasted a lot of time filling my head with garbage. Blech.
Have you ever read “Under Angel Wings” by Sr. Maria Antonia? Her guardian angel visibly protected her from bad books, bad movies, impurity, etc…what a grace! We can only do so much as parents and I am often reminded (and am learning more) about the importance of praying to our kids’ guardian angels WITH them and FOR them…to light and guard; to rule and guide.
I was too afraid of a criminal record so I stayed away from drugs and alcohol. But the rest I can relate to far too well. Along with the desire to protect my children from similar influences.
I hope that hitting bottom wasn’t as painful for you as hitting a telephone pole was for me. I also find it rather interesting that both of us have been compelled to write about a similar topic at the same time.
Margaret,
Thank you so much for sharing your story – so many people can relate to it. I, too, worry about my children and their response to the things in this world that could hurt them. I try the best I can to provide them with a strong foundation – so hopefully they’ll recognize trouble when they see it – prayer is the only way I’ve found of calming these particular fears.
~Jenny
I can relate to what you said about reading. I was a voracious reader, and by 5th grade had read through everything worthy in our small school and the book mobile. While the librarians questioned my choice of reading bodice-rippers, they never pointed to any of the classics when I asked for other suggestions. Needless to say, it has taken prayer, work and time to remove the images and impressions THOSE books left in me at such a young age.
I refer to “Honey for a Child’s Heart” and “A Landscape with Dragon’s” when looking for books for my kids. I’m so thankful that they love to read, but I want to be careful of what I allow and encourage them to read.
Thanks for sharing your story — as a recent convert, I appreciate it much. I can so relate to what you talk about as influences. Growing up in the era of Love Boat, I came to high school and college totally convinced that every normal person was sleeping with as many people as they could. That was “sexually healthy,” and not doing it was “repressed.”
I’m lucky that God (largely through my natural intense shyness) preserved me as long as He did, and I met my husband fairly early, or I could have made many many more mistakes than I did.
Totally OT — I hope you will be at the upcoming conference at St. Thomas! I see there is a chat for blogging moms.
I was wondering if you all could clarify what Consecration to Jesus through Mary is? I have never heard of it. Is it something only cradle Catholics would know? I am a convert to the Catholic faith and am still learning….as we all do through experience.
Wonderful post, Margaret. I could have been the girl you were describing when you talked about the music and the reading material. They were my church for a long time. It’s hard to forgive myself for those times, but I know forgiveness is there for the taking through Confession. (that is something I am still adjusting to) God forgives. Wow. I just hope to lead my children down a different path than my own. With God’s help, I know that I’ll do my best.
Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary is brought to us by Saint Louis de Montfort. You can look him up at http://www.saintlouisdemontfort.com
for more information.
I am a convert as well, but only found this devotion about three years ago (my anniversary to the consecration is coming in the Feast of the Visitation).
This really resonated with me too.
I managed to avoid most of the bad music and television; but the books did some real damage. My downfall wasn’t bodice rippers but genre fiction, specifically science fiction and fantasy, which had about the same content, just more jumbled with other plot elements, which made it seem less dangerous, I suppose. I too wish my parents had more closely monitored what I’d read, safeguarded my purity. I am determined to do a better job with my own children. Thank you so much, Margaret, for writing about this difficult subject.
I think we are twins. Your story and mine are very similar. I also read inappropriate things way too early. I can remember reading The Thorn Birds in like 6th grade and even questioning my mom “are you sure this is ok for me to read?” and she didn’t care. I read Carrie in 3rd grade! 3rd grade!
I worry for my children as well. I don’t want them to EVER know what type of person I really was in highschool. I’d rather them learn from the example I set now rather than how I was then.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Very good post
Margaret, thank you for sharing all this. I’m sure it is hard. But I think it is important. I’ve always seen pop music etc. as rather benign. I’m sometimes alarmed at what I was listening to and reading in high school (now, as I imagine my own daughter experiencing the same things). I’m trying to protect my children from these things, but I don’t think I saw it as a real threat to their purity until you began this series of posts.
Oh, how familiar this all sounds – Judy Blume, all those 80’s TV shows and the pop music. I was never very addicted, but it was all there and all around me without much protest from my parents. Even V.C. Andrews somehow got past my mother’s radar.
I admire your courage for posting this, especially if your family members read your blog.
Your points are edifying for me at a time when my husband and I are under fire from my in-laws for being too protective of our children. Because we do not want them spending the night with cousins when we are not there. Because we do not want them to watch Dora and Sponge Bob at Grandma & Grandpa’s. And of course because we homeschool.
At the same time, a friend with whom I grew up in the 80’s who is now Catholic (but wasn’t then) believes we should not shelter our children too much and create prudish too-easily-scandalized adults. The thought, I guess, is that our own mistakes often help us to be more understanding and compassionate in helping others.
But if we let our children be exposed to the same influences we were, it may lead to them making the same mistakes we did and there’s no guarantee they will come back to living in the state of grace. I was given and accepted God’s grace, as did you and many of your readers, but many do not – as we all know too well from witnessing the lives of family and friends.
So I have to say that I, like you, am in favor of erring on the safe side. Protect the age of innocence. Cultivate the lives of our children with the true, the good and the beautiful.
Our children may grow up and make the same mistakes we did in spite of our efforts, but I believe we must do our part and that we parents are accountable to God for how we raise our children. We can’t control their free will when they are older and eventually we will have to allow them more freedom as they mature. I think that “as they mature” are the key words here!
So go ahead – play Mozart, watch wholesome videos and read classic literature- flood your house with it!
Truly, our childrens’ minds and souls are SO hungry – and what a great reminder about the vigilance that’s needed to help them to stay pure. Thank you. I thank God that I was protected from *some* (not all) of what you describe – my guardian angel was putting in overtime in my early teen/teen years, and it is a great relief to me now to see some of the temptations I barely avoided.
I know your story is not done yet, but I am already praising and thanking God for His great graces for you and the gifts that He has filled you with since your “conversion”! I know you’re not perfect – yet – but Margaret, how far He’s brought you! Woo Hoo!
Praise Him!
I was a child of the seventies as well. I am 41 and was way too much into magazines (Seventeen, Young Miss), pop culture and all those John Hughes films. I’m surprised at times that I made it this far, so I think a lot of it is God’s grace. In some ways, however, I think my children are in a better place than I was growing up. The culture changed so quickly, and I don’t think my parents were truly aware of what was going on outside of our home. I attended a Catholic school that was nominally Catholic at best, and received very poor catechesis as most of my peers did. My parents (whom I love dearly) assumed that the school was doing its job in promoting the faith. My children attend public school so it is up to me and my husband to educate them in the Catholic faith. Even though it’s a difficult task, we take it very seriously because we have to.
I’m just getting back into my rock music/pop music…along with Latin plainchant too!
Margaret,
I read your blog almost every day and I so enjoy it. You are a wonderful inspiration!
Particularly, your conversion story has me thanking God…
Take good care… keeping you in my prayers.
I’ve learned, though others’ experiences, and a few of my own, that old phrase “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”
Teaching our children the “right way” doesn’t always work. Sometimes, no matter what we do, they make poor choices. But, if we don’t lead them anyway, there is little hope for them to find it on their own.
You know that your children may ultimately not choose the “right way,” but you have to make the effort to lead the way. Our pasts may be scary to imagine for our children, but it’s the knowledge of what could happen that can prevent it from happening again.
You’re a good mama.
Margaret, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. They hit very close to my heart. I’m a little older than you, but I share much of the same past. I love my parents dearly, but I also believe they tended to think my spiritual needs were being met through school and church. I grew up doing some of these same things, but there was always an inkling that they were wrong and to my everlasting pain, I did them anyway. I continued on the same path for years, until I was married and started having my babies. The Lord is so good for bringing me to the edge and pulling me back in the nick of time. I am doing my best to spare my children some of the pain I dealt with. But it is hard to walk the fine line between sheltering and hiding my kids. I will pray for you if you pray for me! Yours in Christ, Lauri
A lot of your story is very similar to mine. I have been longing to write my own conversion story for a very long time now. Thank you for posting yours!
You do not know me, but I just want to thank you for your courage in sharing your story. There are many of us with similar life stories, and it can be really hard to believe that even after conversion and (much) confession that we are not ruined by past mistakes. Thanks.
Well, Margaret, I would claim to be your twin but someone else already declared that! Except that I grew up in North Dakota also. I feel my own soul is still being clouded by the images of books, shows and movies I saw as a young teen/adult. I definitely don’t want that for my children. It is very hard to protect and guide our children in today’s culture. And often times doing so is at odds with one’s own family… my parents and sister’s family think I’m overprotective on tv watching, etc…
Thank you for the post.
Wow. It is weird how our culture has affected so many of us in much the same way. I can relate to everything you’re saying. The thing that gets me is the preteen literature….Judy Blume books have had a very unhealthy and negative affect on girls, and I can attest to that myself!