An Ordinary Post by an Ordinary Gal (The First in a Series)
Warning: it is the intention of this series to deal head-on with the crippling effects of selfishness, envy and depression. If you yourself are more consistently prone to selflessness, joy and optimism, you may want to just move on.
I. Selfishness
So. Directly following the publication of my post “Ten Things I Love that Begin with the Letter ‘A’”, I thought of several other items that also fit the bill (at least in my mind). How could I have possibly forgotten to include:
–Appreciation
–Admiration
–Affirmation
–Adulation
“Ah, my little sweet pea,” saith the Lord, “but you should not desire these things excessively. Nor shall you have them on your terms but on mine.”
Woops. I forgot.
“Furthermore,” saith the Lord, “I am going to send you not the accolades you desire but rather, a little humility. This is because I love you. Can you handle it?”
“Certainly, Lord!” I said optimistically.
Well, I was wrong.
Here is a question for all you bloggers: do you ever set yourself up for disappointment by piling all of your hopes, dreams and aspirations upon a single post? How silly is that, right? Yet, there are times when I go to hit “Publish” that I say to myself, “Surely this one’s an award winner. Those comments will just pour in.”
I mean, really.
We’re human, though, and we love to be loved. That’s just the way God made us. But given our disordered nature, we often seek affection and attention in ways that are not His will.
An example would be self-promotion (read: bragging). We brag because we’re insecure and because in our heart of hearts (where is that, exactly?) we are hoping to be loved.
Well let me tell you, I am big on being loved. Do you love me? Oh, how I hope so! Because if you do then perhaps you will put up with me and the times I am embarrassingly self-promoting.
Like when I shared the detail about my illustrations for Tom Playfair. It wasn’t really relevant to much of anything, was it? But I did think it would garner me some of that devil attention that I crave.
It’s embarrassing, really.
I am becoming the Britney Spears of the blogosphere.
And, as is in the case of my Tom Playfair pronouncement, I figured this all out soon enough. The comments didn’t pour in–they trickled! (And I’m okay with that, I say in my best imitation of Stuart Smalley. But at the time, I wasn’t! See the follow-up posts in this series.)
You see, what I initially thought would be an “A ha!” moment for my colleagues (Oh my goodness! That was you? We just love Tom Playfair!) was really an “Oh, please.” I really think so. And to read the sweet comments that Jane and Jamie left was just embarrassing because I felt that I had sought them, well, not for the glory of God at all but instead, my own advancement.
There you go. I’m selfish.
And–you’re probably thinking–incredibly self-absorbed to be spending the length of this post on what was basically a gaffe.
Or you’re thinking I’m too self-conscious.
Well, guess what? The answer is D. All of the Above!
Hee. What are blogs for if not disclosure? : ) And I’m kidding, of course, because what I’m really hoping to do with all this is E. Get to the heart of the problem.
Which is the ever-warring factions of pride and humility in one’s soul.
I went to Mass right after publishing my “Ten Things” post, and as I gazed at the beautiful, life-size nativity scene at the front of the church, I thought, “And this was the birth of the King of Kings, chosen by God the Father? Humility! Oh, how I lack it!”
Do you want to know the truth behind those illustrations? Of course you do. I did them over 15 years ago, in a state of schism from the church while going to school at a schismatic college and working for a schismatic magazine (where the illustrations were originally published).
Which was all done in good faith, of course, but there you have it.
I didn’t bother to mention any of that the first time around, now did I?
No, it was really just a “Look at me!” moment.
I sometimes wonder how the people of truly substantial talent—the great artistic Masters, for example—coped with their notoriety. Did Christopher Wren go around boasting about his cathedral? What did Fra Angelico do when people bragged him up over his Annunciation?
Well. Recently I read a story about how Michelangelo overheard a group of people highly praising his Pietà. The problem is, they were giving credit to a different artist! He later snuck back and scratched his name into the bottom of the sculpture.
I like this story because it just goes to show that even the great masters dealt with vain-glory. Granted, I’m no master! Though at times my selfish delusions would have me think so.
The trouble with the sin of selfishness (as if you didn’t know that it was troublesome) is that if left unchecked and unacknowledged, it almost always leads to the sin of envy–both in your heart and your neighbor’s.
Which leads me to the Second Post in this Series.
See you tomorrow.
Margaret,
You are so sweet. You have such a beautiful heart, and that shows through in all of your posts. We all want attention and want to be loved–nothing wrong with that! My sister-in-law told me she thought that all blogs are really ego-trips (she didn’t know that I have one, so she was being honest!) Maybe–partially!–but they’re also about what you’re doing right now–trying to grow and challenge yourself to be better than you are. I DO love you, and I REALLY was impressed at your being an illustrator (still am!)
Michelangelo did worse than that! He chiseled his name across Mary’s torso! Look closely and you will see what looks like a ribbon with writing. His name! Even the great masters need the “A”s. I look forward to the second post:-)
Oh, Margaret, I do love you too. Truly. And not at all because you are a published illustrator—though that is impressive and your drawings are quite excellent (just dug out my copy of Tom)—but because you are a precious pilgrim on this journey with me and you never hesitate to share from the heart, whether you are encouraging one of us or glowing in the love of your children or being brutally honest about your own struggles. You put so beautifully into words all that I long to express from my heart. Honestly, I mean it. Thank you, my friend.
Keep doing what you do. And try not to read too much into a lack of comments. I’ve not been blogging for a while and never saw the original post. There are days when I just don’t have time to leave a comment but can’t resist taking a peek anyway and then I never get back to it. I’m sure it’s the same with others. You are loved and admired always, even when you don’t know it. 🙂
PS I know that this post was not a cheap attempt to get affirming comments (it wasn’t, was it?), but I can’t help leaving one anyway. Believe me, I feel your struggle. I live your struggle.
Margaret, you are a true gem. I look forward to your new posts daily. I am very impressed that you are an illustrator. I didn’t comment before because I don’t have the book!
Oh, Margaret – you sound so down. Please don’t be so critical of yourself. My husband saw your photo on our fridge and said “Is that Margaret? Margaret from Minnesota?” And he laughed and shook his head affectionately. Every time I post something I think is interesting or downright beg for comments I get nothing. And then I post something stupid and everyone comes out of the woodwork. I never understand it.
I’m pretty sure that all bloggers feel, at times, what you so eloquently put into words–I know I do!
I love your writing, Margaret, and I look forward to reading the next post in the series!
Margaret,
I could have written this post.
Love you!
Margaret, I don’t know about selfishness, but to post what you did certainly takes a lot of humility! As usual when I come here, I leave with so much to think about and so much to be grateful for. I’m looking forward to that second post too. 😉
Margaret, I love your post, I love your humility. It is through pride that we find our humility, isn’t it? God is making you humble through this blog. You write things that challenge us as wives, mothers and daughters in Christ. I am sure you are familiar with the prayer of humility, it helps to read that, for me, once in a while. (I should every day though) It is found in the little blue pieta prayer book. We all have pride, we all struggle with many of the same things. I try (key word, try) to imagine what Mother Teresa would have said or what she would have done.
Don’t get down if people do not leave comments, I too, do not always (ok, stop laughing) leave comments. Well…I do on your site, but not on Melissa’s or Suzanne’s, or many others that I check pretty much every day. It is really a time factor. If I do not have time to leave comments, then I am trying to fulfill my vocation as wife/mother and not blog reader/commentor. God Bless you Margaret, I look so forward to your next post!
I can relate. I have often thought of giving up blogging precisely because of the pull towards bragging and envy. (I’m a newcomer like you but I get hardly any comments, unlike you! There I go again 🙂 ).
Don’t get too het up about it. It’s a great blog.
Margaret,
Have you been reading Escriva again? 😉
He is so good for us, isn’t he?
I could have written your post, except I have NO artistic talent, whatsoever, and you do!
Lots of love and can’t wait to read the next installment in your series!!
Margaret, I think you are exactly how you are supposed to be right now… and I love your sense of humor and your blog.
Okay, first off: I am okay.
I am touched, and I’m embarrassed, but I’m okay!
And yes, Diane, (you stinker), I do like comments. We all do, always! But I HOPE that you know my heart by now–and in the case of this post (and the next two) it’s how to combat certain vices and–hopefully–avoid them.
PS. Thank you ALL for your kind words.
Margaret, I hope by now that YOU know MY heart—and my pitiful attempts at humor—enough to know that I was kidding about this being a cheap attempt to solicit comments. I honestly never thought anything of the sort—just hoped to make you smile. I should remember to leave a 🙂 after each of my “pitiful attempts at humor” because so often they are misunderstood. I do love you and I loved the honesty and humility of this post. Truly.
Margaret,
Something else to consider here. When I first read about you illustrating that book, I thought, “Wow. She cooked for Martha Stewart; she illustrated a book, she’s had articles published, etc, etc…I’ve never done anything like that…” Maybe a wee bit of envy on my part? Maybe others felt the same, too, and that’s why there were no comments? There are several Real Learnning women who are published authors; there are many others who are FABULOUS writers, artists, and very creative people (you are one); and then there are probably a bunch of us who aspire to that– like me. (I have written a little children’s book, but no luck on getting it published yet, and not much time to pursue it.) Anyway, it’s possible that a bit of envy creeps in now and then, even between friends. But that doesn’t mean you should have to hold back and not mention your accomplishments. Even if there is envy at first, true friends will return to applaud those accomplishments.
Diane: your attempts at humor are NOT pitiful! And I already know you know that I was teasing you by drawing attention to them, but I wanted to say it here again for posterity.
Jane: you are wise beyond your years and the sweetest, most honest of people. I would love to see that children’s book get published! Meanwhile, I am thanking God for you–not because you say kind things to me, mind you, but because in you I see true wisdom and true humility.
PS. And Jennifer, I just have to say that yes, I’ve been reading St. Josemaria! 🙂 That’s hilarious that you caught it!
Oh, my dear Margaret … First to the envy: you get waaaaay more comments than I do. Most people do. Dunno why, and it’s always a good exercise in humility. 🙂
You know we love you dearly. Who wouldn’t? Who couldn’t? And everyone should.
I think we’ve all been short on time lately, as we scramble to return to ordinary life in ordinary time. I’m not only behind on my commenting, I’m behind on my blog-reading, and I’m thinking of having one of those nights wherein I stay up waaaaay too late to catch up on all my online favorites … you being one of them, of course.
I love your honesty. We’re all comment hogs; you just have the decency to come out and say so. 😉
With love,
Karen
This was a truly great post and I look forward to more! Finding out that the people I visit are real people with the same problems and frustrations as me is the main reason I visit blogs. It helps me tremendously to know I am not alone! Thank you!
Ok, who is St Josemaria? And what book is it you are reading? Sounds like a great book. I love those books that make me think over my life and changes that I need to make for the better of my soul.
Margaret,
I need to go and help the kids with their schooling, but wanted to let you know that I read your blog every morning and am inspired to try to be a better mother and catholic. I would commet more often, but am still learning about this whole blog thing!! 🙂
Like I bet there is a spellcheck somewhere that would have caught the fact that I misspelled comment!:)
Dear Margaret,
I love your blog and all your adorable, insightful, clever, and above all, sincere, posts! You are obviously as lovely a person inside as your photogenic snapshots show on the outside!
That said, however, I was disappointed to read one portion of your last post. Do you honestly consider the Society of St. Pius X schismatic when the Vatican has recently and repeatly issued statements to the contrary? Of course, there is no denying their situation is irregular (and I can’t speak for the heart of any given individual), but to apply that label to the whole Society in an unqualified manner is at a minimum inaccurate…at least according to the Vatican! Ever prudent, Mater Ecclesia addresses and speaks of the Society in increasingly more moderate and charitable terms than either the liberal or conservative factions of the Church do. Wouldn’t we all do well to submit to Her lead?
In Jesus et Maria,
An affectionate and unintentional “Lurker”
J.C.: I have to know what statements have been issued from the vatican about SSPX. Please let me know, my email is: taustad9867@hotmail.com
My parents joined your group in September and it is a constant source of argument between us. An official statement from the Vatican is what we are waiting for. Hopefully the arguing will stop then.
I’m kind of late coming to this, but I couldn’t help but think as I read your post: If this is such a struggle for you, shouldn’t you just turn off your comments? I mean, especially on posts where there’s no real potential for discussion and the only kind of comment people can or should leave is “Hey you’re great!” shouldn’t you just turn off comments and avoid that temptation?
Where can I find your Tom Playfair illustrations?