Read Part One here.
I hope you don’t find this talk of depression off-putting. It’s been an on-again, off-again enemy of mine for years now, although—thank goodness—it’s nowhere near as oppressive as it was the first year of my marriage.
My doctor called it situational depression back then, and said it was probably the result of my working as a waitress when what I wanted to do was teach.
She put me on Prozac, which helped tremendously. Even better, though, was finding work as a high school teacher the following year. Goodbye, Prozac; hello, peace of mind and sense of purpose!
(I taught Religion, French, and photography. I had no time to be depressed! 🙂
Honestly, I do think that when one loses his/her sense of purpose—when we forget that we are loved unconditionally despite our accomplishments or lack thereof—that we are prone to crises of faith and trust. That’s what happened to me on Monday when I tried to slide back into a classroom routine after taking a week off for Easter…
…and all I wanted to do was sleep.
I napped in the a.m.
I napped in the p.m.
I didn’t teach; I slept.
So go ahead and shake your head at me. I know you want to, because it’s sad to have beaten myself up over that. It’s sad to have gotten depressed over that! But when you’re a hyper-obsessive, goal-oriented stay-at-home homeschooling momma…
Well, it happens.
Let’s move on to that sunrise, shall we?
On Tuesday morning, I visited Laura’s blog and saw her list of poems that make her cry. I left a comment saying that I was going to share “maggie and milly and molly and may” with my children later on, and laughingly wondered, “Will I cry? To be cont…”
(Have you read “maggie and milly and molly and may”? Please go and read it right now if you haven’t.)
Well, I did cry, not surprisingly. My recitation hit a roadblock.
“For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),”
My throat swelled up. I had to pause.
Two seconds, four seconds…
The tears were falling…
“It’s always ourselves we find in the sea.”
Yet, these tears were different from the ones I’d shed earlier in the day. They were tears of contrition, and repentance, and peace. I apologized to my children and I hugged them, one and all.
And then we drew pictures to go with the poem and went for ice cream.
Thank you again, with all my heart, for your prayers and suggestions. I don’t know, frankly, that a blog is the best venue for a discussion such as this, but I hope that in some small way there will be those who benefit from this topic.
Perhaps you could share some suggestions in the comment box as to what you do when you’re feeling down. I will say that Kristen’s remarks about being a joyful witness weighed heavy on my heart at first—oh, the guilt!—but then, as is always the case with Kristen, the beauty and truth and sheer mirth of her words won me over.
Yes, of course. She was right, of course! I have been blessed with five living children and one more on the way. (Hooray!) Why wouldn’t I want to rejoice in this? Why shouldn’t I be thanking God?
I was a big happy thing at the Dairy Queen yesterday.
My children, though smaller, were just as joyful.
AMDG,
Margaret…
I am humbled that you share about those moments in your life! Sometimes, I am afraid to share especially when externally…everything is happy and normal and technically…no reason to be depressed. I have learned that it is very possible to be lonely even when not alone.
I, at times, have walked around the room replacing light bulbs because everything seemed so dim. In reality, it was the heaviness and darkness of depression. I am glad that it is not a permanent condition for you or I…that we can let the sadness wash over us for a bit…experience it…live it…feel it…but not let it overcome us.
You are a special person Margaret…one who gives much encouragement to me and to others.
Thank you (Merci)
How wonderful! I would love the dairy Queen too ( I am 19 weeks prgnant tomorrow)! Check out my post about God being good-a friend sent me an email that really helped…
http://themusingsofamom.blogspot.com/2009/04/god-is-so-good.html
Dear Margaret,
I read your blog daily (pretty much) because here I find a faith-filled person who is so honest about her struggles. I also have my battles with depression and anxiety, and I share this with you now because I appreciate your openness with all of us readers in the first place! Praying for you! Glad you’re feeling better! I often tell my husband I wish I could know you in person, because I’m sure you’d be such a fun person to have coffee with. Hang in there!
Usually I believe the lies of Satan and then eat too much chocolate and carbs, feel bad about my body, feel sorry for myself, feel totally inadequate as a mother, a friend, an employee
and as a child of God. Above all in times of depression I am unmotivated. Things usually spiral b/c my priorities are totally out of order as I wallow in misery. I really should be talking to God first and be in close conversation with him long before the spiral. Eventually eating and wallowing and sleeping makes me feel worse instead of better and it occurs to me that my misery plan is not at all in line with God’s will for me. He wants to have a relationship with me- not just in the bad times, but always and forever. So usually about this time I realize that the lies of satan are getting pretty loud and I need to fill my mind with the truth. I pray that God through the Holy Spirit would speak to my heart and then I open His word and start reading. I have a few passages that are staples for these times. Some are short, some several paragraphs.
Isaiah 55 “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters… “
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you…”
Isaiah 43 “…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine…”
Isaiah 40:26-31 “Lift your eyes and look to the heavens…”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you…”
Psalm 63 “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you…”
Romans 5: “Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God
through our Lord Jesus Christ…”
Matthew 18:10 parable of the lost sheep
Luke 12: 22-34 about worry
John 6 Feeding 5000, Walking on Water, Bread of Life
For me, reading the passages and then meditating and praying through them refocuses me.
Um, so if the snippets to give the gist of the passages look odd, yes, I confess my NIV translation that is well worn, underlined and bookmarked is much easier to find things in than my newer catholic bible given to me during rcia. I know the above is rambling, but I hope that you find the references helpful or even familiar ones that you already go to regularly. You are so not alone. We go through moments where there is more “I”
especially when pregnant and nursing and wildly irrational and hormonal. We are a body of Christ, not islands and there are
shoulders to help carry the burden or hands to lift you up just as there are shouts of praise and joy to share in your joy.
Peace be with you
My thoughts are with you.
I love that you and I share a love for that poem.
It strikes me at my core.
I’m sure your writing so openly about it helps others as it helps you. In ways we may never know. I do not suffer from depression, but IF I start to feel blue, I pray and then get off my butt and start doing something – walk, clean, call a friend, go to coffee, . . . I redirect my thoughts. I struggle with getting older and always having to move every few years (Navy) and there are all kinds of stresses and I don’t want to get out of bed . . .or face having to fill out more paperwork for the dog to go with us . . .
I tell myself if I’m always looking behind, I’ll always be behind – I must forge ahead and look ahead. I’m going out on the branch ‘cos that’s where the fruit is. Little quotes that motivate.
God bless you!
That’s great advice, Sarah! My problem is not so much that I am looking behind as that I am looking forward…always looking forward…and worrying about a future over which I have no control.
To be in the present and to be at peace with the present is a HUGE goal of mine.
My game plan: I pray. And I’m always surprised when it works. Getting out in the garden helps and there was actually some research done a year or so ago that indicates some anti-depressant chemical or bacteria in soil. I knit – working with beautifully colored yarn regardless of the project is very soothing. I prioritize. I know if I cross out those most important tasks I will automatically feel better. I run. Yesterday I was incredibly anxious – a two mile run made all the difference.
Oh…I love LIZ’s opening line. However, I would never ever use Satan and chocolate in the same sentence. I love chocolate…love love love.
I figure life is an up and down journey. Singing helps me….lalalala…The sun will come out tomorrow..followed by a…”this too shall pass…” and throw in a good ol’ I trust in you as I get on my knees. Then take a nap…eat some more chocolate.
Hang in there Margaret. We are praying for you and your family!
The Holy Spirit led me hear to read your posts about depression. Thank you for being so open. It helped me feel less alone. I am struggling now with Depression, and will offer my suffering for you.
I am trying to get back into balance. I think being sick a lot this winter, coupled with some bad experiences, that is making this Depressive episode last.
I think acknowleging your struggles is one way to help.Fleeing to the Sacraments helps too. I also am trying to eat better, get rest, and be more active, but so far that hasn’t helped. I had a light during a recent Holy Hour. I was reflecting on the Sorrowful Mysteries and Jesus’ agony in the Garden. I felt the Lord say “This is where you are right now (In the Garden), but don’t forget I am here with you.
So in my darkest moments, I try to remember He is there even if I can’t feel it.
I see how the future can make you anxious. But knowing what makes you anxious should help a little. Well, for myself, knowing my ‘triggers’ really helps. Like, I’m currently trying to stay calm as I have a house to clean before company tomorrow . . . knowing furniture will be delivered between x and x time . . . on the last tests for the school year . . . have to go out to dinner tonight (volunteer thing) . . . I’d really just rather have a bit of a lie down. And, some times that lie down is the greatest help. But, you are absolutely correct: to be at peace while living in the present is some times difficult – even for me. I will pray for you – you often encourage me in so many ways by just being you in your posts. God bless!
You are a blessing, Margaret. Depression is such a heavy cross. I understand that the “being down”, for a mother, is not so much the hardship as is her knowing the effect it has on her children. A tremendous weight. It is good that you share your story here – you inspire your readers in a real and concrete way, and I love you for it.
As always, Margaret, so glad for your sweet, simple honesty. I’m sending my meager prayers your way. I’m on the opposite spectrum of things and dealing with secondary infertility, but I have shared in days like yours..in the end we’re all hormonal, blessed women 🙂 Passing along happy thoughts and prayers in your last month of pregnancy!!
I struggle with anxiety and depression. Mine mostly kicks in whenever I get sick or miss sleep for a few weeks. I try to do all the stuff you’re supposed to do for good mental health and my husband is always my rock.
The thing I learned this year is from Saint John of the Cross is that sometimes our spiritual journey mimics little “d” depression. We’re constantly moving from a purging/depression cycle into a lightness and hope cycle. Sometimes we see all the darkness in our souls, because God (our light) is actually talking to us very intently.
Now when I get my habitable lows I try to offer up the suffering for a good cause and also I remind myself “God is talking to my soul right now.” I’ll even go to Adoration and just sit in front Jesus for a while.
I’m still a baby Catholic, but this shift is so helpful. I’ve stopped trying to say “I’m so stupid for feeling this way” or “how can I fix myself” and started seeing how this fits into my overall sanctification.
Hi Margaret,
I’m praying for you, with you. I’ve been in that kind of dark place before. Just known you aren’t alone. you’re never alone.
I wish I could fly to Minnesota to give you a hug.
Thank you for bringing me back to that lovely poem. Oh cummings is my friend.
God bless you and all your little ones.