You know what? I’ve decided I’m fine with being fat.
So what if I’m ten (or fifteen) pounds overweight? So what if the online assessments agree with me? I’m tired; I’m stressed; I need my escapes.
At least, that’s how I’m feeling this week.
We went home to North Dakota on Easter Sunday. I didn’t take any pictures with my camera this time; instead, I wrote the pictures on my heart. My mom…smiling shyly, moving slowly, not talking. Her chair at the table is by the sliding glass doors, and once, when my 4-year-old bounced over to go out, he tugged at the handle but it was locked.
“Get it for him, will you?” my father said, but Mom just looked at the door and, seeming confused, murmured softly. “Ah heck, Ma,” my dad remarked. He snapped open the lock and George bounded out.
I cried a lot at home this time. I cried when my dad pulled a fifty out of his wallet, and with one shaking hand, held it out to me. “For a little treat on the way home,” he said. I cried in the bathroom that I knew growing up, with the same dusty knickknacks on the shelf above the toilet. I cried at the thought of saying goodbye.
“You’re in the ‘letting go’ phase right now,” my doctor told me. “I see a lot of women your age that are.”
My parents are ready to leave this world; my oldest son leaves for college in one short year; my toddler, my four-year-old and butter sustain me.
In short, it’s a very hard time to be dieting.
So. No scale shots or link-up this week because frankly, I don’t have much for you in the way of encouragement. I know I feel better when I’m eating “right” and exercising, and I know that–God willing and grace providing–I’ll hop back on the treadmill soon.
In short, I know I feel better when I fight the good fight.
I know that I have to. I pray that I can.
Related:
- In the Easter Season (My post from last year. In a word, detachment.)
Dear Margaret, You have nothing that you should feel you must explain to your readers. We all experience life with all its changes . Not all changes bring rejoicing. But change we must. Thank you for your openness. In fact, the rest of us , who are also facing change in our formerly calm-seeming lives, thank you for it. God Bless !
Sylvia
I am sorry Margaret. Praying for your Mom and you today.
Oh, Maggie. I'm crying tears of love for you right now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I'll bring you to Mass and Adoration with me.
Such hard hard things. Do what you can when you can, and don't worry about that butter.
Love to you sweet friend.
and ((((hugs))))
You are so right. Some thing are really important and others are not especially right now. Love yourself and let your family love you. That's all that really matters. I hope you can get to your parent's house again soon. Margaret, you will be strong enough. You are much stronger than you think. Prayers for you.
It is always those left behind and memories of times gone by that we grieve. But know, Jesus is there to make us whole and when we go on to see him-there will be no more struggling, no more tears. Life is so good, even when it is so hard. You are doing amazing! I think you have your priorities straight 🙂
I love you. Yes. Love.
Praying for you, Margaret. My kids are still small; my parents are in their 60's; but on my Easter visit home to them it suddenly struck me how short our time with each other really is. Letting go has always bothered me, and I'm already seeing it on the horizon. Don't be too hard on yourself.. sometimes butter (and chocolate. and coffee or tea) is the only available solution to problems too big to be "solved".
Margaret, You are a lovely woman, inside and out. Definitely one feels better when eating healthy and exercise, but sometimes taking care of yourself means being gentle and focusing on the most important things.
I'm totally with you….I cannot add the stress of dieting to everything else. I'm healthy and my numbers all look good, so I'm just going to try when I can and eat what I want when I can't. God bless!
Aw, Margaret, you've gone and got me all teary eyed. I wish I could hug you, I really do. Take your time and don't fret about what you need not worry about (your weight and butter) during this time. This season is meant for something else for you right now. Cling to what you must, love and be loved and know that many of us are holding you up in prayer.
I've been reading your blog for many years. I know that I don't comment often, but I just had to today. I feel your heavy heart many days too. Hugs to you Margaret … you are not alone. I'll leave you with a great song I heard the other day while alone in the car (rare moment) … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9UfRQUf64U&feature=share
Oh, how I can relate to your post today. Both my parents and my children are similar in age to yours. In the past year I lost my mom, we placed dad in a memory care center, sent our oldest to college and moved across the country. This "letting go" phase is hard. Sending lots of hugs your way.
It doesn't matter if you are 10 or 15 #s overweight. You are right. You are right to let it go this week knowing it was not the time nor the place for that type of pressure. It is OK to move on, it is OK to forget about that goal for a moment. You did the right thing. I am one of the people who cannot let that mindset go and pray daily for sheer acceptance of MYSELF. It will come.
Your parents sound lovely, letting go is never easy. I am sending and saying prayers for you. My dad died when I was 13 and to be honest the letting go phase still isn't over.
Just please always be thankful you have the parents that you do. Not all of us can say that…so always when sadness comes…say Thank you Dear Lord for my loving parents.
I sometimes cannot wrap my mind about my first born graduating and leaving this fall for college…I think I am in denial. I like having all my kids home. Life is too short to worry about not eating butter. Just eat right and treat your self a little…it is all good.
Your description of your dad handing you the 50.00 with a shaking hand for treats on the way home really touched me. That is something my 89 year old dad would have done just a couple of years ago before his memory problems. Glad you put it all into words, that is something I am not good at. I am 62 years old and we have parents the same age.
I have been reading your blog for a long time…you are a strong women more then you know. I will keep you in my prayers as well as your family….just remember we all have to walk through the valley many times in life but that walking is key to coming out into the light, Keep strong and don't be so hard on yourself,,,enjoy your butter and comfort foods…the weight will come off in due time. xoxo
Yeah… I'm with you, right there. My 75 year old mom & 87 year old stepfather just moved 3,000 miles away from my family– they headed to a retirement community in the same town with my younger brother and his family. Until last week, they lived in walking distance from our home. My brother is in a better position to help them out and my stepfather misses his son terribly (as does my mom), so it is the best choice for them. But my heart aches with losing them, with stressful times my own family is facing, and with knowing that our older daughter has just one year left at home. It is a hard season of life.