I have been blessed with a spirited child.
I like calling her my “spirited” child because “spirited” is a much, much better word than some of the other words I am tempted to use.
Like naughty, high-strung, or obnoxious.
I’m kidding.
Kind of.
And anyway, if she is obnoxious then she gets it straight from me.
I love this little person with all my heart. I hope I can learn how best to parent her, and to that end I have pulled my copy of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child off the shelf and am gleaning what I can from its wisdom. Ha! Do you know, I bought this book when my oldest was a toddler—and I haven’t cracked it since then!
Until now.
My little blond sweetie is by far my strongest-willed child—which, given that all of my children are headstrong and independent—is saying a lot. The thing about having a spirited child is you find out how spirited you are not. You also see clearly—too clearly—your spiritual weaknesses. Aha! I think I know why I had her!
People tell me I’m patient. I laugh (inwardly) because they only see the “public” me. They do not see the stay-at-home me who, for example, is trying to reason with her 3-year-old—that’s right, I said “trying to reason”—because we are late for piano lessons and she refuses to wear shoes that were just fine yesterday but today are much too tight.
Or the me who angrily retorts, “Fine! Just do it yourself, then!”
Or the me who gets so frustrated that ultimately I just walk away from the problem (and, as such, the solution).
And we show up at piano lessons with a barefooted child and a frazzled mama.
Is it any wonder that so many of us moms are prone to overeating? I’ll tell you, were it not for the box of key lime Godiva truffles in my closet (Thank you, Teresa!) I do not know how I’d cope.
(Some days that is all I do, incidentally—I cope.)
Well, there are lessons for me in all this, unfortunately. I say “unfortunately” because the real-life lessons are always the hardest. I would much rather cozy up with a book and a cup of coffee and learn all this in theory.
Alas. I’m in the trenches.
And when my sharp-as-a-tack spirited daughter insists on doing it herself but get frustrated when she can’t do it by herself;
Or when she refuses to let me return any of “her” books to the library;
Or when I ask her to do something and feel my shoulders tense up as I wait for the response;
Or when she needs 100% of my attention and I feel as if I have only 25% to spare;
…I will [try to] stop, and I will listen.
She is coming into her own as a 3-year-old, after all, and God is teaching me through her.
Properly formed, this child is destined for greatness.
Improperly formed? We just won’t go there. ; )
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
I never would have believed this about you. Every time I’ve seen you with your kids you are so gracious. I’ve been trying to be more like you! (not that I’m succeeding…)
My son is my spirited child – and how funny that this exact book caught my eye on the library shelf today! I know how you feel Margaret. The last three years have been a challenge for us.
I highly recommend this book, Jennifer–especially the section on how a parent might better cope with the extra stress.
Here is another really good article.
And Paula, you can still keep trying to be like me. Just make sure it’s the public me you emulate!
Margaret, you really have a way of cutting to the chase, don’t you? I totally saw myself and my grandson in this post. You may feel you’ve a long way to go in patience. But you are light years ahead of me in humility.
Hi, Margaret. I have six kids and one of my children sounds very similar to your daughter. I also have a “strong willed” girl. The one thing that helped me TREMENDOUSLY in parenting her was learning about the four temperaments. The book, The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett(a catholic one) and also Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer ( a protestant one but can also be found in some catholic bookstores) have actually changed my life. They helped me to not only understand my daughter’s strong temperament (she’s choleric) but also understand my own and my husband and my other kids’ temperaments, too. I know much better how to deal with her now, and to not get so upset about her natural weaknesses. I hope this helps. The reading is quite fascinating and fun, in my opinion. God bless,
Gina
Oh, I SO need this book. I just reserved it at my local library. Thank you for the recommendation, Margaret. My 7 yold is extremely spirited (isn’t that a nice way of saying “difficult”) and I am rapidly approaching a dangerous level volatility 🙂
By the way, I live in MN and used to go to your parish, but the drive just got to be too much for us. Sometimes we go there for the Feast of Divine Mercy,though. I may have seen you there. God bless,
Gina
I hear ya’ and I feel all those same things. I have heard of that book and have seen it recommended, but up until NOW, I really didn’t think that “I” would need a little extra support.
I am thinking positive thoughts about the future and my little one’s potential too.
SIGH … some days are just so hard.
I’ve heard of this book before and I think it’s time I bought it. I do have one question for you. Do you find that your spirited child is more spirited in your company? This seems to be the case with me. For example, no one in my homeschool co-op believes I have a spirited child because she’s an angel in her classes with other mommies. Today I actually found myself saying, “Please listen to me. Preten I’m Mrs. So-and-So.” My little firecracker looked at me like I’d lost it. And sometimes I do. Lose it, I mean. And I hate that. She is so sweet and has so much goodness, but everything is a battle with her these days. It’s Mommy v. tiny tyrant over sleep, pooping (she once held it in for 15 days!!!!), jumping on beds, wanting to wear her Easter dress every single day…you get the picture. Then, around others, she’s the most easy-going, compliant kiddo and I feel like a loser mommy. I know it’s normal for preschoolers to butt heads with their moms somewhat, but I wasn’t sure if you’ve noticed that your spirited child tempers her spirit around others. 🙂
I definitely need a way to cope with the extra stress, so this book is a must. I never used to yell, but lately I’ve found myself doing it too often.
God bless you!
If your kid can “perform” for others, some how the message needs to be conveyed that it should be done for the parents. We parents have been given by God our own special commandment – I pull it out and use it often. And, really, we can’t reason with a three year old. Mine are older now, but I tried reasoning with mine when they were young. I’m still trying to reason with them. 🙂
It’s hard when you’re the mom as well. You know, traditionally, we are the softer and less likely to reprimand in a way that commands respect.
Every day is different, with it’s own set of ups and downs, especially when you are home schooling. Margaret, you are so graceful, even when you say you are troubled. I hope you know you’re not alone – and that many of us are praying for you as well as ourselves!
Keep your spirit up, your Spirited child will one day super suprize you in many more ways. I was “the one” in my family. I know I have done well with my life, exceeding my parents expectations. Good parenting with lots and lots of love produces that kind of result!
Ok, when will you be finished with this book, so I can borrow it?
I swear we have the same child. It’s like you are talking about my “Mary”!
She just has her own mind and in it how things should be.
When I ask her to do something, I catch myself actually chasing her, because she runs away!!! Then, I think, “how am I going to catch her? I am the mother, she needs to just listen and do it, but how will I get her to do it?”
I remember thinking 3 would be better than 2…I’m not sure that happened, but I am thinking 4 will be better than 3! But 4 is not until Sept!
I loved the part about them being so different than us, I am not spirited, so it is hard to let her be spirited.
My 3 year old, has been in dance with her sister since January and all of a sudden, she decided 2 weeks ago, she’s done, she is not going anymore. SO with the ending show on Tuesday, we have no idea if she will dance or not. Which is fine, that’s her.
That strong will will take them far in life. (so I’m told)
My spirited child is now 11! He’s not fooling any of my homeschool-mom friends anymore, though (we share way too much trying to get new ideas in forming our children and it’s good to have the support from other moms). I, too, have heard about this book many times, but haven’t read it yet.
The most helpful tool I’ve used is the learning styles assessment through Mercy Academy. I paid for it, but it was money well spent because at the time I was ready to just send him to a combination Catholic/Military Academy!! The assesment helped me take a step back and re-evaluate my teaching and how I reacted to his antics.
I thank God for good friends who help keep me grounded and for my husband who is so supportive. He works out of our home, so he sees my struggle firsthand. I am also constantly reminding myself that these traits (mmmm . . . impulsive/quick-acting, brash/bold, outspoken/leader), which are so difficult for him to control now, will be useful in his adult life!
I found my way out of reader on to your actual blog to leave a comment for the first time, saying I could have written this post about my 3yo (who is my oldest). And then I see I’m not the only one! lol. I second this comment:
I have heard of that book and have seen it recommended, but up until NOW, I really didn’t think that “I” would need a little extra support.
(btw, I found you through Cathy of Alex’s blog about a month ago and just realized yesterday that I know you! I graduated from SBH in 98)
Looks like just the book for moi!! My three yo would get along fine with her, shall we plan a courtship or do you think it’s too early for that??? Love you!
My now 17 year old was my rather spirited child…he was the child at 4 and 5 years of age that had a meltdown if his shoelace loops weren’t the same length…or when his zipper pull angled down…it had to be positioned up and checked and rechecked 5,000 times per day to make sure it hadn’t fallen…yikes, I better stop now..:) Thankfully, he has relaxed some! 🙂 You are a good mama, Margaret – hugs!
My 3yo is spirited as well. A good friend of mine, with grown children (and at least one spirited girl of her own), told me not so long ago that someday, I will be proud of her and glad she is so strong-willed. I tried graciously NOT to laugh in her face (thankfully it was an email). It’s hard to keep the end in sight when the NOW is, well, CHALLENGING. Thanks for the book recommendation! 🙂