Subtitled: From Rocks in the Mattress to Flowers in your Hand
Disclaimer: This post is for healthy, married women only. If you are in your third trimester, if you are sick, if you are in Phase-Whatever-It-Is-When-You’re-Practicing-NFP-and-Can-Flirt-But-That’s-It…
If you are any of those things or, conversely, if you’re a guy…
Then this post is not for you.
For the rest of you, friends & acquaintances & casual lurkers, please have a listen and give my words some thought. I’m pretty sure that you will have heard this all before, but this is my account and my experience—one woman speaking from her heart.
The gift of self is saving my marriage.
(I could stop there, but I won’t.)
(Because my husband disagreed with that statement, saying, “Well, our marriage was never really at risk. It’s not like I was going to leave you or anything.”)
Okay, then, let me amend my words.
The gift of self is saving us.
The funny thing is, I didn’t think it mattered. I didn’t think…and yet I knew. I knew that I was ignoring him—that my cheerful goodnights were not enough. They aren’t, you know—and we can make all sorts of excuse about how we’re way too this and we’re way too that and doesn’t he know how busy I am?
In the end, NONE of that matters.
What matters is what you’re doing to him—what matters is what you’re doing to you. I speak from experience—a very real and jarring experience—that took place a couple of Fridays ago when we finally discussed the effects of my indifference. The look on his face said it all. The look on his face is what convicted me.
(In some circles it’s called a “light bulb” moment. In others, of course, it’s known as grace.)
What could I give him, poor as I am? What could I give him? I gave him my heart.
Every day I gave him my heart—every day, each and every day.
Because I knew that my husband and I would never have the closeness I want…without my giving him the closeness he needs. (I needed it too, despite my mind and satan telling me otherwise. You do know where those “I’m too busy/too tired/too embarrassed” thoughts come from, don’t you?)
It was like “Save the Date” every day for a week…
…and I’m pretty sure it saved us.
To be cont.
Okay, I'll be first. Thank you for this post. I am SOOOOOOO guilty of the "too tired" and "too busy" trap. He DOES deserve more of me. Thank you for the reminder, and I await the next post!!!
VERIFICATION WORD: potti
Hmmmmmm…
Margaret, I know exactly what you are talking about, as I've just recently had the same transformation. It is a grace that I begged for and God has granted it and it has been like a second honeymoon. I keep praying that it is a grace that will last a long time! God Bless.
I can't wait to read the next post! I often pray for the grace to SHOW my husband how much I love him even when I'm too tired. It matters! It really does! Thank you for addressing the subject.
Wow is all I can say….is this from a book? If it is, please give us the title!
I don't know if you are referring to a book, but the book "Holy Sex" was an amazing book, totally changed our perspective (we both read it) and it most likely lead to our third child (not that we weren't planning on having another one)
YEARS into my marriage I was having a rare TMI conversation with my mother, and I said I had recently figured out that men *need* sex, really need it, and way more than women do. She said, "Oh. I thought you knew that." And I thought, "Really? At what point in our relationship did you share that knowledge with me? Never! Hello? Am I a mind reader?" Of course, I didn't SAY that, but I did file away the idea that this crucial bit of information is too much of a secret. Thank you for talking about it. I hope many clueless wives read it and spare themselves years of being caught in that vicious cycle of waiting for the "perfect" moment which only makes the man less interested which only makes the perfect moment less likely to happen. Our husbands are more likely to chase us if they are assured they will catch us!
Personally, I have the opposite experience: he's tired and worn out and I'm the one with "that" look on my face.
Well…I fit in to that catagory, that this post is not meant for…but I do still have a little of my memory to store this into!! haha!!
I am guilty of not making the time for him…..of going to bed, almost on purpose too late, almost hoping him to be asleep. I opened myself up this past year and have tried to not do that…look at me now!! (haha)
It is funny, though, they do need that–somehow it makes them feel loved and cherished so much more.
Great post Mags, can't wait to read the next one….you could write a book, you know!
Thank you again for all you've done.
Such a good post, thanks to you and your husband for sharing it.
I will be the weird one to say that I'm just the opposite. Tears came to my eyes when i read your post, because I've been talking and talking to my husband, asking him why he won't touch me anymore?
I'm in my 3rd trimester and so many ugly things are happening to my body. I have so many insecurities and so I think of course that this is why he is not interested in me. I've brought this up 3 times with him–so embarrassing each time–and he seems to understand but still doesn't seem interested.
Very hurtful and I'm getting an insight into the guys perspectives. I know he loves me, but sometimes things change when you're pregnant.
I often find it surprising how "a lot of women" do not get this.
Feed your husbands…good food.
Give them lots of compliments…YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME…I LOVE YOUR BUTT!
Kiss them.
Pack their lunches.
Have sex…a lot. There are many ways to show love because many use NFP.
This is a great post and maybe you might help out many marriages with this.
Give give give. Tis the season!
To Catholic Married Women: Men need sex.
To Catholic Single Women: Men don't need sex even if they think they do.
Only married men need sex and only from their wives, assuming both spouses are healthy and there are no other issues to make sex impossible and/or improper. (Good clarification, Anon!)
Yes, these comments have been helpful and enlightening! Michelle, I appreciated especially your line about our husbands not chasing their wives because, really, what's the point? The answer will probably be "no" anyway.
That's a sad reflection on a Catholic marriage but, thankfully, by grace we can be better–more loving, more open, more…like a woman living true to her vows.
Ok I'm not trying to stir the pot but…… I KNOW men NEED sex. I heard it in pre-marital counseling and in EVERY marriage book I have read since. But, what do I do with MY needs? Not trying to be selfish because I know that marriage is self sacrificing. However, when I have not had a decent nights sleep in over a year (yes I have a baby who doesn't like to sleep) and I am teaching two kids with a baby on the hip day in and day out (not to mention the normal daily chores of running a family) I get resentful for having to fulfill a need that HE has when my needs are not being met either. If I get to be in the trenches of mothering little ones with my needs having to be put on the back burner or not be met as frequent or often as I need or want, then I think it is only reasonable that his should be as well. Don't get me wrong, this is something I struggle with and wish I could give more but how can I give something I don't have?
Roxaline, I think there's a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen for husbands to read that addresses the issues of a housewife, SAHM.
I have wondered about marriages when babies co-sleep with their parents. What about intimacy? If babies and the small children are always in the bed and/or bedroom, how does the couple have marital relations? Do marriages suffer?
To Anonymous, we have slept with our babies, for almost 13 yrs now. We have 5 children…the master bedroom is not the only place to be intimate if you know what I mean. And, nighttime is not the only time to be intimate either. We have learned to be creative and have learned to take advantage of occupied children. We like to say that mommy and daddy need to have a private conversation and we should not be interrupted..then we put in a movie.
Reminds me of something from The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands 🙂
I'd like to add…when you are in a totally exhausted phase that it really helps to initiate on your terms/time. If the kiddos all get to bed early, walk over the mound of laundry, and go find your dh. He'll appreciate it 🙂 and won't be so lacking for the next X days when you really are too exhausted.
Margaret, my beloved and I went on the Loving in Love Retreat in October (lots of good stuff about JPII's Theology of the Body), and that retreat saved our marriage too — a marriage that wasn't in trouble, but I'm telling ya, it saved our marriage, and you know what we (strike that, I) learned? Just what you said in your post!! 🙂 can't wait to read more.
ooops, that should say Living in Love Retreat. anyone interested can google it. They offer them in parishes.
I have always figured that, what with NFP and business trips and all, we get enough "days off." I can catch up on sleep then.
I have had this personal policy from the beginning of our marriage: never say no, and strive to initiate frequently, unless I am *actually* sick or in pain. I have to say it, along with a standing yes-you-may-wake-me-up agreement, has served us both very well.
BTW, I think it's worth finding out from your spouse which is more important, quantity or quality. 😉 In some seasons it's easier to manage one but not both…
Roxaline, I know exactly what you are saying. We have 7 children and this is what I have struggled with for years!!!!!
I had read books on the subject and I could understand what they were saying, but I just couldn't ever seem to make it real. Then
I began praying offhandedly a while back for the grace to really "love" my husband…unreservedly, with my heart engaged, not just saying yes because I felt as if I should. It really is a grace, one that God will give, so I just recommend that you pray for that grace. It may come slowly, but it will come. God Bless.
Roxaline – I hear you hon…I am up now at 4 am with a 15 month old who decided it was time to get up and PLAY…he is the youngest of 7….
Wouldn't some intimate time with the love of your life be a way to get your needs met too? Assuming he is a good lover, wouldn't giving to him also be pleasant for you?
I am not sure when we women decided sex was a "chore"… It certainly wasn't when we were newlyweds and couldn't keep our hands off each other… After a day of tending babies I love to steal some "grownup" time with my DH to feel like a woman (instead of a food source, cook, teacher and chauffeur)…
Men are very good with being given assignments….all I need to do now (after 22 years of marriage) is say something like "a clean kitchen by 10pm would really put me in the mood" and boom! It is done and we both end up happy…. Try "I would feel much more amorous Saturday night if you take the kids to the park and for ice cream so I can nap for 2 hours"… It took me so long to learn to ASK and I don't want you to suffer as long as I did… Now we BOTH win and BOTH get our needs met…
A mutual donation of self…as our wise Holy Father said…leads to true joy!!
Carla
Carla, I love your comment. I am so taking this approach… as a mom to a 2yo and one on the way. My husband would love for this to come out of my mouth! Cheers! Nicole
I know that many married women find themselves in the very spot you've written about. It's a subject that for many of us, we're embarassed to speak about it.
How do we admit, to ourselves first, that we AREN'T providing a need for our husbands. I used many 'reasons' to why I 'couldn't. And they were ALL legitimate.
Then I saw his face and we had a conversation. I felt humbled and saddened. Thanks be to God we are the road to rediscovery!
Continue writing, Margaret!
You know, I would love, love to be there for my husband. I would give my right arm and then some. But I can't. Because we use NFP, and I'm still nursing my almost two year old, and I haven't had a post partum cycle yet. And since I haven't had one, but sometimes/sometimes not have signs of possible/maybe fertility/maybe not, we can't take that chance. Having five c-sections already with preterm labor, and raising a son with autism with hardly just enough money to pay for his bills, I can't give him that. And it makes me really, really mad. So, one the one hand, I would anything to give myself to him. On the other, there are big consequences if I do. As in me being in the hospital away from him and my family for months at a time. Some days I am really angry at the Church. It would be much easier to get a dispensation or something and be able to move on and live our lives. I'm bitter this morning so I apologize. Sorry love.
Jen: your post made me so sad. I have never been in your position, so I have nothing to offer you except prayers. Praying for you.
Margaret: Well said! : D
Praying for you Jen and I am sure you are giving as much love as you can to your husband. It doesn't have to be sex to show how much we love our husbands. Mary and Joseph loved eachother without sex. I think there is way too much emphasis on it and if you can't have it in your marriage, we are made to feel like our marriages are not as healthy or good as people who have it. My husband has no sex drive at all and we haven't had sex in 2.5 yrs. I have been so angry at times, but my priest has helped me greatly. He told me that if God gives me this cross and takes that one thing from my marriage, He will give me two-fold of something else in my life to make up for that hole. I have to say, once I looked at it that way, I started to see the blessings in my marriage. My husband is an amazing man and our marriage is great on all other aspects. I am focusing on that. I have many friends who may have the sex, but their husbands are controlling, they don't laugh or they don't like eachother period. My husband is my best friend and we have so much in common and so much fun together. Maybe someday the sex will come because I would love that, but for now, it isn't there and I have to let it go. Love to you and lets pray for eachother.
Anonymous, I agree with you. Although my husband has a very strong sex drive, I have friends and family members whose husbands do not, but this doesn't seem to stand in their way of a fulfilling marriage.
Thank you, Margaret, for writing on this! Seems to be a challenge, but the blessings are so profound. (For both, partly because of ideally leading to a more thoughtful husband, which is not to say that's the main reason to give!)
Jen – there are indeed ways to effectively use NFP even while breastfeeding….I have over 19 years experience and nurse mine for 3-4 years…have you taken a class? Because any teacher (creighton, ccl, billings) who is telling you that you have no options until your first post-partum menstruation is WRONG!
Also, for most women, if baby is sleeping for a 6+ hour stretch, that triggers a return of fertility, making charting more predictable…would you consider night-weaning as a gift to your husband? I don't know your little one's needs and would not presume to tell you how to mother, but my kiddies were usually easily able to understand that "ummies" go to sleep after the last evening nursing and do not come out again until the sun is out… Your DH would probably be happy to help out with some rocking or back-rubs for the few nights it would take for your 2 yo to get comfortable….
Blessings to you!
Carla
This was great to read since we are currently in our fourth month of abstaining. We're dying! After the birth of my fifth baby and a new full-time job that required me to pump 5 days a week, I was completely unsure of my cycle and decided to abstain until it came back…since normally that happens around 4 months for me with pure breastfeeding (no pumping). I was sure that it would come back sooner since I was pumping and baby was getting bottles but it still hasn't returned and he's about to tun 5 months. All signs pointed towards a cycle but still not here. So, from a frustrated husband and wife in MA – all you married couples who can – take advantage 🙂
Beautiful Flowers …