An Ordinary Post by an Ordinary Gal: the Third and Final Post in this Series
Warning: it is the intention of this series to deal head-on with the crippling effects of selfishness, envy and depression. If you yourself are more consistently prone to selflessness, joy and optimism, you may want to just move on.
III. Depression
Well, it is time to pull up our collective socks and talk depression.
I have to because I’ve said that I would, and because—this may go down as the biggest “No Kidding!” moment in the history of this blog—I’ve been known to be prone to depression.
Believe it or not, I take this seriously!
And this is why, having suffered the first real bout of it since the inception of this journal, I need to write about it.
So here goes.
I am one of the weird ones who suffers from depression not after the baby gets here but before. It has come and gone in varying degrees throughout my pregnancies and at times, required treatment.
I have never suffered from harmful behavior or suicidal tendencies, thanks be to God, just an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
Which is an extremely yucky feeling, let me tell you.
And if you’ve never suffered from depression, you just don’t get it. But if you have? You totally do.
Clear as mud?
I am going to be completely honest with you here. I have to be. And if I can help just one person through the mental torture of her depression—of the sort that I went through this past Saturday—it will have been worth it.
Depression, in my opinion, stems from an extremely disordered sense of self. You no longer consider who you are in the light of God but rather, who you are in the light of…nothing. There is total darkness, and near despair.
Forget about doing the dishes. Forget about reading a story to the kids. (Or if you do, you don’t do the voices. Sigh.) You really are rendered quite helpless.
You cry a lot.
You just sit there a lot.
You feel pathetic.
So. What brings about this mental torture? For me, it is almost always the same progression: selfishness, envy, (of all that you feel you’re lacking), sadness, depression.
The trigger can be anything, really: a slight that you feel you were given, a lack of attention, fatigue. (Hormones, too, can play their part, as well as a certain chemical predisposition. I’ll address that in a minute.)
Instead of working to resolve one’s problem, however, by talking (and listening!) to your husband, by phoning a friend or a family member, by praying or by resting, you dwell on your (perceived) problems and exacerbate them.
You really do. You take the original problem and you start to add to it exponentially. Every past grievance is remembered, rehashed, and regurgitated. Why, for example, haven’t my friends been phoning me? (That one goes both ways, of course.) And why haven’t my sisters been in touch? Why isn’t my husband attending to my every sigh right now? He mustn’t love me. Why am I homeschooling? I can’t teach. Why am I a mother? I can’t parent.
And so on.
Such is the way of the dark one and of the sadness he imposes.
It’s…depression.
On Saturday I tried to counter the waves of negativity by singing loud cheerful rounds of “Nobody loves me! Everybody hates me! I think I’ll go eat worms!”
…to no avail. In the end I just needed time, I guess, as well as a good night’s sleep, an awesome Holy Hour, and the grace of the Mass the following morning.
Given that it only took one day, I slipped in and out of this particular instance with relative ease. Let me assure you, however: if the feelings do NOT go away, you should seek treatment.
Because, according to the website PSYCOM.net, “Depression is not something you can just ‘snap out of.’ It’s caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition, depression needs to be treated.”
Now, without being in any way an expert on the subject, I will say that in addition to the chemical imbalance listed above, I think there are certain other factors that predispose certain individuals to depression. They include:
· A family history of depression
· A personal history of substance abuse
· A lack of prayer
· A lack of grace
What’s funny (every pun intended) and very helpful for me to consider is that the depression I’ve personally experienced has gotten to be more and more sporadic with every new baby that comes. First, there’s just a ton more love and laughter in the family. Hugs and kisses are very therapeutic.
Also, I think that in a way I’m just “too busy to be depressed,” as my mother used to say. (Of course, it annoyed me at the time of her having said so. Such is so often the case with one’s mother and her wisdom!)
But it’s true. The busier we are, the less time we have to dwell on all our problems.
In the words of one of my very favorite saints, Fr. Josemaría Escrivà:
Sadness and uneasiness grow in proportion to the time you waste. When you feel a holy impatience to use every minute you will be filled with joy and peace, because you will not be thinking about yourself (Furrow, 510).
Ironically, the wasting of time hits a depressed person from both sides. It gives them more time to dwell on their problems while at the same time it generates even more problems: dirty dishes and laundry, neglected children, unprepared meals, etc.
So having said all this, what do I actually do when the depression descends despite my best intentions?
I turn to the following:
· Acts of charity
· Acts of humility (i.e. saying you’re sorry)
· Prayer (as much as possible)
· Reception of the sacraments (as much as possible)
· Medication (to the extent that it is necessary. I ask my doctor.)
· An awesome husband
· Exercise (It’s a serotonin thing.)
· Talking through it
Above all, and this is something that is drilled home every time I follow the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, in times of desolation and darkness, I never make a change.
This is not to say that a change isn’t what is needed because it might be. I just wait to make it until once again I’m at peace.
(On an interesting side note, in recent times of sadness I am always tempted to hit the “Delete It” button on my blog. Because, of course, my blog is “worthless.”)
I repeat, in times of desolation, never make a change! You must use what St. Ignatius calls the “Discernment of Spirits.” An abbreviated version would be this: God induces consolation and fills the soul with peace. The devil induces desolation, and fills the soul with darkness.
I highly recommend reading this document, but for now I’ll just quote the following: “Whenever the devil is tempting a soul, he earnestly desires that his wiles and seductions be received and kept secret. As long as a person keeps the temptations to himself, the devil can easily overcome his resistance and lead him into sin.”
I am certain that this can be applied to one’s depression because the absolutely hardest thing to do when I’m depressed is to admit it.
In times of darkness, turn the light on! Tell your husband, tell a friend, talk to a priest. (And if you’re a truly hopeless extrovert like myself, blog about it!) Do not struggle through this on your own because that is the dark one’s goal, specifically, to isolate you from all that’s most important: your family, your friends, your spouse and of course, your happiness.
Is all of this easy to do, when gripped by depression? Emphatically I say no! The decision to act on one’s depression—to will against it and actively fight it—is probably the single hardest step you’ll have to take.
It’s also the most crucial.
Some of us prone to depression.
It’s what we do with it that gets us through it!
(((MARGARET))) … many cyber hugs to you as you try to get through this.
I don’t think I have ever read anything that spoke to me that way. I have so many of those same tendencies for depression. I am going to look over some of those links within your post.
My prayers are with you …
{hugs} from here too. I am blessed to be relatively free from depression. My husband has a family history of it – his mother and brother suffer tremendously. It is so foreign to me, I really don’t get it. But I see them suffer, and I pray for their healing and comfort. For yours too!
Thank you! Thank you! I struggled w/ depression/post partum when I had my first child 2 yrs ago. As we await the arrival of our second baby in April, I sometimes find myself dreading the return of the depression that may follow this Little One’s arrival. Your post has given me renewed hope that I can, with help, not be overcome this go around.
Margaret, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I, too, do not have depression, but my husband suffers from it, as do many friends, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for the heartfelt, humble post today.
My prayers are with you and all who suffer from this terrible illness.
Thank you Margaret. It seems like it’s the one thing no one will talk about. I’ve been there after both babies for loooong periods of time. I’m sorry for you right now and you will be in my prayers. I just really appreciate you having the courage to say something about this. I don’t yet.
Excellent post. I mean, excellent series of posts.
Margaret, I have depression during the last three months of pregnancy. It goes away at birth and then comes back at about a year PP. I think it is hormonal for me.
I want you to know that I am praying for you and applaud you for posting about a tough and personal topic.
Love,Rebecca
Margaret, you have a precious spirit. From one mother to another, your ideas are right on the mark…prayer and works of charity do wonders for “sad” times.
St. Josemaria is one of my favorite saints too. It’s difficult to be sad, if we are looking outward.
God’s Blessings on your family.
Your Montana friend. (My husband is from ND.) Rose ~ mother to 10~ (one in heaven).
You have my prayers too, Margaret. Thanks be to God you know where to turn for consolation. So many do not.
Thanks for sharing your story. I didn’t know this was something you struggled with. I am going through it now, always do after my babies, and I can’t until it is over because it can be quite a cross to carry. Reading this made me realize that I’m not alone…now I just can’t wait to exericse! It always helps.
I am prone to depression and knowing, too, and struggled mightily with it after the births of #1 and #4 children. Both preganancies were my most difficult, too.
I think I’ll print your post out now and keep it. I know envy has been something I’ve been dealing with as well. I always feel better after confession.
Hugs to you, Margaret!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your very insightful and honest series. I had my husband read them and he was very touched. I think it is nice for him to know that his wife isn’t the only one who has some of these issues to deal with.
Thank you for this great and honest post. I think I should bookmark it for next time I need it!
I also suffered from “pre-partum depression”. I remember reading that it’s as common as post partum.
Praying for you.
Beautiful post, Margaret, and excellent advice. I totally get it. 🙂 And, one never goes wrong with St. Ignatius. Perfect.
I don’t think I’ve ever commented on your blog before, but I wanted to let you know that I had a lightbulb moment while reading this.
I’ve struggled with depression in the past. Your post opened my eyes to the fact that it’s happening again. You also gave me some tips to be more proactive in dealing with it.
Thank you.
The bout of depression I had when my last child was almost 2 was purely hormonal, and very very scary. Sometimes, it just can’t be fought against… no matter how hard you will it.
Sorry if it appears that I’m dissenting, but in my own personal experience and the few women I’ve known who suffered PP depression, it was because of hormones and not because of a lack of prayer or trust in God. And they (and me) felt guilty because we simply couldn’t “beat it”, even though we were super busy going about doing God’s work in our families…we were just doing it through the blinding tears and feeling of helplessness.
Sometimes only a shot of progesterone works, and then it’s almost miraculous!
I have to add, though, Margaret, that I know you weren’t talking about the kind of depression I had experienced, and I admire you for sharing your experience with us. I’m sorry if I got on my soapbox a little about this. It’s an issue that is close to my heart…
Lots of hugs and blessings to you!
‘Meg said: Sometimes, it just can’t be fought against… no matter how hard you will it.
‘Meg, I do agree with you! That’s why I have no problem admitting that my own depression required medication at times. The speed with which it went away after a week or so clearly indicated to me that I was dealing with something physical rather than spiritual.
God bless you, dear!
And thank you to EVERYONE who shared her thoughts, ideas & experiences on this most personal of subjects!
My depression is bi-polar & trated with lithium. so whilst it feels like a dark night of the soul & desolation it just needs medication, anti-depressants & mood-stabilisers.
It is most definitely due to a lack of prayer or grace & i find it hurtful that people would think it was the depressed persons fault..do you see what i mean?
God bless
Your writing is so truthful and encouraging! You have a real gift ! Thank you for allowing yourself to be so transparent for all of us to learn through your experiences which have obviously been prayerfully reflected. ST Josemaria is one of my fav saints! I have a blog if you would be so kind to look at when u can…peaceamidstchaos.blogspot.com
Thank you! Hope
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