My friends have been known to laugh at me. I buy my pregnancy tests in bulk at Sam’s Club.
What’s more, I am the kind of person (and this might be included in a “Ten Odd Facts about Me” meme) that places such importance upon the Liturgical year that I will plan my pregnancy tests around the feast days.
Seriously.
So, for example, I know that I found out about Stephen on the feast of St. Francis of Assisi; Maria, on my father’s birthday. (Okay, so he’s not a saint yet.) Camille we discerned on St. Valentine’s Day, and Avila (who is our little Cajun Queen having been conceived in New Orleans) made Easter Sunday 2002 all the more glorious.
Furthermore, the fun that I have with the pregnancy test is not just the beginning.
Are you ready for full disclosure? Here it is: I am in love with having babies.
I am! I love (almost) everything about it! I love having that little one within me, close to my heart and kicking a hello from time to time. I love the moment, far surpassing any other I have ever known, when the nurses place my newborn in my arms. I love the smell of my baby after his or her first bath. I love my luxurious 2-day hospital stay! (I bring my own coffee with me.)
The real labor starts once I get home from the hospital, of course, but still.
One year later we are always ready and waiting for another because…
Hope springs eternal every time that little test reads “positive.” The appearance of that thin red line is a beautiful miracle, every time.
So it will surprise you not in the least if I share with you a heartfelt sadness: those little tests have been letting this 40-year-old down as of late.
And quite frankly, I’m just not ready.
I’m not ready to not have another baby!
And so I continue to take those little plastic tests on the very best feast days I can think of, thinking that surely these saints understand and will obtain for me the happy miracle that I’m seeking. On my birthday, I took two! (thinking maybe God wanted to surprise me). Yes, I know I’m silly…but can I help it? My arms are aching for a newborn.
It’s a time of waiting and wondering and consummating.
Above all, it’s a time of trust. Can I trust in God’s love enough to accept His No when I receive it?
A very wise woman once said that we do not pray to change God’s mind; we pray to change our hearts. I know for a fact my heart needs changing, in ways too many to enumerate.
I am learning—slowly—that my trust in God’s holy will is every bit as important to nurture as a newborn. I am learning to drink deeply from the cup that I’ve been given and to drain it to the dregs each day.
Our friend Brian holding the latest additions to his clan: Harry and Vincent
I am also learning that I don’t wish to go through this change of life alone! (If indeed that’s what it is.) I am so grateful for my friends-of-the-heart and the valuable lessons they are teaching me:
· From my friend Jennifer I am learning the gift of humor. Jennifer, you may remember, gave birth in August to twin baby boys. She and her husband Brian now have six little ones, the oldest being the ripe old age of 7. She recently sent me a St. Gerard medal with the following remarks: “…thought maybe you could use it more than I could. In fact, I’d like you to send it back in about 4-5 years. For now I think I won’t be needing my pin.”
· From my friend Cathie I am learning the gift of generosity. When she found out she was expecting her fifth (and Baby Liam still a baby!) she gave me a bagful of—can you guess—pregnancy tests! In all seriousness, she is one to never stop giving.
· From my friend Tina I am learning the staggering beauty of a mother’s heart. Having just completed round 8 of her chemotherapy (only 4 to go!) she came to me crying–not over the debilitating side effects or the fatigue, but over the fact that she may not be able to have another child! Like myself she has five children, and like myself she isn’t ready to be done. (I told her that we needed to go out and buy shawls & rockers.)
· Finally, from my friend Sarah I am learning the awesome and mysterious power of prayer. Sarah and her husband Brian have a beautiful girl and a handsome boy—both of them are our godchildren so if you should detect a hint of boasting…:) After that, though, no children came for all Sarah and Brian’s trying. For many years, they tried to conceive and the answer was always “No.” Sarah really struggled during this time, saying “How often I have judged other women, thinking they got their boy and girl then stopped. I have become those women!” Sarah’s heart was deeply changed during this time of deep longing—from being judgmental to being merciful. And now? She and her husband have been blessed with a son (due this December) after ten long years of trying. Deo gratias!
God is good. We have to trust in His love unreservedly, the way our little ones trust in us. They just assume that we’ll provide for their every need, don’t they? We need to do the same with God.
Oh, Margaret, I can so relate. Keep hoping! We learned of this new baby just days after my fortieth birthday, after two years of frequent pregnancy tests. I did finally start praying to change my heart and then…two red lines! And now, she’s two weeks old and I’m wondering…would it be terribly greedy to start praying for another?
What a beautiful post. I am on the end of accepting the blessings we receive, being pregnant with number four and my oldest is five. I love your site, and your comment that the thin red line is a blessing every time really struck a cord in my heart. It is a blessing, and I will be reminded to thank Him for that.
How beautiful Margaret. I know just what you mean, though for me it was miscarriages that were my “no.” Then along came “Ramona” when I was 42. But it’s all in His hands, isn’t it?
Dear Margaret,
Keep praying for God’s will and hoping…you can’t go wrong, then! 😉
Your post really spoke to me…I am forty and due in January–all things are possible with God! 🙂
Jennifer in TX
I’ll pray for you here. I prayed so many rosaries (and spent so much money on those tests!) for my little boy and was very near giving up. I’m so sorry. I know how very painful this can be.
Margaret,
I think every woman can relate to this tearful, heartfelt post. Thank you God for that longing you put in us. I will cry every time I think of you today, and each tear a prayer for you. This prayer came to MY mind, hope it fits for you. May God pour His graces on you!
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a tme;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
Margaret, we are kindred spirits. I know exactly how you feel about the incomparable experience of having each and every one of these little ones.
I am stopping to pray for you right now and begging God that I may sometime soon click here to find a jubilant postcript to this piece.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!
Margaret,
This post was so beautifully expressed. I too love the everlasting beauty of sharing in the gift of life. May we both find God’s plan in all things and joy in cooperating with his divine purpose for our lives. And let us love the ones we have with all of our hearts! See you tonight, and thanks for a good cry! Much love,Tina
Margaret, everything you said was put so beautifully and I know what you mean about not wanting to be finished having babies! I’m right with you wanting another and not finding it to be God’s will … yet. :o) I will keep hoping and praying for you every day. You are grace-filled and God holds you in His tender, loving care.
There have been times I would have given everything to see that second line.
Thank you for your beautiful post. I can so relate to your friend Tina. I too had cancer (& chemo)and thought I would not be able to have anymore children. Suddenly the thought of “only” having seven little ones was devestating. God in His generosity did allow us to conceive three more times. …and not by our planning but His alone. Each time we were completely taken off guard.
It was an incredibly trying time in our lives. But each child is so very precious, and not to be taken for granted. We consider them all “miracles.” God Bless each of you and especially those who are physically ill.
What a beautiful expression of love and longing that so many of us can relate to. I will keep you in my prayers!
Margaret,
I am the other Margaret! Thank you so much for visitng me on my blog. And after reading this post, YES we do have alot in common besides our name, our Catholic faith and homeschooling! I too have 5 children and long for more. Our 2 youngest are adopted and I long for another. But at 47 the timeclock is definitely ticking! But then there was Sarah…!
My prayers and thanksgiving for your beautiful and tender heart,
Margaret
What a beautiful testimony! For me, that “thin red line” has always been a surprise! (esp. when #2 was 3 months old!!) But I see God’s hand in all of it. He alone knows what the future holds, and I am so grateful that He is in control.
Thanks for the wonderful perspective, and God bless you and your family!
I am so blessed to have read this post, Margaret. I am saying a prayer for you today. Thank you for loving babies so much!
I totally understand! I’m 47, my youngest is 16 months, and I really wouldn’t mind another if God wills it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the great pictures.
Wonderful post! I’m so happy for your friend, Sarah!
I’m not ready, either. I just love babies. My family has teased me on and on about how I am when babies are around.
And I loved having my baby. I was so excited when I finally was married and could start having a family, and it’s so hard to realize that the time is almost up!
Lately I’ve been thinking what a blessing it is that this realization comes slowly. I think that’s a gift from God, to gradually see the reality that the end is near. At least for me. Sudden endings are harder to take. But you seem so young yet, it might not be over for you!
It’s funny you begin this blog as you do. It was Palm Sunday when I awoke before Brian and snuck off to the bathroom alone to check my suspicions. I wasn’t, unlike my holy friend, considering the feast, just the urgent need to know. Everyone knows that the best time to take a test is first thing in the morning. Having taken quite a few of these puppies over the years, I’ve become an “expert.” Sort of. When I read the test (watched the thin film of luquid slowly sweep across the little window) I was certain it would again read, “No, not yet”.
So when it lit up the second pink line, I was dazed, a little confused, not yet daring to really believe. I wandered back into the bedroom. Brian groggily rolled over and I said, “I think we’re pregnant.”
I wasn’t sure of the test was true, yet. I decided I needed another test as the first had been separated from the instructions (as if that would make it more or less incorrect)The second test, taken in the bathroom stall of the local Walmart, was also positive. The third test, surprisingly, was positive. Yet, I still went to the midwives and asked to have my progesterone checked, to make sure that the baby I thought I might just be carrying would make it, having lost two.
God is so good, so very good. I have felt His providential hand warm on my head these last months and have cried in sorrow for not trusting him. He is so good, so very good.
What a great post.
After we had number 5 we felt overwhelmed and I asked God not to give me anymore because I couldn’t handle it.
When #5 was 2 years old I changed my mind. I asked God for another. He was very slow to answer. 😉 Seven years later (our youngest was 9) we had Sam and now two and a half years after that we have Jack.
God’s timing is perfect but it is SO hard to be patient. 🙂
Blessings,
Krisann
Isla de Esperanza
I'm so happy I clicked over to your blog today from Conversion Diary (saw you listed in her blogroll). This is just what I need to read right now and God must have known it and led me here. I have three beautiful daughters (4, 2, and 1) and my husband and I have been trying for another with no success yet. I too feel that longing for another sweet new life and have prayed and prayed (and I am VERY new to Catholicism, so this is all so new to me). I feel like God is trying to help me know or learn something. I think maybe this is His way of leading me to faith (I had a miscarriage in January, which was the first time I had uttered a prayer in about 8-9 years). I am learning so much, and this post is part of the process I think 🙂 So thank you. – Amy