Part II
[Read Part I here.]
There was something about that little room that made me feel claustrophobic. Seriously, John was wedged in a corner chair, watching 24 on his laptop. (You see a pattern here?) The nurse was in a different corner, entering data into the computer and asking me question after question after question after question.
She apologized more than once for putting me through this.
And then asked me what was sure to be the most memorable question of the night: “Do you have reason to believe you’re pregnant?”
[I’m serious. Don’t you just love hospital bureaucracy?]
Meanwhile, the contractions were becoming more and more intense. They ripped their way across my midsection—no worse than they’d been in the past, really, nor any different—but for some reason, mentally, they were harder on me than they’d ever been.
I had changed since my last labor and delivery. That much was clear.
I asked the nurse to do an internal, thinking that I didn’t have much longer to go. “You’re at a three,” she informed me, “A squishy three.”
I’m at a three? Only three?! Certainly that pronouncement did nothing for my morale. At that point, I felt like I had reached the 24-mile mark in a marathon, only to be told that they were adding another ten.
Emotionally I was fading fast.
Medically, I was ready to switch parties.
“I think I’d like an epidural,” I murmured quietly to my husband.
He glanced up in surprise, which made me falter.
“Is that okay?” I asked him.
“If that’s what you want to do,” he said. “That’s fine.”
It wasn’t what I wanted to do and it wasn’t what I had planned to do upon my arrival at the hospital. In fact, I’d had this blog post all planned out: “In the end I didn’t go with an epidural…” I was going to say to you. I had it planned in advance to deliver naturally!
Somehow I summoned the courage to tell Kristi the nurse I’d changed my mind. “May I still have that epidural?” I asked—hesitatingly, like I was requesting front row seats at a sold-out concert.
“No problem!” she responded cheerfully. “I had one with all three of my children. You’re going to love it.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. Still, I found myself watching the clock and waiting waiting waiting for the anesthesiologist. By the time he arrived—a handsome young man in scrubs bearing a box o’ epidural—I could wholeheartedly relate to Barbara’s comment. Apart from her newborn, she informed me matter-of-factly, it was the anesthesiologist’s face she was the happiest to see.
His name was “Beau” and at that moment, I assure you, I was more than ready to make him mine.
“Are you good?” I blurted. (Clearly I was still nervous.)
“I hope so,” he replied.
I was directed to sit on the edge of the bed and curl over into a “c” shape. He carefully exposed my broad, bare backside—how utterly humbling—and swabbed the area with antiseptic. He numbed the region with a shot of some sort…
…and in the epidural went.
From that point on, my labor was….
…..bliss.
Gone was the pain. Gone was the fear. Gone was the claustrophobia.
My doctor, the nurse and I conversed pleasantly as they went about their business. Kristi broke my bag of waters and observed the consequent gush—and gush. “You were retaining some serious fluid!” my doctor exclaimed.
Ya think? This is what my feet had looked like.
“Are you ready to push?” she asked me.
I was, and Anthony was born minutes later.
You will think, perhaps, having read this part of the story, that I’m now in favor of epidurals. You forget, perhaps, that I tend to overthink things.
And you couldn’t know how I wept after having Anthony.
To be continued.
Hi Margaret
I am really enjoying your birth story. I remember after the birth of my fourth sitting on the delivery table and watching my ankles return to a normal size.
Congratuations on the birth of Anthony. I have been praying for you throughout your pregnancy.
Lesley
That's the sweetest first picture that I've ever seen.
So happy for you.
You look radiant! It's a beautiful story. I'm amazed at the question that she asked. My niece works there, and Eric wanted to know if she was the one asking, as it is so similar to other things she has done in the past. It wasn't her, thankfully.
Oh, will you please pray for Ellie's parents? They've been missing since Wednesday…
I am LOVING this story, and that picture is beautiful! Truly, I have read you for a while, and I have tears in my eyes over all of this!
THAT is one of the most gorgeous photos I've ever seen.
Your pre-shoot L&D makeup artist was covered by insurance, right?
Having it both ways, I can tell you I will choose the epidural EVERY TIME!
I had to laugh about your hubby watching 24 on the laptop. We watched a whole season of House during our hospital stay and the week following. 😉
Congratulations Margaret! Anthony is beautiful and so are you. Never feel badly about an epi because it's not a competition about who is better at delivering a baby. It's just another option. That said, I did 2 with and 2 w/o and after the last w/o I was too scared to ever go w/o again.
Jennifer
What a beautiful picture. Thank you for your stunning honesty about your pregnancy and delivery. It's a gift of humility and knowing oneself. It is interesting too, how experience changes our deliveries. Congratulations on Anthony's arrival to you and your family.
I hope you aren't regretting your decision. We all go in with different circumstances. With my first, there is no way I could have done it naturally. Even in hindsight, hating the epidural, I know that I was physically and emotionally not up for it. Stop being so hard on yourself Margaret. And I love the photo and the story and you. 🙂
A healthy delivery is the most important goal. Happy, bliss-filled memories are a bonus. You got both, babe! (Guilt is definitely not a goal! Drop the guilt.)
Your new little one is beautiful, as are you! I am so glad to hear that mommy and baby are healthy! I really enjoy reading your blog and hearing all the stories about your lovely family. Congratulations to you and your husband on your lovely children and your latest new little one!
I can't wait to hear your epidural thoughts, I'm facing that decision myself here any day and have always gone natural but for some reason feel like I might "need" the extra relief this time around!
I love this story – so beautiful! And just so you know, I'd ALWAYS get an epidural if I had babies the biological way.
I've never understood why women get so worked up about natural vs. epi, and understand even less why some see one way as a sign of a "better" or "more selfless" mother. That seems prideful to me. It is more humble to do and accept what God wants for you at the moment, and sometimes that involves accepting medication when needed.
Oh Margaret…don't sweat the epidural. God gave us science for a reason..and medicine is one of the outcrops of that gift of intellect. Be happy it could provide a calm less painful experience thus leading to a calmer mama. And look, LOOK how beautiful you look (ok, Anthony too)…my goodness…now that's something the rest of us can cry over in jealousy (but that would be wrong…ack!). Enjoy your sweet beautiful son. ( I had 3 c-sections, even tho each and every time I hoped and "plannned' for a standard delivery…but that wasn't to be. Instead of that I got 3 beautiful healthy babes, w/out the trauma they might have gone through w/ the dangers that came w/ their particular pregnancies). M
I love that picture.
Like you I tend to over think things. But all decisions about how my deliveries were going to go were taken out of my hands. I hated having c-sections and if it were up to me would have gone natural all the way. But that's just not what happened. My philosophy (that I'm really trying to remember now that I'm heading into the home stretch, and believe me it's a daily struggle.) is that delivery is like flying an airplane. Pilots say any landing you walk away from is a good one. Any delivery that ends up with mom walking away carrying a baby is a good one. You do what you have to do to get that baby here. And don't second guess yourself and don't feel guilty. (Says the queen of wondering if I could have done something, anything to have changed the outcome of my previous deliveries and had them naturally; but do as I say not as I do.)
You are such a beautiful woman. God bless you.
So glad it went well. What a beautiful mama and baby. Great story!
I love this picture. Pure bliss is just oozing from your face.
This part of your birth story has me sitting here just saying "Awwwwww" and hoping for such a lovely moment for myself next month.
You look so peaceful and beautiful. I'm on the edge of my seat for the next installment. Thank you for sharing your story! It certainly is a beautiful one.
What Kristen said. Oh, so much what Kristen said….read it again please.
And your picture – just gorgeous! And the picture with the puffy feet….at least you had beautiful toenails, girl!!
You look so beautiful!
Um – most beautiful woman after (except likely Mother Mary) right AFTER birthing. How'd ya do that? 😉 Oddly, my feet swelled to HUGE proportions after my last birth.
😀
That is a BEAUTIFUL picture, Margaret. I went back and forth in my mind about the epidural during my last labor too. I was SO fearful because I had serious complications after baby #4. I asked for it and of course, it didn't come in time. I pretty much freaked out in my mind and then twenty minutes later, baby #5 was in my arms. Your picture brings back that happy memory.
You are, seriously, the most gorgeous mom I have seen immediately post-delivery. And I've seen a few.
Other than that–what a beautiful picture. Mmm.
I know it is repedative … but I love that photo of you and sweet baby Anthony. Thanks for sharing your story.
Healthy mom, healthy baby. All is well that ends well.
Just beautiful!! I cried reading it. I wanted to say something though. I can't remember who I was listening to or where exactly I heard it, but your experience reminded me of a talk I heard (somewhere, by someone) about pain and suffering. They started in the context of the crucifixion. How Christ endured pain that was familiar to MANY other people in that time as it was a common way to carry forth the death penalty. So the arguement could be made that it (his pain) was nothing out of the ordinary. Other people had done it. But what that doesn't take into effect is the suffering he endured in addition to his pain. He bore the suffering of the sins of us all. His pain may have been more common but when you added his suffering to it, it became more than any mere human could possibly bear.
When you look at your need for an epidural it is wise to look less at your pain level and more at what you have endured over the past couple of years. Your suffering has been great and that changes things. It changes the perception of pain. It changes the pain.
It's something I try to remember myself in other circumstances with other people.
God Bless you and your beautiful family!!
Peace.
I have NEVER SEEN a more beautiful photo!! God bless you all!
(And I never knew you used pseudonyms for your kids!)
that's one of the most peaceful photos I've ever seen.
Congratulations to you, and good for you for allowing yourself to change your mind.
I completely understand what you're saying. I've been there and done that. Why do we moms do this to ourselves? We put such high expectations on ourselves? Try to be at peace and focus on the fact that you and the baby are safe and healthy. That's what I try to do. It's not easy, I know. May God bless you and your beautiful little one!
Oh, and you are the most beautiful postpartum mommy I have seen…just after delivery? Amazing!
My most memorable question with baby #8: "Do you plan to keep this child?" I was taken aback and shocked with horror at the thought that she was suggesting we abort. My husband was more with it and knew she was suggesting adoption. He was also more quick whited and said, "Yes, but is that an option for our other children? We have some teenagers who are a bit challenging and we didn't know you could give them back!" Congratulations! ~ Kathi
You're very right about how a mindset going in can affect how you are able to handle things. So much of what you've talked about in this series I see within myself: the over medicating with food and distractions and being scared going into labor. ((hugs))