I didn’t explicitly ask for prayer alongside the suggestions listed below, but I’ll be darned if there weren’t a couple sent my way. I hope there were prayers, in any case! Otherwise, this sunny mood of mine has no explanation whatsoever.
Just between you and me, though? It got worse—much worse—before it got better.
This self-centered depression has been coming and going for a while now. (For me, it’s almost always a pregnancy thing.) It rears its smirky face and I bat it away, and then it pops in again and I ask it to tea.
Or something like that.
And I’m trying—really trying—not to write a post that’s full to bursting with “I’s” but that’s hard not to do that when you’re talking about depression. The nature of mental distress is that it’s all about me and me and me.
It’s hard being me when it’s all about me. It’s really quite oppressive.
So yes, when I wrote the bleg post below I was struggling. I wanted to come clean with what I’d really been feeling—I wanted to say, “Help me! I’m depressed right now!”—but I just didn’t have it in me. The truth was that I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful new life within me—but the truth was that I was very scared.
Why? I will tell you now that the storm clouds have passed.
I was afraid that I was ruining my children by not doing more with them. (This is a temptation, I know.) For me, unfortunately, the less that I “feel” I am teaching them, the less I am actually able to teach them. My brain freezes up.
And so, by Monday night my brain was frozen. I needed help and your comments offered it. Still, throughout most of Tuesday I struggled. I struggled with feelings of anger and insecurity; I fought against being snappish and uninspired (and lost); and I cried. Oh, how I cried.
Finally the sun burst through.
To be cont.
Oh, you can’t leave it off there – I want to see the sunrise!! 🙂 Bless you, Margaret. You’re beautiful.
So glad, Margaret. I have said it over and over but it is hard to apply when you need it most. “The children will learn, it’s in their nature, even if I have to take a six month break.”I constantly have beaten myself up for not teaching more. The result of my very often hands off approach in my now high schooler is the ability to teach herself anything she wants to learn, huge love of reading and very enviable SAT scores.
Hang in there.
I feel your pain and often fall to the same temptation! My oldest is entering high school and I am constantly battling the absolute terror that I will not give her everything she needs to survive in college. Thank you for identifying it as a temptation (not something I’d thought about before) so I can now battle what it really is!!!
Peace!
I’m praying for you and I hope you are praying for yourself. Towards the end of my last pregnancy I was so depressed I spent hours just staring at my bedroom window. I couldn’t even answer the phone. I understand. Hugs.
I was right there with you, absolutely miserable. Today’s a little better.
I so totally understand how you are feeling. You will be in my prayers. If we pray for each other, this will pass…
Prayers for you Margaret, my friend. Prayers. You are a wonderful mom!
Oh, little friend. Our God is sovereign no matter what it looks like — no matter what we feel like. Keep riding it out!
The best advice I ever received was when my parish priest said “We bless our families with both our weaknesses and our strengths.”
Your kids will learn more by watching you struggle to hold onto your faith while carrying the cross of Depression, than they would if all of your home-school assignments were letter perfect and you had an unfailing sunny disposition this month.
Multiple rosaries coming your way!
Just wanted to tell you that I love you. God bless!