Danielle’s post “Being open to life. Again.” has struck a chord with many women. Again.
I am chiming in with my two cents and 5 kids’ worth of wisdom, because I definitely have opinions on this subject. I believe that being open to life means so much more than having as many babies as God sends. In my case, it also means being ready to accept God’s Will when He decides to stop sending them.
The following is a column of mine that ran in the July/Aug 2007 issue* of Family Foundations, which is wonderful magazine put out by The Couple to Couple League. To support CCL and receive this publication, visit their website.
Her Experience
I am the mother of five children (and two in heaven). If you do not yet have children (but want to) or are the parent of just one (Goodness, I think I can remember that), run—do not walk—from this column! You don’t want to know the truth.I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Come back!
Because the truth is: being a parent of five is great. Absolutely great.
And busy.
And just a little bit insane.
It’s funny. When I was in college I always told people that I wanted a dozen children. The look of shock I received from classmates was very satisfying, (a bee placed in their bonnets by the lone outspoken Catholic), but what I said was true. I did want to have a dozen children! And I told my husband-to-be so…
…on our very first date.
He was brave enough to ask me out again, which was a sign for me that we were meant to be.
So far we have “only” been blessed with five. Having given my fertility to God, I am happy and firmly believe this is the life that’s right for us.
Still, I often try to assert my will over that of the Father. “Five is a good fit for us, Lord,” I say, “although don’t You think another child would be nice?”
Because I’m so not ready to be finished.
You see, we’re planted “in between.” To the world, we have far too many. Yet, at the same time, I feel we fall short of the truly large Catholic families I know and look up to.
Still, when people see us in public (and if you’re the parent of multiple children, you know what’s coming), they usually say one of three things:
“Are these all yours?”
“You must be busy.”
“You’ve sure got your hands full!”
The short response to all these questions is “Yes.”
The longer answer is as follows.
“Are these all yours?”
When I am in a playful mood, I respond with, “No, I saw them on the street and they were just so cute that I adopted them.”
I know that this question comes from sincere perplexity. People just don’t understand how it’s possible to have this many kids and survive. The trend today is having two or three kids and then stopping. Our decision to have “so many” children is off-putting because children are considered to be an expensive venture, and because they’re viewed more as a chore than a blessing.
It’s true that the cost of living can increase exponentially with every child, but it doesn’t have to. One of the first things we had to do as parents of several children is budget. (Word to the wise: 5 Dilly Bars from Dairy Queen are cheaper than 5 Blizzards!) In general, we have had to focus more on the children themselves than on the things that surround them. A trip to Disneyland is not in our future; instead, we pack up the tent and hit the campground.
And for us, that’s just as fun.
“You must be busy”
Is busy-ness a bad thing? Are they implying that it’s better to be lazy? (I’m smiling as I write that.) We are busy, but I can honestly say that five children are easier than two, for several reasons. You’ve got to cook and do laundry anyway. The perk is that now the older kids watch the younger ones! And it’s not (usually) a punishment to do so.
We rely on our children for more than free babysitting, however. Guests in our home are often surprised to see our three oldest (including our 6-year-old) clear and do the dishes after supper. For all my husband’s wisecracks about “slave labor,” we do put the kids to work and we don’t feel guilty. The more we put our children to use the more they feel, well, useful. They are contributing members of this family, on their way to being contributing members of society.
“You’ve sure got your hands full!”
My favorite response to this comment is to wiggle the five fingers of one hand and say, “Actually, only one.” Even as I say I am the mother of five, though, I am thinking of my two in heaven. These children were lost to miscarriage, and love them as if they were born. As hard as their loss has been, through it all my children are learning a love for life and an empathy for one another that is invaluable.
To many, five seems like a lot, I know. To me, it’s all that I know. What can I say that you don’t already suspect? Yes, my life is busy and I love it. My home is like a happy little pond and my children, the ripples within it. It’s my hope that if they are loud at home, they will also be loud in their Catholic beliefs when they leave here.
Were I to offer any real and lasting advice, it would be this: trust in what God’s giving you. I assumed, going into my marriage, that we’d have at least a half a dozen. Well, we’ve been sent seven so far but two were called home before we got to enjoy them.
God knows what He’s doing, of course.
He always does.
A handful of children? Certainly. But also a heart that’s full of love.
*Karen and Christi also had columns in this issue. (I felt so proud to be “between” them.) To read Christi’s thoughts on being a mother to twelve, click here.
*Updated to add: Karen has posted her column as well!
thanks for reposting this on your blog. We are a CCL teaching couple
and thought we would have more than 5 as well. I have very severe health issues that necessitate that for now at least we postpone. I am filled with incredible sorrow that my “baby” will be 3 in February. It hurts to have moms of many say I need to “just be open to God’s Will” as if it is NOT God’s Will what we are doing right now by abstaining. We feel confident by much Catholic Medical counsel and spiritual direction that postponing is what God calls of us for now. It would take many expensive drugs, and a hospital stay of months to bring another new life into the world, among other issues. I fall in between the category of “too big” by worldly standards, but “too little” by many Catholic homeschool standards. It is a lonely place, and the biological clock is ticking. I take comfort knowing that I really AM a mother of 9, and that I have Saints in Heaven encouraging me along.
thanks for listening! and sharing your writings!
Lisa
+JMJ+
Dear Margaret,
When asked about five children my husband replies that we are only doing our part to help out the social security system. He gets a laugh and makes a point.
Kate
Mom to five here on earth and two in heaven
Thanks for the post Margaret. Funny how just yesterday I was getting rid of a bunch of maternity and baby clothes (but not all – just in case!) and feeling wistful and graceful.
Do you struggle with “why”? Why doesn’t God give me more babies? Am I not a good enough Mom? Am I not praying hard enough? The idea that I’ll only have 3 children fills me with such sorrow, I can’t imagine that that is what God wants for my life, but what can I do?
i would have loved another couple always wanting a dozen..but with my 2 miscarriages i reckon we got our 12!
Anonymous – I definitely don’t think it’s a punishment from God or a sign that you’re a bad mom. Suffering of any sort is a mysterious and difficult thing to understand. But think of Job who was blameless before God, but was allowed to be tested through great difficulties!
For me, it’s perhaps easier to be grateful than for some as I have many friends and family who were never able to have children and perhaps eventually adopted one or two (that can be very expensive!).
I believe that if you offer that longing up to God He will have an answer for that longing in His own good time. Perhaps He has something special in mind for you – adoption, some task that needs to be done – He knows best and it does take a lot of faith. It’s interesting too that a number of couples I know who weren’t able to have children ended up doing great things like founding schools or doing other special ministries.
Yes, Anonymous, I have struggled with the “why”, as well as everything else that you’ve described. (Just ask my husband! He gets it full-bore when I’m feeling downcast.)
Believing that our life is as God wills it takes faith, like Alicia (Love2Learn Mom) said. We need faith to accept any type of suffering, in my opinion.
I hope this helps. Certainly I could write a whole blog post about this issue, and probably will, but for now I pray that you can be at peace.
5 is busy and YES, sometimes INSANE. I love my family of 7 with the dog (and 2 in heaven).
When things are nutty, my husband jokes that we have 72 children. I remind him that there are a few less and that someday he will cherish those big family gatherings. Life will still be exciting (and noisy) when we are old.
Great read …
I struggle with this – giving it to God, that is. We have “only” been blessed with two living children and one in heaven and I often feel guilt and shame when I compare myself to the large Catholic families I long to emulate.
I also can’t stand it when perfect strangers say to me: oh, one of each…the ‘perfect family’… AGH!!!! I want to scream at them: “When you say that to me you are basically stabbing me in the womb – the very empty, very sad, very lifeless womb that yearns to be full. You have no idea how much I want a quiver-full of little ones tagging on my apron strings or toddling alongside the cart. You have no idea that I have always envisioned for myself a large family of AT LEAST 6 children if not more, and that this reality is so painfully harsh, so foreign to my senses and while I know it’s all I have ever known, it just feels wrong in every way. So when you say I have the perfect family, I recoil in utter disgust and sorrow.!!!!
THAT is what I want to scream. And then I want to just cry. And those tears, well they do come once in a while.
Like the two anonymous commenters, I weep with the bitter sorrow of Sarai at the thought that my baby is almost 4 years old. This is not what I wanted or felt called to.
Hmmm, guess I need to go to prayer since this comment proves that I am in the midst of a valley of tears about this…. thank God that their are peaks in between each valley!
Oh my gosh! That would be – “wistful and GRATEFUL” and certainly NOT graceful! LOL
Well, I’d call you graceful anyway, Love2Learn. 😉
Thanks, Margaret, for the link, and I’m so glad you posted this essay, which was wonderful.
And, Anonymous, as a mom of three with many in heaven, I understand your “whys” … I’ll pray for you as you strive to be at peace with His will.
And, you never know when He’ll surprise you. My “Ramona” was born when I was 42! 😀
Yeah…. I posted about this too 🙂
Beautifully written. Just last night I was talking with my husband about the “how many are you going to have” questions he gets at work. It is usually followed by some kind of *disgusted groan* “I could never do it – I could barely handle two” comment, which lead him to think that many people view children as “necessary burdens”. Sure, you have kids. That’s part of life, but they are a financial and emotional drain. How blessed we are to recognize children as God’s precious gifts, no matter how many, or how few, he sends!
Beautiful post, Margaret! We have three living and two in Heaven – I’ve often asked God, “Why – Why, just three?” He has a reason, I’m sure of that and with time He’s given me peace to just be.
I was glad to see it struck a chord with many women.
Sometimes when I read these NFP/”what does being open to life MEAN?” threads though, I wish I could read something on the same topic written by that many men.
I bet the voices of husbands and fathers make it sound quite a bit different.
May I please ask for prayers? My name is Maria, I’m 41, and recently married (6/16/07). My husband and I want children very much. However we haven’t been able to concieve yet. I had an issue with ovarian cysts. On Feb. 12th 2008 I had surgery to get rid of them. On that day the doctor told me I had severe endometriosis, massive adhesians (which is why they had to do the stomach opening surgery), and the two cysts were endometriomas. I was devastated. I never knew I had endomtriosis. I am especially devastated about being told I could be infertile.
I know I am blessed to have such a wonderful Catholic husband. He would make such a great Dad. I feel bad that I might not be able to give him children.
I have a devotion to the Blessed Mother and the Rosary. I pray the Rosary every day especially when I’m feeling down about my recent diagnosis.
I’d LOVE to hear from other Catholic ladies. Maybe you could pray for me and send an encouraging word or two?
prayrosary4life@aol.com
May God Bless you.
Maria 🙂