In other words:
This isn’t the post I was planning to write.
I have all sorts of resources that I want to share, most of which I discussed in yesterday’s post, but then YESTERDAY unfolded and my focus shifted. I didn’t expect the day to wear me out as it did, and I certainly didn’t expect to nearly hit a woman and her children with our 15-passenger van.
You read that right. I’ll cut to the chase and just put it out there: I was driving too fast and barely stopped in time. It was the woman’s yell that caught my attention; it was her yell that shattered my distraction. I slammed on the brakes with about a foot to spare. I called out, “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” I caught my breath and took it all in.
A woman on her bicycle pulling a burly, her little girl on her little bike, peddling just ahead of her mother.
Where would I be right now if I had hit them?
I know this is all a bit dramatic. How could it not be? It shook me to the core. I turned my daughter, the only other passenger in my van, and said, “You realize I was driving recklessly?” She nodded, dazed, and I prayed out loud for that family. “Lord, please send this woman Your Spirit of peace. Calm her heart and please help her forgive me.”
And then, utterly and completely frazzled, we pulled into Walmart to order my daughter’s new glasses.
* * *
Slow down, dear friend. We must all slow down.
* * *
You’ll not be surprised, I don’t really think, to hear that I began a mental flagellation directly following my near-accident. My head and heart were overflowing with a scrolling list of all my weaknesses: my intemperance, impatience, unworthiness…my gunk.
What do you do when those negative voices grow louder?
I admit: I fed them generously. I feverishly added up comments and “likes” to find my “proof” that if I were better, I’d be acknowledged more often.
If I were better, I would be more loved.
* * *
So I guess in addition to SLOWING DOWN, I have another message and it is this: I am sorry for asking for affirmation so much. I am deeply insecure and crave constant feedback, but this is a habit I’m trying to break. Honestly, it is much easier when one doesn’t post on blogs or Facebook because we’re not tempted to seek the wrong kinds of attention…we live happily (one hopes) in the One True Presence; we live quietly so as to hear His voice; and in hearing His voice we recognize the lies.
Life is busy.
God is good.
We are so loved.