Part III
[Read Part I here.]
[Read Part II here.]
“It has been said that if life is not on a level with thought, thought ends by descending to the level of life.”
(The Three Ages of the Interior Life, Garrigou-Lagrange)
This is the part of the story that (I hope) rises above my singular experience, because the process of carrying one’s child to term—of accepting the nine long months of gestation and the final, awesome act of giving birth—is, after all, universal.
What can I say about my experience that might be helpful to you? What lesson did I take away from it?
Answering that is the smallish goal of this post. : )
It’s true that I cried right after having Anthony, though it is not my choosing an epidural that made me cry. I wept on account of my human weakness.
I wept not because I went with the pain relief but rather, because I had been avoiding pain for the past nine months! Is it any wonder I chose the epidural?
My nine months of self-medication took the form of over-eating and under-praying. Yes, I was anxious about the uncertainty of this pregnancy—and yes, I had reason to be fearful—but rather than go to God with any consistency, I buried my fears beneath a multilayered cloak of Dove bars, Doritos, and Diet Coke.
And oh, all those episodes of 24! I joked nonstop about watching this show, but really. Was it helpful to be watching such a stressful drama on the very day I delivered? I’m just saying.
My husband tells me not to beat myself up. He says that I’m too hard on myself and in fact, many of you have said the same thing. (Are you in cahoots with my husband? Be honest.) Here’s the thing, though. I know how the nine months preceding Anthony’s birth went, and I know my prayer life was sadly lacking.
Should I not hold myself accountable?
My point in “overthinking” this thing is that I desperately want to be better. I want to be a saint and it’s neither the food nor the Netflix that’s going to get me there. These pleasures are proper in their place, I know.
I just wish I hadn’t leaned on them so excessively.
I think that if I hadn’t that maybe…
Just maybe…
I would have had sufficient grace to deliver naturally, which was my will.
Okay. Now that I’ve said all this I’m going to move on, because that’s the whole point of making mistakes. Let’s assume that I am blessed with one more pregnancy. Let’s be really optimistic, even, and assume that I’m as prayerful as I should be throughout it.
Would I choose an epidural again, or not?
I’ll tell you where my thoughts are.
The epidural was wonderful in that I was calm and quiet, focused and restful. I had none of the pain of a natural birth…
…but I had none of the adrenalin, either.
One of the things that I missed the most was the euphoria that comes at the end of a natural birth. I’m just being honest here. When Anthony was placed in my eager arms, I was happy but not overwhelmed with joy.
And I’m pretty sure I felt guilty.
But you know what? In the end I’m very glad this happened. Prior to this birth experience, I had always looked down my nose at this so-called “need” for pain medication. Again, I’m being painfully honest. I’m not proud of this lofty attitude at all—and am thankful for the many ways that our good God sees fit to humble me.
Remember: if the end result is pride, it isn’t worth it.
The end result should be love—pure love.
So that’s the lesson that I’ve taken away from Anthony’s birth story. In the end, it is a lesson of love and happily, a newborn is best at teaching this.
I love Anthony for his littleness.
And I know—as hard as it is to believe sometimes—that God loves me for mine.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Absolutely, Margaret. He loves us all. And, you know, there was no sting at your "looking down my nose" part… We all have done that with one issue or another. We all have been guilty of it. And then Whammo… God sends us that very same cross and we see a little clearer, we see the "other side"… It's amazing.
Try not to take these life lessons too hard. We all need 'em.
From one who "needs the meds" (esp with c-sections… lol)
🙂
In the end it is love, pure love. Amen, Margaret!
Someone once told me that a mother's whole day is a prayer from beginning to end. Yes Margaret, you are being way too hard on yourself. Fear does funny things to people. God knows you and loves you and already knows what is in your heart. Please remember that your life as a mother is a prayer.
my goodness, he's perfect, your little one.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your love for your children, despite the many crosses, is just so apparent.
God bless you and keep enjoying this babymoon!
Oh Margaret, Anthony looks so perfect! How absolutely wonderful to have him in your arms. Love you.
Oh, Margaret. I hear you. Even though the last 9 months might not have been what it could have been…that doesn't mean that it wasn't the way it was for a purpose.
You are right about the end, too….it's all love!
Truly though…don't worry about the epidural part…really. Anthony got here safe and sound. So you didn't have that adrenaline rush right after he was born…..my guess is he'll give you ample opportunity as the years go by for many mini heart attacks (boys will be boys)!
I think (after your pregnancy losses) that you needed the calmer, quieter and less unpredictable environment that an epidural can provide. It might not have been your first choice of experiences….but you got through it. Believe it or not, you still had a totally NATURAL birth! Everything about what your body did and what Anthony's body did was not affected in anyway…only how you "felt" as it was happening. Let go of the guilt, Margaret!
I've had 3 csections…so I didn't have the choice about an epidural…however, I felt guilt for a long time that maybe I wasn't able to have a vaginal birth because of something I did or didn't do while pregnant. Each of my birth experiences were right after a preceeding miscarriage. Having the epidural during labor (yes, I labored with all three!) was a blessing to me after those losses. At least my pain was something I could control…(yes…I have issues).
Anyway…thank you so much for sharing Anthony's birth story!
You are a remarkable person!
He is just so dang scrumptious! What a beautiful baby he is, Margaret. I want to hold him.
I understand the guilt over not praying enough or lacking discipline, but over pain meds? Never! I'm a big fan. LOL! 🙂
You did what you needed to do, when you needed to do it!! Perfect!! What a beautiful birth experience, hand-written by God himself to bring you such a sweet and perfect gift from heaven. I've had 3 epidurals and 2 natural deliveries. In November, when it is my turn to give birth, I will make a "game-day decision." Just like you!! I hope and pray that this pregnancy chapter in my life will end just as beautifully as yours did!
Congratulations again!
Amen and ditto to Sara in South Dakota's first 4 lines of her comment.
You probably bounced back from the birth better by having the epidural. You must remember that you are older this time around and so what if you ate doritos, diet coke and chocolate galore – your body knew what it needed.
And I reckon if you go back over every post since you found out you were pregnant, you will count quite a few prayers said for you for when you weren't praying quite enough (to your mind, anyhow). This blog is a testament to your faith and beautiful and strong it is.
Now go hug that little cutie and the other 5 little monkeys!
Cheers – Joolz
Oh, Margaret
I know you don't know me but I wanted to send you a big hug and join in with everyone in saying not to worry about the epidural and the doritos and all those other things. Being open to life after all your dear babies in heaven was a big sacrifice and a constant prayer more than almost anyone is called too. We can all do more. We all have to start in each day fresh. Put the past behind you now and enjoy and thank the Dear Lord for your little one. Maybe confession would be helpful too for you to put it behind you.
I finally sat down to read all 3 parts. What a beautiful birth story! My wise mum comforted me when my first was a C Sect after HOURS of labor that some babies just know how they want to come out. You're right– they teach us. I've had the last minute Csect, a VBac with Epidural, VBac-emergency-almost-Cset, a true emergency CSect and then 3 planned CSEct's – besides my 2 miscarraiges. Its just how I deliver– with drama!
I'm glad to hear some like Anthony bring some peace.
let's remember that grace is not earned by numbers of prayers we say. the grace you were given on "game-day" was exactly the amount of grace you were supposed to receive according to His will for you. It was just a different grace than you were accustomed to. It was the grace to be humble and like our Lord, to accept your Simon (the epidural) to help you carry your cross. I think that we tend to make this whole birthing thing into a black and white issue: natural vs. unnatural. But there are so many shades of grey and so many graces abundant in every single birth experience no matter what it looks like.
You are blessed. Focus on that. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus in Anthony and know you are blessed.
Pray prayers of protection over your thoughts as I believe you are being attacked. Do not allow the Evil One to poison your joy or your contentment with these outrageous lies.
{{{hugs}}}
oh, and by the way, he is the cutest little guy! love all that dark hair!!!
Anthony is such a beautiful baby, Margaret. Yes, the little ones can teach us so much, no?
Margaret-how beautifully written. As someone who has an epidural every time, there was no sting from your honesty. At these moments of delivery, we each are doing the best we possibly can making the best choices we possibly can!
I say that to Penny all the time: I love you for being little.
And I spent the wee hours of the morning, after some powerful thunderstorms, just snuzzling my little Tommy in bed. He was sleepy, but he's always up for some lovin'. 🙂
I haven't the time to read the comments right now, so not sure if someone else has said this already.
Do you think maybe you were afraid to be close to God because you didn't want to know His answer of a healthy baby, of the baby living? I know sometimes that is the weakness, the hard part about praying, maybe being confronted with what we don't want to know.
Gotta run, but I love your honesty and love this well thought out post, very beautiful!
Margaret,
Your baby is beautiful and I echo the other comments. Go easy on yourself with regards to the pain meds; what if you'd prayed your whole way through the pregnancy like a trooper and then had to have an epidural for reasons beyond your control?
Hold that baby and pray while you're holding him! You're very blessed!
I don't know, I cannot speak for you, but it "seems" to me you may also really be grieving the loss of the 4 babies who passed away….I agree with your husband. Don't be so hard on yourself ;-). As tremendous a blessing that Anthony is, there is still present with you the loss of the babies that went to heaven before him. Let yourself grieve their loss still too. That is what I mean by don't be so hard on yourself. To be fair, you must still grieve for them, even in this Babymoon. And all the anxiety you were feeling this pregnancy was so natural. The epi may have really helped you actually to have peace and deal with the emotions and the letting go of the past and all the stress and the anxiety that you had before Anthony's birth. I know it's difficult because you want to feel just joy and happiness and the "adrenalin" rush. But still present with you is sorrow from your other losses. It's good and healthy to be present to that too! Enjoy that baby! He is a beauty! mcm
What a precious little guy! Those early weeks of constant snugs with the babe are the best days of motherhood, I think! I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying him.
I'd encourage you stop looking backward to circumstances and moments that you cannot change, and enjoy the wonderful "now" that God is giving you. Snug, nurse, rest, cherish! Repeat!! Don't allow S***n to spoil your joy by giving into temptations of guilt. God wants you to experience only love and joy with the precious gift He gave you!!
You did a wonderful job and you have 8 pounds of perfection in your arms to prove it! Aren't you curious to see if he grows up to have a penchant for Cool Ranch Doritos because the great infusions of Cool Ranch and corn he received in the womb? 🙂
The end result should be love—pure love.
Yes, exactly. Thank you for your honesty.
I too wanted to do the no pain med delivery. But then I decided that it was God's grace that led someone to discover the epidural. Plus, I had been up over 24 hours before I had it and was in labor another 8 before I delivered. There was no way I could have done it with out an epidural given that I was too exhausted to push and needed help delivering anyway that it would have been too painful without help.
I know you had a difficult time through pregnancy after having so many miscarriages – I'm sure you offered it up to God. The most important thing is that you have a healthy baby.
wow. This last installment went a way I wasn't expecting, and really made me think. Thank you, again, for your honesty Margaret.
Keep these "that made me think" posts coming!!
Oh choosing an epidural is really brave – afterall, the thought of the possibility leaking enough spinal fluid to cause my brain to knock around my hard head without the benefit of a cushion freaks me out!!
Seriously, congratulations! Anthony is gorgeous 🙂 Happy babymoon!
Beautiful, thoughtful post, Margaret. I thank you!!
I finally got to read all three parts. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love your honesty. Anthony is beautiful and I am so glad that you are enjoying him. Ditto on not being so hard on yourself. The devil would love for us to fall in despair over not meeting our expectations of ourselves. God knows what is in our hearts and what our intentions
are. By the way, —so glad Anthony gave you a little kick on the way to the hospital. Blessings to you and your family and thanks for your blog. Cheri
Oh my goodness… those last two lines made me cry!!!!
"Daily, I begin again." ~ St. Josemarie Escriva I remind myself even saints had to starts each day anew! Thank goodness, there is hope for me yet!
Kathi
Thank you for being so honest. I can relate to so much of what you write about and check in almost everyday just to read your honesty, get a little chuckle and ultimately not feel so alone. I'm 13 weeks pregnant and just a pile today, well a while to be honest; just can't seem to keep it in the up and boy can I relate to the dry prayer life; seems like I'm running on autopilot. I so love having children for the Lord but so hate the fears, doubts, and all that goes with it. Pure love is why I do it and will continue to do it. May God bless you and your beautiful family.
I enjoy popping in and reading your blog, just read Anthony's birth story – neat story, pretty "deep" I do not know if I could have come to those conclusions! I see where your coming from when I read it though! What a precious babe and that was the prettiest "mamma & babe on mamma's chest after birth hospital pic" on your side of the Mississip! You look fabulous! I cringe when I look at mine! ha, ha
Also, I "tagged" you. Do not feel obligated – your busy and sometimes those get "old". You can look at my blog to see what it is if you want. Otherwise No biggy if you do not feel like doing this!
"In the end, it is a lesson of love and happily, a newborn is best at teaching this."
*********
Oh, this sums it all up so beautifully, Margaret. God leads us as we need to be led, and He so often does it through our children, doesn't He?
Your sweet Anthony is bringing back so many memories of my own miracle births (and birth stories … two day labors, c-sections, epidurals, including an epidural that almost didn't take before a c-section, yikes! :-))
Give that sweet baby a kiss and hug of gratitude for me, will you? 🙂
Very respectfully let me say…it would not make you a better wife or a better mother to go without an epidural. It would simply make you a woman exhausted at the moment her son was placed in her arms.
Here is a whopping dose of reality…we were all wise and held all the the answers before we confronted reality.
Do you remember the movie "Cheapier by the dozen" with ? I love one of the last lines in the movie, when his wife is writing "Twelve is still our number……when we began we had a bunch of theories and no kids… now we have a bunch of kids, but no theories." Or something along those lines. The point being, it's time to let go of the guilt or else your going to have a loooooooong eighteen years ahead of you. Before our oldest son arrived (with an epidural twenty-two years ago…I was BRILLANT!) but what I have realized over the twenty-two years since his birth and with the subsequent arrival of each of his siblings is…every pregnancy is different, every child is unique, NO ONE knows either your body or your child better than you do, parenting is the most humbling experience you will ever have….and I wouldn't want to miss a single moment of the adventure!
Our youngest chid is now four years old. I listen to the other Moms at her pre-school and I find myself smiling. They sound just like I and the moms I started down this road with sounded all those years ago. And while sometimes I want to reach out and say…Dear- don't worry about the (choose one-epidural, soda pop her babysitter let her drink, the moment last night when you became irritable when after three hours the child still wasn't asleep, the lack of veggies in her diet at the moment, the mess in the playroom, the dishes in the sink) imagine yourself looking at your child's life through heaven's eyes and know in the timeline that is his time in your home…this moment will be just a tiny blip…I don't say it…because they would glare at me and mutter about the old bat…but, it would be the truth. That is the advantage of being the older mother of the child in the class. I can say with the authority of having already traveled the path…don't beat yourself up, it won't matter down the road.
margaret, I can't find any wise words, I am not at all eloquent like you and so many of these ladies. I'll say I had a similar experience with this last birth and very similar feelings. I understand.
Margaret, after a series of miscarriages, do you not think that perhaps your failing to be overwhelmed with love at the moment of Anthony's birth might have been the result of a certain inner detachment one acquires after suffering such losses? I had my Adrian after a miscarriage, and I have to say that it took me longer to bond with him than with my others. After miscarrying, one never takes it for granted that pregnancy will end with a baby in one's arms.
I have had 4 home births, and I am hoping for another some time next month. But if there are complications, if my midwife won't do it, I will submit to whatever will produce a healthy baby and mommy. Pain medication wouldn't be the issue. Having pain to offer up isn't the point of birth after all. Life brings us plenty of other opportunities for that.
My prayer life hasn't been too good either. Aridity, tiredness, an inability to concentrate on any reading…I take it to confession and I offer up my weakness. I can only meet God halfway, I can't rise up to Him on my own strength, and in my times of weakness I have to wait for His help. If He doesn't offer it, I need to focus on my need for Him and be humble about it.
Don't beat yourself up. The World is standing in line to do it for you. God bless you, and forgive me for being such a long-wind!
I get it. Thank you for sharing.
He is just precious!
Hi,
Here's a belated comment for you, since I just came across these posts of yours.
Because you're getting a lot of "Don't be too hard on yourself", I want to share some of my own experiences that resonated with yours.
I had epidurals with my first three babies. I thought to myself, why would I want to deal with the pain? There's no *point* to it, right? Especially with my first (who was induced), the pain of contractions was so bad I thought I could not take any more. The epidural was a great relief.
Some complications happened with that first birth; years later I wondered how much they were due to having an epidural. But I had epidurals with next two, without complications.
And yet, for all that I tried to listen to the people who said that I did the right thing, that I should feel ok with my choice, that I shouldn't be hard on myself, I never quite could feel at peace about any of those three epidurals, and I didn't know why. There was always a little nagging feeling, like guilt. Easily pushed away and not thought of, but it came back anytime I thought about the epidurals.
With my fourth pregnancy, I had been learning to hear God's voice a little better. I agonized for weeks over the decision of whether to have an epidural or not, repeatedly asking God what he wanted me to do. Finally, I did that thing where I turned to the Bible and opened it randomly. (Which works surprisingly often for me). The page had references to suffering with Christ and that bit about "all creation groaning with the pangs of childbirth". I knew God was telling me to do it without an epidural. And once I resolved that, I was flooded with peace, the peace that I had been missing with the earlier decisions to have epidurals, the peace that I had been missing while agonizing over what I should do this time. (Mind you, I was still a little scared and nervous… but there was deep peace underneath that). When the time came, I didn't have an epidural, and the birth went great. I wouldn't say I had an adrenaline feeling of joy, (any more than the other times, at least), but it was much more interesting. Most importantly, I *know* it was right, and there is no nagging doubt as there was with the epidurals.
So I guess my point is that I would encourage you to listen to your heart, whatever it may be saying. God bless.