After my big conversion when I was 23, (yes, I plan on returning to that story soon), I spent a half a year at an ultra-conservative Catholic college in Kansas. I was trying to find myself after having found myself, if you know what I mean.
It was a major struggle.
For one thing, I didn’t know anyone at this college. I enrolled at the recommendation of my cousin and her husband, both of whom were largely responsible for my conversion and both of whom—unfortunately, being married professionals—had to stay back in Minnesota and be my moral support from afar.
Not that I needed a lot of moral support at this school, because most of the students (myself included) were hyper-moral (at least in public) and were quick to point out any spiritual beams in their classmates’ eyes. (Erg.) I did need true friends, however, because after my conversion I’d lost a ton.
I guess that means that they were not true friends.
Anyway. I had gotten rid of many old behaviors but had not replaced them with any new-and-improved ones. For me this meant that instead going out to the bars at night, I stayed in my room with a book and a bag of Doritos.
It was a time of learning, shall we say? It was a time of major weight gain.
I was surprised and disappointed when the initial fire of my conversion settled down to a quiet flame. It wasn’t hard for me to be chaste and virtuous—at least not in the broad sense of those words—but I had much to learn about true virtue and real spirituality. For example, not getting drunk is one thing, but being temperate with one’s food on a daily basis is quite another.
Eventually I did form some lasting friendships. My core group included Beth, a devout young woman from Tennessee and Guillemette, an exchange student from Lyons, France. The French teacher from the academy—himself a native Frenchman— was soon to join us. He liked having the chance to converse with Guillemette, first of all, but he also liked Beth, period.
I didn’t know this when he and Beth planned a trip to France the following summer. I didn’t know this when they invited me along. (Sneaky Jean-Luc knew he needed to have a chaperone.) There I was, the proverbial third wheel, while Beth and Jean-Luc explored the beauties of Europe and their feelings toward each other.
Again, I turned to food for comfort.
You may not fault me for this decision because we were, after all, visiting a place known for la cuisine. However, we are not made to place so much emphasis on food! We are not made to think about it constantly. My behavior was disordered, stemming from my unhappiness and loneliness, and I knew it.
One morning found me particularly sullen and withdrawn. I did not care what the day’s itinerary held in store for us; I did not care about the beauty of the countryside or the wonders of this or that museum. I just felt cranky.
It didn’t take much to sense my mood, of course. Jean-Luc, himself intoxicated by love and giddy with life’s potential, playfully asked me, “Are you feeling fed up with this valley of tears, Margaret?”
This annoyed me all the more. I didn’t care how funny it (really) was or how cute it is when the French pronounce my name—Mar-ga-ret—with all three syllables clearly enunciated. I was too fed up to be amused.
And so it is that I am thinking about his remark this week. I am once again feeling fed up with this valley of tears—more than that, I am feeling fearful—mainly because of the uncertainties of this pregnancy and the grayness of our days. I am craving peace of mind and greenness of grass but unfortunately I have neither!
And once again I am turning to food for solace.
I share this with all the overeaters out there because I have long been one of you. Whenever a spiritual cog or two is out of whack in my soul, I prepare a snack before I kneel in prayer. It’s the quick-fix approach rather than embracing the challenge of lasting change.
Well, guess what? The God of my conversion is still there, I know. I need to look to Him and not to baked goods for my comfort. I need to pray and not eat my way out of this valley.
I need to change.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Turning to food instead of God is something I am also very familiar with, hon, so my prayers are with you. When you feel the need to eat (and when you are pregnant, I think it’s easy to say, “Well, I need to eat, so might as well enjoy it”) not out of hunger, but to put a band aid on your emotional worries, hurts, fears, etc, say to Jesus, in that very moment, “I’d rather be in Your arms than eating this food. Please help me, because I need You to hold me close and tell me it’s going to be okay.” Be persistant, like a toddler would be. He likes that. And you know that food is only going to make you feel better for maybe, a minute. What’s done is done. Start over today. And your baby is in the safest place in the world. Under your heart and in Mary’s care. Don’t worry!
I, too, completely understand. I think in our country we have been conditioned to eat during bad times and celebrations and so on. I was surprised to read about St. Mary’s- I went to KU (not conservative at all and led me to similar issues).
Hang in there, spring really is coming and all things will brighten!
Thinking about you and praying for you. You are such a strong woman. I know you can surpass this. I’ve been struggling with “food-reaching” for several years now. I know what you are going through.
Dear Margaret –
I will lift you up in prayer today. A year ago I was early pregnant after many miscarriages. I was Thrilled! to be carrying a baby, but, boy, the hormones, the fatigue, the nausea, etc. make for a very gloomy time. May the God of your conversion (a beautiful expression) infuse your soul with a ray of hope this day.
– Kelly
I love what jen had to say:
“say to Jesus, in that very moment, “I’d rather be in Your arms than eating this food. Please help me, because I need You to hold me close and tell me it’s going to be okay.”
As someone who has been battling depression of late (and dealing with it by eating large quantities of chocolate) this really spoke to me.
Margaret, God brings you to mind over and over again with a reminder to pray. If He’s doing that to me, He must be reminding people all over to pray for you — for the health of your baby, and for your peace.
I don’t know about you, but it always brings me such comfort when, in the midst of something big, someone calls me and says, “you know, God’s had me praying for you all day today!” It’s like the Holy Spirit is whispering to my soul, “See? I know what you are going through. I’m not far away. I see all your struggles and fears, and am sending you people to help carry this for you.”
Know that you are being prayed for…
I think it is the rare woman who didn’t at sometime fill a hole with food. I think it is even more common among those of us who realize filling up an emotional chasm with men and/or sex is harmful either turn towards food, alcohol and/or tobacco before we really (hopefully) get our act together.
Small world. I’m guessing you are referring to St. Mary’s. And if the timing is right and my recollection of stories of times gone by is correct my dh was quite good friends with Jean-Luc and I’m pretty sure with Beth too. He taught english and history there back in the late 80’s.
Oh, Margaret, lifting you up in prayer.
I am the opposite, I eat when happy, I don’t eat when depressed. As you have seen, I am not depressed very often…!
Amen to Ouiz’s comments! Margaret, I wrote a special prayer post for you yesterday before I even checked your blog today!
Hi, Margaret — First off, I’m relatively new here, and I’ve been enjoying the blog.
I admire your honesty in this post. And I can relate. I’ve never really been “overweight,” so I typically don’t think of myself as having a food problem — but in recent months, as I’ve tried to cut way back on sugar and other carbs, I’ve been realizing just how much I seem to rely on certain foods just to get through the day. It’s not good.
For what it’s worth… one thing I’ve learned is that the science indicates that refined carbs seem to be especially “addictive” (and in the case of sugar in its various forms, literally addictive, in the same manner as drugs such as nicotine). I only mention this because I hate for people to think that it’s only a psychological or spiritual issue, when the root of it may very well be physiological.
There’s a lot of evidence suggesting that sugar and other refined carbs are a lot more harmful than we’ve been led to believe. I know this is a controversial topic, so I’ll leave it there. But I would feel remiss if I didn’t at least mention Gary Taubes’s (rigorously science-based) book, “Good Calories, Bad Calories.” I’m a skeptical person, believe me, but I found the book very compelling.
Anyway, I’ll go about my business now. Hopefully I don’t seem too weird. Thanks for all the writing that you share here.
So I shouldn’t have had 2 pieces of cake already today? At least the kids ate the leftover take out from last night!
I’ll offer up my grocery shopping for you!
I don’t know about you but eating late at night after everyone else has gone to bed and I am a.l.o.n.e. is the biggest temptation. No one can see the HUGE bowl of ice cream or the brownie the size of my hand or the 10-15 cookies.
Nighttime is also when I worry the most.
It is way too easy to drown those late night anxieties in sugar, isn’t it.
((HUGS))) and prayers.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Prayers continually for you and Baby. lois
Margaret…praying peace and joy for you, my dear. You will find it. You know where it is. It is all around you, inside you. It is natural to seek an external consolation, during internal conflict. Don’t be so hard on yourself or brand yourself as “weak” during the times that the cross seems a bit heavier…even Jesus needed help carrying His Cross. Even Jesus cried out, making His need known. You have issued a rallying cry and your friends are praying for you. This is the best part of this crazy “blogging world”…a community of prayer warriors who will intercede on your behalf. God’s blessings!
Margaret dear, I know how you feel! I think we’ve all been down that road at one time or another. Trust in God always and know that you have friends all over the world who are here for you and who love you! You’re always in our prayers, be strong. Remember a sunny disposition is no match for a rainy day…..I know I’ve been reading my calendar way to much LOL! : ) God bless hon!
Hi dear Margaret.
I have been down that road many times. I use food to numb my feelings, and I am in the midst of working through some pretty difficult ones. Sugar has been calling my name very often the past week. I will pray that you find solace in the fact that God Loves You just the way you are.
Craving carbs can actually be a symptom of depression. I’m not saying that you are depressed, but carbs apparently release serotonin, something that is lacking in a depressed person. When I talked to my doctor about depression, I found out that binge eating is one of the symptoms. Ever since starting antidpressants my craving for food, especially sweets, has diminished. God bless!
Margaret,
I second that thought…don’t be too hard on yourself. You are expecting and you are not yourself right now (because you don’t feel well, your taking care of the needs of many, and you are growing another person inside of you!)
You are a beloved daughter of God…He knows all of our weaknesses and he loves us anyway. If Christ were looking into your eyes at this moment, he wouldn’t be talking about your weaknesses (i.e. your struggle with food)…He would be saying “I love you, Margaret, you are Mine!” And He does love you and you are His!
I’m praying for you in a special way.
Your internet friend in Christ,
Colleen Duggan
And you really are my internet friend!
Hi there–I’ve never posted on your blog, but I love it! I just have to ask if you if you have ever heard of “Lightweigh” It’s a Catholic weight-loss program that TRULY helps you look at food the way that God intended us to! My family and I recently moved (to far eastern South Dakota) and I’ve been trying to get a group started here b/c I’ve been through it before and I miss it so! Suzanne Fowler does wonders teaching us about the lives of the Saints and so much more! It is something that you can do pregnant–congrats by the way!!! We have 7 little ones ourselves. That’s all for now–maybe I’ll start commenting more :^) this post just really spoke to me! God Bless!
~Chandra
Since a couple of commenters have mentioned depression… there’s some evidence that the relationship may be the other way around: sugar and other refined carbs (due in part to their addictive nature) may contribute to depression.
But all of that aside, I agree with those who have pointed out that there are worse things than turning to food for comfort. This is something I’ve been keeping in mind as I try to gradually change my diet.
Thank you, everyone.
I am just popping in between choir and supper to say Thank You (I guess I just did!) for your words of encouragement and your advice. I do not mean to be overly hard on myself; it is really just a desire to change for the better and to eat, well, as the saints ate.
In moderation. 🙂
I’m chiming in a little late, Margaret, but completely relate to your eating woes, especially in the midst of life’s uncertainties. How amazing that while in situations we can’t control, we so easily revert to behaviors over which we have power. Just amazing.
Lately I have been trying to offer up my incessant eating during our most recent “woe” (getting approved for a home mortgage (while also pregnant!)) When reaching for my third snack of the afternoon(!), I am choosing water instead. This is a small sacrifice and one reminiscient of Lent during this Easter season–so good for me! Blessings to you and prayers!
Well, I guess my joke about finishing off the ice cream was inappropriate, given your circumstances. The thing is, I would have finished off the ice cream because I suffer from emotional eating as well. I eat when I am depressed, stressed, or angry. I know I shouldn’t but it is so hard not to. Thank you for your post, because it really was food for thought.
OOOOOOO my. Your post really hit a chord with me. Only, you don’t look nearly as “addicted” to food as I do. I am seriously obese. I am trying to lose weight and it’s so hard not to respond to the call of the cookies, or ice cream, or anything else I can find (chocolate chips???)
I will offer up my cravings and my DESIRE to eat when I’m not needing to fuel myself for you for the next two weeks. Everytime I reach for something or feel the need to have something I will offer it up for you and that precious little babe you carry in your womb. Hopefully that will help me get out of myself and you’ll have prayers!!!
Peace.