The Story of My Conversion
(Part I; Part II ; Part III; Part IV Prologue)
Part IV Continued: Hitting Bottom (Warning: The following post is rated PG-13.)
To St. Ignatius of Loyola, with gratitude and great affection
“Every sinful act involves a separation from God. This is the greatest deception a man can fall prey to. This is true evil. Sin takes away sanctifying grace, the life of God in the soul, that which is the most precious gift we possess.
“The road to hell is itself a living hell.” (In Conversation with God, Vol. IV)
It really is a matter of giving in when you shouldn’t.
It’s a matter of original sin and concupiscence.
It’s a matter of music, and magazines, and choices, and drinking.
It’s a life of sin and I led it.
What led you to make the big mistakes that you did? Is this just an unavoidable part of growing up? I can’t believe that it is, really. I can’t believe that such sinfulness was God’s plan for me.
Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes, we are fallen creatures and will say yes to the lure of sin from time to time. What is it, though, that compels some of us to be a “big fish” in terms of our immorality (to use the words of the priest who heard my general confession) and others to only sample and move on?
In thinking it through and applying my “grown-up” wisdom to the girl that I once was, I have tried to determine what factors led to my spiritual demise. I can’t change the past but I can try to learn from it.
Being the youngest in the family–and a surprise for my 42-year-old parents–meant going it on my own for most of my adolescence. My parents were tired and my siblings were busy with their growing families. Unfortunately, with as attention-seeking and affirmation-craving as I was, I needed a firmer hand to guide me. (This is one of the reasons I’m a stay-at-home mom, by the way. My children are just like me!)
Another factor is my outgoing, artistic temperament, which in high school and college led me to want see the world in different ways and experiment with perspective. (In short, I did a lot of drugs. More on that later.)
Finally, we have my lousy taste in entertainment. I’ve talked about this at length in my earlier posts–about the effects of my having grown up immersed in modern music and reading pulpy teen literature.
This is a big concern for me. I worry about the influence of books and music all the time. Where do we draw the line at what we let our children do?
- For example, do we let them watch “Friends” reruns? (Which episode should we watch tonight, kids? The one where Monica and Chandler are in bed together? Or the one where Rachel and Joey are in bed together? Or how about the one where Rachel and Ross are in bed together? Such selection!)
- Do we let them read Seventeen magazine? I found this online at Seventeen.com: “When it comes to sex, remember: you are ultimately the person in charge of your own happiness and your own body.”
- Do we let them listen to music with explicit lyrics? (Some would ask, do we let them listen to Rock at all? The expression is not, after all, “Sex, drugs & Vivaldi”.)
- Do we throw our old CDs away?
These are the questions that I am asking now—post-conversion and as a concerned mother. I would love to hear from parents of older teens and twenty-somethings with an answer to the following: Is it possible to make it through to adulthood without so many sinful detours? Is pop culture to blame?
Part of me wonders if this was just something I had to go through—I mean, I know that there is a certain amount of selfishness and soul-searching inherent to young adulthood.
But some of these memories just kill me.
“It’s getting harder and harder to deal with this me. I don’t like her. She’sfat—she talks too much and drinks too much—and if she meets a fellow coming out of the restroom who offers her a jay, she’ll take it. I am never prepared for her hypocrisy. I wonder how the Lord can stand her.” (From my journal, dated 6/10/89)
I drank a lot and I basically smoked my weight in marijuana. Things progressed from there. By the time I was in college, I was no longer having just a drink or two; I drank to get drunk and that was that.
Why bother drinking otherwise?
It wasn’t long before I became a slave to sin. You’ve heard that expression and it’s true, so true. I was a slave to sin. There were sexual sins and eating disorders and mind-altering drugs and so on. You can’t just give the devil an inch, you know. He’s way too powerful to let you get away with that.
And the thing about drinking and drug use is that you never know where your choices will lead you. It may be funny when your friend throws up on the lead singer’s shoes, but it’s not so funny when you are frightened—really frightened—because the bass guitarist won’t let you leave his motel room.
I lived a life of guilt and regret. I became the cause of pain, disappointment and scandal to my friends and family. I broke my dear parents’ hearts.
I went to confession this afternoon. It was Monsignor, and I didn’t get the wisdom and hope that I usually get from Fr. Don—but I went. I needed to go—desperately—because once again I’d become a victim of myself. (From my journal: 6/10/89)
When I was at my “worst”, as it was, when I was hopping from mortal sin to mortal sin and skipping weeks of college at a time, I decided to just stop praying. Because really, why should I bother? Even though I believed in God—loved Him, and longed for Him, and was still “Catholic” in name—I thought that praying would be hypocritical.
So I just stopped.
Score one: Satan.
The most major news at this writing—I was in a car accident, and by some strange twist of fate, was saved from a brutal death. I was smoking at the time. I can’t help but wonder if this influenced the occurrence of the accident. Perhaps it didn’t—we hit a sheet of ice and the car went out of control. Perhaps it would have happened anyway. Perhaps it wouldn’t have. All I remember is holding the joint, and looking up as the car began a series of severe fishtails across the road. Roger Daltry was screaming, “Free me!” on the radio. The car was all over the road, and then we hit the ditch. I can still hear each and every crunch as the car preceded to roll. And then there was silence. Except for the radio. “Free me!” And that was the most terrifying moment of my life—because I didn’t know who was dead, and who was alive. (From my journal: 11/13/85)
My friend changed her ways after the accident. I, being clueless, did not.
Obviously, there is much that I regret about the decisions I made while growing up. At the top of my list is the fact that there are great big gaps in my education. The late teens and early twenties should be a time of tremendous learning—the sky’s the limit for a young adult in college!—but instead, I frittered away my freedom on beer and cigarettes. I chose the lesser path; I didn’t get it.
Here’s as good an example of that as any: When I was 20 years old, I spent the summer studying art in Glasgow, Scotland. One of the grad students from the school offered me a place to paint in his studio. I knew who he was–he was the most talented artist in the school and had already been commissioned by galleries throughout Europe. I knew this was a golden opportunity…but did I take it?
No, I didn’t. I partied with the members of the pop band Simple Minds but did I paint? No, I didn’t, and it was because of my intemperance and poor judgment that I missed out on the opportunity to work next to one of the best-known artists in Scotland today.
It’s not just these “sins of omission” that I regret, either. I am also burdened by the memory of the evils I committed. There are so many sins that tag along on the heels of alcohol and drug use; you know that as well as I do, and I don’t want to revisit them at this time or ever. I will say my deepest regrets in life concern my actions when I was high or drunk.
And I can’t take those moments back. Ever.
“Give me the strength to change my life. Give me the strength to change this f***-up life of mine.” (Gear Daddies)
I hit bottom many times. I knew what I needed in my life—I knew I needed God and ached for peace—but I did not know a way out. This was the person I was, I thought—this was who my friends were. Increasingly, though, those nights in the bar just left me empty. “I don’t get it,” I said to my friend one weekend. “I didn’t do anything embarrassing last night and yet, I still feel really guilty.”
A whisper in my heart…I strained to hear it.
There is nothing as lonely as the sound of church bells on a Sunday morning when you are just getting home from the night before. Truth has a way of piercing the clouds; the promise of heaven beckons.
Yes, God began to call to me home—quietly at first and then, with trumpet blasts and the intercession of true friends who cared. Two events were to happen that changed my life forever: I reconnected with a cousin on my way home from Scotland, and I spent the summer with Kurt Vonnegut.
I’ve been so down lately—little did I realize that all I needed was God in my life. He is always there to guide me—to offer me strength and forgiveness. In return, I offer You this day, Lord. The day that You have given me I give back to You. (From my journal: 12/12/85)
To be cont.
[Next installment: Free at Last ]
Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your heart Margaret. It was worth the wait.
You are to be commended for sharing this with us. It made me think of our Lord addressing those at Matthew’s house, when Mary was anointing His feet with expensive oil. “She has been forgiven much thus her love for me is much” (paraphrasing). Your love for the Lord is genuine, and deep because of these life experiences. Praise God!
You’re doing wonderfully. Except for the Simple Minds and Kurt Vonnegut, it could be my life.
Margaret: You are such a witness to God’s beautiful faith and mercy. Thank you once again for sharing.
Beautiful writing. You know how to write a great cliffhanger too!
Wow, Margaret you are so brave! I think though so many of us (in varying intensity) lived this because we grew up in a the social jungle that was the fallout from the sexual revolution of the 60’s and 70’s. I know that my values were to be cool, whatever that was. Movies, rock n roll celebrities, drugs, magazines, peer pressure, music all conspired to suck away our souls. It was a very painful time to grow up.
I however, feel this empowers me to better parent my teens. I know how awful it is out there. I have no illusions, no sugarcoating. Armed with knowledge however painfully gained leads me to the truth which is Christ. And that is something that I can hand on to my teens with complete faith in God. After all, God saw me through the 70’s and 80’s. He forgives his prodigal children. O Happy Fault, indeed!
Yeah, it could have been me, too, except the college and awesome opportunity bits. We all have regrets to varying degrees. I can see how much you put into writing this. You are doing a marvelous job of writing this out and I am looking forward to the next installment. Take all the time you need, because when you take your time, you do a spot on job of writing! God bless you!!
BTW, your comment about Satan reminds me of something I read recently: give Satan and inch, he’ll be a ruler. Something like that.
I’m having a hard time typing through my tears. Oh, Margaret, I have been there. I have sooooooo been there. And not just after high school. Seven short years ago I was on the edge of the abyss. I know He stopped me, and I’m so grateful and happy for the new life He has given me. But now, with everything that is happening, my past is coming back to haunt me. In a huge way. And I can’t help but question Him — why? Why is this the path you want me on? Why? I’m so privileged to know you, and you are so brave to put this out there. I’m scared to face myself, I truly am. Call me.
God Bless you, Margaret. You are a beautiful person who inspires me every day as I read your blog.
So beautiful and brave.
Thank you, dear Margaret, for such an intimate portrait of the earlier version of the beautiful vessel of God’s love that you are!
From Jeremiah 18:
[1] This word came to Jeremiah from the LORD:
[2]
Rise up, be off to the potter’s house; there I will give you my message.
[3]
I went down to the potter’s house and there he was, working at the wheel.
[4]
Whenever the object of clay which he was making turned out badly in his hand, he tried again, making of the clay another object of whatever sort he pleased.
[5]
Then the word of the Lord came to me:
[6]
Can I not do to you, house of Israel, as this potter has done? says the LORD. Indeed, like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, house of Israel.
And you’re right about the worry of our children. Our little ones are so sweet and innocent now- just like we were. I so fear any of the youth (not just mine) being anything like I was. I find it difficult to get rid of the shame even after being forgiven in confession. There are nights that it creeps up on me in the stillness and it weighs heavily.
God bless you sister, youre journey continues and it’s a beautiful one!
Incredible, Margaret. Your post sounds like the first five chapters of Gut Check, which I just read today. Incredible.
Your children will benefit from your experiences, though, as regrettable as you may find them. They will be better people for them.
God bless you.
This is beyond beautiful and amazing. What a truly stirring witness. What insight into life told with such a depth of feeling and unflinching honesty.
You have the makings of a book that could change lives here.
My Dear Sweet Maggie. I pray that our Lord will use these words you’ve written, so humble and heartfelt, to bring healing to you and to all who read them. You are a brave warrior. How very blessed I am to call you Friend.
I love you.
Absolutely beautiful, Margaret. I agree with Alice. Love to you!
I am de-lurking (being a long time reader) finally to say that you are truly inspiring, in so many ways. May God bless you.
Your witness is a gift really and I hope you are blessed from sharing it. I have been blessed by reading it.
As many have shared, your story is very similar to mine. The party culture of drugs and alcohol is not specific to any era. Change the music from The Who and ’80’s pop to Pearl Jam and it sounds like my adolesence.
I am thinking about your question…is any of this avoidable. I am not sure I have the full answer, but I do know parental involment is a large part of the equation. Had my parents done the smallest amount of check up they would have known what I was up to in a instant. They didn’t want to know.
As a result I am very vigalant as to the media my children consume. At times a song or two may creep in from pop culture, but I examine the lyrics and artist very closely. I have found Christian music is a good replacement and a lot of it very contemporary, and rocking too! 😉
I am sure some of this is avoidable, however I do also know that God uses everything in our lives, good and bad, to His glory. It’s hard to witness to others and meet them where they are at in their pain and struggling when we ourselves have been delivered from nothing. You have a powerful asset on your side, you can identify with people in the bondage of drug abuse and escapism, and you can witness to them that there is something more powerful! 😉 Take your former mess and turn it into your ministry! 🙂
Thank you, everyone. Your comments are kind and encouraging, as this was not an easy post to publish.
You’d figured that out though, hadn’t you. 😉
Wow. Am I reading about my own life here? I too am 41 and was a beautiful, social girl back in my day. Sometimes the gifts that you are given can be a tremendous burden. I often thought that maybe if I wasn’t so pretty or agreeable, I wouldn’t have been so slutty and out of control as a teen and young adult. And I knew better. My parents raised me to believe that sex before marriage was a sin. I attended Catholic schools for most of my life, and graduated from a prestigious Jesuit university. I worry about my children because just “knowing” something or some type of behavior is wrong doesn’t necessarily mean that one won’t do it. I obviously checked my Catholicism at the door when I was in high school and college. I didn’t really care about it at all, despite my family and upbringing. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I finally came back to the Church. For that, I’m eternally grateful.
God is good and forgives all those sins as long as we are truly sorry. Thanks, Margaret. You’ve shown me that I am indeed not alone.
I don’t know if its avoidable for our teens. I just know I love them and pray that if they fall they have a BIG Conversion experience before anything tragic happens.
Thank you Margaret.
Margaret,
Thank you for continuing to share the story of your conversion. You are very brave, and God has showered you with the graces you so freely share with the rest of us.
I have to admit that I am absolutely with you regarding popular culture. (In fact, I’ve recently been taking part in a lively discussion on the matter over at Faith and Family and Testosterhome.) Like you, I don’t let my kids come in contact with sitcoms, magazines, pop music (old, new or “Christian”). As far as music, I suppose eventually they’ll encounter it in their adult lives, but by then they’ll have a properly-ordered spiritual and musical formation–I hope!! We hide the few old CD’s that have lingered, mostly my husband’s 🙂 and don’t listen to anything in front of the children that we would not let them listen to. It’s OK, no, actually crucial, to protect our children from insidious pop culture, as you can attest to first-hand. My mother, herself kind of wild in her younger days, as a result “over-protected” me in ways for which I am extremely grateful. She later modified her way of thinking, and I can see the effects in my much younger siblings. We have to vigilant with these little souls…you’re doing a great job!
God bless you, Margaret! Thanks again.
I haven’t been following those discussions, J.C., but they sound very interesting.
One thought I have concerning my children’s formation (and taste in music later on) is that learning an instrument is very helpful. For one thing, they’re learning discipline; and two, they’re being exposed to good music daily.
I took piano lessons for about year growing up. My complaining was such that my parents let me stop; like I said, they were tired at that point. (Plus it didn’t help that I was relentless.) How I wish I had persevered!
Wow, what a heavy post! Beautifully written, Margaret. I love that Christ came FOR sinners – not for the righteous. It helps us to know not to judge or criticize the behavior of others(except when necessary for witnessing truth to our children, perhaps), but to only pray for them.
You are a beautiful example. May Our Lord transform us all, especially those in most need, the way He has you.
Maggie, your post was beautifully written and I thank you for sharing it. I told you once (to your jaw-dropping disbelief) that I wrote journals and then burned them. I have no desire to remember anything that has happened in my life. Your journals are written so well and include such an insight, I can see why you kept them. That makes me wish that I could have had more insight back when I wrote. Maybe it would help with my situations today.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m late in commenting and you know it’s because the pop culture influence is a debate I have in my head every single day. I’ve been thinking about this since you posted and praying for you. You are so brave.
Margaret,
It was very brave for you to share this difficult part of your past. But as others have said, we all have sins in our past that we regret. God in His infinite love and mercy is able to take this, though, and work good from it. Romans 8:28!
Love,
Jane
I feel touched and teary-eyed rading this, Margaret. God and my mother’s prayers, plus and inherent shyness and obstinate “squareness” saved me from this path ~ though I sat right in the middle of the cross-roads myself through my college years. ** You asked if children can become young adults and escape these sidedtrips that too often become dead ends… I think they can ~ and with God’s help all our young people so far have stayed on the straight path (but we never, ever take that for granted!). I don’t think the answer is becoming cloistered. Pop culture can be evil, but isn’t always. And, sooner or later,whether we like it or not, our children will be out in the world dealing with its evils. “Be in the world, not of it…” is a good rule of thumb. I think it’s important to be of-the-world-apart by teaching selectiveness ~ why to be selective, and how much fun the kids can find in selecting wholesome pastimes. And, perhaps most importantly, to be selective in choosing good friends. And talk, talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen ~ not necessarily in that order. You can’t be your child’s best friend, but you can and should be each one’s most trusted advisor. And last, but most of important of all, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY ~ for them and with them. ** Bless you, Margaret! You are a sheep He went after; there is so much hope in seeing your success story. You’re doing such a good thing here, with such honesty, tackling these subject so important to our hearts.
Yes, Mags, you are writing the experience of so many of us — the experience of His mercy as well. So beautiful. He is so good … I love you, sweetie.
About what our children can take from all of this … I hope that one of the main lessons is that drugs and alcohol diminish our capacity to call the shots. We THINK we’re calling the shots with our “daring” choices, but we cannot really maintain enough control to be who we want to be.
I’ll have to take a look at that lively discussion that was mentioned. I have a lot of thoughts on that, but am mostly a “controlled exposure” sort.
Lots of love to you!
Even at your lowest point, your journal entries show strong faith. Much stronger than most teenagers. I know my journal entries didn’t sound like that.
I can’t wait to read the next part.