The Story of My Conversion
so great a Redeemer!”
I have been dragging my feet about telling this story and so I am going to just jump in and do it. Why has it been so hard for me to start this? I’ll tell you. I think it’s 1/3 procrastination, 1/3 pride, and 1/3 the work of Satan, who would much rather I not tell it.
So there you have it.
The reason I’m suffering from pride and procrastination is that it is not easy to expose the gunk that’s in one’s closet. It’s not pretty, nor is it a source of—here’s that word again—pride for me. I think that’s the point, however. I need to grow in humility.
Consider this. I made my first general confession when I was 23. It was a doozy—4 1/2 pages long with plenty of yuck and guck and embarrassment. Once I’d left the confessional, however, I was free as a bird and light as a feather. My conversion was profound and lasting…so much so that one year later, when I made a second general confession (of the past 12 months only) with this same priest, his advice to me was surprising.
He said, “Watch out for pride.”
It is so hard not to be prideful when you are on the path of righteousness! Especially when you see others who clearly are not on the same path. Satan tries to use my virtue daily to turn me into a Pharisee—and I have to be careful, very careful. Jesus came in forgiveness, not condemnation.
I’ll begin my story now.
God has done great things in my life, though I did little to deserve them.
I was born some 41-plus years ago in a little Minnesotan town. (We moved to North Dakota when I was two.) I was born the sixth of six children—the baby, the surprise.
Call it nature or call it nurture, but my placement in the family lineup was to have an effect on me. I was pretty much an obnoxious little extrovert from the get-go, and this aspect of my temperament has proved much the challenge—then as well as now.
I craved attention and loved the limelight, and even at a young age—though certainly I was not culpable in the strictest sense—I was selfish, spoiled and (worst of all) I could be mean.
I was mean, for example, to my dear little niece who—at four years my junior—was cuter and sweeter and in possession of a huge set of dimples & incredibly blue eyes. I was only five years old or so at the time, but the depth of my anger and envy were quite profound.
Poor little honey—I was so mean to her at times.
The only person who noticed my aggressive behavior and who really truly intervened was my best friend. The rest of my family was…I think…too busy to really notice what I was doing.
We are all born wounded and we are all born prone to sin. One of the greatest mistakes that we can make in raising children is to ignore them and to not correct their natural vices. We cannot assume that they will choose the good—and in fact, if we are not surrounding them with the things of heaven, they will choose for themselves the things of the world.
Which brings me to the most evil and destructive element of my childhood: I was exposed to pornography at a very early age.
My best friend’s father subscribed to several really bad magazines, and he left them in plain view. You know the rest, and I am so very saddened to think that my purity and innocence was destroyed just like that due to his neglect and our liberty. We were left alone with these images—time and time again—and I don’t need to tell you the damage that they did.
Well, thanks be to God Who, in His goodness, has been able to take this ugliness from my childhood and redeem it. Because of my past I am most sensitive to impurity, and discuss the importance of modesty with my children all the time. “Discuss” is the key word here—we cannot not talk about these things with our children. We shelter them from the world at the same time that we warn them openly…and we pray.
To be continued.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Thanks for sharing your story Margaret … can’t wait to hear more.
I can relate on many levels and I especially feel drawn to your “pride” comment. This year I have really participated in my faith, and I find that I struggle with that whole pride thing. Knowing that maybe this is more common is a little bit comforting. I guess I need to pray and then pray some more 😉
You are a great story teller …
Margaret,
Thanks for opening up with your story. You have alluded to it many times in our conversations, but you’ve never gotten around to telling me.
As for the challenging part of your temperament, how lucky you are to have something in common with St. Therese of Lisieux!
Oh no, a cliffhanger!!
Thanks for sharing. Beautifully written, too.
Very beautifully written. I can’t wait to hear more.
I’m with you on that struggle with pride. It’s one of my biggest faults.
God bless you, Margaret.
Ah Margaret, you and I have walked very similar paths my friend. My spiritual director once said that the three roots sins are Pride, Pride, and Pride. Boy, he was right. I also came back to the Church at 23. It was long, slow, and I didn’t make a general confession until the age of 26. I’m sorry about what you were exposed to as a child. I too, say that “stuff” at too early of an age from a friend’s teenage brother. It left deep marks. I am awaiting the rest of the story!
Thanks for being so very honest. what a perfect time for purging yourself of pride. we all can relate and I am sure that we uphold you being so honest and truthful. I mean, how many of us would really go and tell our conversion stories with all the gruesomeness too? Well, thank You Jesus for Your redeeming blood! Thank you for this gift of Faith!
I would recommend (if you do not know if it already) is what is called a “Program of Life” wow-it can do wonders-whether the main root sin is pride, vanity or sensuality. I have used one for 8+ years and have tweaked it accordingly-I am 31 with #6 on the way so please pray for me.
God bless you! I can’t wait to hear more.
Thank you, dear Margaret. I look forward to your continuation.
Margaret, thank you for being willing to share your story with us. I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of it as you are ready to share it. I am a convert to the Faith from the Southern Baptist denomination, so I can relate to that first long confession. 🙂 While I didn’t have a lot of gruesome details, the fact that I had unknowingly lived outside the Truth for so long, and in some instances worked against it – was really hard for me to bear. But – walking out of that confessional was an amazing feeling – I was as light as a feather! 🙂 I wish that we had more priests where I live, or even one priest who really took confession seriously – it’s very hard to find somewhere to go around here, and I would really like to go reguarly…
~Jenny
Thank you Margaret for sharing such painful things. You KNOW we all love you. I can’t wait to read more. I will be praying for you.
Dear Margaret, it is so rare for us moms to discuss pornography, but it is so important. Especially for young boys, but certainly for little girls as well. One of our local Norbertines held a conference on the subject recently. He said pornography is the number one subject to come up in his confessional. (And he is the Prior of a very conservative, traditional abbey.)
God bless you, friend. Have a wonderful weekend.
I just did my first “general” confession on Tuesday. Thank you to St. Francis de Sales!
oh! I can’t wait to hear the rest. That was a “book turner” of a story. I hope you share soon. Which makes me think that I should write my conversion story as well.
That was beautiful Margaret, and very heart wrenching at the same time. I was also wounded at a very early age, even younger than you were. You really made me think when you mentioned that you were the youngest of six. My youngest (of five) has a very similiar personality to yours, and he gets away with more than I would like to admit. Thank You for reminding me to keep a tighter rein on him. God Bless You Margaret and I will pray for your wounded heart.
Oh, Margaret, you’re so right that we have to be vigilant *all the time* and have to to be so careful about what our children are exposed to. God has taken the injustice and harm done to you as a child and turned it around for His good: He has made you a devoted, pure-hearted mom who will guide her children in the ways of righteousness. 🙂 He is so good.
Hugs, sweetie.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Margaret – you remind me how important it is to keep our children close and love the heck out of ’em.
You’re using your experience now to strengthen others through your witness! God bless you!
One of the greatest mistakes that we can make in raising children is to ignore them and to not correct their natural vices. We cannot assume that they will choose the good—and in fact, if we are not surrounding them with the things of heaven, they will choose for themselves the things of the world.
Margaret-
What wise words! These words are going on my laundry room wall. I want to remember them
Kate
I too was exposed to pornography at a young age (before 10). It was in my house. You are not alone. St. Lucy is a wonderful saint for help with this.
I, too, was exposed to pornography, but not until after I was abused by other children, older than myself.
Thank you for telling your story. I don’t think I have it in me to tell that part of mine. Many will gain strength from you.