First of all, an apology to any of you who may have stopped by today looking for the next installment of my conversion story. Life has intervened this past week in surprising, sometimes wonderful ways and I was not able to finish it. Part III is three-quarters of the way finished and should be done by…
I don’t know when.
And I need to be okay with that. I did find that I was on edge today because I did not have the time to attend to it. I found that I was rushing through the day’s lessons to spend time on the computer. I found that I was tempted to pop in a movie—a long movie—just so I could finish.
Instead, I grit my teeth and tried to be patient with the day’s demands. The emphasis there is on the phrase “tried to be.” For anyone who knows me really well, being patient is not my strong suit. It’s not even a card in my hand, frankly. I have to fake it—every time.
Therefore, when it came time to walk the dog in the early evening, I did not want to bring my 3-year-old. It’s redundant, really, to take an 8-month-old puppy and a 3-year-old little girl for a walk. They’re one and the same in their unwillingness to listen.
The puppy lunged and the little girl lingered. I pulled back on the puppy and cajoled the little girl to come…to no avail. The world was their oyster, it seemed, and who was I to impose on their exploring?
The walk around the block took nearly an hour.
At least, it felt like that.
And inside, I was dying.
Toward the end of the expedition, when I felt myself snapping and crackling and ready to explode in a thousand different ways, (I think this was when my daughter dropped her barrette into a puddle and fished it out wearing her mitten), I tried for patience and I tried to breath.
It can be easy to forget to breath.
“Here,” I said, pulling off her wet glove. “Take my hand. Let’s go.” She slipped her little hand in mine and it was warm—incredibly warm, and soft, and just so little. And then she did something unexpected. She pressed my hand to her mouth and she kissed it.
God is trying to tell me something for all my fighting it.
He is telling me to slow down.
He is telling me to listen.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
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