Help me, please. I am head-over-heels in love with my toddler.
I blame those toes.
In any case, the real problem is not my love for George but rather, my unwillingness to wean him. My husband thinks I should wean him as he (my baby) is still very fond of nursing and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in…oh…the 21 months since George was born.
My husband thinks I should wean George.
Shouldn’t that be enough for me?
(I tell my husband that he’s just jealous but in truth I’m hiding behind the joke. In truth I don’t really want to obey; in truth, I do not WANT to wean.)
But wait–there’s more! If I wean my baby I can go on retreat–a silent retreat, a weekend retreat–that takes place a month and a half from now. That’s enough time, isn’t it? Enough time to gradually cut back on the nursing; enough time to wean both him and me; enough time to let go of that precious closeness with my baby, my son, my last little one.
No.
There should never be enough time for that.
I've nursed my last three kids until they were a litle past their second birthday. However, I started night weaning them anywhere between 19-21 months, once I get my cycle back. Is this a whole weekend retreat? If so, you could start slowly weaning him now. He's old enough you could distract him. He may do fine, or he may get upset. It all depends. You have to decide because if you are torn at all it's going to make the whole process harder. That being said, I would probably just not nurse those few days being gone and see if he is interested when I come back…but after at least cutting down the amount of nursing at least. You don't want to be uncomfortable. Good luck.
I wouldn't want to wean either.
we nursed until two but night weaned around a year so i could. just. get. some. sleep.
you might try that š
also? weaning the youngest slash last baby? would make me want to curl up and cry, so i totally hear you on NOT wanting too! (there will always be another retreat….)
As a breastfeeding mom of four (soon to be five) I never understood why some mothers were that fond of breastfeeding. I always felt a close bond just by snuggling, playing, kissing, etc my kids. Breastfeeding was just a nutritional thing for me.
I wanted to give them the best start, but I was very happy when they were getting the majority of their nutritional needs elsewhere (around a year) so I could stop nursing. Other mammals only nurse their babies for as long as their baby needs the food, it seems to me only some human mamas grow this attachment to it and don't want to stop.
I'm really not trying to be impolite about this, you are an amazing mom that I look up to in so many ways, I just can't wrap my head around this love of nursing. Maybe I just need to change my attitude towards it š
Such a tough decision. My kids all weaned at different ages. The oldest was 3 and the youngest was 14 months. That was a heartbreaker which I regret since it was for purely selfish reasons! Going on a retreat isn't a selfish reason, especially at this age.
Sounds like a good opportunity for a heart to heart with hubby. Can he handle a recently weaned or incompletely weaned toddler for the weekend? Is weaning him going the change substantially the affection your husband receives? I do believe the marriage relationship trumps nursing a toddler, but couples often think everything will be magically better if that child is not nursing, and that's not necessarily true. Maybe changes could be made without weaning?
Just food for thought here. Whichever way you go, I don't want you to regret it.
Margaret, Can I confess to profound jealousy? It's been 8 months since Ben decided he was DONE with nursing. I'd love to have your problem.
Though I think I'd have done some night weaning just to get sleep. I'm very jealous about my sleep too. I don't know how on earth anyone can do that for 21 months. I think I'd be in a padded room.
Not very helpful here, but husbands totally don't get the relationship between a nursing mother and her baby and I completely ignore mine's advice regarding mothering. He's not a mother, after all. It's not disobedience in my book. And that silent retreat? There will be another one. That baby? It's a once in a lifetime thing. š
My son is 15.5 months and nurses 3x a day. I started weaning him from 6x a day to 3 about 2 months ago when he wasn't gaining any weight–the dr. suggested he wasn't eating enough solids bc he was drinking so much milk. He didn't have any desire to wean and neither did I…but 2 months later, he's gained over 2 lbs after not gaining any for 5 months. He started sleeping 12 hrs at night at 6 months on his own, so night weaning happened a while ago…lucky me š My husband has asked when I am going to totally wean him…but I haven't gotten there yet. We're getting ready to try for baby #2, so I guess weaning will have to come sooner rather than later.
Good luck!
My 21 month old son was waking up at least 2 or 3 (if not 4, 5, or 6) times a night and I would always nurse him back to sleep. 3 weeks ago I reluctantly night weaned him and ten days later he was sleeping through the night. I feel like a new woman! He still nurses during the day so I feel like I have the best of both worlds. Good luck to you!
There will be other retreats, decades of them. George hasn't got much babyhood left … The mother-baby nursing dyad is a beautiful one, with multiple health and emotional and spiritual benefits for both for as long as the relationship endures: you (and he) are blessed. I'm so sorry your husband isn't supportive of you nursing longer, that must be very hard.
May I step back into the conversation to ask: HOW DO YOU NIGHT WEAN WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YOU?
You move him into a different room, right?
My poor older sons. š
I've left two of my toddlers (one was 18mos the other was a couple mos older), with my mom, for up to two nights to go on a weekend trip with my husband. I do not 'do' bottles, so that wasn't an option. They both wanted to return to nursing when I returned from the trip, which made me happy. I do bring a pump along so I'm not uncomfortable.
Anyway, I wouldn't want to wean, either and would be torn if my husband made his opinion known (has hasn't ever!). I've usually tried to do 'baby-lead' weaning.
Prayers being said for you as you make this decision! A silent retreat sounds very heavenly to me right now – the house is oh-so-very-very-very LOUD!!
Speaking as someone no longer nursing and very sad about that, I think you should nurse as long as possible.
Oh, gosh, I have written right next to the computer, "Breastfeeding" to remind me to post about this very same thing!!
My husband wants me to wean too, when they get to this age, you know, a year and a half…. I am still nursing her like 5 or more times per day. I love it. She loves it.
Why quit?
Right?
I'm telling myself I'm waiting til after vacation, so, you know she will go to sleep and I can nurse her on the airplane….but I will be so very sad to start the weaning process after that…..
I totally understand what you are going through.
I have a kink in my neck everyday cause my baby is on me a ton at night. She nurses a lot.
I think you should keep nursing that little sweet guy.
Oh, and I'm with JennieC, husbands don't get it, there will be another retreat and maybe not another baby….
Margaret
Breast feeding is such a difficult (and sometimes touchy) subject that normally I bow out of these conversations.
Sometimes I think us mothers tend to want to continue to breast feed for the wrong reasons. It's one thing to do it for nourishment, but past the age of one, the baby is able to take his own nourishment.
Don't get me wrong, I think bonding through breast feeding is wonderful and God given. But the milestone of being ABLE (using your words) to wean is harder for us than the child. It's more tough for us women, being the emotional creatures that we are to give this up than it is for the child. For the child, they are giving up a routine and nothing more. But to give up breast feeding and breaking that physical bond is an acknowledgment of your child growing up–sometimes a tough thing when it's your last baby–but it's a good thing, and what God intended. There are still cuddling times you can do with your child on the couch, snuggling in bed or reading a book.
I don't think it's fair for us to consider your husband as being unsupportive. He is being exactly what we women need–practical. Personally, I agree with him, but that's just me. I'm not saying that this decision is easy, but what descion is ever easy for us mothers to make when we are doing it for our children's good and so they can grow up to be healthy and independent?
Last, as for the actual weaning, I had to move out of the room (I was in the same situation as you with other children in other rooms) and for a few months, I slept with my husband in the pull out couch. I'm not saying that this should be your solution too, I'm just saying that that was what I had to do. But you're right–physical seperation will make it tons easier.
I also started introducing sippy cups during the day with juice in it. (I normally did this around 5 months but I was still breast feeding.) I would put the baby down for "breaks" for her to play in her crib and give her the sippy cup. Eventually I put this in her nap routine, and then at night it wasn't a problem. I would do this while weaning but gradually cutting down the feedings.
Hope this helps–and even though my vote is that you wean now (because really, at what age is it ever easy to wean?) I know from my own experience how tough emotionally it can be. I cried too. But with it were happy tears because I knew I might be losing a baby, but I was gaining a child.
Trust your instincts. You will know when you are ready. It'll be sooner or it'll be later, but either way it will be just fine.
oh, that's a tuff one. i never weaned any of my kids. i let them all wean themselves…probably because i never knew when it would happen and i didn't want to be the "cause"…and now that my "baby" is six going on seven…i look back and am so glad i didn't! that time goes by way. too. quickly. (in my opinion, there will always be time for retreats…i haven't been to one in over six years just so ya know!) but i totally understand hubby's reasoning. it's a guy thing. (i say that, yet our "baby" still sleeps with us and my husband has no qualms about letting him(still) continue to do so) but this year it will be time to go to a big boy bed. and i'll be ok with it because i know we had that closeness for so long.
so listen to your heart and your body. and pray about it!
ps. george has "that" face…i couldn't say no either…love those toes poking out of jammies. i have a similar picture and i just treasure it!
Margaret, we recently found ourselves needing to night wean our daughter who sleeps in our bed! We started by feeding her a toddler yogurt cup before bed so she would be less hungry during the night. Then if she did wake up, we would try to comfort her with back rubs or singing. If none of that worked I would give a drink or snack and then rock her back to sleep. It took a while, but it worked!
I didn't have to wean any of my kids, sigh, they just weaned themselves.
I personally think that trying to wean George with a set date in mind, and within a month, may put too much pressure on you and baby. There will be other retreats.
Pray about it. I would also talk it out with hubby. Some husbands really want to be included in weaning…some not all, but you know your hubby.
Well that's my 2 cents š
We just night weaned E. She still sleeps in our room. I've never really wanted to wean, but have had to for a wide variety of reasons.
Here's how it worked for us.
1) Big snack before bed and lots of water.
2) Dad rocks baby to sleep (or big brother, or big sister) if possible.
3) When baby asks to nurse at night. Say no. Baba's are sleeping. You can have babas in the morning. They will cry. Comfort them, rock them, offer a sip of water in a sippy cup. Dad can do this, too.
4) Wait for him to ask to nurse in the morning.
We spent a lot of time talking about how we weren't going to nurse at night in mommy and daddy's bedroom. We talked about how mommy's babas needed sleep, too. I still don't nurse her in our room anymore. We stopped nursing in public a couple of months ago. She understands, "No, we only nurse at home." She now also understands, "No, we don't nurse in mommy and daddy's room" and "No, we will nurse once the sun is up and we are downstairs."
That doesn't mean she always likes the answer, but she's no longer nursed to sleep in my room, but sleeps there every night.
However, I didn't say she doesn't nurse to sleep. Sometimes I do nurse her at bedtime and naptime, just not in my room.
Wean him? Don't do it. You can't go back:) Don't put him in another bed, either. He's so little! Find a way:) And skip this retreat. He needs you at home with him all night.
we nightweaned with ours in the bed with us. for a few nights, papa slept in the living room, but that was just so he didn't have to hear the crying.
here is a GREAT GREAT GREAT article that we used to nightwean and continue to cosleep:
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Wow. That's a toughie. It's one part of his babyhood that you can still literally hold on to. I would suggest that you don't rush yourself, but don't force it to continue either.
Lord, I pray wisdom and peace for Margaret, and understanding in their marriage.
Blessings!
Hannah
LLL has a good rule of thumb, "Nurse as long as the mother and baby are both happy."
You want to keep nursing, George wants to keep nursing….so keep nursing.
If you *wanted* to wean it would certainly be reasonable to. He is 21 months and would do just fine without breast milk.
If he was done nursing you certainly wouldn't force him to for the sake of meeting your emotional needs.
But neither of the two scenarios is the case. Keep nursing. He is still a BABY. As you know they grow up fast, in a blink of an eye…. you are not hindering his 'growing up' by nursing him a while longer.
There will be other opportunities for retreat. Even so, you could probably go and take a pump and resume nursing when you come back.
I actually weaned one child by going away for a few days-I was pregnant and very, very ill-he needed to be done. He went cold turkey when I left. God Bless my friend, Ann, who watched him that weekend!!
Oh I so know how you feel. My 3 yr old weened somewhere around 2.5 but I don't even remember when exactly. He nursed the longest….do you think it has anything to do with the fact that he is likely to be the last? Enjoy it while it lasts…all good things come to an end.
I wean my babies at night around the time they are one. My babies sleep with us too. I do it slowly, but I don't kick them out of bed as I feel that would be too much for them all at once. They move into a bed near ours at about 11/2 yrs. Maybe the first might I'll nurse only after midnight…next night one. Etc. I like that they can understand when I tell them no, I'm sorry…time to sleep. I weaned him just before he turned two, as I'm pregnant now and I (and my husband) wanted me to go on a silent retreat I've waited almost 3 years to go to!
A silent retreat is a wonderful thing, but is God calling you to attend it?
If He is, He will give you, your husband, and George the grace you need and the peace you long for.
Love you, Margaret! :O)
You could always sleep somewhere else and leave him in the room with your husband for a few days. That is what we did, then she came back and slept with me again and there was definitely reminders for a while that we don't nurse at night. Although for us, night-weaning did not mean sleeping through the night. Good luck.
I don't know why husbands think they can tell us to wean (mine did). I finally caved at 2.5 years old.
God bless you for nursing sweet George for this long! It's not easy, but it's such a blessing, for mother, baby, and the other family members. Pray about it, have a heart-to-heart with your husband about it, consider night weaning (No Cry Sleep Solution is a great book) instead of weaning completely at first. Ask for the intercession of Our Lady of La Leche — our blessed Mother nursed baby Jesus (probably for 3 to 4 years from what we know of nursing lenghts at the time, gasp!:) and she will intercede for you and help you make the right decision for your entire family. Only you can make the right decision; you know George and yourself and your family best! God bless you!
I nursed my kids until they were two, but by that age they were usually only nursing to go to sleep for an afternoon nap and to go to sleep at night. Occasionally they'd nurse more if they were sick. I did nurse my last past two. My husband would joke about it, but he understood my feelings about "the baby." Sleep was never a big deal since we always slept with our babies. However, I've always noticed an energy boost once I stopped "being milked". While I'm a big proponent of breastfeeding, I'm glad to be done. My wardrobe and bra selections have gotten a lot simpler.
After the baby falls asleep, move him in bed with one of your girls. Sometimes all a toddler wants is a warm body to snuggle. Your son might be willing, but I find the girl's latent mommy gene is more reliable.
Only you know all the reasons your husband is asking this of you. I say, work it out with him and the Lord, not us. š
Hi Margaret,
Of my 5 boys the longest time I nursed was with Levi, for 2 1/2 years and the only reason I stopped was because I was pregnant with Luke…. and it HURT!! Those two boys are now 27 and 24 and I still miss it. I don't know how the years have gone so fast so I say keep nursing George, for before you know it he will be a man and you will be like me, looking back longingly and wishing for those sweet times.
Gwen
Oh! So hard! In regard to your question about weaning while sleeping in the same room: it is possible. I did it with all of mine. I did have to let them cry some, but I just cuddled them and told them that Mommy's milk was all gone (I didn't think of that as lying, but just as "no more" in toddler talk) and had a sippy cup with water available for a drink.
For my most stubborn it did take a week or two for him to stop waking and asking (I can't even remember exactly how long now), but he had been nursing 6-7 times a night, so I expected it to be hard for him.
I know you will do the best thing for you and your sweet little guy. Saying a little prayer!
While all offer some good advice, I think Kristin Laurence offers the cream of the crop. š At the end of the day, it's none of our business – and I'm sure that I echo the sentiments of us all: you'll be fine no matter what you and your husband decide together. George is loved – and that's priceless.
If you and the baby don't want to, then it is too soon. My youngest, who is just over two, still nurses every night. She needs it, emotionally. Maybe you and "George" do too.
I won't address the should or should not wean question. But the HOW to night-wean, at least, which I think is the crucial issue.
In contrast with others, I have to say that the night wean problem is YOURS and not your husband's. Yes, it makes things go faster to sleep on the couch and let daddy handle the crying tot at 2 am, but my husband has to go to work and would not be a happy camper if I dumped the problem of consoling a cranky kid who was being deprived of the night-time crutch that my wife had encouraged. I have gotten myself and the cranky kid out of bed and into the living room where we snuggled on the couch (or I calmly said, "No" while the tot screamed and kicked), until the child or I fell back asleep. Repeat this process every night until child stops waking and asking for it. To make this approach a bit more gradual, mentally set a time in your mind that you won't nurse before (2 am? 3 am?), and if he wakes and asks before then, hold him off until the designated time. Make the time later and later until it's morning.
Once I've had children weaned at night and nursing only sporatically during the day, I have left them with daddy for long periods of time (a very long day or even overnight). At this point, he nurses mostly for comfort and affection than calories. He might be a bit sad with you gone, but the kids will keep him distracted.
I am sorry and this may be unpopular, but remember this is a boy who is going to be a man some day. You want him to be a leader in his church, family, etc. Let go and let him grow up and start forming that independence. We already have a world full of pansy men who have no spine.
Anonymous, your comment made me laugh and regret that you didn't sign your name. Ten to one you're a guy.
My little brother will not be a pansy if i can help it.*
*And I can help it.
20-1 anon is an unmarried, childless guy š
I don't know you other than to read your blog but when I read I see a beautiful family. Children naturally flow forth from the love in a marriage. Listen to your husband's concerns and share your concerns with him. You'll make the right decision.
You know, you could try to night-wean without weaning totally. It's a good first step to take — all of my kids were night-weaned long before they weaned completely. I did it later than you are contemplating doing it, but the principle is the same: make Dad wake up with the baby at night until either the baby stops waking at night or Dad gives up making you night-wean š
I nursed 4 children and they all weaned when they wanted to, My last one is now 17 and I still have very fond memories of nursing. Cherish this time while you can. There will be more retreats, and George might not be ready yet. You might not be ready either. And, I love those nursing cheeks!! He will lose them when he stops! Live in the moment with your little one, you know what is in your heart, and you should listen to those heartstrings carefully.
Actually this is anonymous again and I am a mother to 6 children. 4 girls and 2 boys. I have breastfed all my children. I spoke up because I am surrounded by moms who seem to overly protect their boys and it amazes me. My husband and I talk about it all the time because it makes me sad to see this. I am a devote Catholic who sees her friends not even allow their sons to stand when they pee. Are you kidding me? I had to speak up because I want boys to be boys and I want my daughters to marry wonderful, strong, Catholic men and with the Catholic moms I have been hanging around, I am a little worried. By no means do I think you are like this Margaret, but it just was something I wanted to say to make moms see another viewpoint.
Anonymous: Point taken. Thank you for clarifying!
I read this post and have to comment! I nursed 6 babies, all but one until 18 months or more. Someone asked me if I was going to nurse my 5th baby until age 2 because the Pope recommended it. What? I had never heard that the Pope said anything about that, but I felt I had permission to nurse that long. Then I went to age 3 with my last baby. I did a quick search to try to find when the Pope said that, and this is what I came up with: http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=5473
Two of mine weaned pretty naturally at about 14 or 15 months, but Ramona, I think, was dishing out critiques on my nursing technique before she finally weaned. š
If it were me, I'd pray about the retreat, pray with my husband (and ask him to pray about both the retreat and nursing) and pray about how I really, truly feel about it all. Looking back, I'm not sorry I nursed Ramona as long as I did, but I do have to say that it was really, really hard to be as sleep deprived as I was for so long. I don't think of myself as being a good source of advice on sleep issues with kids, though, so, who knows?
Pray and listen, and I'm sure you'll come to a peaceful decision!
OK, not commenting on the subject–just the pic. I love those bare toes sticking out of those PJ's. Super cute! Keep the jammies—just for that reason.
Cheri
Michael Jordan nursed until he was at least 3 yrs. old…no pansy! Check out "How Weaning Happens"…good resource.
I just have to say that this is the cutest picture ever! And even though I'm pregnant with baby three and it's been over six months since baby two weaned (about 1.5), I still pick her up sometimes and regret that I can't nurse her. I wouldn't rush it, even for a retreat!
Extended nurser here, not raising pansies I promise š Just secure, confident, opinionated little people!
Seriously, Catholic moms, please do some research, hopefully with your husband. Good chance Jesus was nursed until 3 years old! It's so much more than an emotional need. I recommend Sheila Kippley's book Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood. Also, Katherine Dettwyler's research on biologically normal breastfeeding (ie: the way God designed the mother/baby "dyad", before bizarre, materialistic cultures messed it up…) I think we still have the instincts, which dads don't have, but good research should come before decisions like this. (Reason doesn't contradict faith!) All that to say, each family is different and should make personal, prayerful, and evidence-based decisions to meet the needs of the whole family. Please also check out the Catholic Nursing Mother's League, which has a website and a Yahoo group. God bless all the moms out there trying to sort through these issues! It's a journey…