If this mom in Minnesota were to jump off a philosophical cliff, would you follow?
Because I feel as if that’s where I’m going, first with that last post and now with this one.
Hopefully this post will make more sense. I don’t think that Part I was as…cogent as I would have liked.
Big sheepish grin. Let me explain.
When I think of discipline, I think of being consistent in doing what is difficult over the long run. You may not like it at the time that you are doing it—in fact, you probably hate it—but in the end, you reap the harvest.
Pay now or pay later.
Here is an example. I am, in my husband’s words, the “kinder, gentler parent”. I am an affirmation addict—always have been—and this liking to be liked tends to spill over into my parenting. For example, last weekend at the grocery store I asked one of my sons repeatedly to not hang on the cart as I was pushing it. After the third request, I heard a weary little voice in my head say, “Look. The kid’s having fun. Just let it go, Mom.”
And so I did.
I caved.
One aisle later, as I was peering at the jars of pasta sauce and deciding Prego or Ragu, I jumped at the sound of a mighty crash. My son had been hanging on the cart again, and had pulled the entire thing over on top of him.
There he lay, half buried under a pile of cans and produce, and the only thing I could think was, “Serves you right.”
Followed by, “Did anyone just see that?”
The first thought was probably justified. The second, though, was pure self-love.
I would have done us both a big favor had I just been consistent in my discipline. I said no hanging…
….and then I caved.
What does this all have to do with getting a dog, you’re wondering? I don’t know. I’m no philosopher. (I only play one on the Internet.)
Another story. My best friend had a wonderful dog growing up: a beagle they named Missy. I loved that dog and I loved that my friend had one, (having been given a big fat NO by my own parents). She was a great little dog.
Later, my friend’s older brother followed suit and got a beagle of his own. He and his wife named her Nutty (first mistake). Well, that dog was just plain stupid, the original bobblehead. It wasn’t poor Nutty’s fault that she was stupid, though. It was that of her owners, because they couldn’t be bothered to train her. They were not consistent (at all) in doing what is difficult over the long run.
Discipline. We all need it and yet, it doesn’t come naturally to some of us.
Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to my children. Not to that darling little retriever that is chewing up the rug.
Are you tired of me thinking out loud yet?
Because frankly I still don’t know.
I still don’t know if now is the best time for my family to get a dog. Given some of your responses, though, it was if I’d asked the question, “Is any time the best time for my family to get a dog?”
Dogs are work. Dogs are fun. Dogs are messy. Dogs are lifelong friends.
I’ll leave you (“Finally!” you’re sighing) with the following two considerations:
First, given the temperament and spunk of my two-year-old, wouldn’t getting a puppy be redundant?
And second, if we do get a puppy and I blog about how crazy it’s been, will you say I told you so?
Margaret:
Trying taking a different approach to your decision. Look at the whole thing from the dog’s perspective. A dog is, by instinct, a pack animal. When dog joins the family, you and the kids become his new pack. Immediately, dog will want to know “Who’s in charge here? Who’s top dog? Guess what, Mom. You’re it! If you are confortable being the top dog in your pack, that’s a huge hurdle overcome. Then just consider one more thing. Within any pack, there are scuffles as the remaining dogs (new dog and the kids) establish heirarchy. With the wrong breed of dog in the mix, those scuffles will undoubtedly involve teeth. If you and a family decide you are ready for a dog, educate yourself on the demands posed by various breeds, then select the breed that best matches your family’s style. Good Luck!
Margaret, I haven’t been reading out here long enough to know if you have any other pets, but that would be my first question: is it possible to start with something a little less intense than a dog?
My oldest dd loves animals, which is a problem because my allergies won’t allow a dog or a cat. We’ve started with fish, and my dh and the girls do most of the work involved in maintaining the aquarium. My m-i-l is an animal lover too, but since we can’t get our oldest a dog or cat she’s suggested a bird as a good pet to start with, to let her learn the responsibility of taking care of an animal that’s relatively low maintenance and not as much of an allergy problem.
Of course, if you’ve already gone the fish-lizard-hamster-bird route and this is the next step, I feel for you. There are times when I still want a cat, even though the only way that would work would be for one or the other of us to live in a bubble! 🙂
So you’re not going for “responsible”, but “consistent”. Can’t you practice on the kids? 🙂 Actually, I’d say the fact that you don’t know, that you are trying to justify, is a pretty obvious sign that you aren’t ready. And if you aren’t good and ready, you’ll probably regret it. And that would make everyone unhappy, no matter how much fun a puppy is. But if you get a puppy anyway and complain that there is dog hair everywhere, and that she managed to chew up the linoleum on the kitchen floor, and that she peed in front of the door because you were taking Camille down from the top of the refrigerator and didn’t get the doggie out quick enough, I won’t say I told you so. 🙂 I’ll understand completely.
Margaret, I am SOO with you on the dog issue. My DH would love to have one, but I don’t want to be taking care of it. I tell him IF and WHEN we EVER get a dog, it will NOT be a puppy, but a dog that is ALREADY trained.
I am inclined to agree that if you don’t feel like you are ready now, then don’t do it now. I think if you have any doubts, then now is not the time. Take care!
I don’t know if you should get a dog or not – but your story about your son and the shopping cart made me smile because I can so relate. My son never knocked over a shopping cart (not for lack of trying) – but when he was still only two he figured out that if you’re sitting in the back you can pull that front bit forward and escape. He would do this from moving shopping carts.
I would never say “I told you so.” My mother told me I was nuts to get the dog we did, she was right, and she says it. I hate that (doesn’t every woman hate when her mother is right? Urg!). Part of the reason we got the dog we did was because everyone told me I was nuts (I guess that makes me stubborn?). I should have listened.
We had another dog when our kids were younger — much younger. It happened to be a great dog, and it was still a lot of work. For me.
The dog we have now I cannot stand. My kids know it. I feel terrible, but I cannot like the dog. It’s her personality. And the fact that I am still the one who has to clean up after her, feed her, take her out (and even if I’m not doing it I’m reminding — or yelling) makes it worse. I gripe about the dog; I am not nice to the dog (nothing serious, but I do not “play” with the dog). The kids feel badly and so do I, but it is what it is. My griping does not make them care for her more.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this except to say, make sure you want the dog because YOU want the dog. Not because your husband does (because then he will bear the brunt of it when you are doing all of the care-taking), or the kids (ditto).
If your kids want a pet, I highly recommend gerbils (I speak with some authority because we have had hamsters, a rabbit, fish, a bird, dogs, and gerbils — none of whom we “got rid of”; they all died naturally). Gerbils, while somewhat rat-like, are friendly (they don’t bite), can be easily handled, and don’t need a lot of cleaning up. You can test your children’s care-taking ability without much trouble on your own end if they don’t come through. I do recommend a lid lock though, to prevent a “deja vu”.
If you are truly the one who wants the dog, then go for it. Do some soul-searching. There is no deadline — the dogs will always be there. And you might want to take some time off school because house-breaking and homeschooling are mutually exclusive. Been there, done that. And I had a toddler to boot.
You see where I’m comin’ from here, friend? Sorry to write a book. I should have e-mailed.
Some random thoughts…
Having a dog is like having a perpetual 2 year old.
Just like there is never the “right” time to have a child, there is never the “right” time to get a dog. (Except I would suggest at the beginning of summer when you have time to house train it.)
Just two days ago I said to my family “Everyone wants a dog until it starts acting like one!” (chewing, peeing, barking, etc.)
I hate to say it, but dogs are a lot like kids. They are a lot of work, can be a huge hassle, cost money to upkeep properly, ruin carpets, make messes, BUT also like kids you wind up loving the little nippers and how they add that extra slice of life to your being.
Dogs are a pain, Dogs are a gift from God.
Just call me “The Waffler”
What the heck… I’ll throw in my 2 cents worth too…
I pushed for us to get a dog so that my kids would (a) stop being afraid of them and (b) learn how to handle animals.
They have successfully learned both, and for that I am thankful.
HOWEVER,
that “establishing hierarchy” thing is causing real problems. Our dog will NOT accept that she is “low man on the totem pole,” and I’m going nuts. She growls at my smaller kids (ooh boy, does she get to regret that instantly!) but we can’t figure out how to make her stop. We’ve even got the blankety-blank dog on Prozac, for Pete’s sake!
I have to keep the smaller kids and the dog separated all day… not too difficult, actually, since she prefers to stay outside in the back yard (away from the noise).
Bottom line: I can’t stand the dog. I would miss her purely from the “watchdog” standpoint, because she puts up a mighty good front if ANYONE gets near our house… and she sees ALL. I can let my kids go outside and KNOW that no one is going to get near our fence without her scaring the you-know-what out of them. I thank God for her in that respect.
But the whole “hallmark moment” of little kids frolicking in the backyard with their shaggy canine friend just isn’t happening here… which saddens me greatly.
Hi. Me again. I have a feeling I may be coming off like a Ms. Know-It-All and I don’t mean to give that impression. I’m just trying to share some of the things I’ve learned through trial and error over the years. If you crate train your puppy, the first few nights are going to be “no sleep” adventures. Puppy will not like being away from its litter mates. Puppy will not like being in the crate. Puppy will not like being away from all his wonderful humans. Etc. This can make for a lot of puppy racket from mournful cries to howling to barking and screeching. If anyone responds to this carrying-on, it tells puppy this activity produces results and prolongs the number of nights this continues. If puppy has had a right-before-bedtime constitutional, puppy can wait and should learn to wait through the night to go outside and pee. Of course, first thing in the morning, he (or she) will have to go out immediately, especially with the excitement of seeing one of those wonderful humans approaching. This dictates the crate should be pretty close to the door to outside. Less potential dribbles on the floor. Since you are the early riser, I’d say that wonderful human would be you. Also, an aside, your morning prep-for-the-day time is going to be impinged upon unless one of your family gets up too to entertain said puppy after he has had his morning trip outside. If not, it will be good puppy bonding time for the two of you. Just a couple more ideas, if you don’t mind. If said puppy guards his food dish and does not stop this activity after being corrected a reasonable number of times by taking the food away with a sharp “no” or if said puppy will not allow himself to be turned over on his back to get a belly-rub when he is being too aggressive, I’d say this is not the dog you want for your family. I’d say by your angst in the “if not now, when” posts that you really want to give this a try and are agonizing because you can’t tell the future. Dogs are one of God’s great gifts to us. Get St. Francis and St. Martin de Poores on board. They love animals and they’ll surely help.
Er…that would be St. Martin de Porres, I hope. Can’t find my prayer card to check. Sorry St. Martin.
As I write, there is a dog in a crate waiting to go out.
Our first family dog (who lived 9 years) came into our lives the summer that my youngest child was three. I was glad we waited until the youngest was out of diapers because the house-breaking (potty-training) stage of dog owning can be *ahem* difficult. Despite children the ages of 3,6,& 9, it was Mom and Dad who did the early morning and late night walks until the pooch was older. And there were many years that the little ones could not effectively walk the large golden retriver we owned. I say that because we opted not to keep a fenced-in yard in our semi-rural neighborhood. Yes, she did get loose now and then. And that brings other worries: possibly offending your neighbors, or having your dog swim in the nearby swamp, or worse, the chance of having her end up as roadkill. In the end, her care was my responsibility. But she was with us nine years until the day (you guessed it) I had to make the decision to euthanize her after a cancer bout.
But, a year later we were the owners of another smallerbutmoreintense Boston Terrier. Mostly, I care fore him since my teenagers are out of the house so much. But I knew what I was in for. You should too. A dog can be great, but depending on the breed, the family dynamics, and your lifestyle, a dog is also a liability and a line item that is now in the family budget.
With both these pets, I would say training is key. I’ve been thru two obedience schools with this newer pet. And it has helped us understand the dog’s needs.
Finally, in the world there are dog people, cat people, and non dog or cat people. I know which friends and relatives of the family are dog-people are which are not. And I have a secure place to put the dog so as not to offend the non-dog people who come to my home. And for those who are still figuring it out, I keep a leash by the dog so I can control him if need be, since EVERY TIME the doorbell rings, he is at the door to greet each person.
Pray. Deliberate. Choose wisely.
Words that ALWAYS help me: When in doubt, don’t.
The bottom line about pet ownership is that THE DOG BELONGS TO MOM. Even though it is hubby who wants it (and probably the kids too) it will be your responsibility, almost exclusively. so the question to ask yourself is, “Do I want a dog right now?” If you really, really want a dog, you’ll make it work. If you really don’t (and you’re doing it for others, or out of guilt) you will HATE THAT ANIMAL!
I have a wonderful dog. He is a 75 pound standard poodle. It took two years of consistent training to get him to be a decent pet. His food is expensive and his vet bills are in the hundreds each year, and that’s JUST for shots and flea/tick meds! He makes huge poop piles in the back yard, and every now and then he pukes his guts out on my carpet.When we travel it is 18/day to kennel him and he always comes home sick. He can’t be tied in the back yard because he barks.
And this is a GOOD dog! Think hard. If you want a dog, you won’t mind the hassles and expense, but if you don’t want it, personally, for yourself and your own enjoyment,just say no.
Yes, having a puppy and a two year old is redundant.
The mess, the potty training, the obedience training are fairly similar both. One night you will get out of bed and step on both a dog bone and a baby bottle at the same time.
The unconditional love you get in return is similar too, although not quite as awesome as the love of the two year old. You can’t help but feel loved with a two year old snuggled up on your lap and a warm, fuzzy dog snuggled up at your feet.
Tough choice.
Sorry, but I would be one of those annoying commentors saying, “I told you SO!” heehee! Even better, I would probably say something like, “Well, you asked for it, lady!”.
See, you know I’m a true friend because I wouldn’t nicey-nicey it all up for you! I support you in any decision you would make, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t sass you a little if I thought it was a less than prudent decision!
Why are you focused on getting a PUPPY specifically?
There are far too many adult dogs that need homes; adult dogs that you don’t need to housetrain (other than perhaps remedial reminders at first), dogs that come from families who thrive with children, dogs that are at once ready to take their place as a canine guardian.
Puppies are work. I love puppies, but I’ve adopted 4 shelter dogs and have not regretted it.
Your kids will learn more by visiting a shelter and picking out a pet, whether cat, dog, chinchilla, bird, whatever…than they will if you get a puppy.
I’m a huge advocate of shelter pets; they’ve been thrown away. In a throw-away society like ours, I see it as our responsibility to find both humans and animals who have been tossed by the wayside in the name of “convenience”.
Yeah, dogs are work, and when it’s time to say goodbye, there’s no pain like it. (Speaking from recent experience here). But it’s worth it. Dogs and other pets can be a conduit for God’s grace.
That said…if you’re not ready, don’t get one. The most maddening thing on a shelter drop-off form is: “Reason for surrender: Responsibility is too much.”
It’s not a plant. If you’re looking for a plant, buy a ficus. If you are ready for the long haul, go to the shelter and find the right pet for your family.
FYI:
http://www.petfinder.org
You can also find specific breed rescues, and if you’re really married to the idea of getting a puppy, sometimes they have rescued puppies. Keep an eye out.