I am down in the kitchen at 3:30 a.m., munching nervously on a bowl of grapes and cut-up banana. I’ve had a bad dream. I can’t sleep.
Normally I am not one to place much stock in dreams, despite their significance in the Bible and to psychologists. Most of my dreams are just too weird, and I usually chalk it all up to stress or the cheesecake (ahem) that I ate before retiring.
This dream, though, was jarring on so many levels that I simply have to write it down.
We were driving along, the kids and I, when I noticed a car in my rear view mirror. It was steadily gaining on me and seemed ominous, perhaps because it was nighttime and the driver had not turned on his headlights. As I was slowing down to take the on-ramp onto the highway, I jumped to see a policeman sitting in the passenger’s seat next to me. (Irrational dream bit begins here.) He was writing out a ticket but it was not a ticket; rather, it was his opinion—about me—written down on one of his citation forms.
The gist of his point of view was this: I was ruining my life by staying home with my five children.
I tried to get him to explain himself but he was gone. And then I saw that while I had been interacting with the Houdini policeman in my front seat, the boys had left the car (we were in a car, which again makes no sense) and were now returning.
They looked upset—greatly disturbed, even—and they were accompanied by an Hispanic kid who stood at the door and looked menacing. Jem looked as if he’d been crying, and when I looked closely I saw that he’d been hit in the face.
At that point the dream became a nightmare. I tried to get the boys into the car—I tried to lock it—but none of this was happening any time soon. You know how dreams can be. The last thing I remember before waking up is Joe walking away from the car and looking back at me.
He looked really sad…but still he went.
There are a couple of “themes” at play here. The first of them is the policeman’s opinion that I am ruining my life by staying home with my children. I am quick to dismiss that one, but I know from whence it comes. It’s that age-old attitude of the world outside my doors:
“Boy, you sure have your hands full.”
“I could never homeschool.”
“Are all those yours?”
Yet underneath my quick dismissal is a very real fear—one that stems from my many insecurities and a fair share of temptation—that I am ruining my children. That I’m not good enough to be their teacher. That I’m too impatient, too demanding, too disorganized, too me.
Perhaps that’s why in this dream my fear of failure was linked to another two of my anxieties—that of the children getting hurt and of their leaving. It pains me to think of either! And yet, I do think about it…
…to what end? What good do such anxieties do me? I can do little to prevent either occurrence, really, and in the latter case—that of their growing up and leaving—I shouldn’t try to prevent it. That would just be weird!
Anyway, this post is getting a little deep now. You are probably not standing at your computer, nervously chewing grapes and cut-up banana, while thinking about the policeman in your dream. But you may have the same fears as me, and as such, we can pray for and support each other.
After all, many of our fears are just a dream.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
I was up too! Reading my googlereader, unnatended since we were out of town for Easter.
Counting on you at the MN conference’s bloggers session!
Oh, my. I had chills. The bad kind.
I’ll pray for you,if only to make this yucky feeling go away!! 🙂
I wonder the exact same things you described–am I really the best teacher for my children? (“Too me.” That hits home. But then I honestly think that God gave me these kids precisely *because* I’m “me” and He liked the way “I” would raise them–if I turned to Him, first, of course.) When I get impatient with the kids, I wonder, what would I think of a teacher at school who would’ve just used that tone with my child? And I question this choice all over again.
I’m not utterly confident that homeschooling will always and forever be the best choice for my kids; I guess prayer and experience and time will tell.
But if God wanted me to change our family’s course, a nightmare wouldn’t do it for me. It’d upset me like crazy, but I can’t imagine recognizing His voice in the middle of something like that. I’d rather listen for the still small voice, and the peace that follows making the right call.
And you’ve inspired me to renew that as my focus.
Margaret:
You’re right. Not at 3:30 a.m., anyway…mine was more of the “in hiding because homeschooling had been declared illegal in the U.S.” kind of dream. Watching my friends getting “rounded up”. More of a “movie of the week” fear-fest.
Egads! The devil is quite a busy guy, disturbing the few hours of rest a busy mom so desperately needs. Lies, lies and more lies.
May you have peace (and rest) today!
I see I didn’t comment on your actual post… and yet we’re in the midst of talking, husband and I, about all this. Spring is always a time for re assessing. Bad, anxious, sleepless nights do not help. Put the fruit away and try warming up some milk! 🙂 Helps every time! And remember that dreams many times mean little else that a reflection of our own anxieties. Praying for you!
I have panic attacks (real ones) that I am ruining my children too. I haven’t found any peace about that just yet, but I pray we all do. Hugs.
So sorry to hear of your dream. But glad to know I am not alone in my anxieties. Sometimes I think it just has to do with really wanting to provide our children with a different kind of childhood than we had and feeling inadequate in accomplishing that due to our own life experiences. I am heavily working on casting my anxieties on the Lord and reminding myself that He believes I am capable, if I rely on Him, because He chose me as their mother. Motherhood appears to be a constant work in progress!
I don’t know what to say because I don’t homeschool, but I will tell you that I worry that my not doing so is ruining my kids. We live on the very campus where my husband works and my children attend school, But I just had this anxiety a few weeks back that they are facing a world that is just too harsh for such innocent souls regardless of how close we are in proximity to them. I just can’t protect them from others when they are not with me. I can only arm them with the seeds of our faith that God willing will take root and blossom at the right times in their lives. I actually got a lot of consolation from one of your post about prayer. I think it was from your conversion story, Praying constantly and specifically for our children…. By the way will you finish that story? I want to hear the good part.
I was struck yesterday when reading this coming Sunday’s gospel with our kids. The apostles are consumed with fear and the resurrected Lord appears several times to them – He greets them saying, “Peace be with you.” Over and over again, He says to those scared apostles, “Peace be with you.”
I’m certain that’s what He wants for us in this Easter season. Peace in our homes, peace in our hearts. And joy too! I pray that He will pour that grace and peace out on you, dear Margaret! He would not want anything else for you!!!
Margaret,
This is going to sound really strange to you, but I was also dreaming of policemen in my dream last night. Although he wasn’t in my car, he did pull me over. I think it was for speeding but I’m not sure. Then, I drove to work (school) and parked on the wrong side of the street. It was weird. Then, the fire drill bell kept going off. It must have been “the night of dreams “. I ate some leftover fritta from Easter morning before I went to bed last night.
Oh Margaret, what a nightmare!!! You are most certainly NOT ruining your children, think of the alternatives!! It’s Easter Week, the highest holiest time of our year, the devil abounds in great force right now. Pray, rest, hug those kiddos tight, they’re not going anywhere :))) Love you!
((((HUGS))))) … I’m sorry you had such a scary nightmare. I was up too with a very restless night, but I was lucky enough to not remember my dream.
You are a wonderful mommy who cares so deeply for your children. I think it is normal to always wonder if you are doing the very best for them. If you didn’t, then you would probably be too at ease with the way things are and that is not always a good thing.
Dreams about ruining our kids lives are so daunting. It is exactly those kinds that leave us feeling “off” a lot longer than any other kind of dream.
You are a wonderful mother who would do anything for your kids. Let the phrase “peace be with you” carry you through the day and night until you DO feel God’s peace surrounding you.
Blessings to you, Margaret!
Praying for you. The verse that comes into my mind is “peace that surpasses understanding” so I had to look it up…
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.”
Philipians 4:4-9
Wow, I think it just shows the pressures as homeschooling mothers. We are responsible for so much. Forget Catholic guilt, never had that one, (we have confession) but mommy guilt, that one I am much familiar with!
Prayers for you today!
O.k. I commented under my son’s identity again (above). Duh.
Peach and I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant today and my fortune (not really a fortune) said “Your dreams are never silly.” Hmmm.
Grab your kids and hug them and love them. I think most of my bad dreams about the children stem from my fear of eventually losing them — probably just to growing up, but you never know. A mother’s mind is a complicated thing.
“After all, many of our fears are just a dream.”
That’s so true – but it’s funny how bad dreams are still so upsetting even if they’re just dreams. I had a really bad one the other night -I don’t remember what it was – but I woke up with really bad chest pains. I’ve never experienced anything like that before – must have been too much adrenaline – but I didn’t go back to sleep because I was in too much pain. (Which was a bit scary in itself – I had a weak feeling in my chest for the rest of the day.) I know the dream was something about not having a place to live or something like that – worrying about my boys (finances are a mess right now, and we’ve already foreclosed on a house) – but that’s just a lack of trust in God on my part. It’s frustrating because I don’t have much control over my dreams when I’m dreaming them – my husband always says something really clever like, “Why don’t you just fly away – it’s your dream.” LOL!
I’ve had a lot of bad dreams where my boys are “taken away” by someone or some circumstance – but those didn’t get really bad until we had the two babies we were going to adopt removed and returned to their birthmom after being with us for a year. So I know those dreams are just related to dealing with that kind of loss – feeling like I’m not a good enough mom etc. Mother guilt is quite the far-reaching phenomenon.
I’ll offer a prayer for everyone who commented today – May God watch over us and our children…
Peace (and rest) be with you,
~Jenny
That’s a dream to wake you up, isn’t it? Praying for you, Margaret. I find myself constantly questioning if I’m good enough to even BE my children’s mother much less their teacher. The glimpses you have given us (the good and the bad) show what a wonderful thoughtful mother you are.
Scary dream, no wonder you had to get up.
I always get the “daymares” where you start worrying about crazy things that will never happen: car gets stalled on the train tracks and the train is coming and I can’t get all the kids out and who do I choose.
They get bad especially when I’m pregnant and sometimes keep me awake for hours. I have to consciously tell myself to give all the anxiety to God, trust Him, pray to my children’s guardian angels, and realize it is just another way of Satan working on me.
May you find peace today!
Janet
Margaret,
Someone once told me that no good thoughts happen at 3 am in the morning. I’m sorry for your nightmare. I hate when that happens to me. About being a good mother, I think it’s a good sign that you question whether or not you are a good mother. It’s the mothers who THINK and BELIEVE that they are the BEST mothers, those are the ones who I avoid at all cost.
Boy, that’s a lot to have one’s heart. I have to say I nodded my head at the “too me” part. I think that the devil plays so, so much on our insecurities. Like the bully at school, who pushes you down, sits on you, and chants these horrible things at you. Points out all your weak points, your flaws, and says, “What did you think? That you could actually educate your own children? And having five kids? Are you nuts?” And with every impatient word, every huff we give when we’ve been asked another question or for another cup of juice, every late night, every day we have where the laundry doesn’t get done, the schoolwork falls behind, is a chance for us to look up and think, “He’s right. What was I thinking”. But this is not from God. He is not of this world, and His ways are not our ways, and I’m coming to the realization these days (because I struggle much with what you struggle with, but a wise and wonderful woman named Jennie has helped me see things through the eyes of faith and a mother’s heart) that this is not what God wants for us. What you are doing, raising those beautiful, beautiful kids of yours is your glorious crown in heaven. You have to make a daily effort to shut out the noises, the opintions, the comments of the world, and listen only to His. His are sweeter, more loving, and coat your weary heart with the divine balm it needs. He loves you so. Trust in Him always. Lots of love to you. We will all get through this, and to heaven, together! Where, we can chat and have coffee for eternity. 🙂
My thoughts are with you. Know that you are not alone. That is why I love to blog and read all those wonderful womens blogs out there because it is hard to live and love our faith.
My thoughts are with you. Know that you are not alone. That is why I love to blog and read all those wonderful womens blogs out there because it is hard to live and love our faith.
Jen~
Although intended not for me, your beautiful words were the exact encouragement I needed this day. Praise God for the Body of Christ! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I so, so, so needed to read that. Blessings to you and yours this day!
You got it Kristen! I feel the same way from the thoughts you ladies post here. Thanks be to God indeed for the blessing of each other. 🙂
Oh, Margaret, I just now read this.
Hugs to you, and prayers for happier, more peaceful dreams tonight … dreams that reflect your beautiful reality. 🙂