Prologue: I hope that my words speak to your heart somehow, because the devil has sure been working on mine. Every morning he renews his attack. He chides me about my cluttered home; he reminds me—constantly—of all my failures; and he taunts me nonstop about the many accomplishments of all my friends.
“Get behind me,” I say, and I walk away, while his words, like a clattering gong, resound.
You may have thought, when you read the title of this post, that I am happy these kids are back at school.
And I am, in a way, but not in the way you might think.
I’m not, you know, breathing a sigh of relief that they’re not hanging around the house.
I’m not booting them out the door so I can eat bonbons and watch soaps.
(On the contrary. I prefer blogs and coffee.)
And in any case, I’m certainly not happy to be losing my biggest helper to the school up the street. Cate has long been my right-hand gal—my partner in crime, as it were, when it comes to cooking & crafting & cooing over babies.
How weird to see her in a uniform!
How very…
…Dorothy.
Okay, so, the required black shoes and bobby socks are not a fashion statement I’d make.
Cate’s my sweet and sassy gal—so much like her momma that it scares me sometimes.
It’s both…frightening and consoling, you know? ; )
Ah well. It’s been good for my heart to keep her close all these years. It’s been the greatest of blessings which is why it’s so hard to see her go. I don’t want her to change! And yet—and yet—I know she has to. Give them roots then give them wings, right? I spent most of last year making peace with her leaving, and I sighed as I watched my friends homeschool through high school. I want that, too! I thought out loud, and what could they say? They understood. Meanwhile, I continued to meet some of the nicest families ever at my sons’ school, and realized that the fears in my heart are just that: fear.
And fear is certainly not from God.
I told Him: If this Your will, Lord, make it work financially. We waited to hear on financial aid and we prayed…and when the scholarships came through, my heart knew peace. It’s all good, it really is, and when it’s not, then it’s the cross.
This is our faith! This faith sustains me.
So. As of Wednesday, I have just four at home: A 5th grader, a 3rd grader, a preschooler and a baby.
(A ‘tween and three terrorists, in other words, which should keep me plenty busy.)
Busy is good!
It makes letting go a little easier.
Epilogue: And so we wait on the peace that always comes—a light in the darkness, a grace stronger than doubt. We do the many little things we mommas do—like making chocolate chip scones on the first day of school—and we hope that our children forgive us our failings. We care despite our imperfections, and we love despite our distracted heart.
Oh my goodness, how we love.
Sending hugs for your sweet mama heart. Those kids look quite content, my dear. You're doin good!!!
Hugs for you! If it's meant to be, He will make it happen and it looks like He did. God bless, friend!
OMG look at your daughter! So big I can't believe it!
I was wondering how you were doing with all this and all the other stuff going on…know I have been sending lots of Memorare up for you this week!
The kiddos are getting so big! And as it should be. They grow no matter how much we like to keep them safe and little. I think and know you planted good seeds in their hearts.
She can't be that old yet. She just can't be.
Bittersweet, that is what it is.
My Bridget will be 4 Saturday. 4!! She's my Sweetie Pie, my mama girl, she's still my baby girl. (baby girl because, I have a baby boy too)
Bittersweet, I tell you, bittersweet.
You are so much like me…We, it seems, are constantly trying to better our lives and homelives…our jobs. God knows our hearts and that is all that matters.
Love to you my friend.
(((hugs))) your children look so happy 🙂
What a lovely post…I love your words and your honest way of saying what I am feeling so much of the time.
They look happy and accomplished and YOU are doing a great job, Mama! This will be me in a year; so plan to see me back here looking for advice and crying over the keyboard to you!!
The babe is adorable; wow is he growing!
Old hairy legs is visiting me several times a day, as well. Doubts, doubts and more doubts. I am trying hard with gratitude. It's easier with small, concrete things…meals, a warm bed, but harder with a lot else. It IS easier when we're busy, but I get anxious then, too, and need to empty my mind. Asking Mary to watch over both of us and all our "babies."
Love is chocolate chip scones! Oh, they will remember, to be sure.
Be assured you're words speak to this momma's heart. Prayers as you all begin your year!
You seem to be a wonderful mother, Margaret. And your words are beautiful. They speak what is in the hearts of so many of us. Trust in God and keep doing the good that you do.
Cate loos adorable in her school uniform. And those boys……well done mom!
Beautiful post! As a mom who does homeschool thru high school I just have to say…you do what is right for your family. It doesn't mean you can't do it differently or that you shouldn't do it differently…it means that YOU do what is right for YOUR family…and when you are at peace with the decision you made, it makes all the difference 🙂
BTW: While I really do enjoy homeschooling my high schoolers, I do envy you too. I don't always have time to bake those chocolate scones or take my younger kids on more field trips. And I'm ok with that…kinda 😉
I so, so remember how hard it was to send my "right-hand daughter" off to school, to college, and to JAPAN for 4 years! I can still cry when I think about it. But you know what? She came back. (They all came back.) Just had a mother-daughter night out last night that was so wonderful. Now I imagine them going off into the world and hopefully coming back with grandchildren. I'll bet this will be in your future, too.
Sending so much love your way. I wish we had a high school here I could send our teens too. It is a blessing and you put it in God's hands. The financial aid came through! If that isn't God guiding you, what is?
Fear is such a tormenter to us moms, isn't it? I got your back, Margaret. Prayers are on their way!