As sponsored by Netflix.
(Kudos to them for this post.)
Last night it happened yet again. I hit bottom, my weekly date with despair!
(What? I am nothing if not an Honest Blogger. Thus the label on this post.)
(In last night’s case, I broke down and called myself a “crap mom.” My husband, exasperated, walked out of the room.)
Look, when did I ever say that losing my oldest would be easy? I didn’t, you know, and his turning eighteen in two weeks may kill me. For example…
“What do you want to do for your birthday?” I asked, thinking, “a red velvet cake…maybe a mother/son movie…”
“Get a tattoo,” he replied with a grin.
(He’s serious, too! What can I say? I have one!)
That’s the thing. I know what *I* did when I was his age, and heaven forbid that he venture down that path. Heaven does forbid it, for what it’s worth, but then there’s that Free Will Thing that comes into play.
Not that getting a tattoo is sinful. I happen to like them if they’re artfully done and tastefully placed, even though it means being a wrinkled old coot covered in ink. It’s more…the other stuff that worries my mother’s heart. The drinking…the drug abuse…the premarital sex…the…
Everything.
It’s hard not to worry about all the Everything.
Consequently I hold him close and (not surprisingly), he’s pushing back. He is ready, so ready, to stretch his wings, and here’s me with a scissors thinking “snip! snip! snip!” This is hard business, this letting go. I am fighting such dark dark feelings of fear and rejection that the pressure I’m putting on him is incredible. It’s no fun for him and it’s no fun being me–at least, not the me that’s been playing the guilt card daily. (“Did you say your blessing? How’s your prayer life? Where are you going/with whom/and Why?!”) I have to make peace with the great unknown; I have to (quite simply) let him go.
Enter the escape of a really good movie!
It’s Netflix to the rescue when my emotional chips are down.
I’m not one to like those fluffy films, preferring instead a shot of true grit. (That’s a great movie, by the way, though not currently available to stream.) What is available, I was thrilled to find, is one of my all-time favorites, Terms of Endearment.
You’ve seen it, right? Time to see it again, now that you’ve lived through most of what you’re watching: the ins and outs of a troubled marriage, an overbearing mom, (ahem), the pain of watching a loved one die.
Yes, there’s drug abuse, yes, there’s sex, but it’s real people making real mistakes…
…and coming out okay in the end.
This type of movie resonates with me. I feel more alive when I’m done watching them, not sluggish or like I’ve mentally checked out for two hours. It’s a movie that makes me reevaluate life, which is why I also fell in love with Cake. Again, there’s some sex and quite a bit of language, but the lead character’s spirit stole my heart. (It’s Jennifer Anniston in an amazing role.) Having gone down that road of substance abuse…and having seen the light of mercy at the end of the tunnel…
Well, there you go and here we go.
I want to be alive, not dead, on this journey called life and yikes, that means embracing the pain. It means loving hard and then letting go. It means looking up with trust and not forward (or back) with fear.
Thank you, God, and thank you, Netflix.
A good movie’s a gift when life gets hard.
"Losing my oldest."
When I read someone using that turn of phrase, I can't help but think of people who really have lost their oldest.
I see what you mean, Erin, but rather than change my phrasing, (and make your comment obsolete), I'd like to apologize to anyone who has lost a child. I hope they (and you) understand what I meant.
I’ve lost my oldest, and my youngest, and all the ones in between. But the thing was when I ‘lost’ my youngest it was with the sure knowledge that forever she would be in the arms of her Father in Heaven and I would never spend even a moment of worry about her ever again. I’m STILL worrying about the rest of them because that’s what we moms do!
I really wanted to see Cake, but Tom saw it and said I wouldn't like it. (I like happy endings)
Maybe I would??
I just put Terms of Endearment on my que yesterday! Not sure if I ever actually saw it or not…
I think you need to watch some happy.
Seriously.
We just watched Forever Strong. Based on a true story—really really good.
And it has happy in it. And sad.
I don't even want to think of the day Nicholas goes off to college. And I don't have to for 3 years.
That's all I have to say about that…except you will be a pro by then and I'll be calling you.
My oldest is leaving the nest this fall too, and I come to you as you put into words what I am feeling. They ARE ready to leave, but we aren't ready to let them go. Too many people keep saying to me that when they leave, it will never be the same. I am trying to embrace the fact that he has an exciting year of college ahead and feel glad for him, and try not to feel so sad for myself. And remember that he is only 3 1/2 hours away! š Renee
I have to tell you I have watched Cake twice and would watch it again. There is something about that broken spirit that speaks to me — I don't know why. Do I want to save her? Am I her? No idea, but I get her. And I can't believe she's played by Jennifer Aniston — not the Jennifer Aniston of any other film.
And Jamie — I wouldn't say it doesn't have a happy ending. Maybe not happy, but it has hope. And maybe that's what I really appreciated about that movie. That and the pithy lines.
PS Mags, you have to let go before he will ever learn that you know what you're talking about — about anything. You know it, I know it.
When you go to Adoration, or Mass, imagine yourself leaving him with Him. Walk him down the aisle to the altar and leave him in His hands. He's got him, babes. You know He does. He's safe there. (And when it gets really bad — lock him in the tabernacle. That's what I do when I'm really desperate. They leave the tabernacle open during Communion for a reason — so you can put your children in there and close the doors and lock them in. With Him. Safe and sound.)
Margaret, I feel your pain!
My oldest is entering her final year of college, my second is a sophomore, we’ve been touring with the third for entrance in 2016, and the rest continue to follow for the next several years. I look around my dinner table at night with it’s empty chairs and I know that things in my life will never be the same – my family will never be the same. We are changing – sometimes so rapidly I can’t catch my breath – and it hurts! It’s hurts deep in my core, but I remind myself that this is what mothering means – it means loving and letting go, and then loving some more and letting go again, just like the toddler who climbs in and out of our arms time and again, only this time the distances are longer. They do run back to us though. Now it’s maybe a phone call instead of jumping into my arms, or a seat on my bed at unholy times of the night, but they do come back! It’s just different than it used to be and it requires a different style of love – perhaps a deeper and wiser kind of love. I struggle with feeling unprepared for this type of loving. I don’t feel wise enough or mature enough to fill the needs they have now, but I’m holding out hope that at the same time that they’ve been growing up, I have been too, and that God will fill in the gaps where I lack.
Keep up the good fight! Remember that there are others out there feeling the same pains and knowing the same worries. Trust that God’s grace IS sufficient! (that there’s a tough one, but a true one!)
God bless you and your family,
Peggy
ps. I’m a Margaret too!
you are not losing a child, but gaining an adult. I would really like to hear more about that tattoo of yours…..hint hint.
Father Donald Calloway (great story) has a tattoo of the grateful dead on his shoulder. He was so drunk and stoned, he did not even remember getting it put on. After conversion he almost had it removed, but he felt the Lord telling him to use it as a prop when he tells his conversion story.
What a beautiful post. My oldest is 15, and the thought of this truly scares me,
I love Terms of Endearment! (Go stand by the car, honey!)
Cannot wait to check out cake.
xoxo
I have been there and done that with my oldest. It was so so hard to let him go…especially dropping him off at college. Broke my heart. I love these kids of mine. I have seen too many people easily walk away from God. And they continue to walk further and further. I also worry about my children and how they will embrace the Catholic faith. Our faith is not too popular right now. So, I totally get you. ps. show me your tattoo sometime!!!
Great post! I’m right behind you and ditto what you write. I think I’ll go ditto what you watched š
What you write about being “alive, not dead” coincides with something I’ve been thinking about lately. Carl Jung wrote about Unlived Lives and the burden that can place on the next generation. Basically, if our parent took a path they regret or that kept them from being truly ALIVE, that regret can burden us with an unconscious desire to live our parent’s life (for them) instead of our own. It can keep us from finding and sharing our own special gifts. There are a lot of movies about the Unlived Life – Family Man with Nicholas Cage for example, or even It’s a Wonderful Life – that always resonate with me. Like Cake for you, they make me reflect on how important it is that I truly LIVE as only I can, so that my daughter is not burdened with my regrets.
Great new website, by the way!
My youngest is leaving for college that is 9 hours away. I am so sad. My consolation is that she is going to a wonderful authentically Catholic college.