A.K.A. My Fallen, Flawed, Predictable Me
The “real” cake, of course, was absolutely gorgeous.
“It had to be,” NiNi’s godmother teased me, “You bragged up my cakes in that birthday post!”
(Okay, so she didn’t say exactly that…though there was some ribbing about having set the bar so high.)
(When I thought about it, I realized she was right.)
(And then I felt guilty, as is my way.)
The thing is, I am very guilty of feeling pressured to perform and of making excuses when I fall short. I mean, c’mon. I see what’s out there! I check out Pinterest! Here is the short list of some of my heart’s desires: I want to be a cake decorator like Charlotte and my friend Ruth Ann; I want to sew & knit like Barbara and Jenn; I want to do stimulating school projects like Jessica and Tracy; and oh yeah, then I have to blog it all!
And clean my house.
And be a saint.
Oh to be simple like a child…
My poor kids, right?!
My poor me.
I spent some time talking about these things this past weekend with two of the women that I mentioned above. (You’re curious who they are, aren’t you? Too BAD, I’m not going tell you! Okay, fine. They were Charlotte & Tracy.) We talked about envy and insecurity, and about how we simply don’t have the time to do it all. Those are two very different things, I know, and Tracy has already written a beautiful post about choosing the best with the time she has. (Read it, please, when you’re done over here. Here’s the link.)
So let’s you and me talk about envy instead. I am very familiar with the capital sin of Envy. You could say we’re on a first name basis.
Hi, Envy! Now go away.
“Well, why can’t we choose inspiration over envy?” Charlotte wondered, and I responded, “Inspiration is a choice I make; envy is a vice I fight.” Inspiration is proactive, while envy is very very reactive.
Envy is a flash that comes justlikethat. It comes unbidden and unwelcome into my heart, and I do not give it residency when it arrives. Some women do—you and I both know that—and to give envy freedom in your heart can only lead to gossip, backbiting, bitterness and sin. I don’t want to be that kind of woman, which means that even though I might “feel” the envy, (otherwise known as a temptation), I can chase it out with prayer and grace-assisted acts of the will.
And anyway, at the end of the day, who do I want to be? Someone who sighed and cried over all that I’m not? Or someone who maybe tried her hand at something new…
…but who, above all and more than anything, loved.
St. John of the Cross wrote that when we stand before God at the end of our lives, we will not be judged on all that we’ve done but rather, on how much we loved. The wonky cakes…the unfinished scrapbooks…the quilts that never did get sewn…
…none of them matter as much as the hugs. People may not remember the things that we do, but they will always remember how we made them feel.
I’d like to close with George’s birthday party—fittingly, I hope, ‘cause that’s where I began. Our house was jam-packed with grown-ups and kids—five sets of parents and 24 kids—and it was crazy, noisy, and very good. I am so, so thankful for the gift of friends—they put up with me and my insecure quirks…
…and then they promise to teach me how to decorate cakes.
You are a silly girl. I want to make babies like Margaret (but I'm too old!) and have fun like Margaret, and speak French like Margaret. But I'm me. God only made one Margaret!
This is a difficult trap to get out of. Thank God that you are aware. The spiritual work He has done in you allows you to reflect, examine your conscience rightly, and resolve to do something different. The sanctity is not in the perfection, but in the struggle to be so. When we stop fighting here on earth, we can rest assured that the envy has won and the sanctity has ceased.
PS darling cake and darling Nini!
Margaret, your cake is every bit as beautiful as Ruth Ann's, as it was made with just as much love.
Realizing that jealousy visits me when I want what someone else has, but I'm not willing to put forth the same work to achieve it, has been eye opening. Envy still visits, but goes away more quickly when I examine my priorities and limitations. It's still such a wild beast to tame!
Thank you for the gift that you are and for the many ways your words bless me with perspective!
I envy people who are hilariously funny. I want a sense of humor that will make people pee in their pants.
I envy people who are really really good at math. I have a major math phobia it is paralyzing.
I envy people with thick hair…I feel like I am going bald.
sorry…misery loves company.
I think you are a perfect mama.
And here I was looking at you and your beautiful family and photos and blog, and wishing I was more like you!! So perhaps a good thing to remember is that while we can become envious of others, others are envious of us, and so our feelings should block each other out….and we will all be happy being ourselves 🙂
I love all the comments here! So. Much. Wisdom. Thank you (once again) for your honesty, Margaret. You speak for many, many women with very similar struggles. You're able to give voice to what so many of us keep hidden in our hearts. The struggles AND the graces.
Along the same thoughts as Charlotte expressed; I'm not envious of you, I'm inspired by you. Every time I visit your blog.
On a side note, have you read/listened to the book by Dr. Meg Meeker, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers? Elizabeth Foss recommended it awhile back and I couldn't stop myself from nodding in agreement practically the entire way through it. I downloaded the audiobook and would listen to it during dishes, walks and knitting time. So much GOOD stuff and she addresses some of what you've mentioned here. I've actually been wanting to listen to it again. Anywho, here is the amazon link in case you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/The-Habits-Happy-Mothers-Reclaiming/dp/0345518071/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338407053&sr=8-1
That book looks excellent, Kelly. Thank you for the recommendation! Fingers crossed, I went to our library's website and…they have it. YAY. It looks like a perfect read for the start of my summer.
And thank you, too, for your kind words. Funny how we don't always see ourselves as an inspiration, isn't it? Funny in a head-shaking, give-God-some-credit way.
Thank you for inspiring me with this wise and beautiful post, and with your brave heart.
Hi Margaret,
One thing that has helped me tremendously (besides Eucharist/Confession) for taming the Envy Monster is to push myself out of my comfort zone and try something new. For me that was an intense exercise class called the Bar Method. I realized one day that my entire modus operandi was avoiding suffering/pain. This of course leads to many false assumptions about just about everything in life. Anyway, I started going to the class regularly. It was torture. But I stuck with it and two years later, I feel like a new person. I've never been particularly athletic or physically strong but now at 45, I'm in the best physical shape of my life.
I did some quick research on the bar method, JMB, and wow! Were I not pregnant I might give it a go. I have always felt better–physically, emotionally–when I've been exercising consistently, and I think that the fact that I haven't been isn't helping my situation.
Good for you, though! 2 years! That's awesome.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Margaret,
I think you love well.
With prayers,
Gail
I love you Margaret. Your honesty is always so refreshing. One reason I don't blog anymore (and am taking another break from FB) is because I get crabby when I read them (not yours of course 🙂 After all these years, it's pretty obvious that I don't have the virute (right now, or ever?) to not envy others blogs/lives/crafts/homeschooling. I worry, I get frustrated, and I take it out on my family. We don't not have a typical family. Autism changed that years ago. We cannot do all the wonderful field trips…I do not have time to do all of these elaborate crafts for school, or sew, or whatever. It's our life, and it's been ordained by God. To make peace with that, I have to withdraw. Perhaps this is why I become a Carmelite. Who knows…anyhoo…I love ya. That's all.
Oh envy….
It's funny how this post on the birthday cake was tied with envy. I can only make a cake with plain frosting. I've tried and tried to decorate something so nice and blog about it. I then went back and looked at the pictures and just laughed. It wasn't great looking but tasted great! Now, I somehow con my sister to coming early to decorate my still somewhat simple cakes (I can't even do elmo). I feeled blessed and thankful for her ablitties and willingness to share her talents. Sometimes it's better to stick with what you are good at.
I do have many projects started but not finished. Somehow I think that's something to work on, just finishing something.
Birthday cake looks awesome and I'm heading over to Tracy's. Thanks!