Ed. Note: This posted was published earlier today and then yanked in a fit of angst. I am going through a period of emotional upheaval today–the Dark Night of the Soul, perhaps? Ha. I’m nowhere near it–which is wreaking havoc in every arena. Here it is again, though. Read fast–there is no guarantee that it’ll be up tomorrow.
The other day my girls were fighting (I know! Can you believe it?) when Angela came barreling into the kitchen and fumed, “Felicity’s just a plain ol’ girl and she’s being mean to me!”
Poor Angela. It is one thing to be treated poorly by all the fancy gals…but what a cross to be tormented by the plain ones!
Those two.
And if it isn’t Angela and Felicity who are arguing, it’s Felicity and Cate. Or Cate and Jem. Or Jem and Joe…
And so on.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but it’s the infighting that really gets to me. “You’re brothers and sisters!” I want to scream at them. (Not that I ever do.) “Love him! Love her! Be kind! Stop yelling!”
I’m such a contradiction.
The thing is, when they’re not bickering (or teasing, or whining, or complaining), these kids are pretty loveable. (Who am I kidding? They are very loveable.) I am especially fond of their “What you see is what you get” nature. In general, these children are not that complicated. “So and so won’t stop teasing! He hit me! She took my Barbie!”
Stuff like that. Their problems, though annoying, are easily solved.
The daily Gospel from last Tuesday (“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”) has me reflecting on my kids’ behavior all the more. Really, Lord? I must become like them to enter heaven?
[Yay! I get to leave my underwear on the bathroom floor and wipe my face on my t-shirt!]
What is it, really, about our children that’s so holy? Think hard. What do you come up with?
Myself, I would have to say it’s their lack of pride and their lack of guile.
In other words, their humility.
They may bicker but they’re pretty up front about their problems. Take Angela as an example. She’s three. She’s not that complicated. Her complaint about Felicity was just that—an honest complaint, an earnest complaint, and one that I could handle. “Felicity’s being mean to you? Felicity, say you’re sorry.”
Problem solved.
What I am not that great at handling, however, are the “grown-up” problems in my life. They seem to multiply exponentially, these problems, with every passing year.
My response, incredibly, is to act like a child. “Honey!” I will whine to my husband. “Life is being mean to me!”
And then I take it one step further—many steps further, actually, compared to the complaining of my children. Often, when I’m feeling oppressed or burdened by life and its demands, my response is hyper-reactive. I will often (ashamedly) resort to building myself back up through…the criticism of others.
How very not humble for me to behave.
This criticism is varied in the form it may take—it might be “harmless” gossip among my friends, or a “harmless” conversation with my husband, or even (I hate to admit this) a direct insult. It’s as far from childlike as I can get, and is nowhere near the charity that I know is Christ’s.
To tell you the truth, (at least, the truth according to my opinion), I think that criticism of others is one of the most unattended vices among otherwise godly people. I know many older people—daily Mass attendees, all—who have become exceedingly critical in their advanced age. They find fault with everyone! Well, I’ll tell you. Knowing as I do the strength of a habit (and the not to mention the possibility of Alzheimer’s), nit picking and backbiting are not habits I want to foster now.
I don’t know why I have to be insulting. I don’t know why I have to put someone down in order to build myself back up. After all, why be so critical of other people when I have much much much to work on? Jesus loves me as I am—naked, (gulp!), in my pride and despite my weakness. I should [try very hard to] do the same for others.
It’s hard to feel like a plain ol’ girl; it’s hard not to build myself up at the expense of another.
Well, guess what? Grace isn’t plain; grace is fancy!
Grace can help me change.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Don’t forget the unconditional love, even when we exhibit less than stellar behavior, and their quick and genuine forgiveness of all of our faults and crimes. Children are great for that. I don’t deserve all the love and forgiveness I get from them.
Wow, I’m glad I logged on to your site when I did (lest I miss this post!). While reading, I was thinking how inoccent children are. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful trait to have? Not to be burdoned with knowledge of evil and spite?
I believe you have a ton of humility. To be able to put so much of yourself “out there” for all the bloggers to read is something I don’t do. I don’t do it because it’s hard to actually see it in writing, much less let others see my faults. Not confronting those things make them all the more difficult to overcome.
Someday I’ll remind you of something that you told me way back when (in a faraway Fargo restaurant). It’s stuck with me this long!
Doggone, I can’t find it, but there was a wonderful reflection in the parish bulletin 2 wks ago(from some famous Catholic author, whom I can’t remember) on this exact subject. The author humorously made note of the fact that those of us who know children might think God would want us to be better behaved than to become like them. Then he went on to explain that the real point in becoming as children was to learn their complete trust in their Father. They whine and compain and bicker, but it never occurs to them to doubt that Daddy will provide for them. It’s so hard to have that same complete trust and surrender in Our Heavenly Father. Great rewards if we do, though!
God bless, Margaret. This was such a wonderful post. I’m so glad it was up when I popped in. (I hope you leave it in…)
Thank you for reminding me. Your honesty is beautiful. I’m a chicken! I, too, need to knock off my criticisms of others… even if it’s only to my husband, or just in my head! Thanks so much!! 🙂
Amen, Margaret! Such an important message and so perfectly said.
You have them at your church too? The old”er” ones that know it ALL? 🙂 Very nicely said, Margaret. Thinking back to that homily, I’m feeling a little shameful about getting so mad at my 6 year old for wiping peanut butter all over his brand new shirt. Child-like, child-like….new mantra.
Thank you. I read your comment and had to go back to an email I was working on and deleate most of it. Thank you for the reminder.
I’m not a photographer, but from what I understand, cameras look for “white” and “black” and base all their colors off those extremes. If there is a very bright light, it will skew the spectrum. Hubby had seen a picture once of somebody who managed to get themselves photographed as they grabbed an electrical wire and a blinding light filled the area. Everything else appeared black.
Too often we try to find that black extreme to make us appear light. In reality, when compared to the pure white of God’s blinding light, we are all black and it is ridiculous to try to distinguish one from the other.
That’s why we pray “Lord, judge me against an unholy nation.” My deeds compared to the deeds of millions to make mine seem so small.
I agree with the comment on how we need to imitate our children’s trust. That’s how we can build ourselves up…by remembering that they think WE can solve the problem, no matter how nit-picky and annoying it is to us.
My kids are doing the same thing. Lots of complaining, unkind comments (“stupidhead” is becoming a common word at our house), etc. I feel like I march from room to room handing out consequences.
Hang in there sweetie! God gives us what is best for us. At these times, I often find myself asking him, “Exactly what do you want me to be learning here?”
Great post! Wonderful comments! This went down well with my coffee this morning. Boy, did I need it!!
Our dear parish priest has a cute response when he witnesses something less than charitable. With a smile and in a slightly sarcastic tone, he’ll say, “that’s DEFINITELY what Jesus would have said/done!”
Likely best suited for adults, it works on so many levels: changes the tone of the conversation, serves as a gentle correction, and brings a smile and a laugh – instead of allowing the devil to get his way through gossip, criticism, or discouragement and pride.
I’d suggest you try it out on yourself and allow yourself to be ever so slightly amused at your own weaknesses. It’s our pride that wants us to think we’re too great and holy to sin and fall in the first place, right?
You’re truly wonderful, Margaret! Hope you are blessed with lots of joy today!
Another beautiful post. Thanks!
This SOOOO hits home. It’s amazing how quickly my complaints in life will instantly become harsh criticisms of others–family, parish, school, other drivers, society in general. This was a great reminder that CHANGE starts with the person in the mirror! Thanks as always!
So sweet, so true…
Thank you so much for posting this, Margaret! I’ve just recently begun praying the Litany of Humility on a daily basis…I posted it on the sidebar of my blog, lest I forget. It’s truly painful to view oneself in light of what true humility consists. The reminder that we can see it much more clearly in our children is something I need to keep in mind. Thanks again!
You’ve been placed into our lives with your wonderful talent for writing for a reason, Margaret. Thank you for the gift of you and what you share with us. God bless!
PS I SO needed this today.
You know, I have been seeing this a lot lately, maybe I am just finally noticing it. I mentioned not too long ago what effect this backbiting was having on me. I was really having a crisis of faith and everywhere I went trying to find Catholic inspiration all I found were complaints and people pointing out what others were doing wrong. Everywhere! It was horrible to want to be Catholic but not finding a voice who seemed to agree with me! I guess what I am rambling on about is that it is important for all of to remember that when we complain, which we all have to do sometimes and it is not just the Catholics, that people are listening. When you snap about someone else’s behavior in mass the person behind you might actually be trying to find out why they are Catholic and you might just have helped them over the edge.
Thank you so much for this post. It is so important for us to remember that even though it is human nature to complain and sometimes good for us to get things off our chests, we need to always remember what effect our complaints or backbiting have on others.
Thank you for this reminder, I know I need to work on it too!
Thank you for writing that-i needed to read it-God Bless you