“Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness.”
(From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)
See that woman in those photos above? Yes, yes she does indeed have depression, much to the {apparent} surprise of her 13-year-old, who asked her this question just three short days ago.
“You’ve got depression, Mom?!”
“You’ve got depression, Mom?!”
Yes, Felicity, I do.
You might think this is the reason for my lack of blogging. Happily, though, you would be wrong. At present, my depression is but a footnote in an otherwise very busy, very happy life.
And yet…if I stop to read that footnote…
When I give in to its bittersweet allure…
Boom! The anvil falls and I am trapped beneath it.
Not everyone can relate to such dramatic mood swings; not everyone needs medication to regulate their thoughts. I know, however, that there are enough of you out there that I want to blog occasionally about my journey. I would do that for you, fellow depressed reader, because I love you! I will gladly be honest and vulnerable if it means helping a friend in need.
The rest of you can go read the funnies or something.
You don’t need advice on how to cope emotionally.
***
Pause for a moment and look at the “filed under” section at the bottom of this blog post. These are the categories that I’ve assigned to this post, and they are as follows: Motherhood, Marriage, Health and Wellness, Just Me.
And then, well, “Depression.”
Naturally.
My Mom-in-Law & Me on New Year’s
The rest of these categories are not chosen arbitrarily, but are the areas of my life—my parenting, for example, my marriage, my friendships—that are profoundly impacted when I get depressed. Epiphany Sunday, for example? It was a complete and total wash. My college kid, home on break, declined to join us for Sunday Mass. In my mind, I heard “But it’s Epiphany Sunday! I have the day all planned out! We’re going to be a family!”
My disappointment led to sadness and tears.
My tears led to more tears and my disappointment, to sorrow.
In the end, I didn’t do anything except make an Epiphany cake that I refused to eat. I went to my room, closing the door to my family, and the more I thought about my failings as a parent, the further I sank into complete despair.
“What’s wrong with Mom?” the kids kept asking my husband. I don’t know how he answered them but I do know I bailed on him for the sheltering arms of my bed. Flannel sheets are a sad replacement for human interaction but there you have it and there I lay, surrounded by stacks of soggy Kleenex and the bitter despair that nothing I do ever really matters….until 2:00 in the morning when the mood finally broke.
My poor husband.
My poor me.
* * *
When I’m in a funk like this, it is very hard to reach out to others. I did manage to text my friend Sarah in Alaska (“Pray for me!”) but that was all that I could do, and when she called within minutes I refused to pick up.
“I’m sorry for not answering!” I texted back the next day. “I was a blubbering mess.”
“That’s okay,” she responded, “But next time remember: I speak blubbering!”
* * *
The “funny” thing is…
We’d been traveling over New Year’s and I missed several days’ worth of my Prozac. “This may not bode well,” I pronounced solemnly to Cate, who at 15 gets my highs & lows and who is the most like her mother of all my girls, I think.
(She’s got a lot of her dad in her, too, thank goodness.)
(His influence gives her balance. 🙂 )
The “funny” thing is…
I was kidding when I said that skipping my meds didn’t bode well, but now I know (I should know, anyway) that this is not something I can mess with. My depression isn’t going away; I’ve struggled with it since my mid-20’s and it’s not a “state of mind” that I fix on my own.
Think Robin Williams, that poor sweet soul.
Think any one of countless lives lost to this disease.
* * *
Okay, is depression a disease? I don’t know and am not qualified to make that argument. I have lost people very close to me who ultimately gave in to their mental demons, and I’ve seen firsthand the devastation it can cause.
Let’s just say that my kids losing the fun of a feast day is bad enough.
To lose their mom because the devil won? I shudder to even think it.
But, and here’s my hopeful takeaway, the fact that my 13 year old didn’t know I have depression is (please, God?) a very good sign. No, it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon, at least not until I get through menopause and start taking my health & wellness seriously. Meanwhile, I know the importance of staying on top of my meds and I hope—I pray—that you do, too, when and if depression comes knocking at your door.
You can’t—you mustn’t—let depression win.
No depression here, but anxiety. I’ve been on medication for several years. I am to take 3 tablets of anxiety med per day. I survived on two for many years and hoped to get off of them. I started having anxiety/panic attacks this summer. Since they were different than I experienced before, it took awhile for me get over my denial that if/when my latest stressful situation went away all would be better. I succumbed and am taking my full three tablets. The days I accidentally don’t take them all, the attacks may be back the next day. If I don’t take all three for several days running, it is almost a given I have at least one.
You are a sister of the heart, dear Sharon! Thank you for sharing your own unique cross, and may we keep each other close in prayer.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. My best friend died as a result of mental illness in 2014. She left behind 2 beautiful children, and family and friends who adored her. She shared her battle with next to nobody and was horribly ashamed of it. This post gives me hope, thank you for having the courage to openly discuss your situation, you never know the impact that may have on someone. God bless you, my prayers are with you!
Erin
Thank you for your prayers, Erin! I will keep your friend and her family in mine. ♥
Depression isn’t the devil, and you aren’t giving into the devil. Depression is mental illness and yes, I believe it is a disease, no more within your control than diabetes, arthritis or cancer. It comes in many ways — anxiety is mine. I can no more control it than I can control the weather. I never had it until a couple years ago — would have scoffed at anyone who suggested I would ever have it. But have it, I do. You can not control your depression, other than by taking your meds, eating right, sleeping well, resting your brain, exercising, but you can control your son, at least while he’s under your roof and you are supporting him.
Some may argue with me, that adult children should get to choose what they do with their faith, but my adult children go to Mass. No ifs, ands or buts, when they are living under our roof. They are an example to their younger siblings. My oldest does not go to Mass anymore as he lives on his own, which breaks my heart, but he does go for Christmas with us, and Easter, and if he stays here and wakes up Sunday morning, he goes. It’s no where near ideal, but he does it for us because we have asked him to. I think it’s a right you have. Every one has to choose which battles to have with their children, but knowing how it affects you, and that all of your children can see the entire picture, I’d say it’s a worthy battle.
I agree that mental illness is not the devil, sweet friend, but I do think he uses it to his advantage. Suicide is too horrible to not be of him!
And thank you for your sound advice regarding Mass attendance in my home. We’ve been walking a fine line between respecting his adult decisions and “laying down the law”, as it were, in our home. I wish it were easier when our kids stray, but truly God’s got this. God’s got them. ♥
It’s a tough decision, but I think if you were to talk it out he might see your perspective. If anything, I hope he understands how sad it makes you, not for guilt, but because he has done something that has caused your sadness. I am one to hide my feelings from my kids, but on the rare occasion that I don’t, they really understand that their actions have consequences.
Hugs to you, Margaret. Your honesty helps many. I am sure of it! 🙂 I am praying for you.
Thank you for commenting, Tricia. I love & miss you!
My son suffers from depression and it can be heartbreaking watching him suffer. I feel like the more open I am (of course within reason & respecting his privacy) the more people share with me their journey. I am often reminded that we truly are a Body Of Christ.
What a beautiful thought, Jen. We ARE one body in Christ which is why it’s so hard see your son suffer. Yet, when you see people reach out to him and to you, how beautiful! Truly that is grace in action.
Thank you for your comment. ♥
Thanks for sharing Margaret! I struggle with anxiety but my doc said they are “best friends”. With one usually comes a bit of the other…Your blog spoke to a lot of my struggles and, not that I would with it upon anyone, it’s nice to know that other faith-filled women are on medication and trying to keep the balance. I also have a college kid and struggle with those same issues…We need to go out for wine!!!
Have a great week!
My doc said the same thing, Lisa, about depression and anxiety being related. In fact, they’re often treated with the same medication.
Hmm…makes me wonder if we have the same doc? 🙂
Yes, let’s get together! It’s been far too long. ♥
While discussing my depression and medications with a friend, I said I knew I was in a dark place. I knew I needed help.
I was started on Prozac and talk therapy.
A few weeks later I felt better, still depressed but lighter. After 7 or 8 months it was an incredible change in my outward view.
I told my friend that it was such a gradual change…….It was as if I was looking out a window through layers of sheer drapes. I was able to see everything but didn’t know how much I was missing. Gradually one layer of the sheer drapes was removed and as the weeks and months went by all of the sheers were opened and I was looking out through clear clean panes of glass. The sunlight was bright, everything was sharply in focus. It was an amazing transformation.
Please take your medication.
What a beautiful description, and so encouraging. Thank you! ♥
Thanks for the platform. I have been on medication since 1997. Like most of us I thought I didn’t need it anymore. Everyday of being normal and as clear minded as possible was an exhausting struggle. St John’s wort, prayer, exercise, healthy diet all led to a volcano of anger,tears, loss of confidence and friendships.
I found medication is my only reality, like insulin for a juvenile diabetic.
Thanks again Margaret.
Not only must you never fail to take your medicine. Let Joe and your children know they are to help be sure you are taking them. As a Navy hospital corpsman for 20 years I’ve seen the serious, even fatal, results of not following directions on taking meds. I will be praying for you and your family.
I will say, I’ll bet you have some great stories as a Navy hospital corpsman, Joseph!
Thank you for your prayers, ♥
No official depression here. Stress/overwhelmed feeling sometimes, worst postpartum for a good year. Currently, I’m good! Who knows how long it’ll last?! Love you, dear friend, and I am praying for you.
Love you too, Elisa!
Thank you for your courage in sharing this, Margaret! I do not suffer from depression, mercifully, but I know it afflicts many, and I believe it behooves me to deepen my understanding of it, which your writing has done. I also know that, to be a mom is to undergo a wild hormone trip. (Mine included crying in front of the in-laws after my daughter’s first-birthday party…a night I was very sensitive, a night my husband delicately asked if it could be related to my period.)
Ha! This comment did make me smile.
Love ya, C! Thank you for sharing. ♥
Thank you so much for sharing in such an honest and brave post that’s sure to help many. I’ve battled depression on and off again for a number of years and it’s still hard at times not to blame it on a lack of faith as opposed to a real medical condition with a chemical imbalance.
Please take your medications, and I’ll be praying for you!
Thank you for your prayers, Mary. Please be assured of mine! ♥
Stay strong, dear Margaret. It takes lots of humility to talk/write about both the depression and the struggles with kids.. Parenting isn’t for the feint of heart, and sometimes God *does* give you more than you can handle – alone, that is. You’re not alone.
Yep, you said it, Karen. It’s like the guy drowning at sea who refuses all the help God sends. We need to reach out to others. ♥
I am not even a mother or wife but so relate to this. And it is tempting to go off the meds. I feel normal. I am able to have normal emotions. But it scares me to even try. I know there are many in Christian circles that feel like depression, meds and faith go hand in hand. If we just had enough faith and trust in God, this would go away. But I truly disagree. And boy, does taking something that helps me take a step back and breathe give me more tools to pray, seek guidance and trust in Him. And people outside of that burden just don’t understand. Thank you for being so honest. God is so good. And you are a blessing.
You are a blessing too, Amanda, and really nailed it with these remarks. It’s hard for others to understand because it seems like the person that’s suffering is just being selfish.
I think, perhaps, sometimes I am being selfish, but that’s part of this emotional affliction, that all I can see is the cross I’m bearing.
Love to you! ♥
Thank you for sharing! My favorite thing about your writing is how you show that life is hard but STILL full of JOY!!! Thanks for being open and real.
This comment made my morning. 🙂
Hi Margaret, I read a book on St. Therese awhile back where the author stated that Therese had expressed some joy when she found out that her father was undergoing mental illness. She reasoned that his mind was his greatest gift and that is why God had asked for it. When my Dad lost his ability to speak that story gave me great comfort as my Dad’s voice was his greatest gift – both as an orator and as a teacher. It struck me reading how your story is similar. Your gift of joy that you give to others, but at times cannot give to yourself, is the gift that God is asking for at those times when the meds are forgotten.
The months of Post-partum depression was the most difficult time I have ever been through. I am so glad that you have a medicine that works. Keep on those meds my friend.
Oh Betsy, I just love you. Thank you for The encouragement–always, always–and please know that I am keeping your dear Papa in my prayers. ♥
Just reading this now, I am doubly sorry I missed you yesterday! Sending love and prayers for you and yours, dear one ❤️
You were missed! Ruth Ann & I managed to “just do it” and snuck away for a quick cuppa. Let’s get another date on the calendar. ♥
You have no idea how much this post means to me. Seeing your smiling face so regularly in pictures – the joy, happiness and apparent contentment you display often made me wonder why I wasn’t this bloody happy. I know FB and Blogs and all matter of social media are putting forth only the good in people’s lives, but it can be hard to remember that when everyone looks so cheerful. Thank you for your honesty about the struggle behind the smile. Prayers for you and your family. Nikki
Thank you for your prayers, Nikki! Please be assured of mine. 🙂
You’re such a good mama! Ugh… and yes to the depression. well, anxiety, that spirals into depression. And the just getting STUCK! (oh and feeling trapped with 2 little blessings 2 years and under!).
*Sigh. I’m not on meds right now but was for about 6 years and then for postpartum depression (anxiety/panic attacks) after my son was born- it truly was the worst time of my life! This post is so comforting-it’s easy to feel alone and burdened! You’re a dear!
Prayers!
You’re a dear as well, Shannon, and please PLEASE take good care of the momma! Your husband and two little blessings need it!! ♥
Praying for you. I know first hand what you are taking about. I will say for me, getting to the root of the issue- my gut health. Has helped me the most. Gluten and diary free helped and now adding more vegetables, water, less than 1 cup of coffee, and finally working on grain free, sugar free ( almost) is the most beneficial. The GAPS diet for Gut and Psychology has a lot to offer. I am not against meds at all. But for me this works better. God bless.