Or, how that deck of cards was stacked against me
Did you have a good Mother’s Day?
I did…and then I didn’t.
And then I did…and then I didn’t.
Mother’s Day is such a tough one! It’s all about us, allegedly, and so when it’s not (all about all us, that is) we tend to pout and/or cry and/or be disappointed.
I do, anyway.
At least, I did yesterday.
My poor family! That’ s a lot of pressure for a single day.
The day itself started out perfectly grand. I was greeted with a chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!” and several sweet (albeit juicy) smooches.
The day took a turn for the “not so grand” when I stormed out the door on account of bickering kids. Give me anything but bickering kids! And on Mother’s Day, to boot! Did they not read the Hallmark manual? They’re not supposed to argue on Mother’s Day. They’re supposed to cook for me and clean for me and in short, spoil me rotten because it’s my day.
All that to say, I was sorely disappointed when they started to fight and used the excuse to fly the coop.
(Let’s face it. Sometimes we all need to fly the coop.)
(I call it Barnes & Noble Therapy. It’s free! Yet very, very effective.)
While I was out, I got an idea. It was a pretty good idea, I think—Holy Spirit-inspired, even! I purchased a bouquet of flowers at Byerly’s (where, oddly enough, everyone and their dog was buying flowers) and when I came home—to a Happy Mother’s Day sign on the door, no less, and streamers hanging from the ceiling—I called everyone into the sitting room.
The kids stared at me and I stared back. “Everyone take a flower,” I told them, “and place it in the vase.”
And then together we said three Hail Marys: one for our mom, one for our godmother, and one for the intercession of Mother Mary. In the end, it was one of the highlights of my day because, in the end, it was not about me.
(Well, the Hail Mary my kids said for me was about me…but what can I say? I’m greedy.)
And in the end, that’s the biggest problem. I can be greedy…and needy…and selfish, especially when I went on Facebook (always dangerous) and saw that other moms got “better” treatment. I grew jealous, frankly—sad and jealous, because (and here Satan triumphed) I padded my worth with material expectations.
I am deeply humbled by my humanity.
So I pray for the grace to not be this way, but on a day like Mother’s Day, it can be hard. It’s two parts marketing and one part sin: the world and the devil want us to always want more.
We want more than what we’ve already got…
…when what we’ve been given is what God wants us to have.
The one thing I ask for every year is just a day without fighting…and they all look at me as if it would be easier for them to send me to Rome or something. My dh told me last year that I was asking too much 😉
If it makes you feel any better…this is the 2nd year in a row that one of my kids gave me the gift of a wet bed for Mother's Day. Last year I was quietly angry. This year I found it comical…I'd take a wet bed over fights any day.
Happy Mother's Day
Your comment (the first one on a very hard post) was so encouraging! What's more, it made me laugh out loud.
(Except if you DO go to Rome, I get to go with. )
I love your honest blogging. It's good to know we're not alone in having these feelings. I did not respond well to a particularly whiney child yesterday. Then I felt guilty and bought a dessert she'd asked for last week. Then I felt a bit bad about the excess of treats we had this weekend, etc., etc…. Mothering is certainly not easy!
Our children love it when we feel guilty, Gail! Especially when it results in sugar… : )
Thank you for posting. I had a similar let down yesterday, but I didn't find such a wonderful way to redeem it. I think maybe I will plan ahead next year with this simple, beautiful idea! Thanks!
You don't have to wait until next month, Antonina–we've got all month to honor Mary!
I waffle between It's all about me let me nap/read/pamper myself and the whole be the social loving mama being with the family. It's a fine line and the guilt I feel treading that line is hard. This year As with a lot of years, DH was in the field planting corn. It's difficult not to feel let down when Facebook is so in your face about what others are doing.
Yes! I had fallen behind in my book club book and thought, "I'll use Mother's Day to catch up!"
Ha. That was a MOST unreasonable expectation. : )
I struggled with jealousy all day yesterday because of a whole stack of reasons. We are faulty and broken that way. Thank you for your honesty! At one point yesterday I almost posted on FB: "mother'a day is the worst day of a Mother's life because it will NEVER meet our expectations." But alas I thought it would be too rough and raw. So, again thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Those darn expectations, right?! Gosh, how the devil preys on them.
PS. Love you, Mimi. ♥
I gave up on expecting anything out of any day quite a few years ago. Maybe because Davey often wasn't home, and I had to learn to "make my own happy", as I say. 🙂 I celebrate my birthday for a whole week, even though nobody knows it but me. (And they are the beneficiaries of my celebration!) And on Mother's Day, I indulged in some furniture painting. Not terribly glamorous, but something I wanted to do. 🙂 By now, everyone seems to have gotten used to my ways, and I think there is relief all around, because the burden of not disappointing me has been lifted.
My prayer at morning Mass was in thanksgiving for these eight (!) children that our Father has seen fit to give into my care, and for the grace to mother them well, and in thanksgiving again for all the times they forgive me when I don't. Because, really, Mother's Day is all about them, and not me at all.
Anyway, we're in the habit, these children and I, of actively loving each other every day. We don't take each other for granted; we express our love in word and deed (with hugs but also in service); we honor our differing points of view and forgive each other our sins; and we genuinely enjoy each others company. Which makes Mother's Day a little silly, actually, if you ask me.
I am so thankful for your down-to-earth perspective, Jennie! Thankful, too, that you put up with me and all my drama. ♥
Did you get the package?
Yes! And I've been carrying around thank you cards, thinking I'll get a minute to write one or two, but I haven't! So, thank you!
I was sick as a dog on Mother's Day, a touch of food poisoning or some virus, so how's that for a grand day? Ya know I joked in the combox of Charlotte's blog that I was going to fake sick on Mother's Day and stay in bed with Jennifer's new book all day. Never joke about being sick. I couldn't read, or sleep, or think. Ugh.
I think Mother's Day is exactly like being a mother every day…self sacrifice. We love these people and we work our behinds off for them and they have absolutely no idea that we would like something else, and I guess that means it looks like a labor of love. As it should be, right?
PS the bickering gets to me like nothing else, as well. I asked all my kids for peace for Mother's Day. Might as well have been asking for world peace, but it's funny, when the big kids come home, they all get along better, because the big kids are starting to get it. Is that not something to look forward to?
PPS I happen to be very fond of bobble headed moms, btw. 😉
You saw my "bobble-head" title before I changed it, huh? It's a metaphor I'm still working out…: )
Happy Mother's Day EVERY DAY, dear friend. I'm so sorry you were sick on Sunday & hope that you're well on the mend today.
You know, sometimes the bobble head shakes forward and back in an affirmative nod, and sometimes side to side in a negative. And sometimes it just shakes. Sounds like me most days. 🙂
I appreciate your being honest Margaret. It is SO nice to know that others have similar feelings and that I am not alone in that "jealous but really trying not to be" mode. It was actually on Saturday when we were trying to get out of the door and to my Mom's house, kids bickering and not helping that I made the terrible comment, "I think that I will have a better Mother's day tomorrow if I didn't have any kids around. I think I'll go to the farm by myself without any children." The look of shock and tears on the kid's faces really made me wish I could take that back.
Mother's day was better but nothing like the Hallmark expectations. I wonder how this compares to God's disappointment in us when we fail to show him our love.
Oh hon, I know that look on my own sweet children's faces and I've got a lump in my throat just thinking about it. We can't take back our harsh words but we CAN be better…kinder, more patient, more loving, more selfless…which is exactly what the devil doesn't want.
Also, I had that very same thought about my ingratitude to God, as I sat on the driveway late Mother's Day evening, with tears of self-pity streaming down my face. I imagined Our Lord walking up the driveway and sitting down next me on the cold, damp concrete. His smile was all kindness and mercy and love, and I knew that He got it–He got ME–and we'd get through this.
Him & me. Me & you. Our families (our imperfect families!) and our faith.
It is so nice to know that other Mom's feel this way! In fact, I just wrote a similar post on my blog. I love being a mother and am so grateful every day that we've been so blessed, but I feel that Hallmark and social media have made Mother's Day into day that is almost unobtainable!
I've celebrated 10 years in a row of the worse Mother's Day inner meltdowns ever. Now I've had 2 years in a row of good ones. Hurrah for the small victories in life! Thank you for writing about the hard stuff.
I love how prayer turned it all around for you! What a great idea! And I think probably most of us moms will admit that the day wasn't exactly all we had hoped it would be for one reason or another.
Margaret, I totally agree. I hate Mother's Day. And really, I have nothing to complain about! Two children gave me handmade cards that were amazing. One college kid away from home gave a great store bought card that plays the superman theme. But I sulked about the college kid who waited until 9 pm to call, my husband who didn't meet my secret-to-anyone-but-me desire, and my teenager who complained about everything that day. Thank you for voicing my feelings so well. You are right – it is ridiculous pressure for my family!
I am so grateful you posted this because quite honestly I feel this way…I'm ashamed to admit. I want to be pampered a little on two days of the year. Mothers Day and my birthday. I appreciate so much your honesty and your humor. I am a new blogger so I also appreciated your insecurities about writing too. 😉 Thanks for just being you.
Not sure if it's good or not, but I have no expectations for Mother's Day so if anything special happens then I'm thrilled. Brett actually got me something (he's not a gift-giver, at all, so that was double special).
I think I've learned that Mother's Day is more of a day for the kids to make cards/gifts and less about what I want to do. I did have a little extra "it's-Mother's-Day-you-are-NOT-going-to-argue-with-me" leverage so that was nice. A good day, but not Hallmark, which was fine.
I don't have "those" kids or "that" husband. Out of the box, big, planned, romantic, introspective etc….gifts, cards…just don't happen and probably never will. My husband never really proposed to me, we had a discussion and decided. My kids love me but most of them are not demonstrative at all, only a few will even hug me voluntarily past the age of 8. I used to get my feelings hurt on my birthday and Mother's Day and OMgoodness after I had a baby I would often be a basket case, after my 6th I sent myself flowers because I was so down about the lack of attention he and I got. When I spent a month in the hospital before my 10th was born I saw my husband and children once a week and was crazy lonely, and afterwards I really think all they missed was me cooking dinner. Anyway, all this comes down to is lowering expectation and accepting them for who they are. I want them to love me with all my faults and foibles so I think I should do the same. So I accept the last minute roses, card and Panda takeout with a smile and know that they mean well and do love me.
Someday, maybe, someone will do something that surprises me and because of their general lack of imagination and effort it will be extra special.
Your honesty is so refreshing! I sometimes struggle with jealousy and it is hard for me to admit that I do! Rationally, I do realize I am so blessed…but….it is so hard not to compare or be envious. Thanks for keeping it real and opening up.
Yea, this is soooo very me. My expecations used to be high, but I've since lowered them and it's much better. At least at Mass this year, the singing was on key!
Angela's card…I'd have liked to see a picture of you opening the card 😉
When my hubby asked me what I wanted 'done', I was afraid to answer…my memory of the last couple Mother's Days made me hesitant to say anything! And, he knew it.
This post was so honest and refreshing. I LOVE the idea of flowers and prayers for Mary–mother of us all. I'm adding that in next year. When I think about it…the times I'm happiest are when it's not 'all about me' but about an amazing experience where all of my children connect, and that has meaning. Also, I gave up Facebook for Lent and then made the executive decision not to return. It has been so liberating and I highly recommend it!!!! I'm living more in the moment now. God bless you, Margaret!