Last night my husband and I shooed the children into bed and sat down to watch a movie. (It was an okay film. I don’t necessarily recommend it.) At one point we had to pause the DVD to comfort a child who woke up frightened. While John was upstairs doing this, (my husband’s very good at comforting 4-year-olds), I was downstairs immersed in thought.
“So tell me what you think,” I asked him when he returned to sit down next to me. “What are our chances of winning this election? What are our chances of keeping this baby?”
“Well,” he replied after a moment, “I’d say the odds are against us on both counts.”
So much for comforting the momma! He was honest, though, and I appreciated his frankness.
I will be honest with you. This pregnancy has been very hard on me emotionally. I feel as if God is calling me to make a very great act of faith here…yet every day, it’s a struggle. Mentally this is all very familiar. I am always tempted to put the rest of my life on hold until I find out whether or not we get to keep this baby.
It’s hard to live like this, as you can imagine.
When we lost our last baby, I told my doctor that I couldn’t do the twice-weekly progesterone shots anymore. Having done this for the last three pregnancies, all of which ended in miscarriage, I was no longer convinced that this was the best approach for me.
Plus it’s excruciating for the kids to have to go into the clinic twice a week for—what? Two, three, four weeks in a row?—only to suffer yet another loss.
“You know what?” Dr. Mary assured me. “I completely agree with you.”
This is what I am doing:
- I am still taking progesterone only this time it’s in the form of suppositories.
- I take a baby aspirin every day.
- I see my chiropractor.
- I count the days and weeks of my pregnancy. (As of last Thursday, I am eight weeks along.)
- I
frettry to pray.
I feel afraid (often) and I cry (occasionally). Then, of course, every time I do break down I analyze the emotions. “Are these pregnancy hormones,” I wonder. “Or is this a spike due to miscarriage?”
Like Our Lord confronting Peter at the side of the boat, I must continue to ask myself: Where is your faith? Is it good for me to worry about either this pregnancy or the election? No, but it is very good for me to pray.
I will close with some words of wisdom from a child—in this case, my daughter Cate. She and I were on our way to Little Flowers Saturday morning and she was describing (at great length) a dream sequence she had had the night before. I’ll admit my thoughts were wandering—as always—and then these words of hers brought me back to life:
“You have to do everything a dream says,” Cate remarked, “Because you can’t move freely in a dream.”
Today I will try very hard to move freely.
My thoughts are not the boss of me.
Have a blessed day, my friend. You pray for me and I’ll pray for you.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
You know, Margaret, I am sometimes afraid to click through to your site from my reader, lest I find out the worst — and we don’t even know each other! I can only imagine how terrible and overwhelming this must feel to you.
Please know that I am praying for you, and longing for the happiest of outcomes, for both you and your baby. May God continue to bestow his abundant blessings on you both.
You are assured of my prayers. I think God is leading you through some beautiful scripture to remind you of His promises. The terrain is very precarius so as to lean on Him, as you have been given to grace to “see”. God speed…
I think even just as a friend, we go through the motions, not knowing what is going to happen. (when anyone is pregnant)
We love you and are praying for you, hopefully lifting you up at the right times.
What were the odds of a poor, virgin, peasant girl getting pregnant with the Savior of the world?
We can’t live on odds, but we can live on faith.
I will continue to pray for youas well! God bless!
You have been in my prayers for weeks and will continue to be.
You and your baby continue to be in my prayers.
Oh, the wisdom of children.
I did the same regimen you’re on when I was pregnant with Ramona, (minus the chiropractor.) It’s all in His hands, isn’t it?
Move freely with Grace, my dear Margaret.
Margaret,
Please know that you have been in my prayers and will continue to be throughout these very hard times and beyond…..
Like Eileen, I have been very nervous almost every time I click through to your site. I have been praying for you and your baby. (((HUGS)))
Don’t analyze, Maggie. Just be. There are so many things in this life that we have no control over. None! And we waste so much time and energy and love worrying – or analyzing the source of our worries. So don’t. Just be. Whether it’s pregnancy hormones or just fear of the unknown future, just be. And remember that you are being prayed for, with love and hope.
You are in my prayers.
Count on it!
I admit I was worried when I read the title of this post and I said a quick prayer for you. I have lost only one baby, but that was very difficult for me and I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you to go through so many. I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.
I am praying for you. From one Maggie to another.
Hi Margaret. I will really pray for you. You’re not crazy.Sometimes joy and sorrow go hand in hand. But I pray that this time, joy wins!!!
I don’t fault you one bit for your swings and emotions right now. It is a difficult time of waiting, to be sure! You have so much love for your child already, and I know how you long to have another babe to hold.
Two thoughts for you on the prayer front:
First, do you get the Blessing of an Expectant Mother when you’re pregnant? Our priests have always been the first people to know we’ve been expecting as we high-tail it to church and collect this for me and the baby from the Book of Blessings. It is a tremendous consolation to us, especially as you can’t yet offer your child the graces of Baptism, we’ve always felt like we’ve done the best thing possible for our unborn child (a sort of ‘dedication’ to God) and for the pregnancy.
Second, while I was reading your post, our oldest took the opportunity to read to me from his beautifully Catholic Seton homeschool book about Our Lady of La Leche (Our Lady of the Milk and Happy Delivery). Are you familiar with this image of Mary nursing the Baby Jesus? Many women have received miraculous pregnancies/deliveries through her intercession. You can google it to find the beautiful image or to read some testimonies about her miracles. I just did, and I found a prayer for motherhood that I’m going to print and pray daily for us both.
Prayers, love, and more prayers from here…
I can only imagine what your going through right now. I’m sure it isn’t pleasant. I’m praying hard for you and your baby.
Margaret,
My little ones pray for the unborn babies every night and I always think of you and add an extra prayer.
It must be very difficult not to worry and fret. May God give you all the graces you need!
Janet
This is a very honest and powerful post. I have a few people in my life who are pregnant. Three to be exact. One was trying for a year and are thrilled they’re expecting. Number two is my sister in law. A surprise pregnancy, it will be baby number six when the oldest is just yet nine years old, and she is so sick she can’t even drive her kids to school most days. She has help that came out of nowhere. It has been a very difficult adjustment. The third is a friend who informed me on Friday. This is her eleventh child, and it was a surprise. In each of these cases, there was suffering and there is suffering. Then there is you. You have suffered more than most people will. I cannot say I understand how you feel, because I have never had a miscarriage. But I have suffered, and the greatest thing we can do with that suffering is give it to God. He is calling you to something so big, Margaret. Something so huge with this baby. He is asking you to go on blind faith. In order to do that, you have to fumble in the dark for Him, you have to cry out to Him, even when you don’t hear Him answer. You have to trust that no matter what happens, everything is in His hands. That includes you, this baby, and all the others before them, alive and awaiting you in eternity. This is what saints are made of my friend. And so far, you are doing a fine job. I love you…
Praying, dear Margaret. The fretting and the fear can be awfully overpowering, can’t it?
I wish I knew what to say to make this easier. I’m praying for you daily.
Be not afraid.
God has both you and this little one in the palm of His hand.
I’m praying for you Margaret – I know what you mean about the constant wondering. I keep telling myself that wondering and worrying doesn’t change the outcome – I have no control over my womb or the lives of any of my children. I can only do the best I can with what I can do and trust that God’s plan for them (and me) is perfect…
I’m praying…
~Jenny
Margaret, you know our prayers are with you. I went through exactly the same thing and I know how hard it really is. Place yourself in Our Lady’s hands. Have faith in Our Lord. It may go one way. It may go the other but keep in mind that God is holding you and your precious child. Your child will be safe either way. We love you, Margaret. Even through cyberspace. I will pray for you and your beautiful family.
My prayers are with you, Margaret!
Praying for you, dearest Margaret.
Brilliance from a child.
You have this baby right now and are holding him or her in your womb. Enjoy and love these moments. God Bless you . . .
I really like what Jen said . . . You know, I’ve only lost one pregnancy (the first) and it wasn’t easy and I can’t imagine your pain. However, you must enjoy this baby that you have growing inside of your womb, because the baby is very real and very dependend upon you. You don’t have to be strong; just trust in the Lord.
My prayers are with you.
I read earlier today but the demands of schooling required that I wait to comment…
I am praying for you every morning in our morning rosary. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be so guarded. I check back often to see how you are.
Peace!
Praying continually for you and baby and your peace of mind and body. And all your family and Ellie, too. lois
Praying for you Margaret. May Our Lady of the Rosary hold you in the palm of her hand.
Oh, I’m all misty, little friend — so beautifully written. I am so very on your prayer team, and I’m cheering you on all the way.
Prayers, always, dear friend!
Praying for you all the time! I’m a worrier as well, so I know this is incredibly difficult to walk in faith…
hugs and prayers (as always)
thank you for this update, Margaret. I think of you every single date and just imagine how difficult this must be.
Praying that this is easier on you soon.
Blessings, dear one!
Dear Margaret,
Although we’ve never met, I’ve enjoyed your blog. Please be assured of my prayers for you and your precious baby. I lost my first baby through miscarriage, and the pain is overwhelming. I fortunately gone onto have four beautiful children. Cherish the time you have with that little one, and know that many are prayying for you.
I always have to remember that God knows what is best for me and not me. That is so hard to remember when you work so hard at being holy and a loving servant. Just remember to pray,”not my will Lord, but Yours.
As a mother who has lost 2 children to miscarriage, I think that your feelings are very normal. I mamnot currently pregnant and just thinking about those precious babies that are back in Jesus’ arms makes me cry. And I am not one who is prone to crying unless is it absolutely necessary – read that – my emotions will no longer hold themselves in check. Anyway, I am praying for you everyday as I pray for all pregnant mom’s, but I will lift you up specifically, as I think that I can understand exactly what you are feeling at this point. God is still on the throne, but it is still hard sometimes to just wrap ourselves in His arms and let go.
In His Love,
Heather
Dear Margaret
I have never suffered the heartache that you have. Please know I am thinking of you and sending thoughts of peace, well-being, tranquility and happiness to you. I visit your site each day because I love your honesty and humour. My fingers and crossed for you, dearie.
– Joolz
I’m praying for you!
I don’t post often here, but I do read often. 🙂 I pray for you every day, Margaret, I prayed through the last baby and I’m praying through this one. I hope, so, so hard for you to be able to carry this baby, and I pray for your strength no matter what.
My husband and I lost a baby in June this year. I will add you and your baby to my prayer intentions blog.
Therese
My dearest Margaret. I had no idea you were expecting. I am so happy for you. I will be praying many Memorares for you and your baby.