Last night, 4-year-old George was waiting on Mom for a “tuddle.”
“What’s wrong with Daddy?” my husband asked. “Why can’t you cuddle with me instead?”
“Well,” George told him matter-of-factly, “You’re not a girl and you’re not a mom.”
Therein lies the problem lately. It’s hard enough being a hormonal girl, but this business of being a girl and a mom?
That, my friend, is really taxing.
As you probably already know.
The fact that I’m prone to depression doesn’t help. The hormonal highs and lows get harder; my judgment, more clouded; and my perception of what’s real and what’s not, far more subject to external forces than normal. For example, when I said that I was done with blogging, I really meant it. The din in my head had pretty much convinced me: my words…my actions…this blog didn’t matter.
In short, I was worthless, so what’s it’s all worth?
That night, that long-ago Thursday night, I lay outside in the kids’ play fort for an hour. I lay hidden so that my husband wouldn’t find me; I lay there thinking, everything’s all wrong.
And that’s depression.
I am more or less back in my “happy place” now, but I’ve made an appointment with my doctor. I already know what she’ll tell me, I think–cut down on the sugar, cut down on the flour, and take a break from “adrenal busters” like caffeine and alcohol.
No coffee? No beer? No wine?
No way.
(Okay, I can maybe give up the beer & the wine…but I am not ready to give up my morning cuppa.)
(Nor my mid-morning pick-me-up.)
(Nor my afternoon coffee break.)
Okay, yeah, that’s a lot of caffeine.
The fact is, this motherhood path’s not easy. We all have our ways of coping, I guess, though some of us are better at coping than others.
This blog helps me cope. It does! And then it doesn’t! And then it does! And then it doesn’t!
And so it goes.
And so I go.
An angsty writer; a busy mom; a pilgrim in eager search of her God.
I've read your blog since 2008, and have "shared" your two last pregnancies. My children are all still quite young, the oldest of the 4 is only 7, but your blog has been such a comfort and encouragement to me as I maneuver through the sometimes very long and tiring days of life with young children. Thank you for your bravery in being vulnerable and transparent. I'm so glad you're blogging again!
Oh friend. I've missed you. I'm sorry you are struggling.
Praying for you.
Sometimes you need your blog, sometimes others do.
You hit the nail on the head, Jen!
Was just thinking about you this morning. I will offer up my struggles for you today, and boy are there a lot. New baby (not a struggle) and a former "youngest" who could be coping better.
Maggie….It's funny to me that I logged on to FB today specifically to check on you, and there was a blog post from you! You've been on my mind a lot. I share your struggle with depression. For me, depression wasn't enough…I had to add panic attacks to that! So, I get it when you say that everything seemed all wrong. It's the ebb and flow of life…of hormones…of all that is good/wrong with the world. You are not alone, my friend. I'm glad you are still writing. I've been reading your blog for so long…you and your family seem like just an extension of my own! Your smile (and the smiles of your family)can brighten even the darkest of my days! You are precious to God…and precious to all of us!
I have been struggling with depression for the past year. I too have hidden from my family, just laying there thinking about how nothing in my life is good. (When in reality, it is.) Thank you for writing honestly about it. I know I need to cut out the flour and sugar, but it is SO hard when that is all you crave! I am glad to see you back here, but the most important thing is to do what you need to do for yourself.
You've been in my prayers. You will continue to be. Much love and God's peace. Easy it is not, for sure.
Don't forget sleep. Sleep is so important! I hope that little guy is letting you get a good long stretch each night.
Don't be so hard on yourself (with the coffee, etc…) it is fall and the days are getting shorter and depression butts it ugly head along with any changes in schedules (school) so don't forget to add vitamin D, and get out as much as you can…We are all praying for you.
If you are on anti depressants, you may need to tweak that dose. My husband tries to go lower in the warmer months (the few we have) and go higher in the shorter day/colder months…I'm sure you know this already…
Sending my love and hugs(((((hugs))))
Been checking on the blog and praying for you – so happy to know you're on the mend from this current crisis! I've suffered from this as well as panic and anxiety myself and my heart goes out to you. It's great that you're open about this!
I too struggle, although mine is more with anxiety than depression. Last week was especially rough (we moved to a new community a month ago and last week my youngest child collapsed at school and rushed in an ambulance to a hospital). One of my friends commented on my FB post "Parenthood is not for wimps." That says it all, in my opinion! I send up prayers for you and your family!
Praying for you, friend…..You hit one outta the park with this,in that yes, motherhood is a hard road and we all cope how we can. Don't be hard on your self, please….you're amazing.
I hear you on the blogging helping….I so get that! Really good point! How many wonderful friends, too, I've made in the blogosphere…..
Be well, please hang in there and God bless, Margaret! I miss you and look fwd to reading your posts whenever you feel you can publish.
Sending prayers for you. I struggle with depression and OCD … I can relate. God love you!
You are not alone in your struggle with depression. It is so overwhelming at times – so much like a huge wave just washing over you. Thank you so much for sharing yourself. I love to read when you can write, and I pray for you (especially) when you can't. Blessings to you, Margaret.
I was trying to be okay with you not blogging anymore, but I'm so glad you're back here! We're always ready to listen, no matter what you're going through. Take care.
Your blog is always a bright spot to my day, very worthwhile. Thanks for being brave and perseverent! I understand completely about the ups and downs, what's real, what's not. Super hard. Perhaps it sounds cliche, but I think a lot of it is our age? Pre/menopausal…fun fun. Keep praying, I'm praying for you as well.
Love and prayers, dear Margaret. I totally understand about the need for blogging breaks, but I am always happy to see you when the blog is your friend. And all those lovely little smiling faces too.
So glad to hear you're feeling better! Deo Gratias! You've been in my prayers, and it's so nice to see you back.
Welcome back hugs, mama! I'm happy to see you in my inbox!
So glad to see you back to blogging! We missed you. God bless you for your honesty, especially to help those of us who need encouragement!
So glad to see you back to blogging! We missed you. God bless you for your honesty, especially to help those of us who need encouragement!
I tried to comment the other day, but I forgot my password and I was on my iPhone. Lame excuse, but I lost everything I typed and then…
Anyway, I'm praying mightily for you. I've been there with the depression, and it's so debilitating. Yes, eliminating certain foods would help, but when you can't think straight and can barely function it's nigh on impossible to do. When my mother had hit her wall, her sister basically came in and cooked her special foods to get her back to thinking straight.
Baby steps, just baby steps. Now I still drink my coffee, but I've been gradually removing the caffeine part from my coffee, because I love my cuppa joe, but need less jolt. So I'm down to 1/4 scoop decaf to 5 1/2 scoops regular.
This book might be really helpful for you, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1934712108 Rebuild from Depression.
But mainly, be gentle on yourself. Wish I could come and just be with you!
Hi Margaret, life has been so busy, I haven't checked in in a while, but I did tonight. I can totally relate to so many things you talk about, navigating the familiar littles mixed with the unfamiliar teenager phase, wow! I can also relate to the highs and low emotionally. Check out
http://www.reliv.com or contact me about how this nutritional supplement can help with mood swings, fatigue and a whole host of other medical issues.
These products are really blessing our family- our depression is better, our allergies are better, joints better. Truly a God send. just an fyi.
In Christ, Meredith B.