Subtitled: On being thankful for my independence and yet, not.
I need a hug.
The sun is shining. The coffee’s brewing. My arms and legs and eyes all work.
So what’s the problem?
I don’t know, and that’s the problem!
We’re hosting a neighborhood block party tonight and perhaps it’s that I’m stressed. That would be why I’m sitting in front of the computer, right? Because blogging is infinitely preferable to forming fifty hamburger patties by hand, which I still have to do.
Why don’t you purchase them pre-formed? you’re wondering.
Because then they wouldn’t have the little Lipton Onion Soup bits inside, that’s why.
I don’t know.
I just feel sad and angsty.
On a semi-related note, I was telling the girls that we should whip up some Jello Jigglers for the party and I said what a pity it was, really, that we couldn’t make red, white and blue Jello Jigglers. Because I get really obsessed with the colors red, white and blue this time of year.
I don’t know why.
But who’s ever seen white Jello, right?
And then I went to the store and what did I find? Pina Colada-flavored Jello, which sounds totally gross but which is white. White!!! And I was just crazy enough to have bought four boxes of the stuff. (And four of the Berry Blue, and four of the Strawberry Daiquiri.)
So like a free gift of grace, I’ve got my red, white and blue Jello Jigglers.
So what’s the problem?
I don’t know! I just don’t know. Maybe—just maybe—it was the lady with the newborn baby. We’re talking a brand new little bundle, brand brand new, and when I passed this mother in the canned vegetables aisle I almost asked her to hold the baby.
I ached to hold her baby.
Except the mom didn’t look…approachable, and so (to her relief) I kept my sticky little fingers on the cart and kept on walking.
With my red, white and blue Jello in tow.
Alone.
And feeling lonely.
Happy Almost 4th, everyone! I hope to be back with photos galore and a more cheerful post tomorrow.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
Let’s cry together shall we? My husband was remarking on how crippled I currently am and said, “At least you don’t have a little baby to carry around right now.” And I burst into tears. I’m sorry, Margaret, so very sorry.
Cyber hugs comin’ your way. Ready???
…….
((HUGS!!!!))
Totally relating here Miss Margaret. Our new little military community, including the expecting any minute momma next door, has vacated outta here for the Fourth. At times I still find it l hard to be around these beautiful pregnant ladies or their newbie babies. I will offer up all my unpacking I still have left to do for a little lift in your spirit.
Oh, and just in case… an extra ((hug))..
Peace.
4th of July hugs coming your way cutie!! I can totally relate I had a similar experience in Costco just Tuesday!! Love you,
I’m so sorry this was a hard day, Margaret. Lots of lovin’ from Georgia.
All my love to you Margaret. I am 39 weeks pregnant and when baby comes – you can hold him/her. I live in MN too. I hope that others will find me approachable to ask to revel in the joy of a newborn. Life is amazing. Your love for your vocation as a mother has supported me as I journey into this new vocation. Thank you!
I knew from the beginning why you are feeling blue. I am too. Big hugs, Margaret and big prayers.
The baby I lost would have turned 19 this summer. I no longer ache to hold babies, but I once did. I will lift you up in my prayers tonight.
Dear Margaret,
I know that ache. There is simply nothing like it. It is a both a blessing and a curse to know so well what you are missing.
Hugs and Prayers,
Jane
I hope you had fun at your block party; I know it was a success. I will pray for you and this brand of baby blues.
((Margaret)) It’s the sound of a brand new little one crying that always gets me…
Oh, Margaret, I will send up some prayers for you!
Janet
We don’t know each other but I’m thinking of you and sending up some prayers for you tonight. It took me a long while to conceive my first child and I remember vividly the ache of wanting so badly to have a baby in my arms. I’m sorry you had a rough day! I hope your 4th of July is full of laughter and fun!
Oh, Margaret! 🙁 Reading this post just about made me burst into tears. I’m so sorry! I’ll send up a prayer for you!
I know exactly the feeling you’re having, Margaret. I was just saying to the Lord last night, before I clicked out my light, “Please, please Lord, let it happen this cycle….” Seems to be my prayer every month, and then perpetual disappointment. It’s funny that women like you and me, who already have an armful of kids, and the pile of work that that creates, can have such a longing for another one. Sigh. I do think it is a beautiful thing, that we look at each child as a treasure, and that we look at being co-Creators as an honor and privilege.
Keeping you in my prayers today….
fondly,
Teresa
Oh, Maggie, how I wish I could give you some of my fertility. I would in an instant if I could. I’m sorry that you are sad and I will say an extra rosary for you.
hey there….i can relate. magnificat the other day had a wonderful quote by mother teresa, i am sure you saw it, the one about if jesus wants you to clean toilets? than, happily clean the toilets
:-)))))))…..that being said, always remain hopeful…always remain hopeful. i have seen crazier things happen girl. i have a friend who suffered this for years (she is younger than you and i) anyway…she just had a baby last year! also, another friend, same thing…suffering for years, then, 3 babies right in a row! another dear friend of the family, 6 or 7 kids, then many years later, at 51 a new baby!!!! so, hang in there…….mcm
At least you admit it. I rarely mention my ache – and you hit it on the head so masterfully. I hope God comforts you mightily!! I made the decision to stop having babies when I was ignorant (by choice, too) and young (more than kind of ignorant) and I have regretted it ever since. I’m praying now that my husband will go beyond just saying “yes, some day” to actually going through the motions of adoption. There are too many kids out there needing loving arms (and lets face it, the Catholic church).
God bless you!
Dear Margaret,
this really made me cry. I wish you could hold my Lucie.She is 7 months and very friendly! I will pray sooo hard for you today. I still believe for you…anything is possible wth the Lord.
In eternity you will always have little babies to hold! But I don’t think you will have to wait that long. 🙂
Sending you lots of hugs!
Thank you for reminding me of the ache of missing your own newborn. I now understand other women I’ve encountered better than I thought I did.
You could hold my little one anytime.
Peace!
Big hugs from Michigan…
I am so right there with you, Margaret…
Lots of hugs and prayers.
Margaret…I’m aching and grieving in the same way this 4th of July weekend. Something about the profound gift and beauty of our freedom stirs up sentimental feelings deep inside, including our deep desire for more children. I’ll lift you up in prayer and will offer my own aches for yours.
Hugs, Margaret! You can hold mine anytime, though you might not like her screeching at you. Her first year has gone so fast that even I wish I could hold her as a newborn again instead of a wriggly pre-toddler!
I’m with you on this one Margaret… I just had another early miscarriage this past week, and just reading about someone else seeing a brand new baby made the tears start falling. I’m very grateful for the two little boys I’ve been blessed with, but sometimes that ache is so painful, and with my youngest being seven now… I just completely understand that ache…. I’m sending hugs your way.
Peace of Christ to you,
~Jenny