“For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:20)
In January I mentioned that Joe has been going to therapy to correct a tongue thrust problem. One of the perks is that, provided he was faithful in doing that week’s exercises, he gets to choose a DVD off the therapist’s shelf.
He’s good about doing his weekly exercises. We’ve watched a lot of movies.
The problem now is that the pickings are getting slim. Last week, my eyes fell upon the movie Twister and I told him, “I saw that when you were a baby in my tummy!” I remembered it as being super exciting and just a touch scary—the perfect fare for an 11-year-old boy, no?
What I didn’t remember was all the language. My word, I get that the Bill Paxton character has a chip on his shoulder and a massive temper to boot, but does he have to punctuate every other sentence with asterisks and exclamation points?
It wasn’t long before I felt really uncomfortable—I was watching the movie with Joe and Jem—and we paused the movie to talk about the language. Eventually my husband, who’s far too much of a twitch to watch a movie he’s seen before, joined us from the other room.
The conversation was enlightening and productive. The boys talked about some of the language they’ve heard at baseball practice, at Scout camp, and when playing football with the kids in the neighborhood. By then it had gotten late. We turned off the television and got ready for bed.
And never did resume the film.
One week later, I am thinking about a conversation I had with Joe that night after everyone else had gone upstairs. He stopped me in the kitchen and confided that he has heard other words—words not in the movie, but that he was pretty sure were bad.
I smiled slightly. “Go ahead,” I said.
“Shit?” he asked.
“Yep, that’s one of them.”
“Damn?”
I nodded.
“Frickin’?”
“Sure.” I smiled again.
“Bleeping?”
This time I tried hard not to laugh.
His voice dropped down a whisper then and his eyes grew wide with summoned courage.
“Fuck?”
My heart melted and broke in one fell swoop. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry; instead, I responded, “Yes, that’s the worst one.”
I felt like I do at the playground when, having scrambled up the jungle gym after my children, I see that word scratched into the plastic. I felt like I do when I’m pushing the stroller past a group of teenagers, and I overhear that word (and several others).
In short, I felt the victim, and I hate feeling the victim.
Now then.
On to my review of a book by Father James Martin. (You know the one, I’m pretty sure. I’ve been talking about it for weeks now.)
My Life With the Saints
And I shared Father’s explanation for his decision in Take 1 of this post.
What I didn’t say outright was this: What really bothered me about some of these people is that they’d always struck me as…
Liberal.
I know. I can be just that shallow.
One of the consequences of my big reversion at the age of 23 was that I began to think in terms of black and white. This line of thinking is good. This line of thinking is bad. This action is Catholic. This action is not. Originally, it was a defense mechanism; I had renounced my past life of mortal sin and I needed clear distinctions.
It should be no surprise to hear, then, that at my first general confession after my reversion, the priest said, “Watch out for pride.”
In my zeal as a Catholic I was becoming a big fat Pharisee.
This post is getting really long and I don’t know that I’ve managed to get to the heart of what I’m trying to say. Here it is (I hope): Like Jesus, Father Martin embraces the imperfect person, which we all are. He doesn’t turn away from them. Referring to Thomas Merton, (one of the “Libs”, I’d always thought with a sniff), Father Martin says, “His life of contradictions and complexities helped me to see that all of us, no matter how crazy our lives seem, can be holy.”
And you know something? His chapter on Father Merton was my favorite.
Certainly there are some things in this book that I’m still wrestling with. For example, Father talks about inviting a theatre friend of his to church. This young man had been raised Catholic but had not been to Mass in years. At Father’s invitation, he showed up at Mass that Sunday…and Father was thrilled to give him communion.
I couldn’t help but be bothered by this. I couldn’t help but think, “He needs to go to confession first!”
It’s black and white thinking. It’s who I am.
Still, I’m a work in progress.
There’s a character in the movie Twister who is a “relationship therapist”. At one point she exclaims to her fiancé, Bill Paxton, “When you said you chased tornadoes, I thought it was a metaphor!” This is how I feel about living my faith out loud.
As a Catholic, I want to run from sin.
Yet as a Catholic, I have to face it.
My husband and I had a chuckle over the conversation with your son. It is good though when they come to us with these things, isn’t it?
I am going to look for that book!
Margaret…
Wow. Really deep subject matter, so early in the morning!
I certainly understand where you’re coming from. When I experienced my conversion…I can’t really call it a “reversion” because I’m not sure I’d ever really been a Christian or Catholic up to that point, based on my past life; I felt that same zeal, the same desire to drag everyone else kicking and screaming, to the place where I was. As though I were perfect.
HA! It’s funny…but I suddenly understood how many missionaries had run rough-shod over the non-believer in their zeal to convert them, forgetting that love is at the heart of all true conversions.
Over the past several years, I’ve found myself becoming what I’d like to think of as a kinder, gentler Catholic. But that said, I think we must remember just what true charity comprises. Loving a sinner is true charity. Allowing him to persist in his sin, is not. When Father invited his young theater friend to Mass…that was an act of charity. To administer the body and blood of our Lord to one in mortal sin, is sacrilege, an abomination and equates the young man “eating and drinking condemnation” upon himself. Now, I’m assuming that this young man was in mortal sin, based on the assumption that somehow he shouldn’t have been receiving, particularly since he hadn’t received in many years…forgive me if my assumption is incorrect!! I have no right to stand in judgment of any man or woman, but have an obligation before God to defend our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.
Charity in its truest form will always consist of making a few really hard “black and white” distinctions.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post!
Okay, so I’m still trying to digest the “book review” part of the post… let’s just say that I feel like we are ‘cut from the same mold’ once again. And, I’m working on it. (that black and white thing, I mean ;-)) My faith formation was SOO weak growing up in the south that I tend to embrace the black and whiteness waaaaaayyy to tight sometimes.
The language thing… OY! It kills me. Literally. It’s like a small part of me dies when my children are exposed to such things. I know, I know, it’s all a part of growing up, blah, blah, blah.. WHATEVER!!
(soap box issue with me– could go on at length..)
For now, I rest in the fact that most of my boys have a great open dialog with us and we are able to use these situations as teaching moments. I’m sure this won’t always be the case, but I’m thankful for it now and will certainly encourage it in the future.
starting to ramble.. at least I think I am.. hard to tell since I’m being barraged by a two yr old to help him ‘woad’ his nerf ‘gung’
I should probably just copy and paste what Kimberly said….
I, too, have become more open, more understanding, and charitable in my old age. I see that true charity will bring souls to Christ, and this world is certainly lacking….
However, there are lines that must not be crossed. And it’s a tricky thing to hold firm to those doctrines while being charitable at the same time…. How can you charitably explain to someone that they are not welcome to partake in Communion?
But, I would argue, it’s like disciplining our children. We love them, but there are consequences to their actions.
If a soul is in mortal sin, he must not ever receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. That is the consequence of his actions. We still love this soul, and The Church will gladly forgive him, but there can never be a compromise on that.
That is, by far, the hardest form of charity to put into practice. But it so essential in coming to a full and true understanding of our Faith.
(whew… now I need some coffee! what a topic to delve into first thing Margaret!)
🙂
Mags, on the language thing — I always just explain to my kids that in many ways, words are neutral, but what makes them “bad” is that a person has taken something beautiful and sacred (sex, the name of our Lord) and tossed it around as if it were a meaningless nothing. Encouraging the kids to say a silent prayer when they hear certain words has been helpful at our house.
Also, I just find it so helpful to not think of faith in terms of “liberal” or “conservative.” Catholicism is what it is. We either live with the teaching authority of the Church or reject it, and there are strict rules on all things essential (funny,last night I wrote about something sort of similar!) but outside of that, there is a lot of room for variation. It’s just that those terms (liberal/conservative) don’t, to my mind, cover those nuances.
About Fr. Martin and his friend, I guess we can’t be sure about whether or not the friend went to confession beforehand? I haven’t read the book, so have no idea how it’s presented or explained.
I was in your shoes with Annie. Annie?! How can you go wrong with Annie, you ask? Well lets just say popcorn in hand, we sat down to watch Carol Brunette get sloshed and hit on every man in site in a VERY suggestive way. How did I not remember that from childhood?
Dearest Margaret,
Though I’ve done my morning prayer, I’m not certain I’ve had enough hot, black coffee to truly digest this post. One thing I do know is that this is where “what would Jesus do?” comes in very handy. We can’t always guess, but mostly we know he loved the sinners the same as the disciples.
My college son is really teaching me that I cannot be so black and white about my faith. What I strive to achieve in myself, holiness, I cannot force on another. While my son still goes to Mass (at least when he’s with me) I know in my heart of hearts he is making choices that I would not choose for him.
I think that as our children get older and we see them make choices, as God gave them free will and they begin to learn that they can be separate from us in their choices, we learn that their choices do not necessarily define them.
All I can say is, it’s much, much easier to be holy for ourselves than to be like Jesus. It’s easier to control our own actions, than to unconditionally accept and love our neighbor.
Today I’m posting something from Divine Intimacy just for you. Only it’s not just for you — we all need it.
You really handled the conversation with your son good. I dread the day that happens in here. 11? That’s not that far off! (bleeping? Maybe a little too much American Idol? haha! We watch too)
I’m black and white too. Is it wrong to be? I have such a strong conscience I cannot be gray with myself.
One other quick thought, and then I really have to go! 🙂
Young children need “black and white” in order to learn. There’s a reason the Church calls age 7 the age of reason. Nuances don’t work with little ones. The older they get, the more complex our teaching becomes.
That doesn’t mean the Church doesn’t have b/w teachings. Some things are just plain wrong. But, how we approach other sinners, never forgetting that we, too, are sinners, is the real question you’re exploring here ….
Regarding movies … my husband and I have struggled with this! Our memories don't include a good remembrance of what was actually 'said' – as if swearing were actually saying something meaningful. In fact, not too long ago, my mom & I sat down to watch a movie that was a fave of my hubbies from college and I think we were both floored by more than the language. It's so easy to forget… So, I tend to over-correct and really don't let the kids watch much. Am I just avoiding the topic? Maybe… that's something for me to think about.
The book sounds interesting to me. However, I also tend to be very black and white – especially for my family and for myself. (Pride has always been a struggle for me; will I ever win that battle?) However, I also realize that people are at different points in their faith life and my variety of friends would attest to that. We are all still learning, so with that in mind I try to keep an open mind about people's actions. I try to not judge too harshly or without compassion and charity. Only God knows all… my recourse is to pray for the priests and people put in my path.
Don’t you just cringe inside when you hear those words? It seems like the world (movies especially) is made up of kids (and adults acting like kids) who need to have a potty mouth to feel grown up.
By the way, I loved the winter wonderland pregnancy picture. You are a beautiful mom-to-be. I am in Florida so all that snow is awesome!
Well, being a rather potty-mouthed individual myself, and being married to a sailor (yes, for real) . . . it makes me cringe even more to know that I most likely formed my children’s vocabulary and it is a BIG issue in our home at the moment. My eldest (almost fifteen) said hell twice this AM and I told him, simly, that for cussing, there is never a “time and place” for it. We will hear it, but we shouldn’t use it. Black and white. My hubs and I are both working hard on cutting the cussing out. It isn’t easy.
Our kids slay us, don’t they? I think because cannot save them from their choices all the time. That’s why we need to keep asking God for more GRACE. For us. For them. Keep praying for them.
I may have to check out that book now that you’ve piqued my interest. As a convert, and as a person who likes to know exactly what the membership rules are, black and white is so for me. But, like you said, we need to be able to embrace the sinner as much as Christ embraces the sinner – which is all of us. Sin is sin is sin – and God loves us all regardless.
I read your blog because I am a liberal catholic TRYING to be more charitable toward conservatives. I see liberals as acting more like Jesus and am sometimes angered by conservatives’ blindness towards what is obvious to me. Often your blog helps me to understand the commonalities between us, and I especially appreciate posts like this where you reveal your thought process on these kind of matters. However, it still seems obvious to me that Jesus would give of himself to the theatre man.
Gloria
Margaret, they are going to censor you today LOL! I had to chuckle when I read that conversation, because I had the same one with my youngest son when he was about your son’s age.
Be Well,
Joan
When I first read through this post and remembered that particular movie also. I laughed and giggled so hard at your courage to dig deeper into the conversation afterwards. I can’t believe you got away with posting THAT WORD on here….LOL Okay, so I’ve also had those conversations, been there, done that myself as we’ve raised our own children here, hitting it all head on when it comes up or a fitting time to bring it up. Things really do become black and white, never gray in situations such as these and I feel our children appreciate us for our candidness (sp?). I find some of our bluntest conversations have later saved me from much grief over time as the older ones refer to those moments for their mother’s tidbits.
I must also tell you how much I have enjoyed all your posts lately, especially the invasion of the body snatchers…LOL You are such a good mommy. God bless..
You are shocking today. Just shocking! My eyes! I can’t even begin to comment on all this, but my daughter thinks “fudge” is a bad word because of the way I use it. She thinks intending to swear is as bad as the real thing. I think she’s probably right.
P.S. The confession thing would have bugged me too. Maybe not “bugged” me but puzzled me certainly.
I haven’t read the book – but I assume the man who came up for Communion either didn’t know himself to be in mortal sin, or didn’t know the rule about not coming to Communion in that state? In which case, he’s ignorant … and it’s not like the priest can pause and explain in front of the whole church why he shouldn’t come to Communion.
I once asked our deacon about a similar situation — I know that if I invite this person to Mass, (a lapsed Catholic) they’ll probably go to Communion. So what do I do? He basically said invite them and don’t worry about it. After they hear a few homilies, they’ll figure out what they need to do. Better that than don’t invite them, or invite them in such a way they are too embarrassed to come. FWIW.
Dear Margaret,
The Peace of Christ!
A friend sent me the link to your question. (Don’t worry: I’m not spying!) We were taught in sacramental theology not to refuse anyone the sacrament of the Eucharist if that person presents himself or herself for two reasons: first, there is always the possibility, however remote, that the person ran into a priest on the way into church and made a good confession; and second, in a related reason, you could unjustly damage a person’s reputation before the community were you to publicly deny the person, who might have just made a good confession.
So it really is up to the communicant to be in a state of grace. Unless he is a notorious sinner, the priest has no idea of his inner life. (And even the notorious sinner could have a few minutes before gone to confession.)
Anyway, I think it’s a fairly good rule, which basically gives people the benefit of the doubt.
Please do keep me in your prayers!
Peace,
Jim Martin, SJ
If I was a good girl and labeled my entries maybe I could find the one where Colin was trying to guess what word we had heard that started with “B” that I did not want him to repeat. He came up with a worse one. I’ll tell you the story on our date.
Margaret you should give yourself more credit.I think you’ve gotten quite good at embracing liberals lately 😉
Here’s the thought that occurs to me as my family and I have been trying to get to confession more often …
The thing that ought to blow me away is not that the young man in your story had the temerity to present himself for communion … but that *I* do.
I guess, sadly, that ought to be scandal enough for anybody.
Wonderful post and comments Margaret and ladies.
Two things –
1. You can evaluate all movies at CommonSenseMedia and get a good idea on where they stand on sex, language and other questionables.
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/movie-reviews/Twister.html
2. LOVED the Father Jim link on Colbert and we should pray regularily and frequently for them, the are TARGETS for the evil one. I HIGHLY recommend taking this booklet – http://www.opusangelorum.org/Passio/Chaliceofstrength.html to your Holy hour. They need us committed to prayer for them.
Visit me if you want one, Margaret. I will not publish your mailing address if you send it in the comment. 🙂
Woah. This topic is, well…. volatile as Twister, the movie, and entangling as Twister, the game. One we’ve battled through, as trads (one re-vert, one convert) our whole adult lives — that “righteousness” thing.
Gosh ~ not enough room here for everything that floods into my mind on this… But, in a nutshell, we’ve started to learn that proper discernment is the key to learning what is truly Catholic and what is someone’s idea of propriety; what is truly sinful and what is imprudence. The first rule of charity is to judge the sin and not the sinner, of course. But, especially when you’re trying to raise up good Catholic kids, those blurry lines can be a handicap. As parents, it’s so much better that some things be absolutely definitive, but it’s not always possible.
Say, for instance, there’s a child in the neighborhood that uses the “f” word. Easy. We don’t play with that child.
But, say beloved Uncle Sowandso also uses bad language. What then? It can’t be right to disown Papa’s brother for that. So, after Mama and Papa have a serious talk with the uncle, they have to explain to the children that, though it’s rude and ungentleman-like, Uncle’s foul mouth is not necessarily sinful (Depends on what he says…). “But,” we have to tell the kids, “WE don’t say those words, children, or we get our mouths washed out with soap. (And maybe Uncle will have that happen to him, too)”
Bummer is that this apparent double-standard does blur the line and set up problems for children. A 5-y.o. will never understand it, and a 12 y.o. will rebel against it. But, then again, bad language is not necessarily sinful, so it’s not as important to carve the line in the sidewalk on it, maybe. Or, hmmm… IS it?
But then, there’s this: Say Uncle Sowandso wants to spend the night at our house with a girlfriend and share a room? Easy. Definitive. We have to tell said uncle, “Absolutely not,” and explain to the nephews and neices that that behaviour is sinful — and that we are starting a novena for Uncle S right now…
To make a long comment longer :o): I think that putting your foot down about sinful/bad behaviour is sometimes pride, sometimes charity. Discerning between the two is the trick… Figuring out how to handle each sitution is another trick. And neither trick can be accomplished without knowledge of the Church’s teachings, help from Heaven, and tons of humility…
Blessings, Margaret! This is great stuff to work out. (It’s like an endless puzzle, all of it…)
I had to comment on the post with the Colbert Report and Fr. Martin. Hilarious and well done Fr. Martin!
This is a pretty late post, but I was drawn here by your mention of Father Jim Martin (who, full disclosure, is my brother–not only in Christ, but my brother-brother!)
I tend to agree that you can’t pigeonhole Catholic teaching into “conservative” or “liberal” boxes. The “average American” would probably judge the Church’s teaching on marriage, sexuality, abortion, the sacraments, etc. as (no surprise) conservative.
But a stereotypical “conservative” voter might pass out when he/she hears the Church’s position on the poor, immigration, the dignity of work, the Iraq war, healthcare, the environment, etc.
Obviously, though church teachings don’t change (or change verrry slooowly), views of what’s “liberal” and what’s “conservative” change pretty quickly. Let me quote our friend Stephen Colbert when he discussed (among other things) Richard Nixon on “Meet the Press” a few years ago:
“(Nixon) was so liberal! Look at what he was running on. He started the EPA. He gave 18-year-olds the vote. His issues were education, drugs, women, minorities, youth involvement, ending the draft, and improving the environment. John Kerry couldn’t have run on this!”