This morning I went in for my usual shot of progesterone. When I saw my doctor in the hall, I smiled and said, “Are you hyper-busy today?” She immediately knew my meaning and said, “Would you like me to listen for a heartbeat? Not a problem!”
And so even though I wasn’t scheduled for my first “official” appointment until a week from now, she ushered me into a room and had a listen. There was no heartbeat.
By the grace of God, I was able to get in for an ultrasound within the hour.
By the grace of God, my neighbor was home and was able to take my children.
By the grace of God, the ultrasound technician was the same beautiful, understanding and kind woman that I’d seen with Baby Francis. (The last technician—the one I saw with Baby Lucy—was not so sympathetic. She didn’t say a word about my baby’s condition, even though it was obvious and I knew.) Joyce, however, was full of empathy and warmth and even hugged me when she had finished…
…because, as you may have guessed by now, we’ve lost our baby.
I don’t know why and I have no words of wisdom. I am numb and will pass through at least seven more stages of numbness before the grief sets in. I know these feelings very well by now; they are an unwelcome guest and yet, not really, because they represent my cross and I must embrace it.
Thank you for your prayers and words of kindness along the way; they have sustained us through a time of great uncertainty. My husband and I feel a bit like those parents whose child was lost in the woods or on a mountain. To a certain extent, we are finally at peace because we have our answer. We know now how our baby’s doing. Our baby’s gone on before us.
“Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair…and once again, our hearts will beat together.”
In this image, my baby’s head is on the right. The little body was beautifully formed and according to the ultrasound’s data, the baby died at about 10 weeks’ gestation.
Ad Jesum per Mariam,
*The title of this post is from the book By Grief Refined: Letters to a Widow by Alice Von Hildebrand. In it, she offers words of advice to a widow (based on her own experience after the death of her husband Dietrich), but I have found much consolation in her writing.
So, so sad to read this. You will be in our prayers!
Oh Margaret, I’m so sorry for you and your sweet family. Know that you are constantly in our prayers to uplift and keep you close to our Lord and His Mother. Love,
I am so sorry! You are so very courageous and strong! You all will be in my prayers.
Hallie
no, no, no.
There aren’t any words….only prayers. I’m so very sorry.
((((MARGARET))))) … I am so sorry for your loss.
Margaret,
I don’t know what I can say to ease your pain. I greatly admire your fidelity to God and your openness to life.
A friend of mine once told me that God prepares you to do something great by putting you through a great purification. Perhaps your something great is to enlighten us all on courage and perseverance.
We will be praying for you all.
Oh my dear friend. My heart aches for you. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.
My condolences on your loss. I’m praying for you and asking St. Catherine of Sweden to do the same.
I am sorry. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family.
I am so, so sorry for your loss Margaret. I have been through that heartache myself 3 times. I know there are no words that will comfort. I will be praying.
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your beautiful family are in my prayers.
God bless you and keep you close to his heart,
Beth
oh no…praying for you and your family.
Margaret,
As a frequent reader (and sometimes commentor) of your blog, I just want to say I am just so sorry about your sweet little baby. I am crying with you now, and I promise I will be praying for you and your family.I know the Lord has a special plan for each of us, but sometimes it is so difficult to understand His plan when it is filled with such pain.I am so very sorry.
Oh Margaret, I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family.
I am so, so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.
Oh dear Margaret. My husband & I are so sorry for your loss. We’ll be praying that you’ll soon feel the “blessed” part of “blessed are those that mourn.” You’ll remain in our hearts and prayers.
Oh Margaret. So sorry to hear this. Your family is in our prayers.
I am so, so sorry Margaret. We will be praying for you and your family during this sad time.
Oh, Margaret, I am so, so, very sorry. My heart is just breaking right now. I am praying for all of you.
Oh Margaret, my heart aches for you. We will be praying for you all …
So sorry. Prayers for you.
Dear Margaret,
i am so very, very sorry.
Praying for you and yours.
Oh, Margaret. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Margaret, not what I wanted to read when I come home from vacation….
I’m so so sorry for your loss. To quote you, “I know that you know that I know….. I’m here if you need to chat.”
Love and prayers~
Margaret, I’m so sorry. Those hopeful weeks were so precious and beautiful. I’ll keep praying for you.
Margaret, I am so sorry to hear your news. I know your strong faith is helping you through this sad time. I’m adding my prayers to those of everyone here.
Oh, Margaret, your baby is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your ultrasound. You and your family are in our prayers.
Michelle
Oh, Margaret, I can’t stop crying. I will cry with you. I wish I could make it better. Your whole family is in our prayers.
I am so sorry, dear Margaret! My prayers are with you and yours!
Oh no….
I don’t know what I could ever think to say that would offer any comfort. But please know that I will keep you and your family in prayers. May God bring you consolation in your time of grief.
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your baby. Please know I’m praying for the baby and your family. May Our Lady keep you under the mantle of her love.
iedog
God bless you and your family. My prayers to you on the loss of your child.
I am a frequent reader of your blog and am just so saddened to read this today. I am so sorry for your loss. And as someone mentioned earlier, your baby is so beautiful. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Margaret, I’m so sorry, and was so sad to read this. Thank you for sharing this beautiful picture of your baby.
I will offer up a rosary for you tonight.
Margaret, your news has my heart down in my shoes and my knees crashing to the floor to offer you all up in prayer. Why? Why? Just know we are sheading tears for you tonight in Gasperini-Ville. I will pray for your strength to endure this again…
Margaret, I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. Be assured of prayers from PA tonight and in the coming days.
Oh Margaret! I’m am so deeply sorry for your loss. I was rejoicing with you, and am now crying with you. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.
I don’t have any words, just grief. My heart aches for you and your family. Many prayers,
Our hearts go out to you and your family tonight, Margaret…
Oh Margaret, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I pray that our dear Mother of Sorrows will watch over you and your sweet family and comfort you all during this time of grief! Your baby is beautiful!! {{{Hugs}}}
Dear Margaret,
Tears and prayers here for you and your family. I am so sad, and so sorry, dear one.
I am so very sorry you must suffer through another heartbreaking loss. God’s ways are not our ways and awfully difficult to try to fathom for me in times like this. You have added to the saints praying for you and your family in Heaven. That will surely bring joy some day. Prayers always for all of you. lois
So so sorry! Many prayers.
I have no idea what to say, except that I’m sad, angry, and really questioning why this has happened again. I love you so much Margaret. You are a soul sister to me. Know that I am praying for you with all my heart.
Margaret, I am so, so sorry. There are no words. Know that you are in our prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
(((hugs & prayers)))
I am so sorry, Margaret. You and your family are in my prayers.
I weep, and I pray.
Oh, Margaret, weeping tears for you and your family. Praying for you, dear friend.
Margaret,
I am so sorry to read of your loss. I have been frequenting your blog for several months now and have come to admire you greatly–especially your openness to life and to God’s will. May Our Lord of love give you comfort and peace in this trying time. You will all be in our prayers.
Dearest Margaret, you and your family are in my prayers. May Mary wrap her mantle around all of you.
I am so very very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
I am so sorry. You will remain in my prayers of course.
I’m so, so sorry, Margaret.
I am so,so sorry Margaret! May God hold you guys close during this time!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
oh, my dear…no…
sharing your tears, praying for your comfort in this time of such sorrow.
with aching heart, and midnight prayers,
kimberly
Hi Margaret,
When I read about your loss, this text came to mind. I realize it’s long, but felt called to share it.
With Our Blessed Mama,
Annette
Do Not Ask Why (taken from “In the Arms of Mary” by S.C. Biela)
If you want to be the servant of Christ, it is possible that He may
treat you in different ways:
Sometimes you will receive ‘easy’ graces,
and at other times ‘difficult’ ones.
The Lord does not have to explain to His subject why He gives
him ‘candies’ or nourishes him with ‘bitterness’.
A servant of Him
who is Love,
will never ask why?
Mary did not ask this question,
neither during the Annunciation,
nor at the foot of the Cross of her Son….
…Mary was a servant precisely in this sense –
accepting not to know.
She only asked that
which was indispensable for the realization of the intention of
the Lord,
in order to realize fully His will.
She was like the evangelical child who trusted fully in the Father
and looked at the world with His eyes even if she did not understand
everything that happened in her life.
It is necessary that we imitate Mary precisely in her total
humiliation before God, in the attitude of a slave. She adopts this
attitude because she knows that God is Love, that her everything is
an entrustment into Love.
If you believe
that in everything that God does
there is an expression of His love,
you may not expect special explanations.
You may not analyze
why sometimes you were particularly honored
and at other times – divested of everything.
This attitude will permit you to accept your own way toward God,
since there are varied ways through which we journey toward Him and
frequently these ways are incomprehensible for us.
“How inscrutable are his judgments and how unsearchable his
ways!” (Rom 11:33). . . .
God bless you dear one. You are in my prayers.
Oh dear Margaret my heart is broken for you! I am so very sorry. You have my prayers sweet friend.
Oh, I feel so sick with sadness…
May God in His mercy hold you and your family close.
Prayers for your family & your sweet little one. I am very sorry.
In Him,
Julie
Praying for you. God bless.
Oh Margaret, I am desperately sorry for you. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family over the loss of your beautiful little baby.
Oh Margaret,
I am so very sorry to read this sad news.
My prayers for you all…….
I am so very sorry Margaret.
Joan
Dear Margaret. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your family will be in our prayers.
I am so sorry for you and your family. Prayers for you.
Margaret,
I am so very sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. I’m just so sorry.
God Bless,
Jane
Our prayers and big hugs to you and your family.
May God the Father hold you close and may Mary our mother comfort you.
Margaret, my heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.
This made me weep this morning. I had such hope that this was the baby meant to live to full term within your womb and bring new life to your home. I am so saddened for you.
You are in my prayers.
Oh Margaret,
I am so sad for you. What highs and lows you have been through. I hope that the many prayers that have been said give you and John great comfort. I remembered your dear little one at Mass on Sunday, and now I will remember you and your family. My sympathies, friend.
Oh, Margaret. I am heartbroken for you. God bless you in this difficult time. You will certainly be in our prayers.
Oh, Margaret. I cannot even imagine how sad you really are. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Oh Margaret, I am so so sorry! I can’t say anything that can help you feel better. But we can offer up our prayers for you during this difficult time. You know well that God somehow uses this, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to go through.
Mary, Mother of Sorrows, PRay for Margaret and her family and hold her little one close. Amen.
Oh no! I am so sad and sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers!
Margaret,
I know there are not words. I lost a baby back in December and there are just some things only God can heal.
I will pray a rosary for you today.
God bless.
I’m so very sorry to read about the loss of your precious baby. Praying.
I am so, so sorry Margaret.
I read the prayer request at 4Real.
I will offer many Aves for you in the coming days.
Pax Christi,
Rebecca in Alberta ~ 8smallones ~
I am so sad to hear this news. I will be praying for you. You are an amazing, strong woman, and your words bring comfort, insight and laughter to so many on a daily basis. I hope you feel the impact of the many, many prayers that are being said for you and your family. God bless you.
Margaret, I too have dealt with miscarriage. Isn’t it wonderful to have all of these pro-life friends that are grieving with you and praying for you?
Each child is a great gift from God. Unfortunately, we never know how long we are able to hold onto our gifts.
May God’s peace be with you.
Margaret, words cannot express how very sorry I am at hearing of your loss! May Our Blessed Mother hold you all close and continue to grant you peace. Love, Janette
I’m so sorry.
I will say a Mass for you and your family tomorrow morning… God bless you! Padre Steve, SDB
Margaret, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please let us know the baby’s name when you decide so that we can ask her/him to pray for you.
Oh Margaret, I am so sorry for your loss! I will be praying for all of you.
We will pray for you all today
I am so sorry, Margaret. Please know my prayers are with you and your family.
My prayers are with you and your family Margaret. I’m so sorry.
Sweet Margaret, I’m so sorry to read this. You are in my prayers once again in a special way.
I am so sorry I missed this right away. I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. My family is praying for you and your family.
I love you, Margaret, and I’m praying for you and yours.
Margaret,
I have been away from the blog-o-sphere for a few days (we were evicted from our house and had to move in with family quickly), and this is by far the saddest news to come back to. I’m so sorry – it really isn’t fair when our babies go on ahead of us – there are no words to ease the ache… only words offered in prayer can help bind the wound this kind of loss causes — know that you and your family have my prayers — however small they are. I will admit to shedding tears because your pain is such a familiar one, and I tend to have my own memory-scars throb when others experience what I have known. But we are supposed to weep with those who weep – to mourn with those who mourn — for despite our anonymity we are all still one body in Christ and what effects one of us effects us all. May the warmth of Christ’s Love and Mercy surround you all and comfort you – that some day you may be able to comfort others. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
The Peace and Hope of Christ be with and yours,
~Jenny
Praying for you and your dear family.
I am really sorry, Margaret. I will keep you in my prayers.
Oh, Margaret! I just had to stop myself from literally bursting into tears. Your family will be in my prayers.
I am so, so sorry that you’ve lost your precious little baby. I would have been six weeks this Tuesday with our seventh, but it’s not to be. I am walking with you in your sorrow, and praying for your peace and comfort.
May you two meet someday, bathed in the glory of the Beatific Vision!
@comcast.netI am so very sorry for your loss. You have my prayers.