Lately George has developed an aversion to photos, whereupon his mom has to beg, plead and bribe him to even look her way.
And even then, well…
The odds aren’t great that the photo will turn out.
I think, perhaps, this might be an extension of what I call his “Little Prince” syndrome, i.e. “Why should I do what anyone tells me when clearly—CLEARLY—they are here to serve me? I am, after all, the baby.”
Oh, sweetie.
Don’tcha see that big belly your momma’s sporting?
Conversely, though, I could use George’s “shyness” as a metaphor for my life. I’m not really feeling photogenic either; I don’t feel like being in the public eye either. Rather, I’m more or less feeling quite puny right now—well, as “puny” as one can feel at this weight.
(Don’t ask. Don’t you even ask.)
What it comes down to is this: I’m not really sure what I want to share in this space. What do I have that will be a blessing to you when I feel like God is testing me to my very limits?* There’s a definite vulnerability that comes from uncertainty. With seven months’ worth of this unemployment stuff…and Baby-Beebums-on-the-Way and the upcoming elections…
Well, I’m beating a familiar drum here, aren’t I. You must be thinking, “Really? Must we really and truly discuss this still?” That’s just it, though. I feel so myopic in my vision—like I can’t see the forest for all these uncertain trees.
My·op·ic, adjective: Pertaining to or having myopia; unable or unwilling to act prudently; shortsighted.
Myopic means thinking that life will be easier when [insert better set of circumstances here].
Myopic = Me.
And plus…and plus…
There’s all this political stuff getting flung about online—election stuff & marriage amendment stuff & Obama stuff & Dear Mr. Romney Why Can’t You Just be Perfect? (He’s not. I know that. Is he the lesser of two evils, though? Is he a better choice than our violently pro-abortion president?)
Anyway, it all makes me want to stay away.
It makes me want to bury my head in the sand go bake cookies and cuddle up with my prince.
And yet…and yet….when I stay away too long I feel disconnected, and that is the point—for me—of the internet. It’s finding my balance and finding my way…
And finding the occasional friend who says, “I get you.”
*Ed. Note: I do think that being tested is a blessing, though I have to reconcile my weakness with a greater trust in God’s love. No, I’m not feeling very productive these days, but as John Milton wrote in the sonnet On His Blindness: “God doth not need either man’s work or his own gifts. Who best bear his mild yoke, they serve him best.”
I totally "get you". Hugs and smiles.
Hang in there Margaret. I understand where you are coming from on the employment front – my husband was out of work for 18 months and it is not fun. And while we didn't have 6 children plus one on the way, we did have one child in a very expensive college with no financial aid. It isn't easy, but with trust in God, you will get through it.
Please know that you are in my prayers.
Ah, my dear. I am right there. Always right there. It's so hard when day after day nothing changes.
“May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.” ― Thérèse de Lisieux
Thinking of you. Wish I was there. Or vice versa.
PS I can not decide who that little stinker is more like. It's a draw.
Don't forget the last line of that Milton sonnet: "they also serve who sit on the couch and gestate." 🙂
I am with you, Margaret. My days are full, my heart is heavy and while God's grace most surely is flowing, I'm feeling anxious and stressed. I miss being able to blog, but wonder why it matters and then just feel like my posts are short of anything worthwhile to say.
It all feels like a bit MUCH right now. Instead, I stay quiet and I stay hidden over here in my little corner of MN. For right now this is where I need to be.
Glad to read your post and know that I am not alone, even if it did produce a tear or two as I read it.
A silent prayer for you today and may your day with the Little Prince be blessed. Oh the rude awakening he may receive in 6 weeks or so 😉
Prayers for you and your family. I understand being tested with financial challenges. Our family income dropped more than 70% 3 years ago and hasn't come close to recovering.
On a practical front — I'm sure you've already made all of the obvious changes (generic brands, fewer processed and treat foods, coupons, cut back all non-essentials). Then it's time to take a couple really deep breaths, pray hard, and humble yourselves to allow yourself to ask for and receive help. That's hard. We had to take help from family and then really let go of all pride and get help from social services. If nothing else, your family should qualify for whatever MN's "family care" insurance is. Take some worries off your back about medical bills and take what you qualify for.
From experience, I can advise you to develop a tough skin about all of the political muck thrown around about those who "take" — they're talking about the cheats and the long-time, perpetual recipients, NOT families who are going through tough times. This is what these supports are there for. Humbly accept them while you need them and then (as we have) be even more determined to help those in need ourselves as soon as we are able.
For you, and this blog, you ask "What do I have that will be a blessing to you when I feel like God is testing me to my very limits?" At least for me, I can tell you that YOU are a blessing to me (and I'm sure to many). Sharing yourself, your faith, your family, and yes even in your struggles while you are being tested — everything you feel called to or are comfortable sharing is a blessing. Don't put the extra pressure on yourself to prejudge what your readers want to hear or would be blessed by. I have a feeling your criteria is a lot different than ours! Share what you want to share, what you need to share — and those who are continually blessed by you will keep coming back. Sometimes we all need to know we're not alone in feeling tested by God, sometimes we need to know we're not alone in our worries and fears. Sometimes we need to know there are others who are falling on their knees in prayer and asking for strength to get through the test.
Sorry to go on so long. But I want you to let go of making yourself personally responsible for blessing anyone in this space, other than yourself and your family. Whether you know it or not, many of us are blessed by you without you having to take it upon yourself at all.
God bless you Margaret. I hope you feel lifted in prayer and that you allow this blog to bless YOU first and foremost because you've blessed us just by being you.
Hi, I'm on my phone and for some reason I can't get to the 'leave a comment' so I'm 'replying'. :o) I'm using Elizabeth M's because its quite similar to what I would say. My husband was "unemployed" for 7 years in that he was laid off in 02 and went into business for himself for 7 years. There are many good memories from the many many family business trips we took with the 9 children who were still home at the time but it was a rough time, no doubt.. We gave birth to 3 children during that time. We were pregnant with one when he was laid off of his 120,000$ job and insurance covered her birth before running out. The next baby was partially self pay and then as an emergency c-section was covered in part by Mediciad. The last was born at home and paid for by us in total from our retirement savings… the last of them. By then we were completly burnt out, had been on and off foodstamps and mediciad over the past 7 years and so mentally tired from never making enough with the business to be able to be totoally self suppported AND grow the business.
It was so humiliating to apply for foodstamps and the swipe that card in line. I learned to go to young tellers as I knew most of them didn't care. Mediciad. SIGH we are still on it as the income we make as a teacher for a private Catholic school is not enough to cover the 640 a month insurance premimum… never mind copays etc. LE SIGH! BUT, we are getting there and hope that with a side business we are slowly growing will get us to the point of getting past the need for social assistance.
As so many people have told me – the reason this saftey line is there is for when we find ourselves temporarily without. Its for people like us. Because its been so badly abused, it doubles the shame we feel when we reach out for this saftey line that keeps us from drowning.
If you have not looked into maternity mediciad, please do. You almost certainly will qualify. And listen. GOD is in charge and will take you where you need to be. For example, I was told by my OBGYN, only weeks from my dute date I would have a csection whether I wanted it or not. As a self pay patient, then 7 months along, high risk simply due to age and number of live births… I had no where to turn. What OBGN would take me and how would I come up with another 1500 to walk in the door of their office…. my scheduled c-section became an emergency c-section and medicaid kicked in and I was encouraged to apply for my kids too.
So… despite strong efforts to be self pay, we ended up on mediciaid and a huge weight lifted off our shoulders!
So, what I'm trying to say, is as hard as it is – look into what assistance you might qualify for, if you haven't already. AND, I've been where you are (and still am, in that we now are surviving on what we used to pay in taxes!!) So I'm not suggesting you walk a path that I have not! I totally get how hard it is! Praying for you, and for your peace! I've been there! I know how you feel. Even being 47 and pregnant as that is how old I was when Cici was born at home. :o)
I get you too. I know we are feeling the stress from the election as well. It seems so much is riding on it this year. Stay close to God, and good will always win in the end.
(That's when it matters anyways right?)
Take care, and remember you are doing the most important thing you can do, God's will. Ann
I would like to second what Elizabeth M has said. My husband has been unemployed for 17 months now and I never thought it would ever last this long. We are making hard choices now but I have to remind myself daily that God has blessed us generously and we have been able to handle our difficulties thus far. Yet I still have very low moments and selfish thoughts. Daily Mass, adoration and a daily rosary help to keep on track. That and our beautiful children.
i get you! i have been there before (pregnant while hubby was unemployed, lost everything, "homeless"…..). this time is not much different. my husband has just taken a job that pays far less than he has been paid in the past several years (we're talking slightly above min. wage). it's not easy, i know. remember that this too shall pass.
prayers for the grace to stay rooted in HIM in all things at all times and to rebuke all that is not of HIM. prayers for spiritual protection.
Pax Christ, lena
I totally get you and get how one feels during this election especially here in MN. Makes a person a little scared for what could be coming down the pike for us and our children, schools, etc.
Best not to further your fears with my own and I best keep praying over and over, "Jesus, I trust in you".
Gaudete in Domino!
I think we all "get" you, because we all have the same weaknesses. I keep thinking in my head, I'd like to fast forward 2 1/2 weeks, when Simeon is home from surgery, the election is over, Tom's Grandma is buried….etc….I tear up as I type this, but my quote of the day today (via email) was this:
"Love being on the cross more than being at the foot of the cross; love being in agony with Jesus in the garden more than having empathy for him in the garden, because you will resemble the Divine Prototype more this way."
— from Padre Pio's Spiritual Direction for Every Day
Trust…trust, we need to trust, which is not always easy to do. God is already there. For me, He's already there at Simeon's surgery, at the election, at Tom's Grandma's funeral. For you, he's there with your fears and worries too.
PS At the accident, they went to H.F. to try to find a priest, but couldn't. Tom's parents live a couple blocks away and one of her other daughters was driving her over there.
I get you, too! Financial concerns, election concerns, concerns for our future all weigh upon us very heavily. Keeping the faith is very difficult at times, but I've found that when it gets really hard to bear, I cry out to God from the depths of my heart and the grace to bear it comes. Sometimes I think that is what He is wanting from us – a raw, emotional cry for help. God Bless you and your family.
I am sure you are so anxious. I would be also. Wish I could give you a big hug right now…or at least eat apple pie and share a cup of drink and talk it all out. That is why this bloggy is a good place because in place of food I have my chocolate I am eating and a diet mtn. dew. not the same but still……
listening to you and know that we all want you to hang in there.
CANNOT wait for the election to be over. I want our side to win so bad.
Imagine living in Iowa. My phone rings constantly. Cannot wait till the election is over. As always though, I never mind what you decide to blog here. Be funny, sad, silent. Just be. That's all anyone can ask for.
Blessings from my little corner of Iowa.
Dear Margaret, I get you. I read your blog for the real-life stuff (good & bad) it doesn't matter what you write as I know it comes from the heart. We all relate to you. Prayers from Virginia for you and your family in these uncertain times.
Margaret, I've been coming to your blog for…goodness..how many years now? Because, even upon the first blog post I read, I "got" you. I felt so connected to you, your struggles, your joys, your ups, and your downs. From miscarriage, to that oh so lovely cross of body image, I understood on a deep level what you were going through, because I've been there myself. Litearlly last night, as I polished off the Ben and Jerry Americone Dream ice cream, I thought, "I should be careful..diabetes!" (my mother is diabetic and although I was diagnosed with GD last pregnancy, I failed the one hour, only to sqeeze by with the 3 hour one). I get the thinking that life will finally "start" or be "better" when "such and such" happens. I have started seeing a new Fransican friar for spiritual direction, and on Monday night he was talking and stressing the present moment. Living in the presence of God, in the present moment.
"The sorest afflictions never appear intolerable, but when we see them in the wrong light; when we see them in the hand of God, who dispenses them; when we know that it is our loving Father who abases and distresses us; our sufferings will lose their bitterness and become even a matter of consolation." – Brother Lawrence
Life IS now, in all that you are experiencing, as hard as it is. As I was getting my son dressed for bed last night, he could not stop stimming. I tried to help him settle down, but he couldn't even look at me. He will be six in December. My almost 3 year old is still not talking, and in the deepest part of me, I worry and think, "Will this child have something too?"
But even if they do, that's ok. Your hubby will find a job. I just know it. Until then, know that all of us out here love you and love praying for you. Keep writing. It helps us all.
I get you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, your life, your family. Love and prayers to you and your beautiful family.
Hi Margaret. Whatever you decide you want to share here – Thank you. You and your family are always in my prayers.
Regarding your last post and going through labor, I wanted to share the prayer in my Mom's very old Mother's Manual prayer book that she gave to me. This prayer has been my comfort through all of my deliveries and I attribute Mary's intercession for my quick (but yes, not painless) deliveries.
Prayer for a Happy Delivery
Holy Mary, Mother of God, who parted with the blessed fruit of they womb without the least pain, I beg of you, by that awful suffering on Calvary through which you merited to become Mother of all the faithful, to come to my aid. I ask not a painless delivery, for I deem it worth any travail if only I can give body to a soul which shall be stamped with the image of God. I ask rather for a successful delivery, and the grace to be a good and holy mother as long as I live. Amen
Thanks for this post. Praying and understanding. That little guy just keeps getting cutier, too. Jesus I Trust in You! Cheri
(Hugs)
Well, I'm just a lurker who comments once in a while, but for what it's worth I think this blog is an apostolate. I was just reading the "Story of A Family" about Blessed Louis and Zelie Martin and I thought about this blog. People thought Zelie was crazy for having another child after having 8 and losing 4 (3 infants, 1 child) and because she was in poor health. But she gave herself over to God's Providence and that last child was St. Therese! I thought of your blog because here you are doing the very same thing — I'm sure the "world" would mock you for having another child (at all, let alone in your present circumstances) and you have said a great big "Yes!" to God. It is a beautiful testimony to the Christian life and a wonderful witness for all of us for this Year of Faith.
I have birth to twins at 47…. I really get you