On Failing to Love and Growing in Trust and Trying to Laugh and Yeah.
Today I’m making this French Toast for breakfast because I owe the kids at least that.
Last night was bad. This morning will be better.
I’m a mommy who bakes in reparation.
It was really just one of those days. I thought and thought about the people in the Philippines but…in the end and because they are so very far away…I kept coming back to my own hard life.
It’s not that hard.
But it’s taxing.
Coffee’s my hottie. We rendezvous often.
It’s being on all the time that wears me out–that and the constant bickering. These little spats among the siblings? They wear. Me. OUT.
Don’t get me wrong: I love being home with them. I love homeschooling! It’s the best sort of challenge, which is why (pay attention!) I want to bring Cate back home. She wants it too–wants to come back to this crazy/beautiful life.
A crazy idea, right? But beautiful.
Yesterday was the kind of day where I needed to pray. I needed to pray and I did, kneeling on the cold hard concrete in the garage where I’d gone to take out a bag of garbage.
It was, would you believe, a moment of grace. I called out to God in my littleness–“I can’t do this!” I told Him. “You have to help me!”–and the tears rolled down off my face onto the dusty floor, where I saw (through those tears) two small pine needles in the form of a cross.
My heart found peace in that tiny cross…
…and then Felicity opened the door and saw me kneeling on the concrete. At that point, my heart found embarrassment.
* * * * *
Nursing. All the time.
I love it but gosh, I need to get things done.
It’s the husband–poor husband–who’s been on the outside of all this drama. He’s a guy. He’s always outside all the drama. At the end of the day he comes to me…like them, with his very basic need for love…and I can’t. I’m spent. Completely spent.
He sighs and he goes and I feel guilty.
I need grace to love as I’m meant to love.
I need grace, certainly, and I need to be at peace with not finishing. I fly through my day thinking at some point I’ll “finish.” If only I stay busy…work harder…be more organized…I’ll have the house & the home & the order I crave.
Except…we’re not meant to finish. Not in this life, anyway, and that’s why I tell myself–on days when I struggle and feel the weight of my failure–that heaven, dear Margaret, will be so much better.
I don’t have to finish! I don’t have to be done.
I just have to love. I have to trust and love. I have to trust and love and keep going and love.
Heaven will be better than even our very best day.
Amen!! "I just have to love. I have to trust and love. I have to trust and love and keep going and love." Those will be my words today, my dear:) Yesterday was a day for us (i mean me); and these words will inspire me today. God Bless you, sister!
God bless you too. : )
Don't feel bad about your reaction to the disaster in the Philippines. I think that's sort of something we have to do, in our 24 hour news world–detach a bit–because if we don't then we're just overwhelmed, all the time, with everything in the world. It doesn't make you a bad person.
It's hard though, Emily. Those poor sweet souls!
Boy, oh, boy! I can relate so well to this post. I tried to write about it the other day, but as always, you say it much, much better. Praying for you, dear Margaret!
That post of yours touched my heart, Jenny! I forget if I left a comment or not and forgive me if I didn't. I remember thinking, "A day in a momma's life!"
Love you, Hon.
Tom wanted me to go with him to drive Katherine to uni-cycling and I tried to be ready, really I did. But when 7pm zoomed by and I was scrambling trying to wipe up the baby, clean up the kitchen, tell each kid left what they needed to do while I was gone, and fill my water bottle…I just frantically said, "Just go!" "I can't do it!" he did, Not completely understanding why I can't "just go".
(that was last night)
And yesterday 2 kids (the oldest 2) cannot get along even enough to rake together. But the youngest sure can. The oldest 2 want money for their raking and they want it now and they want the most…the little kids are like, "We don't need any money mama" No, you don't, and you've got the job.
Mondays are hard. They just are. And you are right, heaven will be better!!
It also sounds like the Cate thing is put on your heart by God. Just do it. Bring her home. You can do it. It's hard to go back to only littles all day again.
Love and prayers for you dear Mags.
What is it about us women that makes it impossible to just GO? Would our house fall apart if it did? Probably, but would it be THAT big a deal?
Love to you too, Jamesters. I know you understand.
You could have written these words for me, Margaret. This morning started out as one of "those" days. In the crazy morning rush of getting kids off to school and the kids bickering over every little thing all while trying to beat the bus – I prayed out loud while making the kids' lunches – "Lord, please send me some help. I can't do this by myself anymore." I was able to hold back the tears until the bus left the driveway. Baking in reparation – love it! I think there will be cookies and hot chocolate when the kids come home. Prayers for you & yours Margaret! ~ Natalie
Cookies and hot cocoa sound perfect, Natalie. Tomorrow is always another day.
Beautifully written. I can definitely relate!
Thank you, Julie. ♥
{{hugs}} and prayers for you Margaret. Remember, you've got a wee baby! Life with a babt/toddler is not the same as daily life once baby is older. Be easy on yourself. And yes! Bring cate home, it sounds like what you both want and need 🙂
It's not an easy decision, Ellie, but we're praying!
Last night after a heroic day of doing GREAT, my kids fell apart – and then I did too. It happens, we all pick ourselves up and pray, pray, pray. Today is new, it is better – I've given myself permission to drink coffee slowly and gulp down some Grace.
I wondered if the big things you are praying about were with regards to homeschooling, gosh I wish we were neighbors because as someone who homeschooled, put kids in school and now feels called to homeschool again I could so use a talk with another Mom who struggles, but KNOWS God is calling. I ask myself why, when I know all my imperfections but keep finding again that he is telling me to get behind myself, it is about them. His plan for them, I just need to trust him. *hugs* to you and I truly do wish we could visit, but for now I offer you my prayers and when you fall short, know you are not alone!
I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone. It feels like we are sometimes, doesn't it? And then it's so easy to fall apart, even though I KNOW that we moms are meant to be the thermostat in our homes. When we're not happy, ain't nobody happy.
Thank you for your sweet comment. : )
Amen sister!
Praying for you today.
Thank you, Janine. This could have been a "Weigh-in Wednesday" post, huh? ; )
Heaven is better because it's the reward. The reward is ALWAYS better than the work needed to receive it.
The image of you on the garage floor, and being "caught" in prayer…I laughed out loud because I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me. Now I just pray out loud, or at least move my lips and the kids just know…mom's praying, better watch it.
Be kind to yourself. You can not do it all…no one can. But keep yourself a tidy corner at least — face the wall if you must to avoid "the view." Make sure you are eating well, and not "too much" coffee, and get enough sleep. I know..all things requiring self control, but worth it in the long run. You'll feel better. And take a walk — even just 15 minutes will help. I find the fresh air a better balm than anything else.
PS Don't throw rotten tomatoes, but it would not hurt for the baby to take a bottle once or twice a day from one of the girls. They would love it, he would love it, and you would get a break. Formula will not hurt him. Like I said…no rotten tomatoes, please. Just lovin' you.
Barbara, for my first five children I viewed formula as anathema. By the time little George rolled along, I was like, "Okay, maybe one bottle here and there." Now, with Francis, I'm all "There's formula in the cupboard! I'll be home in a couple hours, okay?!"
No rotten tomatoes here. Just humble pie for this once prideful lass.
PS. Love you too.
Oh (Maragaret), I wasn't even going to check blogs until everything was finished today, but it never is finished, and I'm so glad I did! I will be praying for you today (and daily)! You are in a hard spot, and yet, darn it, we moms are supposed to be the constant for all these little people (and still have some to give to our poor, unsuspecting husbands).
Not that you need our advice, but it does sound like you all would love to have Cate back home. Nothing wrong with that.
Okay, before I comment on every aspect of your post (because I totally could), I'll just leave it at "Love you!!!!"
You remembered the "Maraget" story! Love you too, sweet Meghan.♥
You are in my prayers. Take one day at a time….you are not alone.
Thank you. ♥
Praying that your day goes better today Margaret. Your post sounds so much like a description of my days at times (except I would actually hide and pray in the laundry room in our last house because no one but me would actually go in there, lol That is where the extra refrigerator and the beer used to be kept for the REALLY bad days.) *hugs*
Betsy, you make me laugh so hard. Hugs to you too, and to that yummy baby boy.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing this. I can so relate. How beautifully you write and express yourself. And I think it is beautiful that your daughter "caught" you praying. You are a great witness. I have fond memories of my parents praying, and it gives me console and reminds me to pray and seek the Lord in all circumstances. ((Hugs)) to you and your beautiful family.
Melissa, your words are kind and beautiful! Thank you.♥
I was right! I was right! I guessed your need for discernment was around bringing Cate back home. I think you encapsulated perfectly in 4 words why it was a good choice: "this crazy/beautiful life." That's what God brings us. The crazy. The beautiful. That's how growth happens.
What a blessing for Felicity that she caught you in prayer. What a wonderful example to her.
Bless you, the days of a mother are hard indeed. Crazy days which wear us down. Beautiful days which remind us why we're alive at all.
I figured you'd nail it, Sarah. You're savvy & intuitive that way. ; )
Bless you, dear lady! Some days are just plain Really Hard. And a new day dawns and we get up in the morning and we wait and see and hope and trust that we are able to embrace what the Lord is handing to us for that one day. Do you not think when Our dear Lord fell down, not once but three times, that He felt totally spent? We all fall down on Hard days, but He gives us the grace to get up again.
I wondered if that's what the pic of you and Cate meant. 🙂 And Felicity finding you in the garage is so beautiful – not something to be embarrassed about. (embarrassing is having to scroll back up to your post to check how to spell embarrassed) That picture of you will remain with her forever, and she will be so blessed by it. When she is grown, and has children, and has a Hard day, she will remember. She is so blessed to have a mother who prays, who drops to her knees when need be. And the pine cross – what a gift. xo
YOU are a gift, Kimberlee, in a hundred different ways.
I have never entered a comment on your blog, but I just felt the need to tell you that I love reading your blog. I love your honesty and your faith. You are just wonderful! Thank you for telling your story and your truths. I am one of those anonymous people (living here in the greater Twin Cities) that love reading your blog. You have been quite an inspiration, and I thank you!!!!
You got me way, way curious. ; )
I've been to 'that place' more than I care to remember. Somedays, if it weren't for the nursing little one, I'd like to run far away…at least for a little while. Prayers to you, Margaret.
Prayers for you too, Suzie. Still trying to be as good a homemaker as you!
Thank you, Margaret.
: )
Praying for you, Mags.
Right back at you, Tess.
You inspire me every time I read your blog and I think you are wonderful! Praying…..
JoAnnC. you are sweet sweet sweet! Thank you, friend.
Love so many things about this post. It made me think of my fifth grade school play. Thanks to the wonder of youtube I can share this happy little song with you. Hope you enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NgHODheGtI
That's a sweet, sweet song! Thank you for sharing it.
Hey Maggie,
I've been away from blogland so much… but felt the strong 'need' to check tonight.
Not crazy at all — Bring Cate home. When I read that she was gong to school, I shuddered and couldn't imagine how you could let her go…but knew you felt you had to.
I taught the oldest 2 boys through high school. (It is so doable! Remember the attorney?!) But Candice went her junior year of high school outside of the house, and knew within the first few weeks it was a mistake. However, I didn't hear about that until 2 days before the start of her senior year. She begged Craig and I to keep her home, and so we did. Best decision we made.
You will not regret having Cate home. You can teach her everything she needs from now through high school. She's about ready to take the reigns and lead the way anyway. All she needs is guidance and lots of support.
Great post. God bless you, Mags.
Trust me, Lori. If we bring her home I will be calling you. Daily.
Prayers to you…
There are a few, ahem, homeschoolers over here that would love to see Cate back in their group. They miss her (and so do I).
Love you, love this post. Can relate on so many levels.
I can't believe I forgot to comment straight to your post because I know how much you love those comments! The first time I read this post I immediately shared it in FB because I think this captures such a feeling in all of us. That moment when you just want to scream and you fall on your knees instead. I too have the fighting sibling dilemma right now with my two oldest. My baby though is weaning and I'm so torn. I know it's best for us both but alas he is my baby! Anyways know I always keep you close in prayer and understand so very much.
Sounds like if Cate wants to come home…it would be a blessing. Sounds like your baby might need more food!!! or he just likes to pacify on you like my babe did.
I think it's BOTH, Christine. He pacified (almost) all night last night, (YAWN), and I think I need to give him a bigger supper. He's getting sick of those squishy astronaut packs, though!
Just simply ask God, humbly and with your heart open, what is best for Cate's soul. He WILL answer. It is that simple. "Pray, hope & don't worry"…Padre Pio.
One of my very favorite quotes from one of my very favorite saints. And you know, last night my 9th grader said that he's chosen St. Pio for his confirmation name! Too cool.
You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have days like that. It gives us the OPPORTUNITY to ask for forgiveness AND for much needed grace which otherwise we would not have…it presents us with the chance to grow in humility and love. Flip it around and glimpse the opportunity presented to you……..AND ….bring Cate home…..you will never regret it.
It can be hard at the time to grow in humility, can't it? And yet, we are always–ALWAYS–better off for it.
There used to be these debates in the blogosphere about what we 'should' include when we blog. Some say to only blog happy things because people know that behind the scenes we all have our not so good moments. But, I have to say…I keep coming back to you and your honesty and sometimes raw emotion here. And you are the kind of person whose blog I want and need to read. No matter how much I know that people struggle behind the scenes, sometimes hearing what specific things you struggle with (like arguing children…ack!!!) reassures me and lets me feel like I'm not alone and that I haven't completed messed up my vocation as a mother because you clearly have not! 🙂 Thanks for sharing these things, Margaret.
You're welcome, Jill. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a sweet comment.♥
Hi Margaret, Did you read Auntie Leila's post yesterday on Like Mother, Like Daughter? I was blessed by it and it made me think that you would be too. God bless!