The Story of a Soul (An Advent Tale of Joyful Longing)

Subtitled: How the heirs of Sam Walton keep getting richer, thanks to me.

Long before I had started my Christmas shopping, I was purchasing those little plastic tests.

EPT or EPT knock-offs, it didn’t matter. The results were what I was after.

Those two red lines.

Please God.

In the month of November alone I purchased four of them. Am I crazy, hopeful, or just a spendthrift? You know the answer already but let me repeat it: Praise God for the gift of perseverance! Two of those tests said “Yes!”

I am posting the particulars because I have to. In honor of the feasts involved, I simply have to! And if nothing else, this little baby-of-ours-on-the-way will know—one day, when reading this—just how much he or she was wanted.

The first test was taken (after several days’ worth of weepy-happy-sadness-joy) on November 21st: the feast of the Presentation of Mary and my daughter Maria’s birthday. I made my husband stop at Wal-Mart on our way to the restaurant so I could “pick up a little something that I needed.”

To which my husband replied: “You are not taking that test in the bathroom at Chuck E. Cheese’s!”

I scampered off happily before he could stop me.

Negative.

Yet, how very odd! I still felt….hopeful. Even happy and resigned!

Which is the spirit I’ve been trying for all along.

Given the roller coast loops that my moods were still taking, however, I took another test one week later. November 28th: the feast of St. Andrew.

A good strong saint for a baby boy.

Again, the test was negative. Yet…could it possibly be? I thought that maybe in the brightest of bright light situations I could make out the faintest, lightest not-red-but-maybe-pink of thin red lines. I was certain it was there!

“I just don’t see it,” said my husband.

“I think I do!” piped in Maria.

“We don’t,” said the boys.

So still I waited. No monthly cycle. Lots of moods.

On December 3th, the First Sunday of Advent, John announced that he was making a quick trip to Wal-Mart. Was there anything I needed? Sure, why not!

The plan was to wait 3 more days ‘til the feast of St. Nicholas. Ha. You know me. I couldn’t not take it once I had it in my eager hands.

And in the end I am glad I did, because what a gift for Advent!

(And as a side note and to show you just how silly I can be, I went ahead and took another test 3 days later. My gift from St. Nick! Still positive!)

I wish I could say that having conceived this child at the onset of Advent has helped my prayer life—that my morning meditations have been deep and fruitful and that I’ve spent the past three weeks in a spirit of prayer. To tell you the truth, though, I’ve been feeling queasy (thank you, God!) and tired (again, thank you!), and more than a bit distracted. (What’s new?)

With the great feast of Christmas upon me in Just Three Weeks, as it were, more often than not I just felt…busy.

Which in turn made me need God all the more.

And which makes me continue to thank Him, all the more.

What an unexpected gift is this new baby. Every baby is a chance for me to see myself as I could be; all of my anger, envy, pride and insecurity….none of these are present in a child!

Children may be weak, yes, but think of all their strengths!

Yes, this child that came to us this Advent is a gift and an invitation—to grow in love, to die to self, and to be a holier family.

Life lessons for the slow-to-learn, taught to us by a baby.

I know that I’m not quite out of the woods yet [unlike Jen : ) ]. I am just now beginning my 9th week, and I think that any time a woman loses a child to miscarriage she is bound to worry her way through the next pregnancy.

I have to trust.

(I am also getting a twice-weekly shot of progesterone, which helps my confidence if not my backside.)

I have to trust, and I have to wait-and-see.

The tree is trimmed, the stockings are hung and the crèche is awaiting its baby Jesus.

All is said and done and watchful.

We are all of us waiting for a baby, don’t you think?

Waiting for the birth of a baby, and thankful for the second chance He brings.

Merry Christmas, Everyone! And the most blessed of New Years to you all.