when it’s watered.”
I don’t know why I’m making this post so difficult because all I really want to say is this: Be intimate with your husband more often.
It will transform your marriage.
I could go on and on about this…and maybe that’s why I’m hesitating. I don’t want to overstep the boundaries of this Catholic blog or offend the discretion of my readers, though I do want to reiterate what I said in Part I of this series: We will never have the closeness we want without giving our husbands the closeness they need.
I know that there are exceptions to this rule. I know there are wives who are sick or postpartum; I know there are husbands who aren’t at all interested; (those particular comments from Part I made me so sad); and I know there are couples who have to abstain for various reasons. This post isn’t for you, okay?
This post is for wives who don’t think that they’re interested.
This post is for wives who don’t think that it matters.
Can I be honest? (I know you want me to.) It does matter! It really, really, really does…though it’s taken me a good 15 years to get it. I’m going to lay it on the line and just say it: Once or twice a month is not enough…and once a week isn’t enough, either.
Perhaps you have baggage that you brought to your marriage. I did and I’ll tell you, it mucks up our bedroom! In giving myself to my husband with love, I have had to distance myself mentally from a couple of things: one, all the mistakes of my past life; and two, the world’s corruption of God’s plan for sex.
(Read: pornography and all that crap.)
There’s so much more to sex than this! If it weren’t meant to be beautiful—that is, if being beautiful wasn’t God’s plan for it—than it wouldn’t be pleasurable for both the man and the woman, and it wouldn’t be God’s way of bringing new life into the world.
In other words, you gotta think God thinks it’s good.
It’s just the world and the devil that have messed it up.
And so—and so—with all that said, I would like to do another giveaway. I have one more copy of Style, Sex, and Substance
to give to one lucky winner. All you need to do is go out on a limb…and tell us one inspiration—or, conversely, one impediment—that you have or have had in the bedroom. That way we can get ideas and/or offer advice where needed.
I’ll go first. ☺
My advice is for all you co-sleepers who wonder how thrice-weekly relations are possible. Are you ready? Here it comes: An afghan on the floor is your ally! The sleeping angel in your bed will be none the wiser…but oh, how much richer your marriage will be.
And that’s it! I’m hitting “publish” before I lose my nerve.
Oh, and I’ll leave the comments open until next Wednesday morning…and will choose one lucky brave winner that afternoon.
Jenn says
Alright, Maggie, I'll start. I think after hearing how much I needed to lose weight all my life from my family may have given me some inhibitions in how I look sans clothing. That's all, hiding in the closet now, don't look at me or I'll blush…
Anonymous says
I'll be brave. LOCK your bedroom door, pray that there will be no house fires, and commit to both sleeping in your birthday suit at least once week. (I hope I didn't offend anyone :)).
bearing says
Forget the afghan on the floor, cosleepers. If you have room, put a second bed in there.
Nancy says
Ok…be brave, Nancy, be brave {{{{deep breath}}}} Here goes….since my breast cancer diagnosis, subsequent chemotherapy and total hysterectomy…..intimate time with my husband is…shall we say…not fun (for me). He has been sooo good and patient with me. The thing is…things for me are not going to get better. Since my cancer was hormone positive..I CAN'T have ANY hormone supplements at all. What this means is that we have to be creative…..and I have to force myself to be intimate because physically, it's very hard for me…painful even. Because of this, I can get complacent…sex rarely even enters my mind…but it's on his mind…a lot (as it should be). I know I need to make myself more avaiable to him..even if I don't feel like it or if it's the LAST thing on my mind. Margaret, thanks for this. I needed to be reminded, in a loving way that I should make this a priority in our marriage…I need to push myself beyond my comfort zone and BE PRESENT for him, regardless of how I'm feeling. Here's a secret I will share, we conserve water and take ONE SHOWER BEFORE THE KIDS ARE EVEN AWAKE! It's kind of like killing two birds with one stone….kinda.
Kathy H says
Having only been married a year, but with hubby out of town 4 days a week, inspiration hasn't been hard to come by 😉
But I do enjoy cute undies and water conservation 🙂
The impediment for now is the squeaky old mattress in a small apartment…and the weird pregnancy sex drive…
With baby coming in January, it would be great to have a copy of this book. Everyone keeps raving about it!
Maggie says
Brave soul I am….
What I have been thinking about a lot lately and having conversations with my hubby about is my fundamental belief about sex. We recently had a conversation about how my parents often made sex seem "bad" (I think this was unintentional) The message they were trying to spread was sex should wait til marriage. It isn't appropriate outside of marriage, etc. Unfortunately, the messaging that stuck with me tends to be that sex is very taboo and naughty. This makes it hard for me to even be in the right space in my mind to enjoy sex with my husband.
Does that make any sense? Seems backwards, but definitely a hindrance to our sex life.
I'm going to work on this Margaret. You inspire me! 🙂
Anonymous says
Mine is/was the too tired, too preoccupied, too >insert any other excuse< to put any effort in. We do lock the door, it helps to ease both of our minds about "walk ins" LOL This is timely because I've been letting my mind excuse myself again. And you are absolutely right about it making a difference. I do believe that your original post about this, maybe a year ago?, is when I decided I needed to stop the excuses.
Thanks for being brave. Sorry but I'll just make this anonymous because I'm not that brave. ~blush~
RealMom4Life says
Ya know the Tempurpedic ad with someone walking on the bed and not "disturbing" the wine glass? Well, let's just say this replaces the afghan on the floor (though we've done that too if baby is too close to the middle and scooting her over would put an end to our plans). Bonus if the baby takes a pacifier…'cause we're close enough to to put it in their mouth before they really wake up – only breaks the mood for a second 🙂
Kristy B says
Turn off the TV after the kids go to bed more often than not.
JMB says
For us, it was realizing that morning was better than night!
Anonymous says
I love your brave and honest post on this important topic- let's just say my marriage thanks you. 🙂
Julie says
Being brave because I really want that book… Somebody said something about turing off the TV, but sometimes it's a good idea to leave it on to cover any "noises" since the older kids are still awake on the other side of the locked door.
Kristy B says
My oldest is only 8 so I guess my comment was more meant in the vein of "turn it off so you can focus on each other instead of spending the whole evening lazing in front of the TV on the couch". Our kids go to bed by 7:30 or 8:00 each night still :). I'd agree a TV/movie *on* during a Sunday afternoon is a good idea :).
Gretchen says
Showering together is great, but also just doing it. Whether you want to or not. 🙂
bearing says
I personally vote for this comment. Kind of gets straight to the point!
Nancy says
Agreed.
Brian Martin says
Saying yes. because, frankly, once the "show is on the road" so to speak, you're glad you did 🙂
Mrs. 1st Lieutenant says
ACK!! that last one was me!! 🙂 lol
sarah says
I don't want to join the conversation, I just want to thank you for writing about this topic. One of the things which has saddened me lately about the Catholic faith – which has actually cast a shadow over my heart about it – is the attitude some Catholics have towards sex. That it's all about procreation, nothing else. That it can be beautiful and pleasurable but that's not the point. I want to thank you for your courage in sharing your Catholic walk … or, er, your Catholic rolling around! 😉 … because it brings a light into my heart again. You and your commentors show me that Catholics out there *are* living the love.
Aimee says
I am already a lucky owner of this book, so no need to put my name in, but oh baby do I love that you are brave, Margaret! And I whole heartedly agree with what you have written. I can't believe it took me so long to realize it, but my husband's love language is overwhelmingly through touch. And then some more touch. And then even more touch.
We don't throw an afghan on the floor because I have a tricky back, but we do have a spot somewhere in the confines of the house (I can't reveal it lest any guests ever feel skeeved out!) that works out fantastically well once the kids are asleep. (And it's not the kitchen/dining room — I REALLY don't want anyone to be skeeved out, lol!)
But for the record, I love the suggestion to lock the doors and sleep in the buff. 🙂
Sarah Oldham says
I'm going on 20 years of marriage to my sweet husband . . . the problem is . . . it's more in my head than in real life and I'm too lazy to do what is in my head to make it better in real life. Plus, by 11pm (and he has taken his after dinner nap on the sofa and crawls in beside me wanting . . . I've had a long day and I'm tired and just want to get it over with). Now, I've suggested many times for him to come home for lunch. He still hasn't. The thing is, we love each other very much and I think if we were both honest we'd say the same thing: it's important to connect this way often and we both need to be a bit more creative! (signed a very tired Navy wife )
Sarah Oldham says
BTW, I don't meant to sound like we don't, we do. But, increase would be good – along with taking more time and not rushing. I'm glad my kids are old enough to be wise on what's going on (and pretending they don't or having them outright call us "disgusting" LOL!) and not knock on our door or bother us . . . they also don't say anything about the noise. Ahem. Just sayin' I know they can hear us . . . and, I think that not having to stifle noises would be nice (hence the lunch time booty call ).
Lori N from MN says
Sarah, I agree with having to stifle noise… our bedroom is on the second floor, and we have a squeaky bedframe… the guest room and one kid are below us. 🙁
minnesotamom says
Once again, the floor is your friend! We have a squeaky bedframe, too, and I find that distracted lovemaking is not much fun.
I would much rather be on the floor and "in the zone." 🙂
Sarah Oldham says
Well, neither of us has a bad back . . . . LOL!!! I'll suggest this!
Betsy says
Thanks for this post Margaret. First thing that I am going to do tomorrow is go to Mendards and purchase a door handle that locks for our bedroom.
minnesotamom says
Oh my goodness, yes. A bedroom door that locks is a MUST. 🙂
Anonymous says
Married 27 years this month. A glass of wine and a bit of XV coconut oil works wonders to move things along quite nicely! I would love that book! 🙂
Maria says
Ok, I might be dumb — what do you use the coconut oil for?!
Anonymous says
Wonderful, yummy smelling massage oil…very lubricating. You are not dumb. Funny thing is I had a whole GALLON of extra virgin coconut oil in the kitchen pantry and read online of its wonderful bedroom effects. I laughingly told my husband about another use for our coconut oil. A small jar of it has been a bedside staple ever since. 😉 I just ordered another gallon. 😉
Joan says
Thanks for that tip Anonymous!! : )
Anonymous says
(Note: I'm not Catholic but Lutheran although on this topic I think our theology matches pretty well.)
Think of all the reasons you are so in love with your husband and then seduce him and make things reeeaally good for him, you'll enjoy it and so will he. Then don't say no when he asks/hints/nudges. He'll return the favor. Make love. He loves you, he wants you, his desire is for YOU, you are his reason for living. Married sex is blessed sex. It's the way it's supposed to be. There should be no guilt because God created this to be a blessing for married couples. (Have you read Song of Songs??) Also, it does wonders for headaches, being tired, and feeling old/ugly/pudgy. The hormone release helps with the headache, the after glow will help you sleep better, and the look in your husband's eye will help drive away any body hang ups. See yourself the way he sees you.
Also, the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr.Willard Harley Jr. addresses this topic as well as a list of general needs in marriage. GREAT book for all married folks and especially any going through a rough patch.
Thanks for bringing this up Margaret. I love your blog, grew up on the WI and MN border, went to high school in the Twin Cities, and have family in the Fargo area. Sometimes I feel like I know you. Many blessings on your family, your new bundle, and on you, a truly remarkable lady.
Married 11 satisfying years,
js
Sylvia says
Had to chuckle about the afghan on the floor. Here I thought a pillow was all that was needed. Hope to get a chance to read the book. Please enter me in the drawing!
Melanie says
I already own the book, but just have to say: You. Rock.
Meghan says
I love this conversation!
I've recently been trying really hard to be, well, more available for my husband. I have a hard time switching "mom" off and "wife" on (especially with baby in bed). Creativity is definitely the key. I've noticed a difference in our relationship for sure, and I love that my husband can no longer take part in the conversations with the guys about "how long it's been!"
I do have to giggle a bit thinking about all the happy men out there (no, it's not just for them, but you know) all thanks to you! 🙂
Meghan says
Ack, I'll try this again.
I already have the book so if I'm chosen please choose again.
Anonymous says
Making oneself more available to one's husband will improve the husband/wife relationship beyond measure. If you've ever wished to be loved more, cherished more just attend to his needs often and you will be amazed at the dramatic changes that come. There is nothing better than knowing that your husband adores you and when that happens sex will happen more often and you will be adored even more. I don't need any tips on making it happen; all I need is the super love from my husband that comes with regular sex. It is incredible. So my best advice is to get together with your husband before your evening computer time. Then no one can complain about being too tired.
Lisa S. says
1. Do it anyway, whether you really want to or not.
2. Shut off electronics early enough.
3. Spend other nights doing something else fun together (playing cards, etc.)
This is a topic of conversation in our house lately too since baby #5's arrival.
Michelle says
An afghan on the floor? Your husband doesn't look very middle eastern to me. I go for the german-irish on the floor myself.
And we use the tv …in the middle of the afternoon to keep the kids occupied for a half hour. I have way more energy at 2 pm than 10 pm.
Jill says
Love this conversation! Thank you for treading into these waters. We shouldn't hesitate to talk about this since sex IS such a beautiful action!
My husband and I set time limits. If more than four days have gone by (or the weekend's about over), we just do it, regardless of how tired we are. After the first 60 seconds, you always wake up! 🙂 This has helped us keep regular relations and we've found that sex begets more sex. Ever since we've instituted this a few years ago, we've been happier and we truly feel like more of a team.
Elizabeth C. says
OOhhh I like that rule!
Paula says
As several other people have stated, participating – whether or not you want to – is key. It may take a bit of time, but you will both be happy. I'm quite a few years older than my husband, and our age difference as never been a problem, until now in this specific situation. Really want to read that book!
Mama Moore says
I'd for sure agree with the 'just do it' group.
Also, we agreed before we were even married that we'd never be able to kick the other one out of bed (after a fight, for example). So our bed is where we come together and our intimacy isn't a pawn in any disagreements. I tell all my soon-to-be-married or recently-married friends about our rule because I really think it helps form how we treat our intimacy.
And kudos to you Margaret for posting about this, in this way, in a 'only do what you feeling like doing' world!
Anonymous says
We abide by your rule as well.
Lori N from MN says
Ok, my turn…
Impediment: He likes morning romps… but I prefer evening. He gets up by 4:30 every morning for work, so he is usually very ready for sleep when he goes to bed at night.
Inspiration: A few years ago we had to get really creative with older teens down to toddlers in the house. He would get home from work in the late afternoon.
So while our teens would be at their jobs, we would put a video on for the littles, and Mom and Dad would take some time for ourselves. The code word we came up with was "fold laundry." 🙂
He'd come in from work and I would casually mention that I had to go 'fold laundry…' and he would soon follow me to the bedroom and lock the door.
Conversely, he would often times call me before he left work to ask me if I had to 'fold laundry' that day… 🙂 Amazingly, I often replied that yes, I did, and delayed dinner accordingly. It was easier for both of us to muster the energy then than later in the evening.
It worked well for us. Hoping it helps others to come up with a way to "change it up" too.
Most of all, I have noticed that it makes a huge difference if I focus on him when he's home and not just giving him the 'leftover' time I have once everything else is finished for the day.
Finally, to celebrate our 30th anniversary this year, we took a 12 day child-less vacation for the first time in 28 years! We managed to become close friends again, not just 'being there' in the daily routine. It was a huge blessing for our marriage (extended family took care of the kids for us) and I highly recommend it, if at all possible at this time in your lives.
Thanks for your post Maggie. We appreciate your honesty.
Blessings~
Cheryl M. says
Love the "folding laundry" code language. 🙂 A very good friend of mine grew up with her parents "paying bills" in their bedroom. 🙂
Anonymous says
My husband and I do the "taxes" in our bedroom.
RealMom4Life says
ha…we have a meeting….
Therese says
We purchased a lock for our bedroom door. Best $8 we've ever spent!
scmom (Barbara) says
I was not going to comment on this post simply because the comments you have are so good and I don't have much to add. I just want to say that for those ladies who feel tired because they carry the load at home, one night of wife- initiated intimacy is worth a whole lot of husband-initiated chores during the day. Not that that's why you should do it, but one feeds the other. Love that lovin' man!
Anonymous says
I commented earlier, but as I read the comment with the 12 day child free vacation, it reminded me of something. When we have date night, the only rule is we can't talk about the kids. It has to be about us, not them. That has really worked for us to reconnect as a couple.
Anonymous says
I love all the comments, and your post, Margaret. Being a super melancholic (read:very holistic in the God's plan for true union), I want to put out a wonderful thought, originally from Matt Lickona (writer and blogger Korrectivpress.com), cited by Simcha Fisher a couple of year ago: "Men need to have sex in order to feel taken care of. but women need to feel taken care of in order to have sex. You could see this situation as an insurmountable dilemma and a cruel trick of nature, or you can see it as God's way of making sure that men and women are good to each other."
I always try to be there (though staying awake late enough is a constant challenge!), but nothing is as enticing as thoughtful acts by my husband during the day.
scmom (Barbara) says
PS in the same ilk as "folding laundry," my husband knows if I ask " are you ready for bed?" then his window is open. 😉
Katie says
Naptime/rest-time means the kids are upstairs and the basement is empty. Doors locked and no one hears anything. That's how we manage the co-sleeping situation.
I'm always busy and almost never in the mood, but coming to realize after 11 years of marriage that this isn't just about me on my little island–I've made promises to this man before God. He is mine and I am his, and we honor that by giving more than we want to!
For me, making him happy (pleasing him) is so simple–it's just an act of the will on my part. We all know what makes a man melt, and it's all about doing it. Bonus: pleasing him gets me there most of the time (eek!!).
crissy says
Congratulations on your pregnancy!! (I figure that fits in nicely with this topic!). I have no advice other than to agree with the woman that say pleasing your man leads to your own pleasure (oh my goodness!!!!!!)
Jake and Ashley Hodapp says
Okay, here I am…being brave! I figured everyone else was brave, so why not me too?!?!
I LOVE all the chatter about this topic, but how about how hard it is NOT to do it? Surely I'm not the only Catholic wife out there practicing NFP? It really shows God's perfect intentions for sex, and how it's so easy to get in the mood when you're most fertile, right??
For me, the struggle is getting back "into it" when stretch of no-go days are over. Just that first time each month is all that I need, but sometimes I have to force myself to get there!
I have a husband who works nights, and that means we only share our bed for about 2 hours between when he gets home and when I get up. Let me tell you, I am NOT in the mood at 4am…but he knows that when he crawls in and finds me in my "birthday suit", as someone else called it, that means the window is open. Also to be noted, when I am fully clothed he knows not to even THINK about it at 4am!!!
I have 4 kids, my oldest just turned 5 and my youngest 8 months…so I'm still nursing, which makes things tricky and I'm still VERY much needed, puked on, snotted and sneezed on, pooped on, spilled on and cried on all day long! It is SO easy to use kids as an excuse, and I won't say I've never done it, but I don't let my husband get used to ONLY having what's left of me at the end of the day. He gives me his best, and I pray daily that I do the same for him!
Thanks everyone for being so open to share!
Christine says
Love this post, Margaret. I agree with a lot of comments that said…just do it. Sometimes feelings can get in the way.
Melissa says
I love this conversation! Thank you, Margaret, for starting it. Sharing these ideas is so important for our marriages!!! The comments here are great and I wholeheartedly agree with them. One other suggestion I'd like to make is to ease into intimacy with a nice couples massage. I know that at the end of a long day, when we're tired and worried about a little one waking, it's hard to make the time to make it special, but this is one practice that both my hubby and I really enjoy. Some scented warming oil and a full body massage is so relaxing and helps me transition from mommy to wife! Physical touch is definitely my husband's love language so I know that he really appreciates the closeness of both giving and receiving these massages. Thank you again, Margaret! May God continue to bless you and your marriage!!!
Anonymous says
I wonder how many new babies there will be as a result of this post alone! I certainly felt inspired when I read it a few nights ago when it would have otherwise been a no go night according to my chart. Wait and see!
Elizabeth C. says
Our marriage have hit several 'dry' spells over the years. Most people are shocked when this topic is brought up; because when you see us together we are quite affectionate. What they didn't know is what I was feeling behind closed doors.
Now even when I don't feel all that 'sexy' or what ever; I change the script. He works a dangerous and laborous job. When he lays next to me I think of how lucky, how blessed, I am to have him next to me. To feel his body there, is precious. So now, I don't wait for him to start the 'playing'. Ladies, not only does increasing the yes change the marriage but, when we ask our men to dance 'first', it elevates how wanted they feel.
I hope that made sense.
minnesotamom says
>>>Ladies, not only does increasing the yes change the marriage but, when we ask our men to dance 'first', it elevates how wanted they feel.
Yes, yes, most emphatically YES.
Lela says
I haven't visited this blog in years and I am amazed in a good way that this is the topic. Why? Because Margaret, it just took you 15 years, it has taken me 25 years. I am not kicking myself and feeling guilty about lost time though, I am celebrating that I finally got it. I didn't read Part I,but I will. I wanted to write my comment before I lost my nerve and before children interrupted me. My whole life is being transformed by just changing this one part of my marriage. IT IS AMAZING! No matter how tired you are or how aggravated you are, just DO IT with your husband, that is. I don't mean to be offensive, but it is that important. It will change the way you feel about him and about yourself. There is a book that I read about this that changed things for me. And it has truly worked. I look at my husband with new eyes and feel such gushes of love and admiration for him.I so glad you had the guts to write about this, Margaret.
Maria says
Impediment: I look awful. After 3 children (so far) I have stretch marks and a gut that will not return to its pre-birth shape no matter what I do. It's pretty humiliating. And I find that humiliation doesn't really put me in the mood. Sigh.
minnesotamom says
Maria, you've probably been told this before but your husband thinks you're beautiful! You're the mother of his children and your body is a reflection of that.
Still, I know what you mean and have found that sometimes my insecurities get the best of me, despite my knowing "better". That's when I pull out a pretty lace negligee–one that covers up those postpartum rolls–and that helps tremendously in the libido department.
(Except now I'm pregnant and I don't have rolls. I have a big, round baby bump instead! 🙂
Maria says
Thanks for the good advice. I think I'm going to go shopping for some "lace camouflage!"
Anonymous says
I have to second Ashley from above–we've had reasons to abstain recently, having just gotten my cycles back after baby #3. I'm finding it kind of "unfair" that when my desire is high, we have to resist, and then I'm kind of forcing myself into it post-ovulation. And even if we weren't abstaining, with our track record I'd have one cycle of great fertile intercourse and then I'd be pregnant and sick and back to the first phase of the two-year cycle of being pregnant, nursing, weaning, and finally getting sleep (and cycles) again. Any thoughts on this from those who have been going through it for more than a handful of years? -KC
bearing says
whoops – I replied below and forgot to thread.
happymomonline says
Here is my take at total honesty – it just doesn't feel good like it used to. Breast feeding on demand can really take a toll on hormones and my body. 1 miscarriage, 7 pregnancies/deliveries, and years of breast feeding…what once "worked" doesn't anymore. It's constantly trying to rediscover how to get ME in the mood. I get frustrated with myself and avoid it or rush it rather than take time to enjoy it.
I am praying, praying, praying…I really want to desire this again. I love my husband more than words can express and the marital act does a much better job of showing him how I feel.
Hope this makes sense to you. Thanks for the post!
Lori N from MN says
Dear Happy Mom,
You said, 'what once "worked" doesn't anymore. It's constantly trying to rediscover how to get ME in the mood.'
Yep, I know what you're saying. I find that if I don't focus on myself, but focus on thoroughly pleasing my husband, I 'get there' pretty easily.
Smith Family says
So many great tips here. I can't think of much to add but would love a copy of the book. One thing I like is that we "steal" kisses. Sometimes that "welcome home from work" kiss is sooo much more than a peck. Then the "thanks for helping the kids with dishes" kiss is a tad more than that. The "hurry up and get the kids out of the bat"h kiss in the hallway is more….and you get the idea. When you know you can't yet the build up……builds!
Mary says
Terrific posts (both parts!).
I think that for me it comes down to simply "giving" even when I'm not initially in the mood. As life gets busier with 3 busy sons, work, etc., I recall more and more the words I heard from our "Engaged Encounter" leaders 23 years ago – "marriage is about making the decision to love". I really didn't get it then, because I was already "in love" – what could they mean? 🙂 Now, I see that marital love means sacrifice and self-giving, and that includes giving in the bedroom as well, making that decision to do something even when we don't want to (at least initially!).
bearing says
"I'm finding it kind of "unfair" that when my desire is high, we have to resist, and then I'm kind of forcing myself into it post-ovulation…. any thoughts?"
My perspective is that the pattern of NFP abstinence during times of avoiding pregnancy while having cycles is actually quite "fair," even though "fair" looks different for the male and for the female.
(I'm about to stereotype/generalize here and I'm aware of it, so read this as "applicable to many including me," not "applicable to all.")
Males have a libido that is more or less constant from day to day, since they do not have cyclical hormonal changes. Take a survey on the question "how often would you prefer to make love?" and I think you'll find that "every day" would be a common answer. 🙂 I suspect that the length of time since the last act of intercourse also plays a part. Go home and ask your husbands if I'm right about this.
Females are more likely to have a libido that grows and diminishes somewhat during the cycle, with the libido highest during the fertile time.
So in my view, both the male and female sacrifice some of their preferences in order to delay pregnancy using NFP. The male agrees to go a long block of time without intercourse, which is contrary to natural desire. The female agrees to reserve sexual intercourse to those parts of the cycle when her natural desire is less ardent. The sacrifices are complementary.
vitaconsecrata says
Well, being single I think the biggest impediment I have had is having a spouse! LOL! I hope that doesn't disqualify me! 😉
LeAnn says
I know I'm probably too late for the drawing (already have the book anyway…), but I wanted to comment. We were at a Catholic family conference this past weekend. One of the talks was on the vocation of marriage, given by a priest. He too was emphasizing the importance of the marital act in marriage. He said that if you call your spouse your best friend, that's fine, but you better be having relations too, because if you don't, you're just friends, not spouses. Also, to add some levity to the subject, he said this: A man woke his wife up in the middle of the night to give her a glass of water and an aspirin. "What's this for?" she asks. "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Oh, good. I was hoping you'd say that!"
scmom (Barbara) says
Miss Maggie, I think it's clear you need to write a book!
Jamie Jo says
This reminds me of the conference we were at a couple years ago, remember Mags? When the speaker said towards the end of her talk, "Pray for God to give you the desire" This is what I need. That desire. To tell the truth, since you have so wonderfully here, I have that postpartum body, am now "leaking" a little, and my nipples are always huge and sensitive from pumping all the time. SO the thought of someone, (i.e. my husband) touching me, well, the desire is not there.
The afghan on the floor, are you saying you do it on the floor, while little one is sleeping up in the bed beside you?
I have to come back and read the comments….
(happy you left comments open, I've been busy…Sim was in the hospital, we are home though now)
minnesotamom says
Yep, Jamester, that's exactly what I'm saying. It sounds indiscreet but it's not, is it? So many couples have little ones who haven't yet graduated to their big boy/girl bed, so this is our (happy:) solution.
Jamie Jo says
Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, that now with a special needs baby, I am for the first time in my life, afraid, dare I say, of getting pregnant….that being said, I also know that fear is from the devil, not from God….but still…
Katie says
The only other thing I was thinking–besides that GENEROSITY is really what matters most in this regard–is that we have happily embraced the seasons of our marriage, too. I think it is good to be as giving as possible to our husbands. I also think it is very good for husbands to respect our fatigue and lack of desire at times.
Before, when we were pagans and contracepting, it was ALL! ALL the TIME!! and that was not satisfying (even he will admit that). Like many couples, we have differing libidos. But when we became open to life, using NFP, especially postpartum, we were astonished to see how much things improved in the bedroom. Those fluctuations in our marital relations have taught us to embrace the plenty of pregnancy and the wonderful desire it brings, and the poverty of postpartum dryness, fatigue, lack of desire. Those peaks and valleys in our "marital" relationship have been very good for us to learn and respect the other's needs and desires. And it does not have to be ALL THE TIME all the time.
Abigail says
I was at the end of my rope breastfeeding number five around Mother's Day, so I went out and put $60 of those cute nightgown/rope sets that were on sale on our credit card. I simply thought looking pretty would lift my spirits about doing this chore I increasingly hated. Best investment ever! Number six may be coming any day!
bearing says
Wow, a nightgown/rope set! This thread *is* getting interesting!
Anonymous says
I know I am late to this conversation, but…wow this has been so interesting, educational, inspiring and…well, I just couldn't stop reading all the comments. I think providence brought me to this site in such a timely manner, and I don't want the conversation to stop! I have been married for almost 11 years, have 4 kids, and have used NFP for the duration of our marriage. While I have discussed many of these things with my husband, I have NEVER talked to other moms about these things….ladies just don't discuss this stuff, right? Ha! I understand that our husbands have sexual needs and we should meet those needs even when we don't feel like it. I get it and do this for my husband. However, I NEVER feel like it and this makes me sad. I want to want my husband, and he wants me to want him, but even though I give him sex, we both know that I would be satisfied with a nice massage. I love him (and he knows this) but why does it seem like I could go the rest of my life without sex?? It really does not interest me and I find it uncomfortable (lots of discomfort for a minute of "nice" if you know what I mean)…just doesn't seem worth it on MY part so it is all for him. I am happy to do this for him, but it really stinks that it has to be this way. He wants me to enjoy it too and so do I. Any advice? Many have suggested for the wife to be the initiator, but it makes me feel dishonest to "pretend" I want sex when I don't. I have never opened up about this to anyone except my husband and would appreciate any wifely wisdom anyone can offer! Thanks!
Anonymous says
There might be a medical/hormonal reason behind your lack of desire — have you ever talked to your doctor about it? You WANT to want your husband, so clearly the mental desire is there. There are peaks and valleys in any relationship, of course, but to just "do it" with your husband and not really ever be into it — at your age — is a little concerning.
minnesotamom says
Anonymous, I was on vacation when you left this comment but I just wanted to say that you are welcome to email me anytime & we can talk: mom4life[at]comcast[dot]net.
I've been where you are and completely understand!
Anonymous says
Thanks for this article, it has made our last honeymoon phase of nfp very productive!! 🙂 My husband, has never really been overly demanding in this area and always seemed satisfied and content, but the recent increase brought on by your blog has really made us happier and more in love then we were before. Thanks Margaret!!