The first one is me, the latter one’s my husband. I’m going to talk about both, however, because I’m a blogger and that’s what I do.
Unfortunately I haven’t had a whole lot of energy for blogging lately. I haven’t wanted to get up and pray; haven’t wanted to get up and write; haven’t wanted to get up and exercise. You’re thinking, who does? (want to exercise, that is) I do, if I can find my shoes.
(The odds of that one are 50-50. My running shoes conspire against me.)
So I’m going to try to keep this short and cheerful because, well, being cheerful is always better. If you lean in close, though, I’ll tell you a secret: That’s not at all how I feel on the inside. I have to make what’s called an act of the will.
It will be four weeks on Friday since my husband’s been out of work. Talk about a perspective shift! I thought my life was overwhelming when we had money; well, that was nothing compared to being broke. Suddenly I have to care about finances which I have not really had to do before.
I have, you could say, led a privileged life.
I will give you one example of the “me” that I was—an example that will probably make you gasp. Before this unemployment thing happened, I was more-or-less oblivious to the cost of things. There were many, many times at the grocery store where I would pay for my items—swipe my card, get the receipt—and I would not even glance at the total amount.
Did you gasp?
And do you not think that God is using my husband’s job loss to work on me? He must be, because yesterday—by contrast—I went through the Burger King drive-through and ordered a medium Diet Coke. (It was after lunch and my reserves were flagging.) The lady said, “Sure! It’ll be $2.13 at the first window.”
“Did you say $2.13?” I asked. “Never mind. I changed my mind.”
“Okay,” she said, chirpy but clueless. “Have a good day!”
This, then, is the new & improved version of me. This, then, is my brain on broke.
There are other areas of our life that have changed. The cleaning service that used to come twice a month? That one was the first to go. I am wistful not only because I dislike cleaning toilets–okay, I hate it–but most of all because it was my husband’s gift to me. “I want you to focus on teaching the kids,” he used to say. “This is something I can do to help.”
And yet…and yet…the tricky thing about writing all this is that everyone has his/her own unique cross (especially financial ones) and who am I to demand your time with my problems? Who am I to be such a prayer hog? And yet in the deepest darkest part of my longing, I still want everyone praying for me.
Greedy, huh? Please pass the slops.
Suddenly I understand what so many of our friends have gone through—I understand what it means to trust. This is not to say that I’m good at it…rather, that I’m trying.
“The heart of a Christian ought to be full of love, with a hope always placed in his Lord. To be able to do this he cannot allow himself to be trapped by and be a prisoner of earthly things; he has to be constantly moving toward a greater purification.”
One last thing—a housekeeping thing. I apologize for not being more consistent with my Weigh-In Wednesday posts. I’m still trying to be better about what I eat and still try to hop on the treadmill when I have a chance. Still, I have to admit that these ten extra pounds are suddenly not…at the top of my thoughts.
Though one would assume I’ll lose weight ’cause I’ve stopped buying chips.
Yours in times of fasting *and* feasting,