Today is my 14th Wedding anniversary. We have a sitter and will be going out for dinner—big bucks Italian or The Olive Garden? The husband’s going to let me choose.
This scene from the Christmas Eve program at our church just made me tremble.
The past 14 years have been very good to us. Neither of us has gotten seriously sick, my husband has never lost his job, and—apart from the painful loss of our four miscarried children—we have not been asked to give a son or daughter back to God.
We have been very fortunate.
I do wonder, though, if having been so fortunate meant—for me, anyway— taking the sacrament of our marriage for granted. I had been taking us for granted, you see, and one month ago we hit bottom.
(You may remember. I wrote this post.)
Basically what happened is this: I discovered that this ship of mine is not unsinkable. There wasn’t a crewman up in the crow’s nest shouting, “Marriage iceberg! Straight ahead!” There was only my husband, looking at me with a sadness that nearly broke my heart, and saying he’d always hoped for more from us.
Wow. Talk about a wake-up call.
Well, when the ship is sinking, we must call for help, and when that “ship” is our marriage…
We must scream for it.
Many of you emailed to offer prayers and some of you even phoned me. Thank you for your prayers and your friendship! I desperately needed to be talked through my trials. One dear friend, in particular, offered me both a shoulder to cry on and a book to read…and I would not be exaggerating to say that this book changed my life.
(Mind, I’m not even a third of the way through it. It got…um…misplaced during the holiday rush and I need to start back in again. Yet, what a difference it made in that short time!)
Wait. There’s more.
Even before I received that book, I’d been reading Danielle Bean’s columns that she’s writing for the website Fathers for Good. I’d been trying—how I’ve been trying!—to take her words and her wisdom to heart. (You can read her columns here.) And while there’s little I could or should add to Danielle’s insight, I will tell you the three key things that have changed life for me us.
1. Keep your marital expectations reasonable. Stop comparing. Stop complaining. If the thought that you’re harboring doesn’t bless your union, then stop it. (I’m thinking, for example, of that toilet seat. It’s always always always up, despite my repeated requests to the contrary, and I’ve decided to let it go. Why? Because the guy is an excellent husband and father. That’s why.)
2. Do not—and I repeat, do not—treat your husband like another child. I know we know not to do this but face it, we moms are good at telling people what to do and this becomes a habit. I need to let my husband lead—and that means closing my mouth sometimes.
3. Give your man good lovin’. This one is non-negotiable—barring serious medical or financial reasons, of course—and is absolutely crucial to keeping the love alive. I have always been open to life, yes, but I have not always been open to him. For far too long I had assumed that a friendly smile and a home-cooked meal was enough. It’s not, and I will say that being available to my husband—being loving and available—has made the biggest difference of all for us.
Now then. Speaking about keeping the love alive, I’ve got a date to dress for and a restaurant to choose.
Should I vote in favor of frugal?
Nah. ☺
PS. In the end, I settled on this restaurant. It was lovely, though Baby Anthony (aka The Third Wheel) fussed the entire time.
John requested demanded an auxiliary date to make up for it.
.
Happy Anniversary dearest!
Thanks for sharing your insights. It's helpful for those of us who are also struggling with their marriages.
So where did you go for dinner?
A very happy anniversary to you and may you celebrate many, many more.
Happy Anniversary!
I totally get what you're saying. I need to let more things go too. Hubby is the only male in the house and I must say, always puts the seat down – sweetie! But he can't shut off a light, close the pantry door or turn the oven off when he gets the bread rolls out! Ok, I'm letting it go!
Happy anniversary and enjoy your night!
Cheers – Joolz
Prayers that you have a lovely anniversary!
A wonderful, happy anniversary!
Many, many more. 🙂
Happy Anniversary! Have a wonderful time! There is much that I would share with you….but suffice it to say…that #3 is a hard one! Thanks for being willing to share your struggles, Margaret! Blessings to the two of you for many, many, many more years!
What a wonderful post, Margaret! Our anniversary of 13 years was on the 27th. Your insights are always so good and so welcome! God Bless!
Happy Anniversary!
Thanks so much for sharing your insights. It's very helpful for those of us who will be entering into marriage soon.
It's great to take advice from those who have been there and know what to expect.
God bless!
What a great post! I confess, in our home, fifteen years ago we struck a bargain. I'd get rid of all my flannel pajamas and not purchase replacements, and in return the toilet seat would be placed in the down position. It was a bargain we struck, and I can not tell you how much it has meant to me that my DH cares enough to lower the lid, it makes me seek out silk as a way of saying thank you.
Happy anniversary! So glad to hear things are improving.
Happy Anniversary to you both! What a beautiful post!
Happy Anniversary, Margaret! I, too, have been blessed with a wonderful husband…for 22 years now! I just wanted to encourage you in what you have written. One of the biggest changes I had to make over the years was to learn to let the little things go…and truly, most of those little irritants that seem so very big and annoying are, in reality, little things. Both dh and I have learned to smile at each other's little peculiarities (well, most of them anyway;). Also, you have hit the nail on the head in regards to #3. Making love actually "makes love". I was guided into this understanding by a holy priest. Actually, he told me it was a sin (yup!) to deny my husband without sufficient reason…and being tired/not in the mood/etc. was NOT sufficient reason. Gulp. But, when I opened myself up to love, more love was created, in both my husband and me. I realized that my husband needed and deserved my love in all its forms, and that he shouldn't have to jump through flaming hoops like a circus dog to "gain my favor" so to speak. Truly, love begets more love. I have found that the more love I give, the more loves comes back to me.
I guess this is my very wordy way of encouraging you and saying I think you are on the right track!
God bless.
Happy Anniversary to a wonderful couple! I have not read the book, but I recently watched the movie. I agree with your #3. I just need to put it into practice.
Is Ellie doing better today?
She is, Paula, and she is also going in for a check-up, so we'll see what the vet says. Thank you for asking!
happy belated anniversary! we celebrate a piddily 5 years on friday! its nice to see others enjoying the octave of christmas in the same way!
Happy Anniversary! Thank you so much for sharing all this information. I'm going to purchase the "Love Dare" book and see if my husband and I can do it during Lent.
I've only been married three years and you have much more experience then me. But here is something that has helped our marriage lately. We have SPICE jars. Each week he picks out a SPICE from my jar and I do the same from his jar. We have that week to complete the task. At the end of the week we pick another SPICE. What is SPICE you might ask? Just little things we wrote down that our spouse can do for us to make us feel special. I have things like, "play with my hair," or "take me on a free date" or "give me a backrub" or even better "change Mary Rene's diapers all day." To me, that is spicy. Two weeks ago I got my husband to paint my toe nails! (Oh and a baby was concieved that night!)
Good luck and the best with your marriage. Keep it spicy!
Happy Anniversary!
And thanks for the extra advice. Being 5 months post partum I'm really struggling with #3 on that list. It doesn't help that cold bugs have been going around our house non-stop (at least it feels that way) for the past 2 months. Yet I know that I need to be more open to him if I want to keep our marriage strong. Again, thanks for the reminder and tips!
You changed your picture!! I like it….maybe I should take off my flowers…. Boy, I stay away from the blogs for an afternoon and miss it all, I'm already the 19th comment!
First, Happy Anniversary (a day late) and many blessings wished and prayed for you!
Second, you are soooo brave to post all this personal marriage stuff. I'm too chicken.
Oh, I'm going to have to email you separately…but on #3 you are so dead on. Remember at the Catholic homeschool conference, one of the speakers suggested we women pray "Lord, help me to desire my husband" I need to pray that one again….When I go to bed at night, after being touched by the kiddos all day and spit up on etc…I want to sleep, I don't really desire much else!
Thank you for this post. It is timely and wouln't you know,brought tears to my eyes. This,I after going to bed sobbing last night and feeling a stranger in my own bed. The infertility journey is taking it's toll and leaving my marriage relationship feeling strained at times to say the least. I think this post will be a topic of conversation in the next few days. Thank you again for your honesty and for the marital reminders!!
Happy Anniversary!!
Happy Anniversary! Glad you were able to have a meal out – even if with a fussy third wheel.
Thanks for bringing this touchy subject up as a lot of us struggle with it. Here is a link from Fr. D's recommended reading list. It is a MUST read!! It is entitled "When a Woman isn't in the Mood." by Dennis Prager. It is marriage saving.
Here is the link: http://www.hfcmn.org/Fathers%20Recommened%20Reading/When%20a%20Woman%20Isn't%20in%20the%20Mood%20by%20Dennis%20Prager.pdf.
If the link doesn't work go to http://WWW.hfcmn.org