(You may read Part I here.)
Every Saturday, the St. Paul Pioneer Press runs a “Sainted and Tainted” column in the Local News section. People will send in their descriptions of various Good Samaritans and assorted…jerks, all for our Saturday reading pleasure.
I will admit (shamefacedly) to being a bit disappointed when the “Sainted” entries outnumber the “Tainted” ones. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because for some reason, it’s always more interesting when people behave badly.
Except when that person’s you.
And yesterday at the library, I do think I behaved badly.
Here are some background details:
- Once a week, we do a standard library run. (This is different from a library visit, in which we actually go into the building and spend time there.) Joe runs inside with my library card to pick up our items on reserve. Meanwhile, I return a pile of books.
- Our library has an awesome drive-through book drop-off. You pull up to the stand in your vehicle and load your books into the slot. A conveyor belt then whisks them off into the building.
- I always look to see if there is someone behind me, especially if I have a lot of books. If there is someone waiting, I will circle through the parking lot and come back again…just ‘cause I’m so sweet. [grin]
So what happened yesterday?
I pulled up to the book drop-off and checked my rearview mirror. No one was there. I asked Joe to run inside and began loading my books onto the conveyor belt.
I had loaded two or three when I heard the car’s horn behind me. I was startled and—yes—annoyed. I had only been there a couple of minutes. I flushed and kept loading the rest of my books, of which there were about a dozen.
It was the next three honks that really did me in. I stopped “thinking like a Christian” at that point, (this despite my “ProLife” bumper sticker), and the more flustered I grew the more irrational I became.
Here, then, is the part I’m most ashamed of. I opened the van door to go back there and “address” the driver.
To yell at her, as it were.
‘Cause I was mad.
Here’s the thing, though. I couldn’t get out of my van because the book drop-off stand was in the way! Flustered, I tried repeatedly after the third and fourth honks…to no avail. Thank you, God, for saving me from myself! That’s when I looked up and saw her coming. She was a professional-type women with stylishly spiked hair and an I.D. card hanging around her neck.
She was holding an audio book in her hand.
And she, too, was very angry.
“I’m dropping off my books!” I bleated.
“No,” she snapped. “That is not all that you were doing and you know it.”
(And then the clincher…)
“Be honest.”
That was the line that really hurt. To be challenged like that and be called a liar like that….and all this by a stranger…
I opened my mouth.
And I shut my mouth.
There was nothing I could have—or should have—said right then. “Can I do that for you?” I asked, referring to her audio book. (Keep in mind that I was still in my van blocking the book drop-off and she was standing at the side of me.)
“I can do it myself,” she huffed, and she proceeded to wedge her hand in between my van and the slot on the book drop-off. It was awkward but she managed.
And then she sped away in her vehicle.
You know that book by Patrick Madrid called Surprised by Truth? Well, I am always surprised by rudeness. It is easy to be virtuous when it’s your choice, but when the affront on your dignity comes unexpected…
I’m all an eye for an eye and an angry reproach for an angry reproach.
That is not what Christ wills for us, however.
“My child, stand firm and trust in Me. For what are words but words? They fly through the air but hurt not a stone. If you are guilty, consider how you would gladly amend. If you are not conscious of any fault, think that you wish to bear this for the sake of God. It is little enough for you occasionally to endure words, since you are not yet strong enough to bear hard blows.
“And why do such small matters pierce you to the heart, unless because you are still carnal and pay more heed to men than you ought?” (The Imitation of Christ, Chap. 46)
Like ripples in a pond, the ugliness of that encounter cycled through my family. I drove away from the library complaining bitterly to the rest of my children about how “important” that woman thought she was. I yelled at my five-year-old for being selfish; I burst into tears; I phoned my husband.
In short, I needed a lot of help getting over this.
Are you kidding? I’m writing a blog post!
Eventually I realized that this is the sort of thing that eats a person up inside. I (tried to) let it go and began to pray for this woman rather than hate her. It’s harsh seeing the word “hate” in print, isn’t it? Yet that’s just what my selfish, prideful human heart had done.
And how does my hatred help that woman?
I liked reading all your comments about what you would have done in my shoes; I liked them very much. The fact is, we can’t really know or predict how we’ll react when we’re surprised by rudeness. We can, however, pray for the grace to do the right thing and be humble, not confrontational.
As boring as that is. ☺
AMDG,
Blessed are the peacemakers, my dear. Yup, it's the hardest one, I do believe. And though your family may have seen your acrimony, she, by the grace of God, did not. Irregardless of what she thought you were doing, you did not lash out at her, and in that you showed her Christ. (And if you prayed with your children for her — your enemy– you showed Christ to your children as well.)
PS I would have called my husband, too. 😉
Margaret… because I am so sensitive by nature, I would have handled it the exact same way… down to the yelling at the 5 yr old and calling my husband and writing a blog post.
Being peaceful and serene in all circumstances is a grace I have not received yet.
Hugs!
🙂
I had a question while reading your post – what did she think you were doing other than returning books? I've never seen such a return, but I imagine she could see you loading the books?
Hugs, Margaret 🙂 I don't like confrontation at all and would have been upset for hours after what you experienced. I too, wonder what else she thought you were doing that you weren't being honest about?? Could she have been really intimidated by your pro-life sticker?? Maybe she thought you were not only blocking her way…but you and your family were also breathing her air…grrr 🙂
I probably would have handled it the same way. I am trying to be conscious of this, but still fail miserably.
I can't say for sure what she thought I was doing, but I suspect she may have seen Joe run in to get the books as she drove up and perhaps she thought I was waiting there for him.
I'm impressed that you didn't defend your position. After reacting angrily, you then chose to be meek. I think that's what holiness is about. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have kept my mouth shut. I think I would have pointed out all the justifications why I was right and she was judging and overreacting. And I hate that these things can disturb our peace of soul.
Well, then. Yes, I guess she felt herself to be rather important and had someplace rather important to be. Upset that dropping off a mere audio book could take up so much of her precious time….
See? I got her pegged. ha.
But yes, if it were me, mostly likely I would not have said A THING. And yes, like you, would have spoke about it to my children, called hubby and perhaps written a post about the rudeness of others.
Forgetting to pray for her and to remind myself that how others act does not need to affect how I behave or respond.
Tough situation. I strongly dislike uncomfortable confrontations. yuck.
You've brought me back to my computer again this morning to ask…had the said honker been another busy mom (looking like she missed her morning shower, in an unwashed minivan, with a few carseats of french fry eating kiddos in the back) would your reaction have been different?
Just curious.
Margaret- You have to know when she got to the office, she was saying many of the samethings about you that you were thinking of her. An interesting lesson in how difficult it is to see a situation from any point of view but your own. I always struggle to teach that lesson to my children when they quarrel.
Dear Margaret!
I'm certainly sorry she acted like this to you….some people are so difficult, it seems. I think it's perfectly acceptable to *hate* the action, but not the person. Though, I know it is pretty tough to separate the two…
It's especially ironic though, that the audiobook she was returning was called:
"The power of patience : how to slow the rush and enjoy more happiness, success, and peace of mind every day " {{grin}}
{Well, it COULD have been, right?}
Maybe she needs to put it back on hold….
God bless you!
Donna
We had a situation at the park this weekend. We were at a duck park we love, taking a walk, playing on the playground. When we were playing at the pond, our 3yr. old was laughing at the ducks and running around. An older couple came up to fish and they were very angry at the children running and laughing. We didn't say anything to them, just walked away, but the anger at them (and then at all bored, insensitive, mean retired people!) brewed in both my husband and I for a few hours. Just shows that the anger hurts us more than them … and does no one any good. I think you acted very charitably in not saying anything — the Holy Spirit closed your door, and your mouth!! What grace! 🙂 And for you to pray about it with your children and apologize to them afterwards … that's the stuff that makes families holy, and teaches children the important lessons. You're a wonderful example, as always, Margaret.
Regina, I'm pretty sure I would have been just as offended, only I have judged her on different criteria–i.e. "She's a mom like me! You'd think she would understand!"
I don't know. I am always judging people based on appearances–sigh–and would have only calmed down (probably) if she would have pulled up in a wheelchair!
Anonymous, you are exactly right about that woman going back to the office and complaining about me. That's why I should have blessed her day with humility and an "I'm sorry to keep you waiting" rather than with my flashing eyes and self-defense.
I am reminded (as I am so often) of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits, in particular, "Seek First to Understand."
Well, you are human, Margaret. You are striving to perfect yourself every day, just like the rest of us. God knows this and loves you for your efforts.
This post really has me pondering things, things that I'm ashamed of. The fact is I would have been patient with this woman, because I don't know her. I would not have been as patient with anyone I knew though. Like my own family. I'm always nice to strangers and friends, but not as nice to family.
Good came out of it eventually, I'm sure you've prayed for her now and God knew you would.
I think I must not have read your post correctly. Because it seemed to me you acted with grace and beautiful manners. Yes, afterwards your hurt came out, but in my mind that isn't a bad thing, it is a needful thing, and what families are for – holding each other, helping each other through. Just because you're the Mum doesn't mean you have to be a perfect unemotional saint. And I'm sure it was a good lesson to your children about the dark power of unkindness and rudeness.
I say all this to you but also to myself because I tend to attract people like that woman! And I don't confront them – although I'm thinking more and more that it wouldn't actually be wrong to do so, to politely and honestly tell them they're being rude and hurting me, and from my reading of the Bible I believe it might also be Christlike (wasn't He pretty upfront and honest with his apostles when they were being stupid, rude, or thoughtless? In the spirit of loving them?) – but I do tend to mutter sotto voce as I walk away, and THAT is shameful. And it always, always ruins my day.
Sorry for such a long comment. I had a similar experience two days ago and it's still troubling my heart.
Not sure what I would have done. Always depends on how much sleep I get.
Just be THANKFUL you are not related to her.
Having rude relatives is worse.
Hmmmm. I more than likely (being as I've lost patience for this sort of childish behaviour) would have retorted: "Looks like you didn't learn to share in Kindergarten!" while I finished returning my books. I would have said it calmly, too.
You know the self check lane at the store? The other day I was still scanning my stuff when an 50-ish gal came up and set her stuff on the basket rest shelf. A subtle way to RUSH me. I'm in self check, so I'm already moving as fast as I can reasonably go. But, at the commissary there is a line customers must wait behind and she wasn't doing it. After I paid and was bagging a final item, she tried to scan her items before I was off and running . . . so I just said to her, "You could have waited you impatient creature!" She was baffled! But, I laughed about it. Her silent pushiness pushed my mouth to "kill". It happens.
Just laugh, Margaret. Human behaviour is annoyingly annoying and funny at the same time.
I meant to say, "wait" not share. I need more coffee evidently.
Margaret dear,
I think that your sweet, humble response shows the true fiber of a good soul – esp. under fire. If the moment doesn't allow us to think about the "perfect response", what we say and do says a lot about what and who we really are. You did great, sweetie. It is in the human weakness in all of us that makes us flinch when others strike – normal but a project of improvement of life to be sure!
I wonder, too, what 'else' she thought you were doing. Even though she might have seen someone run into the library, that doesn't mean you were wasting time in the return line. Afterall, I'm sure it wasn't marked "8 items only."
People's behavior often baffles me … never more so than when I am pregnant. Very rarely do I respond; these kind of occurances usually leave me speechless at the time. Only after the 'event,' when I've processed everything, do I call and vent to someone (or write a blog post!).
Peace to you Margaret – and the woman. Because it is sad indeed if she didn't feel at least a tiny prick of guilt after the encounter.
Thank you for this…I needed to read something to remind me to be silence and not strike back in anger. A person sent me an email recently reminding me of something I needed to do. It was on her time frame she wanted me to do this, not mine. I had it on my to do list. I had planned to do it the very next day. Her sense of urgency was higher than mine and I was angry that she was "telling me what to do and when to do it." I've been seething about it for three days trying to think how I could "tell her off."
Thank you…I needed this.
I was at a Christian book store in the Cities and was asked to give my address for mailings. I was whispering it for safety sake when the clerk at the register next to the one I was at said, "Stop whispering. No one wants to drive way out to where you live anyway." I kept writing nasty letters to the store and then ripping them up. Eventually I decided that justice is not mine but God's. I also decided that I was the only one chewing on and being upset by the incident. I'm sure Rude Clerk didn't give it another thought. I stopped going to that store, though.
Thankyou Margaret for the gentle nudge of what a treasure this book is! (The Imitation of Christ). I dusted it off this morning and read chapter 46. You are a being a very good evangalist!!!
signed
Theresa in Alberta
See, this is hard for me, because I don't think being a peacemaker always means silence, or being "nice". I'm not sure what the answer is to that situation. Since I've been that nasty woman, my guess would be that she'd written a whole story in her head about how wrong you were. So I guess the job would be to act in a way that reveals the lie of that story? So when she drives away, if she's inclined, she'll just convince herself of how right she was and there's nothing you can do to affect that. But if she's trying, just falling down, then when she drives away she'll probably start feeling wrong and guilty. Maybe the best thing would be to tell her that when she's had some time to think, if she's sorry she was so nasty, she should know that you get it and we've all had impatient times and not to sweat it?
That sounds a little convoluted. . . .
Hi Margaret!:-)
I came across your blog while surfing homeschooling sites. I think you were very charitable to "that woman." I'd have suggested that she try Paxil (which it sounds like she needs!) Don't let people like that get you down! I had a similar experience at Walmart the other day in the "under 20 item" express line. I had *18* items (really, I checked twice before going in the line.) An intimidating-looking man behind me started the same thing. "You have too many items. On no, you do NOT have 18 items. On no, you do NOT!" etc. I was so upset and embarrassed and started counting again. He beetled off into the line next to us. My 14-year-old daughter came to the rescue. She loudly counted all the items as she put them on the conveyor belt. Sure enough — 18 only! She went over to him in the other line and said in a loud, piercing voice, "Excuse me! We have 18 items! Excuse me!? 18 items!" The entire store went deathly silent except for her (rather loud) voice and everyone stared. The man shrank into himself and the top of his head (which was bald) went bright red. This went on for quite some time. I still laugh when I think back on the scene. My daughter was not rude — just firm. And loud! Sometimes I wish I had her self-confidence.
Best, Ann
>>We can, however, pray for the grace to do the right thing and be humble, not confrontational.<<
A fairly high percentage of the population is nuts, unfortunately. When I started looking at percentages of people with mental and personality disorders, a lot of things started to make sense to me. This woman sounds very narcissistic with her "Me first! Out of my way!" attitude. You can't change people like that. We all just have to live with them and anticipate these (or worse) upsetting episodes from time to time. Their issues usually cause them more harm than they do the rest of us. She probably has a long list of bewildered and upset friends, relatives, and co-workers in her rear view mirror.